Today

Training this week has gone well. Wednesday was a tough day, I was low on energy and it showed in my workout, but I got through it fine and was much better recovered for yesterdays bench/squat workout. Looking forward to some more...hopefully back to some more vids next week, I left my camera at work this week.

Otherwise, I'm focusing very inward today, no distractions. This is so much easier to do at home than during the week at work. Hoping the more I practice at home, the easier it gets away.

The intention today is to do only what my body asks as far as food, movement, rest, etc. No auto-pilot, no just doing because that's what I always do. Instead, just listening and responding. This morning it was "run," so I went out for a run. It was slow and steady, and a few years ago I would have called it a terrible run, but this morning I saw my feet moving beneath me and listened to the pace of my breath and how my knee didn't speak a peep...it was a great run and it felt fantastic.

If later it says, "nap," then I'll nap. Eat peanut brittle? Well no second guessing...eat peanut brittle. Eat when hungry, not because the clock says it's time to eat. I'm hoping this will make it easier for me to trust tomorrow and stay off the scale...more connection = more trust = less fear? That's the hope and the intention.

I haven't spoken much of it here, but I'm back on our Meal Delivery program for a few weeks. Not following it specifically, but to try all of the meals since so many are new to me. To be honest at first I freaked, it's more carbs than I'm comfortable with, and waayyy less protein(read: not enough for powerlifting), and I think higher in fat (but, if we're being real - almost ANY diet is higher in fat than what I "normally" eat). It's a solid diet plan for weight loss (as Brooke on a Diet can attest :), overall very well balanced and healthy. It's just *different* from how I eat, which as we know equals scary. But I'm trying to view it as an opportunity to trust more, try new things, and learn from it. I won't eat it straight through (3 meals + snack every day), but I will have at least one or two meals from it each day, and then supplement with enough protein to be sufficient for my needs.

Just now I had the Pancakes with Pineapple-Almond Cream Cheese breakfast and it was really really tasty. I cooked up 2 egg-whites to accompany it for some extra protein, and I feel fully satisfied, and not bloaty from the pancakes/pineapple, and ate something that's normally on the no-no list for me.

Good day :)

I'm sending shout-out vibes to one Mr. RC who's out on stage right now totally lighting it up, ferocious, with everything he's got :)

And that is where I'm at today. I feel peaceful. Stumbled on this yesterday and feel it's appropriate here today:

To use fear as the friend it is, we must retrain and reprogram ourselves...We must persistently and convincingly tell ourselves that the fear is here -- with its gift of energy and heightened awareness -- so we can do our best and learn the most in the new situation. - Peter McWilliams

Update: Body asked for "red meat" so I responded with a burger (on a toasted sandwich round), accompanied by a small glass of red wine (faaantastic), and a tomato/cucumber salad I made earlier. Yum. I'm proud of me :) I feel successful in this day of "being a human being, not a human doer." (from Christie)

From Blogger Pictures

Someone's Getting Worried

I'm taking it as a sign of growth, that the past few days that the brain has been objecting loudly to EVERYTHING. Telling me I can't do this, it's too hard, it was easier the old way...the one that comes up a lot is, "you felt in control the old way"

HAH That's the dead giveaway right there. I realized that was not ME talking today when I read Calorie Restriction as Emotional Distraction by @MisheMarie.

That was WtLoss Cathy talking I guess...she feels very out of control right now. And she should, because I'm doing things differently than she'd like. I'm pushing through the fear and trying to just LIVE with it, until my body and I learn to trust again..until we get better aquainted. Every day that I get on that scale (still failing #30daynoscale challenge) and it says a number that I LOATHE and that I FEAR, and I continue to choose to eat right (not restrict) and rest (if I need it), or workout (not excessively) then I am taking a step closer to being totally front and center and SHE will be totally out of control.

Yesterday that meant going for a quick walk in the middle of the day to shake off my coworker's comments. Last night that meant just giving up on #fitblog and going to bed, because the noise in my head was too loud, because brain & wt loss Cathy were trying to gang up on me and convince me I'm weak, that I can't do this, and that I can't handle it..."you know all this stuff you're feeling right now? all this shame? All this fear? All this anxiety? It will *totally* go away if you just..." (insert: go do some more cardio, cut that apple out of your diet, banana AND milk in that post workout shake, really??)

I know I'm still going to win this...I just needed to say this out loud - this is really hard and scary.

Unrelatedly - today's last sets:

Sumos - 233 x 3


Bench - 77 x 4 (all paused)


Rack Pulls - 248 x 4


And now...I'm pooped. I think I've got to readjust to these kinds of workouts...even though this stuff isn't super heavy, it's just really heavy volume (which I love).

Dinner, then early to bed again, me thinks.

Are You Gonna EAT That?!

I really need to be more creative with blog entry titles...I suck at them. AAhhh well.

Anyway, yesterday was the first day of the 30 Day No Scale Challenge and...*drum roll* I weighed myself. Today was Day 2 and...I did it again. I know I'll get this...just off to a slow start. I know WHEN the day comes that I skip it's going to feel like a huge win. I KNOW it's coming.

Also yesterday was the first day back to PL training, and I think it went rather well! I sent video of my last sets to Dave as requested, and hahah...so he writes me back and says all bench reps are paused! HAH! Whoooole different ball game now, friends! To tell the truth I was worried about the bench portion...while the volume looks considerable (bench every day I train, and some days TWICE), it was all light weight. But this changes it considerably...no worries now, that's gonna kick my ass ;)

This morning I got up thinking it was a cardio day. I had some coffee before leaving (I was fully dressed in workout gear, shoes on..ready to go) but sat for my coffee and pre-workout meal and suddenly really FELT my body and it said (yay! it really did tell me!), "is 30 minutes of cardio really going to change your life today? when was the last time you took a day off?" (Week ago, Tues) I did argue with myself - there was some name calling and some scale panicking, but I chose to hear it and set it aside, I let ME win this morning *smile* And I went back to bed for an hour and a half :) When I got back in bed I was awake for a while and I felt everything loosen after a few minutes, I think it was when I finally won the argument..I literally sank into the bed then. It was a nice sensation to realize.

Later this afternoon though, I had a few white knuckle moments. I had an encounter with a person who, as I was about to embark on a meal, said something to me that sent me spinning. Now...I KNOW this was said in jest and with a light heart, but it hit me all wrong given the circumstances of today (weighed myself & hated it, skipped cardio, keeping calories UP...all behaviors taking considerable effort and intention). He said, "Now CAAAAATHYYYYY, we can't have you *gaining!"

Ouch.

I heard, "Are you gonna EAT that? Are you sure? You didn't do cardio this morning! And you were already unhappy with the number on the scale...if you eat that it's just going to make it worse, and don't even THINK you're not getting on the scale tomorrow...you know better..Aren't you fat enough?"

A little tiny crack in the armor. I instantly felt...seized. I felt like a grip took hold in that little divide that hasn't finished healing and just started pulling apart, trying to drive a wedge in there and force the separation again. I spoke with Honu on IM just after it happened, she helped me to (quite literally) pull myself back together and recenter. Deep breaths, a quick walk...

Even still now, the voice is still pushing and pulling and trying..."you should have done your cardio, you should have at least not eaten so much!" And on and on.

On my drive home I talked to my mom about it. I did tell my mom that I was getting help with this issue...we talked about it a while back and she said she was glad to hear it, that she had been worried for a while, and she was fully supportive. Beyond that, for the most part I don't talk to my mom about it. Occasionally she asks if I think it's "working," and I tell her yes. But today I needed to talk about it...so I confided this whole scenario in mom. She either really didn't get it, or was ridiculously uncomfortable with me talking to her about it (or maybe some of both). Which made me uncomfortable, and I felt slightly ashamed. Those are my own feelings to own, but...she put her time into the conversation and then moved RIGHT on out of it. Sort of like "oh really? I'm sorry...so tonight for dinner we're having corn on the cob" Ugh. I didn't mean to make HER uncomfortable.

So for now I'm continuing to practice. I'm hearing, and setting to the side. I'm stronger than youuuuu, brainthatmakesstuffup. Starting to quiet brainthatmakesstuffup.

Tomorrow is deadlifts and bench, plus some cardio. We love deadlift day. I also get another chance to decide whether I will weigh myself in the AM, or not. Another chance for big wins all the way around. Another chance to make it a great day.

It's a Major Award!

Tee-hee...from one of my fave movies, A Christmas Story :)

Alan (@Sweating_It_Off) from over at Sweating Until Happy nominated me for the Versatile Blogger Award :) A badge I will proudly display, how exciting and wonderful!

There are rules that come with the award, so here goes:

1. Thank the person who gave you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Nominate 15 newly discovered blogs.
4. Let your nominees know about the award.

Seven things! I assume they have to be new things ;)
1. I've lived in 9 states! That's (almost) an average of a new state every 4 years! If only it was that infrequent...;)

2. I was on swim team from the age of 6 to 15. I had to stop with it when I moved to NH in the middle of my freshman year in highs chool, right when I was starting to get my swim groove on.

3. I am divorced, but I always answer the "Marital Status" question as "Single" Really it's the same thing, IMO ;) (Note: in real life on dates I tell them divorced, no hate mail please!)

4. I have a freakish fondness for peanut butter and cool whip (not together ;).

5. I kinda *like* Barry Manilow, thankyouverymuch!

6. Despite sometimes feeling completely overwhelmed, conflicted, full of anxiety, and ashamed, I'm really glad that I'm working on fixing this disordered eating thing, and I'm thankful for all of you who've encouraged and helped me all along (even before I was ready to hear it).

7. I check my horoscope daily :)

New Blogs I've Found Totally Needing Some Checkin!

1. Clarity in Creation
2. Medicinal Marzipan
3. Live Your Ideal Life/Your Kick-Ass Life
4. Workout Nirvana
5. Don't Be Afraid of Your Freedom

6. Brooke On a Diet
7. Before & After: A Real Life Story
8. Voice in Recovery

9. The Jen West Quest
10. Katy Widrick

Thank you Al! :)

The Concept of Choice

Sooooo excited to get back to (or "restart" may be the more appropriate word) training for my next meet. I've got a lot of work to do, gotta redeem myself after that last performance!

The knee felt great today after yesterday..I'm not even quite as sore as I expected to be..bonus :) Felt so good I was able to do a CF style workout for myself outside (hooooot out!)

I've got TWO full rest days worked into the plan for the week...they're there as an option to take, or not :)

I KNOW this will sound so very obvious as I talk my way through this right now, but I'm rediscovering "choice." For a long time I repeated "you have the choice" at each meal, each decision, etc - to make the "right choice" to get healthy, to lose the weight, to work out, etc. And that was very true. And I did that...each decision was weighed (har har) and balanced and sometimes I made the "wrong" (read: not as healthy) choice along the way, but all along, I was *living*

Somewhere along the way, I stopped seeing it as a choice, and it became a must, a have to, a one way/only way kind of situation, and I stopped really *living*. Instead of "no thank you, I'd rather have this..." it became simply "I can't" and in many cases, there was a anxiety or fear surrounding whatever the thing was I was declining.

I've made a lot of positive progress with all of this this past week. I know I have a ways to go but I'm getting there.

In that regard, tomorrow starts the 30 day "no-scale" challenge, and I am taking part in my own small way. "Today I'm making the choice to not get on the scale, but if I really really want to, I know I can tomorrow." I've heard Raphael suggest that to folks struggling to stay on their meal plan, or to get to the gym..."I choose to do X just for now, but if I still want to do/eat Y tomorrow (or later), I can." For the scale challenge, it's really the same thing that I'm trying to do with food, just sort of opposite. If that makes sense to anyone but myself ;)

These things always seem so simple when someone else gives you permission to do them ;)

ANYWAY - all that to say, I'll weigh myself tomorrow if I want, and then we'll take it day by day after that. I think this holds a lot of promise :)

For anyone waiting on the edge of their seat to hear (hah), my date last night went pretty well :) We met for drinks (I had a glass of red wine) and we talked for almost 3 hours (waaaaaaaay past my bedtime). He texted me late last night and thanked me, and called me this afternoon for a quick chat. There's definitely a second date in our future, which I think speaks for itself, since I NEVER go on second dates! Not sure when it will be, but...details. We'll work it out.

Knee, Scale, Progress...Update Grab Bag!

I woke up this morning feeling good...I declared, "Today holds such promise...I fully intend to take advantage of all of it."

I was off to see Christie at 8am this morning. Last night I sat down and tried to outline how this past week unfolded, all of the big moments and uncertainties...there was so much to cover and I knew I only had 30 minutes,didn't want to skip anything.

I just got right into it with her...as I told her the story about how I discovered my fragmented self, I started to cry. I told her more about how I'd allowed myself to tear myself apart, but now that I see that so clearly I find it so much easier to put myself back together when I fear that fissure starting to tear or widen. I continued to cry through the pineapple story...at which point she just declared "YES!" and she jumped up and grabbed a tissue...she was so excited now SHE was crying! She told me she was really proud of me, and I felt proud of me too at that moment :)

I shared with her how I YEARNED for the rules when I got back to work, and started freaking at the thought of "no rules" for when I returned to training. She reinforced that the longer I stay connected to myself...the more I'm whole, the easier it will become to listen and hear the cues from my body, and the rules will be natural, not forced.

I told her I'm still terrified, she gave me permission for that to be ok...I needed to hear that I guess.

I told her about @sweating_it_off's new #30daynoscale challenge, and how I really wanted to do it, but it was giving me such anxiety. She agreed that the 30 days would be daunting..she asked me to name a smaller interval that would be more doable...I told her that I tell myself EVERY NIGHT before I go to bed that I'm not going to weigh in the morning, and EVERY SINGLE MORNING, I do it anyway.

She said to bring choice back into the equation by making it OK to weigh. She suggested instead of saying no/don't/not allowed in the evening, to instead each morning give myself permission to do it tomorrow. "I can weight myself tomorrow, today I am making the choice not to." I can do that. That doesn't make me shake with anxiety. She said in all things, to try to remember the three C's ...Consciousness, Choice, Control...that being conscious and making a choice is natural control, and not the other way around.

We also talked about my hormonal issues. My Dr suggested seeing the Gyn, but Christie thinks waiting another month or two for things to fall in line as my eating comes back together and gets better is the better option. She's hoping it fixes itself naturally, as I work on healing this other stuff.

It was an amazing session, I felt really strong and positive when I left. I AM strong, and working on the happy :)

Went to the gym after that to test out the knee...the plan was to work up to something reasonable and representative of my training plan and give it a try. I stuck to the plan for squats, and worked sets of 8 at 105, 125, and 135. Nice and deep, and the brace didn't interfere with getting to depth at all. Will still need to find some "sanctioned" braces. Will probably train/wear one on each knee. Unfortunately, I didn't stick to the plan so well with deads (they feel so good!) and went with triples, doubles and singles and pulled the last single at 300. Oops :)

Today's Squats (last set): 135 x 8 - The Comeback!


The good news is that the knee feels great! It felt stable, strong...I'll likely be stupid sore tomorrow (really stupid), but I'm confident that I can get back to training with Dave's program on Monday. I'll be repeating Week 1, and starting over :) So excited about that.

Tonight I've got a date, we're not meeting until 9:30PM so I'll be needing a nap for sure. I plan on it shortly...after my near max pulls (and honestly, today it felt like a max) I'm pretty pooped! I plan on feeling totally sexy and confident for this date, and totally present, and whole. Not sure what I'm wearing yet, but I'm going to feel good.

I'm taking advantage of all the promise today has to offer :)

#30DayNoScale

Earlier today a Tweet popped up on my screen, "30 DAY NO SCALE CHALLENGE! Dont be scared! #30daynoscale"

We all know I'm scared. I've personally challenged myself to this EVERY DAY and failed EVERY DAY over and over again. I tweeted that I was scared, and got a barrage of encouragement to just try.

I wanted too, but I just couldn't say I'd join! I started going through all the scenarios in my head, about all the weight gain I would obviously experience as a direct result of not being able to SEE. And NOW? NOW along with all the other stuff I'm trying to change? No no no...too much. Too much at once, with all the other changes I'm trying to make right now.

I tried to visualize how it would FEEL to be free of that thing! I said I'm in, and that means weigh in on Monday, and then put the scale away for 30 days.

And now I'm second guessing (weird ;) I decided I'll talk it through with Christie on Saturday, I'm really not sure I'm ready. When I type that I feel like it looks like an excuse..but still, it feels daunting.

Today I just did cardio at the gym...tomorrow I'll be hitting an upper body workout, lower body on Saturday and back to the training plan Dave sent me on Monday.

Date on Saturday!

Middle of the Day-er....

You know it's important to me if it's popping up NOW and not just before I pass out at the end of the day.

The other day at the Beach, Susan (@mindrightfit) asked me, "What if I told you you were going to gain 10lbs, but you would meet your soul mate?"

At that instant, about 75 questions starting spinning through my head, "What do you mean? I don't understand. Why? Why do I have to gain 10lbs to find my soul mate? What are you asking me?!"

I just looked at her as it all swirled in there. That appears to be my response when I can't logically put questions/thoughts together with words. I couldn't answer her. I wanted to say yes, I wanted to say I love ME me more than I love WEIGHT-LOSS me and if *I* would be truly happy then absolutely! But I couldn't get the words out, saying YES meant, I think...handing over too much control to ME me...you know, the wild one, the one who might let things get out of hand see...and 10lbs...well we've been there, and we hate that.

Yesterday I read about an amazing woman who was literally taking it all off for a good cause. She was overcoming that voice, and stripping down and literally becoming this image (her blog icon) for a calendar:

From Blogger Pictures

Happy, beautiful, strong, care-free...*awesome* WOW.

And with that, today she posted all of the thoughts that ran through her mind in the weeks preceding the photo shoot, I felt like I could have written them. Lots of uglyness goin' on there.

But she still did it! How great is that? She kicked the voice's ass!

But today she ALSO wrote about her progress and all of the good and the beautiful about her bod & life. One of the things she wrote really hit me like a ton of bricks (in a good way, I think):

Fact: I gained every single one of those 30 pounds, because I have fallen madly in love and have been too busy having the most romantic and wonderful dates every day for the last two years.

Fact: I wouldn’t change this last fact for all the world. My life is amazing right now. I am so very happy. To my core happy, perhaps for the first time in my life.

I want that. My goal is to be able to answer Susan's question with no hesitation - a resounding "yes." Not that I have to, and not that I will, but that if it happens it happens and YES, for "to my core happy," anything is possible.

Voice is on notice.

Day 2: Ehhhh Not so Easy

I woke up this morning and had a brilliant start to my day...I weighed less than a pound more than I did on Monday. I DID try to not get on the scale after eating out last night, but I promised myself I wouldn't react, I would simply observe. I was up less than a pound from the day before, which...not so bad. I always jump on rest days, and I did NADA yesterday, except lounge at the damn beach. And then there was my food.

So all in all, today I was proud of me for not REACTING to the scale.

At the gym, I did a short little circuit I made up on the fly:

3 sets of 20, no rest between exercises, 30 secs between sets:
20 burpees, chest to ground
20 box jumps (on reebok step, 7 risers plus step)
20 jumping jacks
20 squat to overhead press w/10lb med ball
40 (20/side) Vsit Twists @ 10lb med ball
20 situps @ 25lb plate

Then I did 20 minutes on the treadmill (turned off, alternating 5 minutes each direction).

Sweaty goodness :)

Got back into the office environment, and things got a lot harder. I found it hard to listen to my body, I couldn't focus on how I was feeling because I was distracted by well...*work* and I found familiar patterns surfacing.

"Well but what do I do if this? And what do I do if that?" I instantly started searching for RULES...just tell me what to do! I found myself telling myself that if left to my own devices I won't eat...even yesterday in my big breakthrough, I felt confident in the choices I made only when there was no denying I was hungry...when the tummy could be heard 3 towns away. That's well past the point I should be eating, and if I waited until I got to that point for every meal I'd probably eat 2 meals...well that's what my friend "brain" was telling me. Still...there's no denying I did find it hard to determine hunger at my desk.

** Not going for perfection
** No such thing as "perfect eating" so
** By what standard am I judging myself?

Oh, why it's the crazy standard, obviously. Alrighty then...

A few times I realized I'd left myself, and I focused and took a few deep breaths and returned.

I also started spinning on "but what about when I return to training, isn't that *different*? Won't there be rules THEN? Certainly I'll have to get the right ratios/calories.." yadda yadda obsessionobsessonobsession. But there will be right? But...

GAH.

I'm home now, and trying to stay front and center. New tapes are starting to play and trying to plant doubt.."what if you can't get back to lifting like you were, you'll certainly have to change the way you eat then..." And some doubts about my ability to just "stay" at my natural weight well...naturally. I'm afraid. All of the reaction I pushed off this morning while standing on that scale. is starting to feel like a vast, heavy blanket. They're stealthy though, they're not coming right out and saying it, but I hear things like, "well sure ok those few pounds they're PROBABLY because your period is late and you're retaining water." What that actually sounds like is "uh-huh, sure. yup, sure yeaaahhh it's *totally* the period thing..go ahead, believe all that hoo-ha and eat what you want and see what happens"

Yeah so in that semi-related news, I spoke with my Dr about my hormonal issue to see who she would recommend the type of specialist I see (Endocrinologist vs. Gynecologist) and she said Gyno. I'm still on the fence, but maybe it's the right way to start. I haven't had a period since the last one ended June 3...7 weeks. Always somethin...

I'm home tonight, fighting the good fight :)

Day 1: Re-Do-Over

So when I moved to Florida, I called it my "Do-Over," I was starting over - totally fresh.

I'm taking another re-do. Can we do that? Well let's just pretend we can and move right along ;)

I had the day off. Long story, but it was a swap for another "free" (read: non vacation day) off. It started at the Dentist. While I can't say I love the Dentist, it was THE best dental visit I've ever had. After the Dentist - off to the Orthopaedist...the much awaited Orthopaedist follow-up!

YESSSSSSSSSSSSS! Got the All Clear! He just wants me to lift with the knee brace given that knee's proclivity to doing what it did. I asked him about subbing it out for a "sanctioned" one, he didn't appreciate that ;) If I must, and the one he provided cannot be used in competition, then I will train with both - alternating a competition approved knee wrap and the brace :)

That wrapped up around 10, and I spent some time by the intracoastal sipping a cup of coffee and finishing up Women, God and Food. I was driving home, I'd say around 11ish when I noticed hunger. Tummy growling, noticeable, physical hunger. This was a good opportunity! Ok...so I have essentially the world at my finger tips...focus, look inside..."You can have anything your body wants, what is it?"

Christie asked me this question on my first day with her and I just stared at her blankly. Today I focused, "fresh" was first...I wanted something seasonal and fresh and bright. Then YELLOW! And I was like YES YELLOW! Lemon? No...Banana..? No....PINEAPPLE...YES! And I said it out loud, "I'd like some pineapple!" And then I cried :) Because that is REALLY what I wanted. And not only was it what I wanted, and something that maybe 2 days ago I would NEVER have allowed, but do you realize the FIRST thing my body said was Pineapple! It did NOT say, "hey, how about a triple baconator and hot fudge sundae from Burger King...you're driving by it right now...just sayin.." I cried and I called @Fat2Figure because I HAD to tell someone how amazing it felt to say, "I'd like some pineapple!" Thanks Ms. T :)

So the plan quickly formulated. Go home, change into bathing suit (and hell YES it's going to be the bikini, screw this "skin" worry - NOT TODAY (I said that outloud too :)), stop at Publix for a) sunscreen (all out), and b) picnic lunch for the beach: cut up fresh pineapple, a turkey wrap, and some water.

At the beach, I TOTALLY splurged and spent $20 on renting the big wooden platform chairs that come with a comfy cushion and a giant umbrella, and a guy to adjust it at your beck and call! I cannot tell you how freaking fantastic that pineapple actually tasted :) I cried again. On the beach! So true ;)

My friend Susan called about 30 minutes into my beach time and I invited her to join me...she did! She had the other half of my wrap, and was uninterested in the fabulous pineapple ;) We spent the afternoon chatting and lounging...awesome. I needed a girlfriend today, and she just showed up - what a blessing :)

When I got home I looked back on my day, it felt SO GOOD, felt like a new beginning. So I decided to make it that...my re-do-over. I made it my birthday do-over too, since I spent that one in the emergency room, hahah.

I put on my lil' red dress because I FELT SEXY, and I decided to take myself out. Plus I mean, how often do I go out, right? So I was livin' it up:

From Blogger Pictures

Yup - me, myself and I. All dressed up :) I went downtown and parked, and then perused up and down the main street reading menus until I found what would continue to satisfy the "fresh" need I was still experiencing. I settled on Grilled citrus glazed fillet of Atlantic salmon served with a mango-melon salsa over field greens. The salmon was like butta, and I could taste the beautiful grilled/charred bits and the sweetness of the mango...yum. I enjoyed about 3/4 of a red Sangria with it as well. It kicked my ass...I couldn't finish it and as it was I had to walk around a bit before driving home ;) But..mmmm, I really enjoyed every bit of that.

I stopped in at a little cafe that specialized in cupcakes on the way back, and I got me a little celebratory cupcake! Ok it really wasn't little!

From Blogger Pictures

I didn't eat it all, but I put a major dent in it. It was wonderful...creamy frosting with this sort of fudgy chocolate STUFF over top..vanilla cake. A cherry on top :) I had a decaf coffee with it as well, and I ate until I was satisfied :)

A lovely couple stopped and asked if they could join me? I thought it was a little out of the ordinary but ok...so they sat with me and celebrated with me (didn't tell them what, they didn't ask..they just asked if I was celebrating "something"). She gave me a little bamboo woven fish, said she bought it from the street person who told her it meant good luck..she passed it on to me :)

And now here I am, reflecting on Day 1. I feel good. Right now, I have no regrets and no fears. Right now is a joyous place :)

The Good, the Bad, the Ugly & the Truth

I spent A LOT of time with the book Women, Food and God this weekend – no TV, just me, the book, a pen, and a journal. I've had a lot of stuff flying through my head, a lot of tears, a lot of nail biting moments, but it's been doing me a WORLD of good.

I started with trying to figure out her concept that basically everything you think and believe about yourself is on your plate.

Theoretically (or not so much a theory), my issue lies in restricting my food (both in quantity and type), not feeling satisfied, ignoring hunger, not recognizing hunger/satiety cues, not enjoying food, and berating myself if I decided to take a rest from monster workouts.

So..back to the plate. The feeling is that I'm not worthy of the food, that I don’t "earn it" or I don't "deserve it," particularly on days off.

Into the "practices" portion of the book, Geneen talks about meditation and offers up the particular method she practices and teaches at her seminars. I've never been someone to meditate, and I will admit when I read that the eye rolls started. Really? I could do nearly anything else she suggested, but meditate? Gah. But ok – I'm open to this…let me try.

I tried.

And some kinda crazy shit opened up. Relatively new shit, not old shit like "when I was 8…" but stuff that hasn't been collecting cobwebs for too long. I decided to be open to this, to be "curious" about it and explore it.

Now let me be clear before I share – we all have stuff in our head that is based on experience, fear, craziness, whatever…NOT necessarily on reality. I am not deploring my weight loss and I'm certainly not deploring the company, or implying (implicitly or explicitly) that these things were ever relayed to me as fact – I'm simply sharing what I discovered in my head that I've been hiding from – rational and reality based, or not (NOT).

I discovered that I believe my only value at work lies in my weight, my weight loss, and the maintenance of those two things. As in…I wouldn't be here if it weren't for those things (the weight-loss/maintenance of it), if I lose those things…what do I have left? You are worthless without those things.

Further…I discovered that I believe that all of the good things that have come to me have only come because of the weight loss – specifically what came to mind immediately was my independence, confidence & self-esteem (ironic huh?), my ability to MOVE – run, swim, lift, my career (again) … only because of the weight loss. "The weight loss" (and maintenance of it) is therefore...everything. I am worthless without it.

*I* have become ONLY my weight loss, because that is what brought all of the "good things." I cut all of ME out of myself and became only the tiny bit of me that was the weight-loss part. Fragmented, unwhole, incomplete. I've been eating the way I have and believing that was all I needed..nay DESERVED, because I was feeding only my weight-loss self..and only very strictly, because *that* must be maintained or we're all going to hell. The REST of me..well that's the old Cathy..she doesn't get enjoyment, she doesn't deserve to eat, she doesn't get self respect, love, friends…we keep her locked away. This keeps relationships away, socializing…because if Cathy comes out, then weight-loss is no longer in charge, and she might mess everything up for Weight Loss and then we'll ALL go back to unhappy/bad/fat.

I feel like I seriously sound deranged trying to explain this, I'm not split personalities…but I don't know how else to share. Maybe "weight loss" is actually the "ED voice."

That's a lot. But it was RELIEVING.

The book talks about maybe why it's relieving. It says (in a nutshell), allowing yourself to feel the emotions, accepting them in the moment, and moving on allows you to relearn that feeling the feelings will NOT shatter you. If you don't allow yourself to feel them and stuff them away, then they hold you hostage - you begin to fear the feelings, your mind tells you that they will be so overwhelming that you won't be able to function, that you couldn't bare it. Your mind stores them away and then creates stories around them...telling you that you cannot possibly handle it, so you avoid avoid avoid, and possibly turn to food to continue that avoidance. Feeling them, accepting them...they will pass. And one 'event' at a time, you learn that in that moment, you've not been shattered, that you're able to function, that you are still beautiful you, accepting of all of you, the whole you not just pieces that your mind allows you to accept.

A few times going through all this I started down THAT spiral…just really working into that panicky feeling, negative place where the voices were just at each other's throats….that shattered place. It must've been ED voice getting nervous that Cathy was getting some attention, growing...gaining some awareness.

I was able to concentrate and focus on the right here and the right now and pull myself out of it. I was not shattered. I lived. I kept my job, my independence. I could still move! I still had 2 beautiful cats that love me and love to snuggle :)

I accepted the feelings – a LOT of fear, sadness, shame, and lonliness, and told myself that now that I'm becoming aware, I can work on the unthinking…I can start to unthink all those things…I can put the pieces of me back together and become my WHOLE self again, and replace those beliefs with their enemy – the Truth.

The Truth is…
- My value at work lies in my passion, my COMpassion, my dedication and understanding, and my knowledge and abilities. I'm a hard worker, whether I weigh 132, 138 or 141 – those things do not change. I am a whole person.

- I started this change, I (my whole-self) was the one behind the weight loss, *I* reached many goals through focus and devotion and love for my whole self I am the one who took my life into my hands and chose to find independence, to find a new career, try to learn and appreciate movement and all my body could do for her, *I* am the one who looked for confidence inside – the courage to leave and to move, the courage to stand up for herself..the strength for all those things. WEIGHT LOSS did not do ANY of them…a whole and complete Cathy started it all.

- I deserved and earned the right to eat to satisfy hunger, and yes even enjoy foods simply by being born and being alive. I do not have to annihilate myself to earn it, and I deserve to feed all of me, not only my 'weight loss.' I am a whole person accepting of all of me, allowed to share in all of life - including all of the freedoms to enjoy relationships and love and social activities. I have the right to believe that I know how to choose moderation and I know how to lead an active and healthy lifestyle without the fear of losing everything.

- I have the choice each day to remind myself that I am whole, I am NOT my weight-loss.

My weight-loss can still exist, as an achievement, something I did for my health...it probably saved my life. I do not have to let go of it. But it is NOT my entire life, it is not my value on this planet, and it is no longer completely in the drivers seat. I am aware now.

All of this may seem completely obvious to every.single.person.reading ... and if it is, very good on you. You probably tried to tell me this a hundred times over. I wasn't ready to come home yet, for whatever reason. I'm ready now. I don't know how I got here, I don't know why. I don't think a "diet" leading to a change in lifestyle necessarily puts someone on this path...others may disagree. But as the Author states, "It's not about the weight, but it's not NOT about the weight." At a certain point, and I believe I was there - it is all about it, because it impedes your ability to live. That is where I was when I started this very long journey. I ended up here on the other side, where once again it somehow became about the weight...but I believe I'm on the upswing now.

I get it.

I'm aware.

I understand being "whole" now. A few times in sharing back and forth with my beautiful and dear friend Honu, in sharing her experiences with her recovery she's mentioned "feeling whole" a few times and I honestly did not GET it.

But I do now. And it's home, and it's everything.

I know, I very very well know that there will still be tremendous struggles with this...but I've opened the door for her...for ME. It's already been a challenge to keep me front and center, but this day today - I've done it. And tomorrow I get another chance to practice that. And again, and again. I'm coming out and I'm coming home.

I feel a bit like I'm drinking the Kool-Aid. But so be it, because I feel amazing.

A Passage...

I don't know how to comment on this, what to say or anything beyond just wanting to sit with this, learn from it, feel it, and BE it. It's from Women Food and God, page 74-75.

Something happens to every one of my students when they stop running their familiar programs about fear and deficiency and emptiness. I don't know what to call this turn of events or the freshness that follows it, but I know what it feels like: it feels like relief. It feels like infinite goodness. Like a distillation of every sweet fragrance, every heartstopping beauty, every haunting melody you've ever heard. It feels like the essence of tenderness, compassion, joy, peace. Like love itself. And in the moment you feel it you recognize that you are it and that you've been here all along, waiting for your return....You returning to yourself. And that hell is nothing more than leaving this. Heaven is already here on earth.

Hot Yoga

*Streeetttttccchhhhhh* Yum.

I woke up feeling pretty awful this morning, migraine. I took some meds, stayed in a bed a while, then got some coffee, read a bit...

Out of nowhere my body asked me for some hot yoga this morning...it went sort of like this, "Self? How about some hot ass yoga?" And I said, "Self? You know that sounds fantastic." Mind you, I've done it exactly ONCE before, about 2 years ago, I have no idea where this "craving" came from. So I responded, made a few calls, and found an 8:30am class, and off I went. I made the instructor aware of my knee if I needed assistance, and I went in.

90 minutes of severe (no really ;) sweat, stretching, and balancing. I'm now feeling so aware of myself, and recognize what simply being "present" feels like. There's no room for anything but the present when focused on the movements and how your body feels and responds to each one (not to mention focused on not falling on yer bum :). It was the most peaceful and quiet my mind has been in ages. Coming home from that, I've been left aware of my body and it feels incredible. I feel all of my muscles were actively engaged, I was strong and flexible, and my knee did all I asked of it (save for one pose, that one was NOT happening) and, it even surprised me a few times.

I'm STILL feeling peaceful in these moments after class, and can hear myself much better right now. I know it might fade as the day goes on...but I'm enjoying it all for now. I made an incredibly fresh lunch - fresh lemon juice and chopped parsley, creamy yogurt..mmm. And I used lentils - a new food for me, and it was wonderful and not scary.

It's a really big "wow" kind of time for me right now..feels magical. Today I'm choosing again to have a great day :)

Blog Potpourrie

Ok I'm admittedly getting ... we'll call it, "fidgety" about the gym and my training/workouts. Yesterday I had a fantastic upper body workout, and I tested the waters on the elliptical. Nothing intense, just testing out the motion and it felt great.

Today I went for an all cardio session - 40 mins on the elliptical (nice! testing to 40 minutes) and had no problems. I kept the brace on the entire time (um hello gross sweaty knee brace) and it was over in no time. Through the day today, I made it braceless with no mis-steps, instability or weakness. It's really feeling great all around! Honestly I can't get over it - from where I was just a few days ago till now, it's like night and day! Then and now...before and after...more on that waaay down there...

I ended up needing to reschedule my follow-up Ortho appt from next Friday to next Tuesday because of a conflict with work. Let's hope for the all clear! Obviously I'm anxious to get back to it (SLOWLY, and only if it's safe!) but that anxiousness just got cranked up a notch since the last opportunity to post a Qualifying Total for the 2011 Raw Unity Meet is the meet I had been planning on doing in November. If I can't make that one, i most likely won't be able to lift at the RUM.

In other powerlifting news...leave it to Myles to turn my PL bomb-out into something good...now my source of strength and fuel for my fire :) I was very pleasantly suprised to find a link into this article (stupid comments aside ;) the other day.

I've now had four days in a row of really good work with nutrition/listening/trusting etc. I'm starting to trust myself and my body at least a little more. Monday was HARD, but I stuck with it and in the end it was all OK :) Tuesday was really good too. Last night was rough...I was waaay down in the abyss. I came here and wrote it all out - all of the things I was feeling and I felt the tension ease as I wrote...it really did help to just accept it all and not fight it.

I was embarrassed though, I worried over it, and I wound up deleting it. So much for accepting. Next time it will be whatever it is, no shame.

"The independent polling company in my Dockers has determined that you're the hottest girl in this school" HAH...sorry - a random quote from Glee that happens to be on at the moment ;)

There's been a thread on the support board on eDiets that is encouraging everyone there to share their achievements. I go in there everyday and grin over all of the wonderful things that are happening for people. And I ponder my own. And I leave. There's a tweet each of the past few days by @VoiceInRecovery asking people to share things they are proud of about themselves. I read, and I leave without posting.

Today I got an earful from Raphael, a spontaneous, beautiful, warm soliloquy about my transformation...from where I WAS to where I AM - in so many ways, the change is enormous. I was there in tears listening...weight loss goals met of course, and obviously the physical transformation is enormous, but also the achievements and accomplishments beyond the weight loss...I definitely lost it all for a while - somehow, my appreciation, joy and passion for that in myself was lost. Perspective. The distance from THERE to HERE, before and after...it's incredible! And yet right now sometimes that distance is very small, even non-existent:

Before: When I think about all that it did for me when I treated it so badly.
Now: When I think about all that it does for me when I treat it so badly.

Before: When I knew the things I needed to do to change, and I fought myself and didn't choose to make the right decisions.
Now: When I know the things I need to do to change, and I continue to fight myself and don't choose to make the right decisions.

So I'm going to bring them even closer together in the now and celebrate it all...

Before & Now I had/have an amazing body that lives and breathes and allows me to move, touch, feel, speak, cry, smile, taste, see, hear, smile, run, lift, itch, tickle, and heal. And really...ANY action word you can think of... these just happen to be a few of my favorite.

One thing that my body does NOT do for me when I don't treat it right is allow me to rest. I track it daily (among 47 other things, sad but true) and tehre's no denying the relationship. When I don't eat right I don't sleep.

I was an insomniac for essentially the past 3 years, and I've learned that was hunger. I'm really sad about that, but just trying to accept it and learn from it.

I realize now that this path I'm on, it's the right one to continue *my* journey. It's probably not right for anyone else but for me, I'm where I need to be for whatever reason. I was ashamed that I swung so extreme...from one side to the other. Well so what..it is what it is and it all makes me... ME.

I'm good with that, so...onward :)

Today's Practice

Today was practice. It was not about believing, it was not about knowing something was right, it was not about having confidence or trusting or any of that - it was about just doing.

I know one of my last assignments was to be more present, to BE, not do. But today the voice was LOUD and obnoxious, screaming all kinds of I-told-you-so's and now-look-where-you-are's, and keep-this-up-and-you-KNOW-how-it'll-end...fat-fat-fat-fat.

Today I practiced a lesson I learned a long time ago in a meeting with crazy demanding clients. "Oh, what an interesting idea, we'll take it under consideration and I'll get back to you on that!"

All. Day.

I did not manipulate the calories. I had an amazing workout this morning, but I did not push extra hard or risk the knee. In the pool this afternoon, I swam at a moderate pace for 25 minutes, and then got out - I did not push to "compensate" in any way.

I did my best to listen to me, to be present enough within myself (despite this screaming CHILD in my head!) and eat when hungry and eat to a proper level of being truly satisfied. I got too hungry a few times (waited too long to eat), but I ate to a good point (I think) each time. I just finished logging, and I came in right around 1675 cals, and my macros (this just astonishes me, it works out every time) around 45/35/20.

I think i can claim a victory today. Today, I succeeded.

The voice is still there tonight, trying to cast doubt on each of the decisions I made today, making threats towards tomorrow. But tomorrow just means another opportunity for more practice, and a step closer to believing.

Something I wondered today as I tried to acknowledge each thought and set it to the side, is what will it feel like when I can say I am better or recovered? Will it be gone completely? Just quieter? Or still there in full force, but totally disarmed and overpowered by joy and hope and health and happiness? Right now it's hard to imagine that peaceful silence..but I do hope to find it, soon.

Introspective...

So this is going to make me slow down, which is something I've probably needed to do anyway, ignored and ignored and ignored, until it hit me over the head. Or knocked me over, literally.

If you read earlier, the Dr has given me the go-ahead for some body weight exercises and swimming, to get started immediately. I was delighted with the "go" orders, even with the swimming, something I've generally only resorted to when injured. I was rejoicing in this when Honu pointed out that even with that, I'm sort of forced (not the right word, but I can't find it) inward...it's quiet time in the pool, no music, no talking, nothing but you and your thoughts.

This afternoon after work, I went straight to the gym and hit the pool. I didn't go overboard, I'm just starting...

2 warm-up lengths
then 3 sets:
20 hip abduction, adduction
20 fwd/rear leg raises
6 lengths of the pool
2 cool-down lengths

Not a ton of time, but enough time spent to get in my head. I can't say what I pondered specifically, but there was a lot of back and forth with myself about my workouts, nutrition, my behavior when it comes to those things, and my inability to stay off the scale (I tried yesterday, and again today...there's another day ahead tomorrow).

Last night, the guy I had a date with on my birthday asked how the knee was holding up. I shared that it was improving, and I had gone for a test drive that was quite successful. He suggested we reschedule our date for that evening. Hey why not, I thought. So I knew I was going out, and I found myself "saving" calories for the possibility of having a drink and dinner out. I thought nothing of it, that was "normal" for me. I thought it was "planning ahead," a good choice. Easy to fall into comfy, "normal" behaviors...

Ahh well..dating sucks, and the date was soooo not a match. I did have one glass of wine, but that was it. I drove home hungry, made some dinner, and logged my day in my nutrition journal, including the glass of wine. 1198 calories. Ugh, really? Ugh. (on a side note, I slept like crap last night - I fully believe the two are related).

All swimming around my head...swimming.

At the grocery store after the gym it hit me, where I went wrong. I'm not on a diet! Yes I'm trying to maintain a healthy lifestyle, but that behavior, budgeting/planning/saving calories...that's "diet" behavior. That's "normal" only in the land of Cathy, and the "normal" I'm trying to get away from right now. There's nothing necessarily WRONG with it in and of itself, but that is not where I'm supposed to be. I'm supposed to be able to enjoy a dinner out once in a while. I'm supposed to LET GO and be able to go and do things like...go on a date and not be freaked out about it. Like enjoy a slice of freaking pizza (we're back to where all this started with that one) and not feel like I have to do extra cardio or starve myself to "make up for" that choice.

I always feel like I'm not articulating myself very well, I hope this is coming across as it is in my head. This was a BIG moment for me...

If I save calories, "budget," or "plan" or whatever you want to call it...I'm taking away my ability to let go and enjoy. If it's only once in a while, I have that choice, and I can make it.

I can make that choice this Saturday. I can go about my day as usual, and then meet up with the guy I rescheduled with from this past Tuesday. I can make the choice at that time to have a drink, or not. To make the healthiest choice on the menu,the worst choice on the menu, or anything in between. Maybe celebrate my birthday a little late, and get dessert...the choice? All mine...

I have the choice :)

Yay for introspection. Yay for swimming. Yay for choice :)

(And today, a respectable total of ~1450 @ 45/30/25)

***
Edit
I wrote that, and this came across Twitter. It ends with me and tears, and these words:

If you are still teetering on the brink of illness, I invite you to step firmly onto the solid ground of health. Walk back toward the world. Gather strength as you go. Listen to your own inner voice, not the voice of the eating disorder—as you recover, your voice will get clearer and louder, and eventually the voice of the eating disorder will recede. Give it time. Don’t give up. Love yourself absolutely. Take back your life.

Drs Orders :)

Just back from the Ortho, no tears - he said he was surprised I didn't do more damage! I have my MRI on disk, I'm getting ready to look at my knee from the inside out, neat :) I'm sure I won't know what's up from down, but..whatever. I also know it won't be nearly as exciting as my dad with a giant f'ing screw in his femur ;)

So here goes...hopefully I don't sound like an idiot trying to explain what I was told...

"Congenital defect" lol in my knee means it's always got the potential to do what it did on Monday - the groove that the patella sits in is more shallow than a normal one, so any force sudden force applied in such an uncontrolled way (as in say, a fall down the stairs ;) has the potential to knock it out of place. Forever. But he said right now it needs help staying back in the groove because "stuff" (<-- technical ;) stretched all around trying to control it during the fall, and because being off it like I have been, those muscles have already started to atrophy. So he's given me a brace for now to wear all the time for the next 2 weeks.

I'm supposed to begin exercising right away (oh stop me, please!) - swim! Ahhh back to my friend swimming ;) Can swim all I want/can. Can do upper body workouts, and for lower body and specifically my right leg - body weight and progress to light leg extensions but more importantly focus more so on the hip adductors/abductors - body weight to start, then ankle weights, then progressing to light weight. No squatting ;) Back in 2 weeks for reassessment.

I feel good with a plan, knowing what I can/can't do and that it's all going to be juuuuust fine. With *patience* Not my strong suit... :) I think I'll swim tonight!

Can't Keep a Sistah Down!

I was really down this morning, feeling really trapped that I could not drive, feeling stir crazy that I've been so stuck in the house, feeling like I wanted to LIFT...

I was sort of trapped in the thinking that since I could not get to the gym I could not do anything, but then I realized - hey! I have DB's (up to 25s), a chair, and a floor.

So I hit it circuit style...3 sets:

Lying DB Floor Press - 12 @ 25lbs
Seated DB Sh press - 10 @ 20lbs
Seated 1-Arm DB Curls - 8 @ 20lbs
Seated 1-Arm Overhead Tri Extension - 12 @ 12lbs
1 Leg Squats (with good leg, obviously, with chair by side if needed for balance) - 15
1 Leg Calf Raise (ditto)- 15
Situps - 15

With the "bad" leg i also did standing Hip Adduction/Abduction, 2 sets @ 15
Seated Leg Extensions (no wt & with limited ROM, lol) 1 set @ 15
Rear Leg Lifts - 2 sets @ 15

YESSSSSSSSSS!
AND, I went out for the test drive...total success.
Not comfortable, but completely doable.

Saturday I should be able to get to the gym for my w/o, and hopefully I'll have a list of rehab stuff to do with this bum leg :)

Today's Inspiration, and the PLAN

Well hopefully I can drive tomorrow, as I've made an appointment with an Ortho at Palm Beach Orthopaedics. Theoretically I'm picking up the MRI tomorrow and then heading up there. I told them that the results showed no tissue damage or displacement, but that I needed to be sure I'm doing all the things I need to be doing so I can be confident that when it's time for me to go back to PL, I'll be safe/ready to do so. So whatever rehab, etc...I'm there.

There's a test drive session in my future this afternooon...maybe just around the neighborhood :)

Plan makes me feel better. Even if it's not even a plan yet - just the plan for a plan :)

I've also decided that I'm counting all of this as part of my training. Damn straight. Come back will be even stronger.

Also - as far as food, I'm going to try to be accountable here..."Injury is not a path back to obesity, bad choices, or anything else." I'll repeat it, until I believe it.

Here's a pic of my kitty caretaker, Lily:

From Blogger Pictures

With that in mind, last night I was proud of me...throughout the day yesterday I ate when I felt hungry and I made healthy, tasty choices - I didn't eat to a predetermined plan, just did what *felt* right. At the end of the day, I logged everything and came in right around 1450 cals at 45/30/25 :) I was pretty happy with that...it's building trust. That's the greater lesson that will come out of all of this, I feel like that was a good start :)

And today, this is my inspiration:

"And when it rains on your parade, look up rather than down. Without the rain, there would be no rainbow." - Jerry Chin

Best News in WEEKS!!

OMG yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay :)

So I just got off the phone with the Dr with the results of the MRI - no "real" damage.

I've got a ton of arthritis (which I knew, old news - obesity and all - WTG Cathy!) and evidence of some subluxation. She thinks when I landed the other day, the patella temporarily/partially dislocated - but as we know from x-ray, it is NOT dislocated, and MRI shows no soft tissue damage was done in the process! I think it underscores just how much better off I am than if I hadn't lost the weight, trained, etc...I think I'd have been in deep doo-doo otherwise.

So I asked her, "why can't I move it?!" She said because the swelling is so severe (caused by the temporary dislocation), and once the swelling reduces I'll return to full range of motion and the pain should subside accordingly. It is still stupidly swollen, really I can't believe how big it is ;) But better than last night...

So continuing to RICE and immobilize with the brace when I'm up and about. I've got the anti-inflammatories going on...just need to be careful, patient, and cautious for a few weeks as I return to normal ROM :))))

Can we say it again, "yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!"

New Lesson Plan

I was going down my steps yesterday afternoon, not paying attention I guess, and I missed a step, landed unsteady on the step below the one I should have landed on, then my foot/leg slid out from under me onto the landing and I jammed my leg somehow...I didn't actually fall (might have been better off falling), but I hurt my right knee. A lot.

I sat there in denial for a bit...like "I'll just put some ice on it, it'll be fine" ...maybe a good almost hour? But...it was(is) undeniably excruciating to bend or lift in any way. Straight is fine, even weight bearing, straight is fine..but any bend or lift and it's NOT.

Eventually I gave in, I called my mom and she insisted I get to the hospital, but...driving was out. Mom wanted me to call an ambulance (um no), so I had to call someone for help. I called RC (who else, the amazing RC), and he came and helped me to the hospital and stayed with me a while through all the paperwork and the sitting and the x-rays (can't say thank you enough).

The only thing they were able to tell me was that I dind't break a bone. They gave me a giant immobilizer thing and instruction to RICE and keep it straight with this thing. The giant thing actually feels good because it allows me to move my leg from the hip and NOT flex the knee and cause pain. I can get around ok with it, even up and down the stairs, but I can't drive, and going to the potty (with or without it on) is a challenge.

Humbling moments...these are moments it's really hard to live alone.

I'm pretty pissed (the STAIRS take me out?!), and kind of freaking, but trying to just roll with it..there's a) no definitive anything wrong with it at the moment, and b) even if there was the prescription remains the same. I don't know why the ER didn't do an MRI, but I was able to get one today.

I called a friend of mine who's actually on vacation right now in Portland OR (crazy coincidence!), and she got me hooked up with her mom (who lives across the street from her), who came and picked me up today and took me all around to the Dr's office, to the MRI place, and to the pharmacy. It took ALL DAY, and I was up and about way too much I'm sure, but I got the MRI and should have results tomorrow. I'm researching good Ortho peeps so I'll be ready whether she tells me it's nothing, or something.

The Dr was not pleased with the level of swelling, or the extent (or NOT) to which I could flex without pain (~10 degrees). Beyond that, the only other feedback I got was "Wow, that's really swollen" from the MRI techs. I still don't know why they didn't do an MRI yesterday, but...anyway. Got a non-narcotic rx to try tonight. Debating sleeping in the guest room (bed is lower, easier to get in/out), and I still haven't mastered the potty. Dad is ready to come down (ironic, eh? ;) as soon as I give the word. I've asked him to wait until we hear MRI results, at least.

While out I found the most FABULOUS instant-cold thing EVER. It is like a combo ace bandage/ice-pack! And it's reusable! Going to wrap it with it tonight before bed...guaranteed not to fall off :)

From Cold Wrap Thing

Soooo...that's that. I said I was ready for my next lesson in PL, but clearly the universe had a different lesson plan in mind. I suspect it is to face the food/nutrition/exercise demons head on...since my first instinct today was to not eat. I didn't eat 1900 cals (which is where the counselor had slowly inched me up to), but I think I did well. I can't say I'm not freaking about it, and I keep thinking I'm *feeling* fat already, which is nuts, but I'm aware of the battle, so I'm better prepared to fight it.

Working from home the rest of the week...only plan is to eat right and make healthy choices for recovery :)

Back to Life..

I've finally caught back up on some sleep, getting back to normal here, feeling so much better :)

I've been thinking a lot about the words "deserve" and "earned." I've heard them a lot the past week or so, and each time they've made me pause and think, and the last few times I've heard them I got...not sure - irritated? I think in a good way...we learn over and over again not to use food as a reward, "if you do this, then you can eat that." That's a big no-no in the land of diet. It sets up that mindset of deserving an indulgence. These are also words that I've used AGAINST myself, I think i've written about that here. On rest days i dropped my calories because I hadn't "earned" the right to eat. Last week after the shoot, a few people mentioned I should go ahead and eat/drink because I deserved it for all my hard work. Because I earned it. I cringed inside. This week it's come up because of the holiday, and because of my birthday...."go ahead, go out, you've earned it, it's just once a year, it's your birthday!" That made me cringe too.

I haven't EARNED anything, and I certainly don't DESERVE, as if it's an expectation...to just go crazy and have whatever I want when I do a good job, stay strict for so long, workout extra hard, etc.

What I CAN do, is make a choice for myself. What I have earned, and what I do deserve, is the freedom to make a choice to let loose once in a while, a CHOICE to veer off plan and indulge a little from time to time if and when I want to. Not just "do it" as a result of something. There are of course exceptions, for instance after a meet - I do sort of NEED to take a little extra and be a little freer with my decisions for recovery purposes. But for the most part...all of this is a choice. The choice to live a healthy, balanced lifestyle. It's that balanced part I'm still struggling with :)

I've really got so much swirling around up in here surrounding this topic. I've been away for a while because I was in Portland, OR for work the past week. We flew out Monday and I got back late Thursday night. We were out there for the latest eDiets.com commercial shoot. We brought out some of our most brilliant shining stars for the occasion, with weight loss ranging from 12 to 94lbs, and incredible transformational stories that could move even the most stoic of characters...I felt so at home so far away - they, we are such a family...even the folks I was just meeting for the first time. They inspire me...they've overcome, made changes, grown and learned so much. It absolutely makes me want to be stronger and better - healthier...but this time not lose more, lift more, run more etc. I need to be stronger and better for myself..stronger than the fear and the self doubt. Strong enough to trust myself enough to overcome the fear, and make healthy, balanced choices.

That combined with some further thinking about the meet, and the depths I went to after I bombed out on bench press, and then still going ahead and successfully deadlifting. I know I didn't move the weight I had planned, but I still hit all 3 lifts, and a new PR, after the whole bench incident. I changed my thinking there, I stopped the crazy bullshit talk and I turned it around, I made the choice to get it together, and did it!

So. I can do this too. I can make CHOICES, to think one way or the other, and to behave in one way or another. I'm forgetting the notion of "deserving" and forgetting the notion of "earning." That way of thinking has not served me in the past...I simply make choices, listen to my body, and use good judgement.

A process, yes. I will stumble..this is new. But no different than when I started with weight loss. I fell off plan, I got back on. I hit plateaus, eventually made it through. This will be no different :) The current challenge is incorporating an apple and a string cheese into the daily plan. I started yesterday and have managed a half apple and string cheese...it's a step. There's fear, but I'm working it out.

The next challenge - I've got two dates lined up. One tomorrow night (yay birthday date!) and one Tuesday night. A test. I've already been stressing the birthday, with all the encouragement to "eat! you deserve it!" But I'm letting go of that, and we'll see how the day turns out. I have lots of choices ahead of me :)