It's been far too long since I've posted here, again. I'm sure it will happen again, too. Instead of feeling guilty about it, I'm just going to come here when I need it, when the expression of something I'm carrying will help me to feel better. I have enough stuff to feel guilty about and worry about.
I woke up this morning in *that* place. The scale was actually slightly less than yesterday, and yet I felt bigger, close that were fine yesterday were disgusting today, I felt more out of control today, and on and on. You know these days. I shrugged it off and went on my way to the gym, where of course I was weaker, slower, LESSER. Than what? Than last week? Two weeks ago? Not sure..but I assure you I was very very something-er less than "before." I left there 110 minutes later just feeling angry and bad. I wanted to fight, I wanted to yell and throw things and cry. I still didn't know why.
I started to take it out on myself when I got home and hit the shower. Everything I saw was wrong, flawed, weak, fat...you name it. I thought about Christie reminding me that when the body HATE, I mean deep HATE really flares up, it's likely not my body, it's something else - another emotion, a different battle. Pause she said, and figure out what it is - the problem is not your body, "it'snotmybody-it'snotmybody-it'snotmybody-it'snotmybody**breathe**it'snotmybody-it'snotmybody-it'snotmybody-it'snotmybody."
It's been a struggle to keep that in mind today, I will tell you that. But I think it (or a piece of it) finally came to me this afternoon. I can't control the job situation right now, not to the extent that I'd like. I've told myself, tried to be very convincing, responsible, smart...."move wherever there's an opportunity, be open...you can go anywhere, be free!" Sure it makes sense, it sounds good, it's the right thing, the SMART thing to do - yeah? Hell yeah it is...I'm un-tethering myself from the house and that opens up my horizons..releases me to move about the country as needed.
That's what my brain says. That's what smart, reasonable, trusted people around me say.
Yet here's what I blurted out with my lunch companion today, unexpectedly, probably most honestly and more from my heart as I've been in a long time ... I don't WANT to move away from here.
There I said it. And it feels GOOD to say it. I don't know why, I know it makes little sense from a career sense, financial sense...really probably ANY sense except my heart sense. I can't put my finger on why, except that I don't want to start over. Again. The last time, I very specifically chose to make my life here, why has that changed just because the job situation has? Why can't I make a go at it? I like it here.
Is that wrong? Is it worth this constant battle with myself? Why am I fighting it so much? Am I being foolish? Not to say that I will put limits and walls up and not allow myself to explore any opportunities elsewhere, but...really? Is it ok to want to say put? Not even in the house, I've let go of that - but just here. I want to be here.
I want to let go of so much of this stress, surrender, accept this.
I think there's probably more in there, I still feel very uncomfortable with me but maybe that's for another conversation, another day.
I also need a nap.