Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Failing the Trust

Ok ok - I’m freaking inside…and now, openly!

This post has been brewing in me for several days, I have to let it out :(

For a while (all of February, that’s “a while” no? ;) I was maintaining my weight steady/solid between 135 and 136, and set my “wiggle room” to be up to around 138…fear you know, I hate that 4 and never ever want to see it again. That place felt *good* I felt TIGHT, i felt RIGHT.

My weight spiked randomly about 2 weeks ago (not even after a cheat meal - just out of nowhere!) to 139.6 and I somehow managed to avoid *totally* freaking and slowly dropped back down…to 138. And here I sit. 138 – 138.6 day in and day out. Through TOM, after TOM, over the weekend in NC, today, etc. It’s been about 2 weeks…

So much for trust - I'm trying, but if I'm going to be honest about it right now I am totally failing.

The problem I’m finding with not having been tracking everything is I can’t today go back and look at what I was doing in February to see if there are big differences in food. There ARE big differences in w/o…definitely doing more and going heavier.

I could go ahead and put everything in from today and have a solid idea of what I’ve been eating for the past few weeks, it still doesn’t vary much..but I'm resisting that...trying to hang on to that ideal of trusting myself, I guess.

I KNOW I’m getting stronger (PRs everywhere), my shoulders are bigger, my upper body is lean (shoulders/upper back..hell my ribs are clear as day, but then there’s still that blob of gross at the abs…), I think my legs are leaner (& bigger!), I have three pair of size 4 pants that are in regular rotation in my wardrobe….but here I am at that *&!@% scale again :( I’m having a hard time reconciling gaining muscle sufficient enough to have shifted the scale like that…

See, I set 138 as a warning – a line in the sand – do not cross! How long ago was it that 138 was such a huge victory for me and now I loathe it and don’t feel particularly good about myself here at it.

What is WRONG with me?!

I could eat more? I could eat less? I don't know where to go with this, without having a solid idea of what I have been I want to go back to tracking though? That was borderline (or maybe it was) compulsive behavior...I don't want to invite that back in so quickly. "Wait and see" a little longer? The shoot is in 1 week, not a whole lot of time to wait...

Trying to get the head on here...reality and gut check...

GUT says I shouldn't/can't eat less and keep going like I am, it's not too much food doing this (then doubt jumps in and says - maybe it's because you just don't WANT to eat less).

REALITY says - you're stronger. You have a new line or maybe a "cut" starting to show on your back that wasn't there before, you did a few chin-ups and almost one pull-up for the first time today, you can see tendons in your wrist pop out (new!), and umm...3 pair of size 4 pants? WTF is the's JUST A NUMBER (then doubt jumps in and says - you're out of control, it's a downward spiral. First you cross 138, then 139...)

So I sit on it. This is what I've been doing - it's circular. Every night it goes round and round in my head and I sit here not knowing what to do and not trusting to recognize the right thing if it hit me in the head.

I also sit here now with the fear of being judged as not having anything to worry about, that my feelings on this are ridiculous or frivolous over 3 or 4 pounds. No NORMAL person freaks over 3 or 4 pounds after all. Ok so I'm not normal, so what. And my feelings here are valid, I have fear. Perhaps I shouldn't - I totally acknowledge that, but that does not, unfortunately, diminish the extent to which I feel it.

This too is a process I guess, with it's own ups and downs, highs and lows. RC posted a Daily Motivator today for Ms. T, "the journey is the reward." Hmmmm...

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