Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Are You Gonna EAT That?!

I really need to be more creative with blog entry titles...I suck at them. AAhhh well.

Anyway, yesterday was the first day of the 30 Day No Scale Challenge and...*drum roll* I weighed myself. Today was Day 2 and...I did it again. I know I'll get this...just off to a slow start. I know WHEN the day comes that I skip it's going to feel like a huge win. I KNOW it's coming.

Also yesterday was the first day back to PL training, and I think it went rather well! I sent video of my last sets to Dave as requested, and hahah...so he writes me back and says all bench reps are paused! HAH! Whoooole different ball game now, friends! To tell the truth I was worried about the bench portion...while the volume looks considerable (bench every day I train, and some days TWICE), it was all light weight. But this changes it considerably...no worries now, that's gonna kick my ass ;)

This morning I got up thinking it was a cardio day. I had some coffee before leaving (I was fully dressed in workout gear, shoes on..ready to go) but sat for my coffee and pre-workout meal and suddenly really FELT my body and it said (yay! it really did tell me!), "is 30 minutes of cardio really going to change your life today? when was the last time you took a day off?" (Week ago, Tues) I did argue with myself - there was some name calling and some scale panicking, but I chose to hear it and set it aside, I let ME win this morning *smile* And I went back to bed for an hour and a half :) When I got back in bed I was awake for a while and I felt everything loosen after a few minutes, I think it was when I finally won the argument..I literally sank into the bed then. It was a nice sensation to realize.

Later this afternoon though, I had a few white knuckle moments. I had an encounter with a person who, as I was about to embark on a meal, said something to me that sent me spinning. Now...I KNOW this was said in jest and with a light heart, but it hit me all wrong given the circumstances of today (weighed myself & hated it, skipped cardio, keeping calories UP...all behaviors taking considerable effort and intention). He said, "Now CAAAAATHYYYYY, we can't have you *gaining!"


I heard, "Are you gonna EAT that? Are you sure? You didn't do cardio this morning! And you were already unhappy with the number on the scale...if you eat that it's just going to make it worse, and don't even THINK you're not getting on the scale tomorrow...you know better..Aren't you fat enough?"

A little tiny crack in the armor. I instantly felt...seized. I felt like a grip took hold in that little divide that hasn't finished healing and just started pulling apart, trying to drive a wedge in there and force the separation again. I spoke with Honu on IM just after it happened, she helped me to (quite literally) pull myself back together and recenter. Deep breaths, a quick walk...

Even still now, the voice is still pushing and pulling and trying..."you should have done your cardio, you should have at least not eaten so much!" And on and on.

On my drive home I talked to my mom about it. I did tell my mom that I was getting help with this issue...we talked about it a while back and she said she was glad to hear it, that she had been worried for a while, and she was fully supportive. Beyond that, for the most part I don't talk to my mom about it. Occasionally she asks if I think it's "working," and I tell her yes. But today I needed to talk about it...so I confided this whole scenario in mom. She either really didn't get it, or was ridiculously uncomfortable with me talking to her about it (or maybe some of both). Which made me uncomfortable, and I felt slightly ashamed. Those are my own feelings to own, but...she put her time into the conversation and then moved RIGHT on out of it. Sort of like "oh really? I'm sorry...so tonight for dinner we're having corn on the cob" Ugh. I didn't mean to make HER uncomfortable.

So for now I'm continuing to practice. I'm hearing, and setting to the side. I'm stronger than youuuuu, brainthatmakesstuffup. Starting to quiet brainthatmakesstuffup.

Tomorrow is deadlifts and bench, plus some cardio. We love deadlift day. I also get another chance to decide whether I will weigh myself in the AM, or not. Another chance for big wins all the way around. Another chance to make it a great day.

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