Sunday, May 29, 2011

Where to Begin...

On Friday I was put on "working notice" at work, my last day is to be July 8th. If you know me, you already know why and you also know that this is probably the best thing that could happen. Well, hahah..almost best :) It would have been best had I gotten something else FIRST, but...being released from there is really a relief and a big step towards happiness.  I've been nothing but stressed for months! The terms of my notice are, relatively speaking, extraordinarily generous (I'm not sure why, but my guess is that it has something to do with marketing), and during this time I can choose to work from home or the office unless they need me in the office for something specifically.  I'll take "home" for $1,000 please Alex!

The timing surprised me, I guess I knew it would come eventually, but I didn't expect it *quite* yet...I was thinking I had till maybe August/September. With the surprise comes a big sense of relief,  a little anger, and a lot of "umm...shit!" I cycle through these emotions fairly frequently...waves just kind of hit me out of nowhere. There's some sadness too.  I know a lot of you would say "why sad?" and I think it's because there was a time (albeit quite brief) that this job to me was just the epitome of awesome...I loved it and I was happy to go in to work everyday.  Also sad maybe because as I realized I did love it so much, it was easy for me to give *so much* to it. Looking back I see just how much that was and how ultimately in the end it did nothing to help and I got nothing out of it except maybe it feels a bit like a kick in the head to be asked to leave...even if I was unhappy there for the past year or two.

Where am I going with all this...I saw yesterday that this coming week we will have a new moon, symbolizing "the time to begin new projects, initiate contracts, make important phones calls, write up a proposal and do anything that requires a starting point. A time to undertake new cycles."  I'm not generally one to put too much importance on these kinds of things, but in this case, I'm going to build on this idea and run with it through every aspect of my life. It was already starting..I could feel a change in me happening most specifically with all of the eating issues, a new trust has been really taking hold and growing.

My next post was going to be about a small victory in that arena, but Friday's news sort of dwarfed it in the immediate sense.  But the more I think about it now, in relation to undertaking new cycles, it's perfect. A friend of mine invited me to a cook-out at her house on Memorial Day, I accepted. I know it doesn't sound like much, but it occurred to me that a year ago I'd be doing one of three things right now: a) completely freaking out about going, how will I eat, what if everyone thinks I'm a freak because I don't eat anything, or I bring something of my own? b) trying to get out of going because of (a), or c) being sad and miserable because I would have declined it to begin with - further from "living," and further isolating myself .

Today - I'm excited about tomorrow and the prospect of seeing my friend, hopefully meeting some new folks, and generally having a good time. I'm not in freak-mode about the food or my weight or how to handle the situation...all I need to do is show up and have fun :) I have not stepped on the scale since last Monday - I know I'm up a little but I'm just now coming off my period and I know that's normal and not freak worthy and not even worthy of stepping on the scale, I can feel the bloat - no need :) I feel good, I feel *different* I believe it now when Raphael says it IS possible to heal this...I'm doing it, i'm working hard at it :)  There's a confidence and trust that has never been there before.

So two new cycles there, but both speak to changing the quality of my life..taking it back and making it mine again.  I also think I'm just about ready to hit the PL training again...I've been having a hard time resisting (!) squats and deadlifts in the gym lately, and more so - wanting to move some WEIGHT!

Last night I read through 5-3-1 for Powerlifting and I think that's where I'm going to start.  I used the original 5-3-1 program after my first meet (and overdid it). I think I've learned enough now and have gotten so much better at listening to my body that I'm in a good place to try's been slightly revised since then. I'm going to consider the next 3-4 weeks a transition period...working the lifts back into my regular rotation, getting re-used to the movements, refining form, and then I'll give it a go. I'm excited :)

Meanwhile, late last week I took my deadlift for a spin to see how she was lookin ;) Kept it light and simple with 5 x 5 sets.  Here's the last set (lost my grip on that last rep, had to reset):

Not too bad for 5 months off, I feel encouraged ... in so many things, beginning again :)

Monday, May 9, 2011

One Year Ago...Update

Surprise surprise, I haven't posted in ages.  I've been a bit on the busy side...on the job front, on the home front, on the training front (even though I'm not specifically training for anything right now), and on the weight/eating/recovery front...

On a whim tonight I thought I'd look back and see if I posted anything around this date a year ago. Surprise - I posted on May 9th, 2010...Nutrition and Wt Battles Continue.

I'm still fighting with some of the same things, but in many ways I've come really far. It's less of a struggle, and I'm catching myself before spiraling way down deep into it. I owe a lot of that to a lot of folks who've been patient with me while I try to figure things out. Christie, RC, Coco, Tara, Brandi, Brooke...tons of others too, who've just been understanding.

I've been dieting...the same plan I talked about in one of my few posts in March...100g carbs most days, low cals, and either a high day or a cheat meal day once every 4-7 days. It's been hard and progress is very slow..not quite 1lb per week on average. But I'm getting leaner than ever at a higher weight, and my body is sort of evening behaves less extremely? Not sure how to fully explain that...but the extremes are less extreme.

I wish I knew how to communicate a feeling that washed over me a few weeks was a deep down inside feeling that knew I was never going to do this again, that I've got a handle on it...THIS TIME is like the time in 2000 when I knew I was going to lose weight "this time." That's it, no questions no doubt. Ok so there's some doubt, but I let go of the constant worry.  I had a session a few weeks back with Christie where I explained this letting go, that I realized EVERYTHING was completely out of my control and I could only do what I could...hahah how silly right, of course that's all any of us could do. But I've been so determined to take and keep control of everything, it took losing control of everything (job, home, weight, etc) to realize that I couldn't do it...and more importantly, that that was OK.

She also had me draw out this sort of mental transformation I've made between sometime in 2006 and now...I've never wished more that I were an artist and could really put the vision I have in my head to paper.  It still felt good to get it out.

Yes I'm still trying to lose a bit of this, but I'm not letting it overwhelm me. I'm keeping my high days (and fully enjoying them), I'm not fearing my off days, I'm not letting the scale determine the direction of my focus is not the number but how I feel and how my clothes fit.  I'm almost there, and I think I'll end up at my highest "goal weight" ever...and be happy about it :)

At the same time I've sold my house, moved, and continue the career pursuit. Things are settling down a little, but all in all, I'm feeling pretty good.  Letting go of all that stuff (whether by force or voluntarily I think is irrelevant at this point) was the best thing that could have happened. Yay...I feel like I'm on the ascent...coming out of the abyss, hopefully with my treasure :) return soonish :)