Today was practice. It was not about believing, it was not about knowing something was right, it was not about having confidence or trusting or any of that - it was about just doing.
I know one of my last assignments was to be more present, to BE, not do. But today the voice was LOUD and obnoxious, screaming all kinds of I-told-you-so's and now-look-where-you-are's, and keep-this-up-and-you-KNOW-how-it'll-end...fat-fat-fat-fat.
Today I practiced a lesson I learned a long time ago in a meeting with crazy demanding clients. "Oh, what an interesting idea, we'll take it under consideration and I'll get back to you on that!"
I did not manipulate the calories. I had an amazing workout this morning, but I did not push extra hard or risk the knee. In the pool this afternoon, I swam at a moderate pace for 25 minutes, and then got out - I did not push to "compensate" in any way.
I did my best to listen to me, to be present enough within myself (despite this screaming CHILD in my head!) and eat when hungry and eat to a proper level of being truly satisfied. I got too hungry a few times (waited too long to eat), but I ate to a good point (I think) each time. I just finished logging, and I came in right around 1675 cals, and my macros (this just astonishes me, it works out every time) around 45/35/20.
I think i can claim a victory today. Today, I succeeded.
The voice is still there tonight, trying to cast doubt on each of the decisions I made today, making threats towards tomorrow. But tomorrow just means another opportunity for more practice, and a step closer to believing.
Something I wondered today as I tried to acknowledge each thought and set it to the side, is what will it feel like when I can say I am better or recovered? Will it be gone completely? Just quieter? Or still there in full force, but totally disarmed and overpowered by joy and hope and health and happiness? Right now it's hard to imagine that peaceful silence..but I do hope to find it, soon.