I haven't been treating myself very nicely this past week or so. I'm not sure why, when things get extra stressful, I sort of "turn" on myself, but I definitely have been.
The week wasn't really any different as far as the work situation goes, but maybe just the duration of the high stress is beginning to really wear me down. Between that and everything I've just been going non-stop. I have a client I train four days per week, and I'm probably picking up two more people this week. When I'm not doing that or planning for that, I'm working on web stuff for Bloom or helping a good friend with his. And if it's not that, I'm searching for jobs, writing cover letters, networking, etc (as if this is secondary!).
I'm spread too thin.
Christy once put it something like, "you have so many balls you're trying to keep up in the air and take care of, there's no time let for you. It's like you're giving yourself whatever is left over..." she wrote me a reminder note, "Don't take the leftovers." That session really resonated with me, and for a while I did a good job of reprioritizing.
This past week though, I think I've started back with the leftovers. Too little sleep, too little food, and a push for more more more drive. Part of it comes from not being able to get away from the job faast enough, so if I just apply more or get more clients or fix this or do that...work harder, somehow it'll happen that much faster. Well yeah *maybe* But there's probably a point of like...critical mass...say it with me folks...that point where more is not necessarily better. Right now all it's doing is making me want to withdraw. I'm feeling myself contract...hide in my little shell, I feel like I can't give anymore so I don't want myself OUT there...
Anyway...I did well for a while weighing myself only every other day, but it began to slip this past week. As I began to restrict the food a bit (ok...was really just 3 meals a day, 1 snack...was probably more than "a bit" but since I'm not tracking (thankfully) I don't know the full extent) and head back to the gym, I suddenly found myself on it 3 days in a row and berating myself because it wasn't going down. When did that become the goal, I missed that? It's not the goal right now! This is where I turned on me...I stared and focused on what I don't like, the number, and the thoughts.."why can't I at least fix this?!"
Friday night a friend asked me if I was taking myself out to dinner, I casually said "no" and glossed by it, but in my head I answered differently, "Ummm nooooo I'm not going out to eat, like I did anything this week to deserve that."
WoW ok..blast from the past. Back to the old, i-have-to-kill-myself-in-the-gym-to-EARN-food mindset. Nice. Despite recognizing that thought as self-destructive, I continued with that line of thinking/behavior through most of the day Saturday. I thought I had navigated through this stuff...ugh. I'd probably still be stuck in my head there had it not been suggested I just shut down, disconnect (and reconnect with ME) and get away.
So I did. I actually wrote this entry by hand from a beautiful boutique hotel in Vero Beach, FL called The Caribbean Court. I got there late afternoon yesterday, spent some time on the almost deserted beach across the street, then got all dressed up and went up to the piano bar for dinner and drinks. It was a wonderful time, I sat at the bar and talked with folks as they came and went...where they're from, how they like it, chit chat. I got back to my beautiful room around 9:30, put on a movie and promptly fell sound asleep. I could've slept better but I managed to stay in bed until 7. I got some coffee and there I sat writing this entry by hand in amazingly soft and comfy linens, beautiful fresh air and the sound of the fountain outside...Breakfast came at 9am and I enjoyed that quite literally in bed, and at 10, my in-room massage guy came.
Deep breath ahhhhhh.....here are some pix of my room, the grounds, and the beach:
After the massage I checked out and spent some time exploring downtown Vero Beach, the little boutique shops and stuff. I had lunch, and then headed for home. Back to the grind, all the realities.
I don't know why I seem to fall backwards when things get crazy, but hopefully recognizing it (and truthfully I didn't see how disconnected I'd gotten from me, until I disconnected from everything else) is at least a small step in the right direction.
I DO know when I treat myself right I am more capable - emotionally and physically more capable - of dealing and doing. Eat right, sleep right, stop when I need a break (rest), ask for help if I need it, and be kinder to myself.
Those are the only goals this week. I still need to work on all those other things, but within the bounds of treating me right and staying in tune with what my body is telling me.