Thursday, February 10, 2011

Honor This House

Yesterday I woke up with a load of disgust and discontent.  It was from deep within, and it was directed solely at me and at my body. I was just *blah*...wrong, off! I stared and focused in on every flaw/bump/lump/whatever...

I've been trying to "be normal" and not stress the weight, measure, track, workout like a loon, or otherwise go crazy over the weight for a while now.  In June I was in the mid-high 130s.  In July I spontaneously combusted and shot up into the low-mid 140s like - almost overnight, and since have averaged out in the mid-high 140s.

I feel out of control of my body. None of the steps that I'm taking are changing that..I try and I try to "accept" and yet there's been nothing but *tolerance*  Lately tolerance has become a BATTLE. A serious fight day in and day out because this feeling of grossness and discontent underneath has been brewing. I know I've said this a number of times, but I'm not really sure people *get* FEELS WRONG here. This is not my healthy weight. I don't care if it's within normal BMI range, I don't care if I don't look fat, and I used to worry that people thought I was being vain...but I don't care anymore, it's not about that.  I quite simply don't feel good here.

It is true the more stressed I get about my job and my home and the bank and all that, my attention focuses more sharply on myself, but that's because it's the only thing that's truly mine. What's that athletic clothing line...gah I'm totally blanking...Under Armour! They have that saying, "Protect This House." My house is in terrible disarray.  It's sloppy and isn't comfortable to live in. At the end of your hectic day all you want is to come home to a nice, warm, welcoming, comfy house. I want my house to be that way again.  I can't keep feigning acceptance here, it's turning into a fight and I'm just starting to feel resentful. I want *my* house back...I want my body to FEEL right again..THAT is the way to honor this house. That's it. Non-negotiable.

I had some help in letting go of this fight. I was doing it all this time because it was what I was told I was "supposed" to do but not because it was what I wanted. I felt empowered, given permission to accept what my body has been screaming all along. All this time I was supposed to be letting go, and really all along I was still fighting.  Letting go I think, can really start now.

I don't really have a plan for accomplishing this quite yet, but I do know I'm not going to suddenly jump back on the scale every day, and I'm not going to suddenly start logging my food again daily (the thought turns me off completely). I might log here and there just to get a sense of where I am, and maybe to create some sort of very flexible "plan," but truly the thought of going on a very structured and regimented plan doesn't appeal in the slightest. I guess "the plan" is for intentional but intuitive, and here I have to believe it CAN be both if I'm truly connected.

This *feels* right deep inside from the same place that that discomfort and discontent was spewing from.

On another note - my training has been "off" too, really struggling in the gym with focus, strength, and motivation.  Sunglasses Trainer Guy came up to me today and asked me what's going on with me, he told me I wasn't myself.  Hahah...understatement.  I nearly burst out into tears and it felt like confession when I basically said - I don't know what to do! I know I want to be there, and I know I DON"T need to be powerlifting right now, but I don't want to think and I can't motivate myself _at all_ lately!  I told him I had thought about hiring him for 2 or 3 weeks just to help get me through this.  He said he would train me, he said "I'll do it, I won't take your money but I'll train you."  That felt good...huge relief. This was something else that I've really been struggling with, and he's offered to relieve that for me.  Tomorrow I give him my schedule, and we work out a 3 day split for next week and the week after.  Possibly one more week after that if I still need it.  He said, "Look, I've been telling you for and a half...two years now? If you ever need help I'll help you, if this is what you need, I've got it."  A big thank you Sunglasses Trainer Guy (yes I know his real name ;)

Deep breath...

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Disconnect to Reconnect

I haven't been treating myself very nicely this past week or so.  I'm not sure why, when things get extra stressful, I sort of "turn" on myself, but I definitely have been. 

The week wasn't really any different as far as the work situation goes, but maybe just the duration of the high stress is beginning to really wear me down.  Between that and everything I've just been going non-stop. I have a client I train four days per week, and I'm probably picking up two more people this week.  When I'm not doing that or planning for that, I'm working on web stuff for Bloom or helping a good friend with his.  And if it's not that, I'm searching for jobs, writing cover letters, networking, etc (as if this is secondary!).

I'm spread too thin.

Christy once put it something like, "you have so many balls you're trying to keep up in the air and take care of, there's no time let for you.  It's like you're giving yourself whatever is left over..." she wrote me a reminder note, "Don't take the leftovers." That session really resonated with me, and for a while I did a good job of reprioritizing.

This past week though, I think I've started back with the leftovers.  Too little sleep, too little food, and a push for more more more drive.  Part of it comes from not being able to get away from the job faast enough, so if I just apply more or get more clients or fix this or do harder, somehow it'll happen that much faster.  Well yeah *maybe*  But there's probably a point of like...critical mass...say it with me folks...that point where more is not necessarily better. Right now all it's doing is making me want to withdraw. I'm feeling myself contract...hide in my little shell, I feel like I can't give anymore so I don't want myself OUT there...

Anyway...I did well for a while weighing myself only every other day, but it began to slip this past week. As I began to restrict the food a bit (ok...was really just 3 meals a day, 1 snack...was probably more than "a bit" but since I'm not tracking (thankfully) I don't know the full extent) and head back to the gym, I suddenly found myself on it 3 days in a row and berating myself because it wasn't going down.  When did that become the goal, I missed that? It's not the goal right now!  This is where I turned on me...I stared and focused on what I don't like, the number, and the thoughts.."why can't I at least fix this?!"

Friday night a friend asked me if I was taking myself out to dinner, I casually said "no" and glossed by it, but in my head I answered differently, "Ummm nooooo I'm not going out to eat, like I did anything this week to deserve that."

WoW ok..blast from the past.  Back to the old, i-have-to-kill-myself-in-the-gym-to-EARN-food mindset.  Nice.  Despite recognizing that thought as self-destructive, I continued with that line of thinking/behavior through most of the day Saturday.  I thought I had navigated through this stuff...ugh.  I'd probably still be stuck in my head there had it not been suggested I just shut down, disconnect (and reconnect with ME) and get away.

So I did.  I actually wrote this entry by hand from a beautiful boutique hotel in Vero Beach, FL called The Caribbean Court. I got there late afternoon yesterday, spent some time on the almost deserted beach across the street, then got all dressed up and went up to the piano bar for dinner and drinks.  It was a wonderful time, I sat at the bar and talked with folks as they came and went...where they're from, how they like it, chit chat.  I got back to my beautiful room around 9:30, put on a movie and promptly fell sound asleep. I could've slept better but I managed to stay in bed until 7.  I got some coffee and there I sat writing this entry by hand in amazingly soft and comfy linens, beautiful fresh air and the sound of the fountain outside...Breakfast came at 9am and I enjoyed that quite literally in bed, and at 10, my in-room massage guy came.

Deep breath are some pix of my room, the grounds, and the beach:

After the massage I checked out and spent some time exploring downtown Vero Beach, the little boutique shops and stuff.  I had lunch, and then headed for home.  Back to the grind, all the realities.

I don't know why I seem to fall backwards when things get crazy, but hopefully recognizing it (and truthfully I didn't see how disconnected I'd gotten from me, until I disconnected from everything else) is at least a small step in the right direction.

I DO know when I treat myself right I am more capable - emotionally and physically more capable - of dealing and doing.  Eat right, sleep right, stop when I need a break (rest), ask for help if I need it, and be kinder to myself.

Those are the only goals this week.  I still need to work on all those other things, but within the bounds of treating me right and staying in tune with what my body is telling me.