Sunday, August 29, 2010

Yay My Bits Work ;)

Met with Christie yesterday and she was pleased with my choices this past week, and the observations I made about my hunger, satiety, energy, and fatigue. We spoke about options...whether I keep things as is or increase back up...

I asked if she thought there was any risk to me keeping things where they are while I'm trying to learn to better identify and listen to these cues. It's harder for me to identify them (either positively or negatively) at the higher level, and she thought as long as I actually RESPONDED to fatigue and hunger then it'd be ok.

She does still want me to try to vary my meals a little more, we talked about bringing at least one alternative meal component each day (a wrap versus brown rice, for instance). I can do that...

So....yup. Ok. I can do this.

Yesterday was squat and bench day - squats were faaaaabulous and I'm really happy with how things are progressing there. I ended my workout with one big set, 135 x 14 :) I had a few more in me I think...a big change for me...I'm actually starting to *like* squats!

This morning it was Best Body Boot Camp (Advanced Camp). Much fun :) My weight has remained the same since Wednesday until today, I bumped up a half pound, but I'm ok with that since I woke up with my period this morning. Which is sweet! Not normally something I'm super psyched about (heh) but...last time it took 7 weeks, this time 5.5 weeks...maybe I'm on my way to a more normal cycle and maybe that means all my girly bits work!

Tomorrow is another squat/bench/squat day...hope the quads are feeling a little more recovered than they are today :)

Wednesday night I've got a massage and Thursday a good friend of mine from college that I haven't seen in like...well it's been so long we can't quite tell but...a LONG time, is coming to visit through Sunday. We're gonna hit up Lion Country Safari on Friday (cuz I took a day *off* SUPAH DUPAH long weekend!) and then get some snorkeling action in on Saturday. I'm really looking forward to seeing him, I think we're gonna have a blast :)

And with's pumpkin time...headed to bed.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Wow...6 Days?

I don't think I've ever gone this long without a post, but things have been hectic and I needed some room to breathe and time to collect and plan. I still need that, but it's time to resurface...

Last week I mentioned dropping my calories and the whole to-do around that. The weight started coming off immediately...was it stress or the calories? Hard to tell. Probably a combination of both. Friday I was 149.4 and by Wednesday I was down to 144.2. I actually took a rest day on Wednesday - I just did about 45 mins of light yoga.

Training on Thursday....deadlifts. Yum!
Started with Rack Pulls, then on to Bench, and then some Deads.

I REALLY needed that sort of totally aggressive physical/mental release of RAWRRRRR yesterday so when I was done with my training workout, I did

255 x 10:

Not technically a PR (best was 11 while doing 5-3-1 program ). However, that was after doing only 2 sets of 5. This was after all those rack pulls, alll that benching and db pressing, and then after the regular deadlifts. I say, crazy PR! ;)

My current program doesn't appear to go higher than 6 reps for any set, and most are around 2-4. Just LOTS of sets. It's also fairly light weight, I think I max at 85% and it never gets heavier. I dunno...I just REALLY needed that, it felt incredible. A great release.

But it wasted me. Wednesday night I had actually started to feel a little tired and a little hungry, but I didn't listen to it then. I still had an amazing workout on Thursday, but really by 9am I was ready to fall over.

I thought, "ok...I need to EAT." I decided I'd go out for dinner later..maybe a steak, or nice burger with fries...Nothing too crazy, but something with more calories than I would normally consume. I knew I *needed* it.

Iactually didn't even make it to last night, I went out at lunch with a coworker and had a cheeseburger (bun and all!) and some steak fries. I felt SO MUCH BETTER after that meal, Raphael commented that my color had returned (I didn't realize it was quite that bad), I could think and focus again, and I slept like a baby last night. I also wasn't stuffed from the meal nor did I feel that gross "insta-bloat" feeling, and I still felt hunger later in the day so my snacks and later meals remained the same (in the past I'd probably have skipped them). I also slept very well last night. And felt guilt free, there were no nasty words from that voice.

I hope with time that I'll be able to identify those signals (and trust them) a little sooner than I was able to this time, but that felt like a big step in the right direction. This morning my weight was the same as yesterday, which just reinforced the goodness.

*deep breath*

I can do this.

I still have some hormone issues to figure out...the Dr isn't on the agenda yet. Christie thinks (and I agree) that it will work itself out as i get this eating thing under control.

A ways to go, but getting there :)

I rested again today, just needed a little cardio, no yoga, nada.
Should make for a strong squat day tomorrow :)

Saturday, August 21, 2010

August 21

So Coco asked me an interesting question - if lowering my calories doesn't result in the weight loss because it's a result of stress not over consumption...what will I do?

Well the answer is really that I don't know what I'll do if it doesn't help. But just feeling like I'm doing everything I can to take care of it already has me feeling ever so slightly less stressed. Maybe that's bad, a sign of just how "distorted" my thinking is, how off my beliefs about myself are. I feel like I have to apologize for it or something, but it is what it is and it's important to me for a variety of reasons right now. I'm not doing it in secret or unsupervised, I emailed Christie and she replied to go ahead and give it a try but suggested a slight tweak to my macros (closer to 40/40/20 instead of my 45/35/20). I guess ultimately if it doesn't help (and probably even if it does), I'll have to see a Dr. to consider adrenal fatigue as Karen suggested, or at the very least to get my girly hormones sorted out.

Today we took one tiny step *away* from the 150, and the spasming in my back has been significantly less. I took other steps today - started looking ahead to what I want to do next, the ever popular "where do you see yourself in 5 years?" question. Tough to imagine since I have this house I'm stuck with, but I'm not sweating the details at this point. Can't, or I'll just be paralyzed in the "what ifs."

Hopefully the back will remain calm tonight, and another good night's sleep will bring with it a little less stress in the morning.

Friday, August 20, 2010


I've been hiding a bit. I have nothing good to say, I don't feel enlightened, I don't feel good, I feel a little ashamed and a little angry.

I saw Christie on Wednesday, I had called to move my standing appointment sooner because my weight was just skyrocketing and I thought for sure I must be eating too much. I admitted to not taking a full day off in near 3 weeks out of fear...She calmed me a bit, but said that a reduction in calories was absolutely not warranted, that it was my stress level causing "this." Work, the bank, the weight itself...she cited the muscle spasms I've been having in my back as a good indication that it is stress, that my body is so guarded, preparing for war, that it's holding on to absolutely everything, holding tight.

I wanted to believe her.

I left with an assignment to take yesterday (thursday) off - no training, no cardio. Instructions to monitor my stress level before/after workouts, and workout only if something other than the number was driving my motivation. Also she wanted me to incorporate more yoga, and if I wanted - yoga on an off day would be ok. I wanted what she said to be true.

I took yesterday off, since I said that I would. I did do about 20 minutes of gentle yoga last night, in an attempt to soothe the back.

This morning I woke up at 149.2 pounds, up TWO POINT TWO pounds from that day off, thankyouverymuch.

I can't do this. I sent Christie this email earlier this evening:

I can't be here, I can't - this isn't right! SOMETHING is wrong. This is why I can't take a day off. I wanted to trust but after that...something isn't right :( I dropped my cals today by 250, I can't keep this up - I can't.

1550 cals
180g protein (45%)
135g carbs (35%)
31g fat (20%)

Maybe I'm not ready for's hard for me to understand why it's not ok for me to want to feel my best and be at a weight that I am comfortable at if that is not an unhealthy or unreasonable place. I'm sorry I can't be happy with me like this, I just can't, this isn't where I feel good, it's not how I move best - it's not even helping me lift more - I get nothing from this except bloated ankles and marks from my too tight pants and bra around my waist and chest :(

I have to fix this. No w/o vids, I can't even look at them.
But they're done.

I was off from work today (soooo very needed) and had a massage. Filled an Rx I got for the knee that I never took today, got it for the back spasms that have been keeping me up all night. Hopefully that will help. Hopefully the massage helped. I also got some biofreeze. And lots of icing. I'm not injured, because after all of these things (ice, rest, massage) the pain goes away completely. It's totally stress induced and I can feel it tighten as the day goes on. The more I tense the more it contracts and the more tense I get, etc...vicious cycle. Hopefully the Rx will interrupt that cycle and I can get some relief. And much needed sleep.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Where I Am Right Now

A number of things are going on right now that are kind of big and scary and that in order for me to successfully navigate, I need to continually bring myself back to the right here, right now.

You all know what's up with me personally, and that continues. I called Christie this morning and asked her for an earlier appointment if possible (I don't see her until Saturday), but she is booked up. She reminded me early this morning to try to just stay focused on NOW. It was good timing.

This is a big week for us at work, our new commercial is going out to the stations and should be hitting the airwaves very soon. Peek:

We *finally* made the announcement of our partnership with the Biggest Loser (we filmed that commercial when we were in Portland as well but it's had to be on the down low until today).

But, even with all that good, there were casualties. We took a big loss today, we were surprised by a round of layoffs. I'm not going to elaborate beyond that, was a *very* difficult day. And I'm fine, I survived (as did most anyone you are wondering about if you are reading this), but...

So where am I right now? I'm on my sofa with my beautiful Ms. Lily snuggled up by me:

From Blogger Pictures

Lots of love and support from all of my family and amazing circle of friends, safe with a job that (despite the stress) I do love, in a home that (despite the stress with the bank) I also love...

I am O.K. right this very moment. Very capable and aware. Tired, a little angry, very sad, kind of frustrated, a little anxious...but and OK.

Christie didn't have any earlier appointments for me but she will call me if something opens. I had an amazing workout this morning and I know I am getting stronger and improving my technique. I have a world of opportunity waiting to be explored.

I'm on the right path, even when I get confused and think I'm not.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Everything I Eat Turns to Health, Beauty, and Love

Last week Christie asked me to start trying to say some affirmations when it was time to eat. She said I don't have to believe them, just say them out loud. She gave me a list of some to choose from, wanting me to find one I really felt and connected with. I did use them, but none of them felt good to me. Yesterday searching the web I found this one, "Everything I eat turns to health, beauty and love." For whatever reason, that one made the connection, so I'm claiming it as my own. And I think I'd like to modify it to include "strength..."

Everything I eat turns to health, beauty, strength, and love.

I don't believe it, and as a matter of fact as I say it outloud, the little voice inside my head continues on with "actually, it turns to fat and hate." But I've been saying it anyway, and trying to set the voice to the side.

The truth is I am completely out of control and I don't know why. I'm really warring with myself and I don't know how to stop it. I can't "let go" when every day the weight goes up up up. Here it is ready? Today I was 147.2 pounds. I was 138 when I came home from the commercial shoot at the beginning of July. What IS this? Everything I eat DOES turn to fat, excess unused energy getting stored away? Am I doing anything differently than I was before my last meet, after my last meet? training is a little different but WHAT THE FUCK, am I allowed to say that? WHAT THE FUCK, I feel punished. Not working hard enough? What is wrong with me? I mean seriously am I eating in my sleep? Yeah I'm ANGRY, I feel betrayed, I feel like all this is doing is reinforcing WHY I CAN'T LET GO, ever. And what makes is worse is that I haven't actually let go. I'm NOT going out to eat, I'm NOT eating crap, I'm NOT eating more or less than I should be (well apparently I am) ...

I sent Christie an email this morning, I feel desperately out of control. I can't let this keep going, I can't let it get any worse. I just asked her to please help me stop this, if we could get together sooner than next Saturday and review what I need to be eating.

So far today, I don't know what the "right thing" is, everything inside of me says STOP EATING but everything I know says KEEP EATING and I'm so tired of it. I am "just eating," saying my little affirmation in tears and just DOING it. I'm not really sure that's particularly the "right way" either.

I did overkill the workout this morning, probably. I used my new jump rope for about 15 minutes, ran for 35, jump roped another 5, and then did my new Rodney Yee "Yoga Burn" DVD that was 55 minutes. The Yoga DVD helped calm me down some...

Friday's workout was bench/squat/bench. It took a full 2 hours so once again I did not have time to fit my cardio in at the end. I was definitely fatigued and it was a real push to get through the workout. Despite that, even after all that benching, I was able to increase the weight from 35 to 40lb dumbbells for the finishing sets (4 sets of 8) of incline db presses. That was a HUGE score. I'll work on pausing those now.

Tomorrow I've got squat/bench/squat on tap.

For the rest of today I am going to focus on NOT panicking and on my newly adopted affirmation, whether I believe it or not. And I am reminding myself of why this journey started...

“It is by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life. Where you stumble, there lies your treasure.” - Joseph Campbell

Well I'm STILL down in there, but I'm coming up, and I'm coming up with my treasure...true happiness.

Everything I eat turns to health, beauty, strength, and love.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Taking Back Some Power

One of the things that my little "episode" this weekend helped me to see even more clearly than before is my need to feel in control. I don't like to feel powerless (not that anyone does but...); I get restless, I feel caged or trapped, panicky.

Earlier in the week last week I received a FedEx from Bank of America. This is part of an ongoing battle we've been engaged in for months, trying to go through the Home Affordable Modification Program with Bank of America. The letter within the FedEx threatened that I could "lose my eligibility" for not having returned requested required documents.

That I returned.

In February.

I cannot tell you how in that instant I felt completely powerless. I have been at this with them for months, at their mercy, as there is no other bank that will touch my mortgage for a refinance with a 10ft pole. I'm nearly 200% upside down, for starters. Roadblocks at every's ANOTHER battle, day in and day out with them.

Today I sent this email to one of their associates who had been trying to help me navigate the process. It details the steps I took on Friday to try to take some power back from them...

On Friday I sent a letter to Bank of America CEO Brian Moynihan (I know, fat chance he’ll see it but it made me feel better) detailing the timeline that has taken me to this point. I also included a copy of the package of information that was requested and returned to BoA in February (the same packet you have), annotated to note where all of the documents were originally included that were highlighted and deemed “missing” by the latest letter I received last week, despite numerous reassurances that all documentation had been received and was complete.

I sent the same package and copy of the letter to Brian Moynihan, along with an additional cover letter asking for any assistance or intervention on my behalf and on behalf of EVERYONE, for some oversight or SOMETHING – to my Florida (D) Senator Bill Nelson.

Finally, I contacted an Evening News producer and I will be speaking with CBS Miami for an interview tomorrow (Tuesday) afternoon about this entire situation. They will be doing an “investigative report” type story.

This has been *17 months* in the making. As such, you can imagine that I am outraged, disgusted, and beyond frustrated with all of this. It is a process with no “process” in place, not one department knows what another is doing, misinformation abounds, documents are lost, all the while people are losing their homes or quite simply walking away out of frustration when, moral obligation aside - it makes NO economic sense to continue to stay. I will not just sit here and be threatened (“…at risk of losing your eligibility because you have not returned the following documents…”) or made to feel powerless over this situation one minute longer.

I may not get anywhere with this, but at least I’ll know that I’ve stood up for myself, and anyone else who’s at their wits end because of this ridiculous process. MY money, YOUR money, and everyone else’s money went into BoA for a bail out, I’ve played and asked nicely for a little help in return, and I’m getting roadblocks at every turn. I’m done playing nice, I’m done playing patient, and I’m done banging my head against the wall. At this point, I want an answer – yes or no.

I very much appreciate the help you’ve provided me so far, but I think you’ll agree that this has really gone on long enough. Thank you again for your help and understanding,


Getting all that stuff out and dealt with on Friday was certainly a huge help, but I needed more of a control fix, so Saturday - well..I set out to control the thing that I could the easiest and fastest...control fix = ahhhhhh. It quieted all the chatter in my head, at least temporarily.

In other news: My lil' Sweetpea is! right now on catnip ;)

In OTHER other news, my training today was faaaabulous. I'm exhausted, but it went really well. Myles will probably tell me differently, but watching my form on some of these sets, I feel like I'm still making some really good progress :)

Here's one for your viewing pleasure ;) The last of a bajillion total sets!
133 x 4

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Gave In...

I gave in today, in a big way. I've knocked so far at least 300 calories out of my day and I did double workouts...once this morning at the gym, and just a little while ago I completed Ultimate Victory workout on my Boot Camp DVD. Physically it feels good. I feel like I did "enough" and now everything will be ok. Emotionally it feels good "ahhh ok we're back in control now...we can fix this." Intellectually - I know I've given in and I know that at least on paper, it's not in my best interest.

I've been fighting this all week, really feeling completely out of control. My weight has been making me feel like I've completely lost control when it's been up for no reason that I can identify and feeling so FAT. And TRYING to be ok with it, TRYING to at last fake it through by writing those little notes and sending them back to myself, staying off the scale (even if only twice)... but it's soooo hard when I feel so uncomfortable in my skin...with my clothes being tight and feeling self-conscious like EVERYONE can see it, my weight belt...blah blah. Maybe it was work and the bank stress just pushed me over...maybe I just needed the fix :(

I know I have a problem, and my comfort is restricting. Or working out too much. Or both. Just like anyone else who eats emotionally, or drinks or uses drugs. I see that now. Christie told me today (yup, I saw her TODAY and still here I am..) that if I *did* give in, that I would probably try to convince myself that I didn't care...and I am doing just that, it feels honestly so good that I want to say I quit, I don't wanna do this anymore. That's supposed to be bad right? But it feels *good* I know how twisted that must sound. The voice is trying to soothe me too..."it's going to be ok, when we get this extra weight off it will be ok." And I know that's not true but jeez wouldn't it just be a little easier? This is so-freaking-hard. I thought I battled with myself before but this week has been so much...I'm so tired.

Feeling pretty much like a huge disaster right about now, completely in pieces and I know it was my choices today that got me here. Christie recommended today that I add a regular counselor in to my treatment, and she gave me 4 or 5 names to look into.

I don't know what this is, confession session? I just needed to get it out...there's not a lot to say I guess.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

August 4 Training

Maybe part of what I'm feeling is also exhaustion. My workout this morning wiped me out long before I even got to work.

Today was deads/bench/deads day.

The first group of deads were "halting" deads, or deadlifts to knees.
Basically you perform the first part of the lift and lift from the floor to the knees, pause (x 3 seconds), and then complete the lift.

Here's my last set of those:

I can't even tell you what a special kind of hell those are. The weight is relatively light, and they still totally wasted me. Many, sets of those, then bench, and then back to regular deads.

After my 2nd to last set of deads, I was unsure I'd even get through the last one. The weight was a little heavier than the last set of halting deads, but still, relative to the way I had been training, very light, and it about killed me.

Form was definitely suffering by then. Kept my back tight, solid arch, but my hips come up way high before the bar even begins to move, not sure what was going on there but I'm quite sure fatigue played a role in it.

Friday is squat/bench/squat and pretty high volume. I'm off on Friday but after I train I have to go sit for CPR recertification (for PT cert that is on the verge of expiring). If i"m not feeling recovered I'll have to move that to Saturday I think..we'll see how I'm feeling.

It's not all Roses and Lollipops

I'm not feeling ME - I'm going through motions because I've been told to because it's "the right thing" for me to do. I've been 100% on board with the "fake it till you make it" train and I don't feel closer to believing that I can DO this.

I'm feeling completely out of control, I want to give in and get that control back. I haven't logged food in weeks, I'm eating the "required" added cheese, apple, and milk, but I don't want to - I'm doing it because I'm supposed to. I physically feel enormous, I want it to go, I want to cut my calories but I'm not because I'm not supposed to. I didn't weigh today, yes it was a choice, but it wasn't a choice I wanted for myself - I did it because I'm supposed to try.

The weight, I can't explain it. I don't know the WHY behind it. No I'm not logging my food, but I know approximately where I am (calories consumed, rough ratios) and I know what I'm doing for workouts and yet here I am clearly gaining. *SEVEN* pounds in one month?! Are you kidding me? How can I trust this?! My clothes are tight, I feel bloated, I feel LOST.

I've been posting OperationBeautiful.Com post it notes all week, they feel really good to leave, to hopefully bring a smile to someone else. But I don't believe them for me.

I feel shame, and anger and fear. I'm ashamed of myself for feeling this way, I'm ANGRY at something but I haven't figured out what...and well we know what the great fear is. And it's here.

I know that I want to be loved unconditionally and separate from my body, but I'm apparently unwilling to do that for myself. But I don't know how when I'm *so uncomfortable* in it...when my clothes are tight or pull or plain don't fit. When my belly gets bloated and pushes out and rubs the inside of my shirt. When my weight belt won't fit on the notch it normally fits on. When my sexy red dress isn't sexy anymore.

When does this get easier? Is there really a "natural weight?" What if mine is really high? What if I really can't trust me? What if right now what feels good and safe and right is the the very thing that I asked for help to stop?

Saturday I see Christie, and right now I'm angry at me for feeling like I NEED that. Weak. Part of me (I think we know which part) wants me to keep on so I can prove that I can't do goes something like, "See? I told you it wouldn't work, now let ME back in control and we'll fix it all up and make it better." I hear that voice, it's loud and clear. Right now I'm just going to keep on doing what I'm supposed to. I'm gonna sit here and feel all of this shit for what it is and just keep doing what I'm doing, because I'm supposed to.

This is hard.

Monday, August 2, 2010


I did it! Hah! Me! I voluntarily (that is *by*choice*) stayed OFF my scale today for the ENTIRE DAY. #1DAYNOSCALE

I honestly do not believe there has been a day in the past 10 years that I have not weighed myself unless it was by force (no scale available). Not a single day.

And this morning, despite the trepidation, despite wanting to cry and throw and tantrum and say "I can do it if I WANT to," I talked myself through it. And when I finally convinced myself that I could step AWAY from the scale, I quickly got dressed and ATE something (pre-gym breakfast) so as to completely ruin any chances of having a change of heart and running back upstairs, stripping down and jumping on ;)


That's not to say that I haven't otherwise been freaking about it all day, but I'm dealing, I'm still here, I didn't MELT and I'm pretty sure I didn't gain 12lbs when I wasn't looking.

Tomorrow will be another day, no promises now of what tomorrow will bring. But I do know that today I did it, so I do know that I can choose to do it again.

And now for something completely different!

Training today went squat/bench/squat. Lots of squat. Lots of bench too, who am I kidding. A bajillion paused reps followed by 4 sets of 8 db incline press (also paused, gah) and my pecs are uhhhhh..let's just say *feeling*it*

Legs are too, and really I need to get my ass off the computer and right onto the foam roller, if there's any hope of movement tomorrow :)

And now for your viewing pleasure...

Last Bench - really focusing on form here, trying to keep elbows in, touch lower and keep the arch solid.