I started a thread on eDiets a while back...I guess it was a little after I started openly talking about some of my eating/work out behavior here. Hah...I just checked, it was a full on 5 months after that (and even 4 months of dealing with it privately until I posted it here)! I was afraid of being fully "out" with it, and putting it out there, even though it's a closed community, felt like more full disclosure than putting it up here, I guess.
ANYWAY, when i started that thread to openly share some of this stuff within that community, I called it "Living Weightless." The reason I chose it was because I want to be weightless in my mind...I don't want every single day in and day out to be about my weight...I was very heavy and weighed down emotionally (and physically) by my weight, and now I've lost it but I'm still here tremendously weighed down by this stuff in my head...so I decided that it was fitting as I shared my path to finally living without that burden.
The past few weeks I feel like I've taken what feel like some enormous steps in the "Living Weightless" direction. It's been actually a lot of small steps finally adding up to something that appears tangible. I *know* there have been changes all along, but it's a nice feeling to be able to look and see how the baby steps have actually accumulated.
So, on to those tangible steps...
The weekend before the meet I was 146.2 on Friday. That weekend, I ate out not just once but TWICE, and that included two drinks on Saturday night (woot, date night :) I was also on complete rest - the stress of work and the house and training had really taken a toll, and with only 10 days until the meet I decided the best course of action was some major rest. So no training that Thursday - Sunday, not even easy cardio. Nada.
If you know me, right now you're reading that and you might just be in as much amazement as I was ;) But all of it *felt* right. I had no fear, no panicky moments...no guilt.
That Sunday, I woke up (period started too!) and I was 148.6. So let's just recap - 4 days total rest, 2 meals out, drinking, AND period, and I was up just about 2.5lbs?
I got on that scale FULLY expecting the worst and I realized very calmly, very peacefully, "Oh...I'm doing ok, I can do this."
I also realized -
Tracking/Logging food had been out of my life since Thanksgiving
Precise and neurotic weighing & measuring had been gone since a little after that, early December?
And the scale, the scale was the ONE thing I was still hanging on to.
That week wasn't the BEST week for me to decide I was ready to give up the scale. Because of the meet and because I was on the cusp of the weight class, I did need to monitor carefully. I did stay off it again until Wednesday, a HUGE victory in and of itself...it was in fact, the first time (other than being WITHOUT a scale altogether) I'd stayed off of the scale for more than one day in probably close to 10+ years.
Friday before the meet, I think I mentioned there were some weigh-in shenanigans. EVEN then, I stayed relatively calm when I didn't make weight and had to make a visit to the sauna to make it happen.
I ate WELL on Friday, I didn't feel guilty, I didn't worry about what it would do to my weight - I ate to fuel myself for the meet. Saturday I didn't do as well as in the past, but it was not out of fear or guilt, it really was just difficult for me to put anything into my tummy.
Sunday and Monday - I ate for recovery. Nothing crazy, but certainly not following the "norm" for me.
I stayed off the scale from the Friday before the meet until Tuesday of this week. Monday morning I actually picked it up and put it in the closet. Tuesday I took it out, saw the reading, and put it back. Stayed put away on Wednesday. Yesterday, another brief appearance and then back to the closet.
I thought last week when I realized I was going to be able to start letting go of the scale that I'd be better than every other day. But that appears to be my comfort zone for now, and so for now it stands...until whenever it changes. It takes what it takes...I tried this in August and I managed one day off the scale. One, and it instilled *total panic* back then. Today, it's peace.
For now, post meet - I'm taking a little time off. I initially said I was definitely taking some period of time off, but with the euphoria of the meet, that decision feels harder. I do know that I need SOME time, and I've respected that this week and I know I will through at least next week too. I'm still *tired* - deeply tired - so I've been kind to this body this week - I stayed out of the gym for the week and I got a massage last night. Wednesday was the first day I tried ANYTHING, and I stuck to the 20 minute beginner workout on Bob Harper's Pure Strength DVD. Today I worked out alongside my new client and tomorrow I'm pondering a walk along the beach after my appointment with Christie.
I'm excited to share all of this with her...she's been huge in helping me through this. Along with peeps following along here, and of course on eDiets.
We all know I'm not happy with how my body feels where I am, but I am happy with how I'm learning to live again, and love what I do have. I love my strength, and I do love my overall health. I love that I'm learning to have some respect, and appreciate my full journey. It's hard, and as I've said sooooo many times before - I know there will still be times when I falter or may "backslide" a little...but this is substantial to me, I'm on a new path and it actually feels right instead of forced, and as always - progress, not perfection :)
Maybe, almost weightless :)