Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Another Non-Training Training Blog Post ;)

So, after consulting with my Realtor tonight just to be's official, and I'm moving.  The offer that was made on my house for the short sale has been officially accepted by the bank, I got the paperwork today, and the closing date must be on or before 5/12/2011.

Six weeks to find a new place to live and move.  Totally doable.  Stressy, but doable.  And oh....*relief* once those papers are signed!

Danette (my realtor - she rocks, and if you're in SoFL I would highly recommend her!) is going to help me find a place, and we're going to target 5/1, so I can try to move over time rather than all in one day (hopefully the full 12 days until 5/12!).

I'd hoped that I'd have found a new job by now so that I could move to a place that was convenient for that, but...hey what can ya do ;) I'll probably just stick around this general area, because..well, I like it!  It's not far from West Palm, not far from Fort Lauderdale, it works for me in a good way :)

I can't believe it actually happened this quickly, it's very very lucky that I not only got a buyer but also that the bank moved me through the process and ultimately accepted the offer!

So while things are still up in the air job wise, and even where I'm going to be living, I'm comfortable with it. I have a deep sense of "it's all going to be ok, it's working itself out." Slowly but surely, one step at a time :)
Yay :)

Monday, March 28, 2011

What's New & Different

After RUM 4 in January I decided I needed a break from powerlifting for a while for a variety of reasons, but one in particular: it's exhausting :)  Don't get me wrong, I love it, but I learned (the hard way) a long time ago that regardless of the TYPE of stress (physical vs emotional/mental), the body responds to it in the same way.  So while I'm hammering away and physically stressing my body, if there's *stuff* going on that is causing other sorts of stress, it's like a double dose.  So, I opted to chill a bit on the physical stress, since there wasn't (isn't) a whole lot I can do about all the OTHER stress.

For a while that caused me it's own sort of stress, I felt a little lost in the gym - no plans, no goals, no events.  But I went on a run or two for cardio and decided "hey, ya know what, this feels good again!"  And I decided to run with it (har har), thinking it'd be a great past time until I felt like I could take on the PL again.  I signed up for a 10k on April 3, I set up a training was *very* exciting ;)

One week in and I was doing well! I wasn't far off on pace (it came back quickly) and I added a whole half mile to my runs (4 miles total!) and BAM, out went that knee.  Pretty much just like that, too :( I don't know what I did, how I did it, but it was excruciating for a solid day, and then just really really painful after that.  I knocked off the running immediately, RICE was the order of the day(S) and no lower body training. A week later I tentatively tried some body weight squats - nope! Basic leg extensions...NO GO! Didn't even have full ROM with no weight.  Boo. More RICE...another week - repeated the tests, they went well!  *phew*  Another week (last Friday) and I tried some lightweight squats - bar, 65, and 85lbs...score! Yay!

So here I am, one week out from that 10k.  Not gonna happen.  And I've decided that if I have to choose, I'd rather squat than run.  So running's officially out, aside from the occasional (and probably now LESS frequent) cardio run on the weekend.

The emotional/mental stress has greatly reduced since January, mainly because I've "let go" of so many of the things that are out of my control.  All I can do is the best I can each day. I can't plan for every contingency, and there is a LOT of stuff just up in the air.  All the time.  And each day I'm a little more "ok" with that :)  So I made that choice, but I'm not quite ready to go back to PL yet, despite the drop in stress levels.

Instead, I'm trying to drop these extra pounds, for real.  We've come up with a plan that so far is working, but it's difficult.  40 mins moderate cardio x 6 days, training x 6 days and 1400 cals with 100g carbs.  A "high" day every 5-7 days as's coming down.  It's tiring, and it's definitely NOT a PL diet ;)  I am weighing every day, but the plan is to stop when I FEEL right again.  I have a goal dress and goal jeans, not a specific goal weight.  I'm not obsessing, I'm not precisely measuring, I'm not neurotically tracking, and I'm not fearing my off days or my high days. I have trusted friends by my side, a plan in place, Christie's sort of approval(ish), but - I do feel like the past 8-9 months have taught me a lot...I'm ready for this.  This time, just like that one time almost 11 years ago, is different :)

This is the image I'm keeping in mind as I do this, this is my visualization when times get tough (there are a *few* some days ;)  - I'm going to be back here, strong, confident...soon :)

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Staying Put

It's been far too long since I've posted here, again. I'm sure it will happen again, too. Instead of feeling guilty about it, I'm just going to come here when I need it, when the expression of something I'm carrying will help me to feel better. I have enough stuff to feel guilty about and worry about.

I woke up this morning in *that* place. The scale was actually slightly less than yesterday, and yet I felt bigger, close that were fine yesterday were disgusting today, I felt more out of control today, and on and on.  You know these days.  I shrugged it off and went on my way to the gym, where of course I was weaker, slower, LESSER. Than what? Than last week? Two weeks ago? Not sure..but I assure you I was very very something-er less than "before." I left there 110 minutes later just feeling angry and bad. I wanted to fight, I wanted to yell and throw things and cry. I still didn't know why.

I started to take it out on myself when I got home and hit the shower. Everything I saw was wrong, flawed, weak, name it.  I thought about Christie reminding me that when the body HATE, I mean deep HATE really flares up, it's likely not my body, it's something else - another emotion, a different battle.  Pause she said, and figure out what it is - the problem is not your body, "it'snotmybody-it'snotmybody-it'snotmybody-it'snotmybody**breathe**it'snotmybody-it'snotmybody-it'snotmybody-it'snotmybody."

It's been a struggle to keep that in mind today, I will tell you that. But I think it (or a piece of it) finally came to me this afternoon. I can't control the job situation right now, not to the extent that I'd like. I've told myself, tried to be very convincing, responsible, smart...."move wherever there's an opportunity, be can go anywhere, be free!" Sure it makes sense, it sounds good, it's the right thing, the SMART thing to do - yeah? Hell yeah it is...I'm un-tethering myself from the house and that opens up my horizons..releases me to move about the country as needed.

That's what my brain says. That's what smart, reasonable, trusted people around me say. 

Yet here's what I blurted out with my lunch companion today, unexpectedly, probably most honestly and more from my heart as I've been in a long time ... I don't WANT to move away from here.

There I said it. And it feels GOOD to say it. I don't know why, I know it makes little sense from a career sense, financial sense...really probably ANY sense except my heart sense.  I can't put my finger on why, except that I don't want to start over. Again. The last time, I very specifically chose to make my life here, why has that changed just because the job situation has? Why can't I make a go at it? I like it here.

Is that wrong?  Is it worth this constant battle with myself? Why am I fighting it so much? Am I being foolish? Not to say that I will put limits and walls up and not allow myself to explore any opportunities elsewhere, but...really? Is it ok to want to say put? Not even in the house, I've let go of that - but just here.  I want to be here.

I want to let go of so much of this stress, surrender, accept this.

I think there's probably more in there, I still feel very uncomfortable with me but maybe that's for another conversation, another day.

I also need a nap.