Tuesday, October 26, 2010

The Meet Approaches...

Ok here we are with less than 2 weeks to go! I'm getting that giddy kind of excited for this meet (and let's not play - the time off around it too)!

I've got 4 training sessions left between now and then and tomorrow is the LAST big deadlift day. The past few weeks I've had a tendency to lose my back positioning at the start of the lift, so tomorrow I really need to nail it. Myles suggested that it seems I've slightly altered my set-up, trying to arch and set the back and hold it while I grasp the bar where as before, I would bend over, grab the bar and THEN arch and set my back.

Usually by now I'm all going crazy with trying to figure out attempt selections, but I'm feeling confident in 5lb PRs across the board, with potential decisions to go for 10 depending on the look/feel of the 2nds.

That said...here's the tentative plan:
Squat: 170, 185, 195/200
Bench: 100, 110, 115/120
Deads: 270, 290, 315/320

With the 5lb gains across the board I'd hit a Total PR of 30lbs (the PR's from my last meet don't "count" since I bombed the bench) which would be HA-UUUUGE! But I believe I've got a 200lb squat in me today, and I know I've hit 122 in bench training *at least 3 times* so 120 is in there too. It's just going to be a matter of what I've got in the tank THAT DAY.

This meet will be live streamed on the net as have the others. I'm super stoked though that my parents won't be tuning in through the internet this time, they'll be there for all the live action! Hahah...probably much to their horror LOL ;)

As far as nutrition, weigh-ins, etc...I've been really good with my non-plan plan the past few weeks of only logging food at the end of the day, eating when I'm hungry, etc. My wt has *stabilized* (I say that begrudgingly, in all honesty) right around 145. I'm starting to feel anxious about that...like the voice in there is starting to get a little louder "you're too close it's too close" to the cut off (148) but I'm trying to stay focused on my overall health and feeling good and just being STRONG for the meet! What a concept. It's not that I don't GET the concept...I am still just not comfortable at this weight. I know, it will come...be patient, be gentle...it will come, right?

Right?! Repeating..."Everything I eat turns to health, beauty, strength and love."

I thought I ate really well before the last meet, RC says I still had a lot of room to improve. I should probably ask for some tips...

I can do this :)

Start the countdown...I'm bringin it, all of it this time - nothin' left out there!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

One Step (or maybe two!) Forward...

Not even sure when I last wrote, but I feel like it's been a solid 2 weeks.  And wow, hahah...I feel like so much has happened! I wish I could have kept up here.  I'll try to keep it mostly to summary form, but some big stuff is changing in this crazy head of mine...

Training Updates
Last week I had my last skills evaluation before the meet and it went really well.  Myles came over at 4:30 in the morning (he's nocturnal, LOL) and came along with me - it was awesome to have him there again.  Didn't have to try to give myself commands, got some great cues...it was really good.  I hit all my lifts (and didn't go beyond what I was supposed to do: squat x 185, bench x 116, deadlift x 300) and now the plotting begins for attempt selection at the meet (3 weeks from today)!  That will be another update...

My folks will be coming for that meet, and then here for the rest of the week.  Really looking forward to that visit too :)

Training (the other kind!) Updates
I got my first client with Bloom (which I'm even more behind in updating)!

Work/BodyImage/Eating Update #1
When I came home from ShopNBC I really felt like *phew* ok...I can DO this now.  I have this period of time when I don't have to feel the pressure of "spokesperson" and I can do for me, work on this eating/image thing.  I accepted that I needed a few new clothes because everything was too tight, and sitting in too tight clothes did nothing but remind me I wasn't where I wanted to be, and I couldn't focus on the things I needed.  I had just gotten comfortable with the idea of just trying to listen to me and eat accordingly, and then BAM - our (ex!) PR firm landed me/my story in Health Magazine for the January issue and they wanted a photoshoot ASAP.  It caused a lot of grief, and I went spiraling down into that abyss again when I had to go out for emergency clothing shopping.

Long story short, I had an awakening sort of moment...
Wednesday afternoon in Kim's office we were trying on all different combinations of outfits when she suddenly suggested I try the jeans she had on.  The little.tiny.skinny.jeans she had on.

And it was like this MOMENT...how are these tiny little things on me, these things that fit HER?  My body cannot be in THESE pants.  But they were, I mean I couldn't deny it, and that was when I just thought how vastly different my image/perception/understanding of myself and my body and my SPACE are from reality.

Kim kind of beamed at me with a "See?!" look :)

I told Raphael about it later, still in shock.  "But I look at Kim and I see SUPER TINY..." and he said, "and she IS super tiny!"

My perception of my overall *space* is just...skewed.  A lot. I don't know how to bring them closer together, but until then I know I need to appreciate that my size/space/shape is not what it seems or feels to me.

(this is not so much a summary huh? ;)

Work/BodyImage/Eating Update #2
Friday late morning I started to feel *really low* Like head down on the desk exhausted.  I wasn't "hungry" in a way that I recognized..I was just super tired.  RC, smart man that he is :) says..."eat!"  Hah...ahhh so simple ;)  So I did.  I went out to starbucks, grabbed a tall coffee and a slice of very-berry coffee cake.  Got myself a comfy chair and reeeelaxxxed there for a spell.  WOW...what a difference that made.  I felt great after that!

When I first said I was  tired, that's all I was....tired, low energy.  I was definitely not feeling  "hungry" in my tummy.  But once I ate that little something extra, I got mad HUNGRY.  I would eat and be hungry again within an hour.  So I kept eating!  Later in the day I felt sort of strange...well, different.  My legs felt HAA-UUUGE and super hard/firm.  Not bad, just different! They were solid though, I could feel it IN them, and also hard to the touch...kinda crazy.

Anyway, the hunger continued, it did not let up.  At the end of the day yesterday I logged my food and I had consumed approximately 2300 cals, including almost 250g of  carbs.  I slept well, and when I woke up I just knew I was down...yup!  Down from 144.6 to  144.0!   Still hungry, but I feel fantastic :)  My legs were still "hard," although not quite like Friday.

I think this was a breakthrough for me in eating and listening.  Well it wasn't to start, since I still had to be "told" to eat...I missed some sort of cue there.  But once the ball got rolling...I went with it. 

Work/BodyImage/Eating Plan
I plan to continue with this again this week.  Last week was all about journaling the food at the end of the day, and observing.  No judging the numbers, just *observing* and just the facts.  Separate from the clothing incidents - I was *really* good about the journaling this week & keeping the emotion (and fear) out of it...I logged at the end of the day and observed how I felt the next and what changes there were if any.  So 2300 was what it was, and honestly I never at one point felt overstuffed and really just continued to feel better and better as the day went on, so it made it easier to just say ok...it is what it is!

Following this "plan" (as the extent of the plan is just logging at the end of the day), my weight went from a stupid high of 147.8 (Monday, after a day of accidentally undereating ~1100 cals) to a recent low of 143.4 today.  I've also "listened" more and laid off the beatings workouts a bit when I was feeling really tired and needed to rest.

Observation continues...I think this is all forward progress, and I feel good :)

Monday, October 4, 2010

Less Work, More...Carbs?!

Ugh so this morning...hmmm...not such a hot workout.  Not sure if maybe Saturday was too soon to get right back to it or what, but today I was sooo incredibly weak and not recovered enough from Saturday to have any business in the gym.  My back was tight/sore still from Saturday and I could not hold a solid arch to squat.

I worked up to the 3 x 156 but bailed after that after barely putting that 3rd rep up.  Didn't think going up further as the plan dictated would do me any good and I actually felt like I might hurt myself because I could just not hold a tight arch at all.

Bench wasn't much better - at least I did that full set,  but I stopped after that and left the incline db presses and the remainder of the workout (including all assistance work and an entire other round of squats) for another day.  I did at least get some cardio in after but even that was probably not smart.

It was hard to let go of the training, but when I reviewed the video I'd taken of my squats I thought about T and what she would tell me if she were training with me...she'd probably be like "WTF you've got nothing, cut this out"  And if T were *really* there (rather than in my crazy, voices-hearing head!) she probably would have convinced me to leave it a little sooner than I actually did, and probably to skip the cardio too, but hey...small victories.

Anyway - I'm not sure I can convey the level of stress that I had leading up into last week - now that I'm through it I'm starting to feel the effects I think, so I'm well aware I need to play it smart this week.  I wrote Myles and Dave and share this with them as well...I know it was the right thing.

To that end, I was STARVING today.  I mean ravenous.  And I've been trying to continue the "listen-then-eat" thing, and not stick so much to a "plan." And when Dorian asked me if I wanted to get out for lunch today, I heard the voice say "no you've got your food" but I also knew that I could be reasonable where she wanted to go and all would be OK, even if it wasn't 100% comparable to what I brought.

So off we went. And all day I felt perfectly comfortable with what I ate, even the tiny bit of FroYo (it was about a half serving..about 1/4 cup). 

Now at the end of the day, logging everything just to see where I've ended...NOW the doubt sets in.  So that makes no sense.  My body was happy and satisfied with the choices I made earlier, no sense in questioning it now...theoretically, I LISTENED and I ate what I needed.

So...for the record, this morning after another total day off yesterday, I was 144.6

Today's food: 
1570 cals
145g protein
171g carbs (this is of course what makes me nervous)
34g fat


Saturday, October 2, 2010

Three Days Off

It's been *forever* since I've had more than one complete day off.  The trip this week sort of forced it - I hit some cardio on Tuesday morning (1st day of the trip), but with the migraine and total lack of sleep anything beyond that was not a good idea.

I got home at almost midnight on Thursday night and while I had planned on getting back to my training on Friday, I decided that wasn't a good idea when I woke up with a very tired body.

I was initially worried about that choice, since I'm only 5 weeks out from the meet, but then I realized that's precisely why I should probably sit it out.  I could do my deadlift saturday and start with the new week of training on Monday, and I'd be out one workout total.  Not bad...so after I worked that all through I felt better about it.

I definitely made the right decision - napped some yesterday, then went to bed around 10pm and slept in until 8 this morning!  EIGHT?! It's usually a banner day if if I can make it to 6:30 or 7, 8 is unheard of!  I went in this morning for my deadlift/bench workout and it was solid....three days off with a lot of hearty eating paid off, felt really strong and good :) I skipped cardio ;)

Still, I came home and napped - definitely still recovering from last week and all the crazyness leading up to it!

My weight dropped from 146.8 yesterday to 144.2 this morning (that's some crack right there, wtf?).  Today I continued to eat without a plan and while the calories were a bit higher (1685), I came out about the same ratios as yesterday (40/35/25).  I had lots of good stuff - blueberries and strawberries, oatmeal, yogurt, pork chop, and another square of ancho chile pepper infused dark chocolate - mmmm.

Friday, October 1, 2010

And then there was the food...

Because of the schedule, the travel, and the social side of things - I knew eating on this trip would be challenging for me.  I'd been trying to sort of psyche myself up for it, it got hard when my weight went up from my little meal last Saturday night.

I purposefully did not weigh myself before I left, at the recommendation/strong urging of RC - common sense knew that pretty much no matter what it said I would not be happy with it and also that it didn't matter - I had the job to do.  I ate my normal meals leading up to my departure time on Monday, but found myself STARVING within only about 90 minutes of that last meal, which I wasn't ready for - it was surprising.  RC texted me "eat what you need to eat."  Right right...that common sense thing.

So I put all the "rules" aside and tried to live this week in that way.  It was easier to do with little to no structure to the days, and also knowing that there were going to be loonnnnng periods of time between being able to eat.

I ended up eating nearly every meal out, and I ended up eating pretty much just 3 meals a day (versus 6).  They were big meals, definitely more rich in carbs and fat than I would normally choose.  Also obviously the sodium was higher (since we were out).  Both Tues and Weds night out we shared two desserts between the four of us, and Wedsnesday night I had a small glass of wine with dinner.

I found myself really hungry by the time we ate the next meal, despite the previous meal being large.  I was fearful each morning of how my clothes would fit, but they continued to fit fine (well, the same as they had been prior to traveling).

This morning I debated staying off the scale completely, particularly because of all days - yesterday was the "worst."  It was not bad, but relatively speaking, I ate quite "poorly."  I had a large breakfast before leaving for the studio (half egg white, half egg veggie omelet w/light cheese, huge slice of toast with peanut butter, some strawberries, walnuts, and a small blueberry muffin).  At the airport for lunch I had a cheeseburger and fries.  I ate the entire burger (and bun) and maybe half (maybe not quite) of the fries.  I got one ancho chile/dark chocolate truffle from a gourmet chocolate store and enjoyed that with a coffee while I waited for my flight.  In Atlanta when I was trapped for dinner but couldn't go very far from the gate, I wound up with a grilled chicken sandwich form Chik-Fil-A - I ate the bun again and I grabbed a small cone of Freshens "Tart Yogurt" frozen yogurt.  So three squares and that was it - but really...pretty far outside the norm for me.

 Anyway, shockingly (hah), I did NOT stay off the scale this morning.  I was totally surprised to see my weight exactly as it was last Sunday.  To the decimal place - 146.8

I'm not sure why, but I had already been contemplating all of this long before i stepped on the scale this morning.  Just the difference in the eating and how I was feeling and how my clothes were fitting - how that didn't change dramatically during the week.  Wednesday night after the two shows - two shows of talking about how important it is to not feel deprived, to enjoy your food, to allow yourself variety (and the entire time being fully aware of the irony of my statements), and following my dinner meal of Poached Pear & Gorgonzola Salad and a faaaabulous pork loin dish that was absolutely drown in oil or butter or some sort of sauce, a glass of wine and several bites of dessert...I fleetingly thought "I can do this."

And then I got home and I see that I DID do it.

On the other hand I was relieved and happy to be back to "normal" today.  It's interesting though because I didn't go completely normal - I went with what felt good but with more normal food choices.  I logged it all just now, after the fact, and I came in at 1524 calories with 40% protein, 35% carbs, 25% fat (including one square of an extremely dark chocolate bar w/ chile pepper).  Which is interesting, because like the week, overall it's carbier and fattier than "normal" for me.

No conclusions, no big declarations to make - just observing and feeling and trying to stay connected to me.

Back to training tomorrow :)

ShopNBC - the Run Down

So I'm back from the crazy trip to Minnesota for my first TV appearance - Guest Host for eDiets Meal Delivery on ShopNBC (this was show #2).

Travel out to MN went fairly smoothly and I met some GFs from eDiets for dinner that night. Girls night out in MN! Hah..can't find one of those here, but send me to Minnesota...lol. I had met Nancy once before 3 years ago (seriously that long?!) and Pratima once just about 2 years ago. Karen I hadn't yet met although we had spoken on the phone - what a wonderful person, so genuine and beautiful :) We had a really nice time!

Tuesday was over to the mall to get a manicure just in case there were any hand close-ups! I started getting a headache in the salon, not sure if it was triggered by the smell in there, but it certainly wasn't helped by all that. Then over to ShopNBC for training...I met with their legal team to get briefed on can/can't say and then I met with the first Host I'd be working with the next day. We sort of went through the show flow, but a lot of it wasn't finalized still. Despite things still being up in the air, it did make me feel a bit better. The headache was getting worse, took a bunch of excedrin migraine and I ate a zone bar hoping maybe I was just hungry and that would help. I met up with Kim and the food stylist and the food was looking fabulous, and then we found Connie who had just finished HER meeting with legal.

We made it back to the hotel around 6 and met up with Gina then went off to dinner. The headache was continuing to worsen, food was obviously not the issue. We went back to the hotel to do "wardrobe." Connie volunteered to try to massage the headache out of me...which I gratefully accepted. It felt better for a bit but that relief didn't last. Around 2am I was in agony and had already taken well over the limit of excedrin migraine for a 24 hour period in about 12 hours, so I went downstairs to see what other drugs were available. I paid a small fortune for some advil and tylenol and popped 3 of each. That took the edge off enough to let me sleep a few more hours.

Was up early and had a solid breakfast, and then Kim and I left for the studios at 7:30 and met with Rob, our make-up and hair guy for 8am. Once my hair and make-up were mostly done, they found me a quiet room with a day bed in it and I laid down in there until about an hour before the show just trying to stay still and keep the head under control. The other girls were in hair/make-up during that time. When I finally had to get up, I downed another cocktail of excedrin migraine, tylenol AND advil and got dressed. About 30 minutes before the show Rob did hair/make-up touch-ups and "gave me lips" LOL

Sound guys came around about 20 minutes before the show to hook us all up. Had a few moments with Lynne (the host) and a pep-talk from Kim and then it was all kinds of lights, camera, action! GAAAAAAAH!

The rest is history! I did my best, and I think each time I went on I improved a little over the last. After the first show we got some lunch (much needed) and then I went and just laid down in my hotel room (with more drugs) until we had to get back to the studios.

I got some hair extensions for the 2nd show - check 'em out:

After that, I went back to bed.  Kim came in and gave me another hit of the drugs and I stayed quiet a bit longer, before going back to change into my evening outfit and get more "lips" :)  I was FINALLY starting to feel better!  Met with the next host briefly, and the next thing I know we were all getting mic'd up again and then BOOM - ON!

Connie and Gina were fabulous for their parts - some nerves showed through for all of us.  We also had some fabulous call-ins from other eDiets members who are currently on or have been on our program - Holly, Victoria and Brooke took their turns on Wednesday and they totally rocked it.

When it was over we got some feedback from the producer and then we changed and cut out of there - back to dinner and the hotel room.  Early call time on Thursday.

More of the same on Thursday, I felt like the Thursday show went the smoothest, at least form my point of view.  Maybe that's because I was feeling a lot better.  We had Tina call in that day and Connie and Gina were even better.

When it was all over - what a relief/release!  Here we are, all dolled up and DONE:

Kim and I were off to the airport.  I had a bajillion travel delays and issues, but ultimately - when i got home I couldn't have been happier.  Took the day off today (for the most part, a few hours from home this morning) - no training, nada.  I napped.  I was exhausted.

What an amazing, crazy week.  Amazing, crazy life - actually.  Don't really know how I'm "here" and doing what I'm doing.  I feel pretty blessed.

Thoughts on food to follow.