Pull up a chair, folks! This is er..long.
So here's the thing...whenever you hear that line in a movie, everyone KNOWS there's a problem long before the alarm sounds and the famous line is delivered. It's BEEN a problem for the past 45 minutes of the movie, and everyone has just been working their hardest to either a) ignore it, or b) quickly fix it before EVERYONE finds out or it gets worse.
So the fact that I'm here about to what amounts to feeling like I'm OUTING myself is sort of like that point in the movie. It's not that I haven't known, it's not that even my friends and probably my family haven't known...it's that no one really is ready to deal with it at full capacity (spend lots of money, bring in the experts, work through the difficulties etc) until it's all official, and the alarm starts ringing.
The wheels REALLY started churning on this one back in March when I met a GF up in NYC for a few days that I was there for a photoshoot for the June Good Housekeeping magazine. She called me out on it, gently at first, and then subtlety went out the window a few weeks later and she laid it on me straight. I got angry and defensive - seriously how could she call me out on my eating behavior when I'm trying to live out of a hotel room for three days in a city KNOWN for the ridiculous food all centered around a photo shoot for a National magazine (about how weight loss changed my life, no less)?! I mean, right?!
We worked it out, mostly because I think I was still in denial, and she knew I wasn't ready yet. I was still in the first 45 minutes of the movie, trying to cover it up and fix it myself before anyone noticed.
Anyway - it was on my mind. My eating. My meticulous eating habits...only getting more and more meticulous and restricted - from food choices to total calories, slowly disappearing carbohydrates...little by little I was eating (hah) away at what I was "allowed" to eat.
And training for powerlifting. Makes sense right?
While most people who follow a nutrition plan are trying to find ways to sneak foods IN, I'm trying to find ways to sneak foods/calories (carbs in particular) OUT. I've been killing myself in the gym, exhausted, not sleeping, having ridiculous hormonal issues, living in brain fog, migraines...
A few weeks back, I had THE moment. It was the moment where my inner alarm sounded, and I guess I was ready. I had a first date set up with a guy. He suggested we meet at Mellow Mushroom, but offered to let me choose anywhere I wanted if I wanted to choose something "healthier." I convinced myself I could do this...I talked myself through it and replied that I'd be happy to meet him there, afterall, i can have one piece of pizza..I can do this! (i left all that out of the email, hahah..."and she talks to herself in email to boot!") That Friday I happened to get home from work about an hour earlier than usual and had about 4 hours to kill before meeting this guy.
I sat there for the entire four hours GLUED to my kitchen chair. I would not move, I knew if I got up, I was going to the gym. For four hours I sat there and had this argument with myself...
Crazy voice: Go to the gym
Sane voice: Err...you had a FABULOUS workout this morning, no need, thanks for askin!
Crazy voice: GO to the gym fatass, you're going to have pizza? You think you can just have pizza like anyone else?
Sane voice: Yes, I can have a slice of pizza once in a while, I'm allowed.
Crazy voice: YOU can't have pizza. YOU'RE different! If YOU have pizza you'll blow up like a balloon and gain 13 pounds instantly overnight.
CV: YES GO!
And on it went. I sat there and continued to have that argument with myself in full on tears while I typed out the email to a friend that said "I need help."
I can't fight this anymore, at least, not on my own. I can't live with this fear, and I can't continue to have this conversation, or some form of this conversation - daily. Multiple times. I'm always trying to cheat my body out of the nutrients it needs to function at it's best, to fully recover from the hell I put it through, to function properly (see raging hormones, migraines, exhaustion, etc). Let's not even talk about what it does in my head, the names I call myself, and the fear it breeds in me.
There's so much to say about that fear, but I think that needs to be for another day. This is a lot, it's a lot more than just the TOE I was thinking about testing the waters with. I'm putting some faith and trust out there, that I won't be judged as vain or notverysmart..this is something that is wrong inside me that I need help fixing. I KNOW better than all of this behavior, I know "right" and "wrong" here, it's the action part that I need work on.
I'm at the opposite end of the spectrum from where i started...maybe this time I can find the happy medium.
I took the steps that day to get help from a professional and through a good friend here in SoFL, I found someone wonderful to help. I just may need some extra support the days the urge to do the WRONG thing is a little more overwhelming than others, and the days I want to curl up in a little ball and cry at all that I've failed at because of this. There's a lot of that rollin' around up in this head of mine. It's all there, it's an ugly mess, one that I don't know how I got into - but I'm going to come out stronger for this.
A very dear and trusted friend sent me this message: “It is by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life. Where you stumble, there lies your treasure.” - Joseph Campbell
Well I'm down in there, but I'm coming up, and I'm coming up with my treasure...true happiness.
Push "publish" ....