I thought I'd try to just talk this through rather than playing the battle out over and over and over in my head. It's wearing me down and it hurts, and I don't want it IN me anymore. I don't think there are answers "out there" for me today, I just am here trying to express these feelings so they don't keep me all knotted and feeling afraid and paralyzed :(
Rest days are *hard* for me, the day after a rest day is just as difficult. That's why I've been declaring them outloud recently...if I SAY it and make it known, maybe I will keep my word better than if I don't.
When I saw Christie (my nutritional counselor), she gave me some "homework" until our next session. One of the things she asked me to do was NOT drop my calories on days that I'm taking off from working out. Rest days, by the way for those of you NOT in my head (all of you), also include days when I only do cardio. So if I'm supposed to be eating 1750-1800 cals/day on days that I train and do cardio, then on days when I do NOTHING and days when I just do cardio, I need to eat 1750-1800 calories. I had been dropping as low as 1200 and if I did really well maybe 1400. It was my way of compromising..."ok FINE body, I recognize you need a break from being beat to shit on a daily basis, so I will not work you out today, but you certainly haven't EARNED 1800 calories, so don't expect it."
Yesterday was a rest day - full on rest, no cardio, nothing. Hence the challenge began. With each meal, I fought the desire to change something so that I would eat less, or perhaps skip that meal entirely. As the day went on and I was on track to be "successful" in keeping my calories where they needed to be to meet that 1750-1800 calorie goal, the converse thoughts started coming in..."ok I see you're eating like a hog today even though you've done nothing but sit on your ass, perhaps a quickie 30 minutes on the elliptical will make you feel better?" Always nice at first. NO NO NO!
Fine, ok. I DID it. I ate RIGHT. I did NOT do any cardio. I did some rolling on my foam roller and some stretching just to keep limber and from tightening up, but that's it.
Fast forward this morning. Morning ritual: pee, get naked, get on scale. Get off scale, get back on scale. *Hate* scale. Repeat at least 3 times just to make sure that is what it really says. Please don't tell me to not weigh myself everyday, I KNOW this. I can't, not yet. Scale shows me up a pound. Last night before I went to bed I talked myself through this scenario. I told myself "now, listen. You KNOW you're going to be UP in the morning. This happens to EVERYONE, it's normal, it's ok, it. is. o. k."
So I'm up 1.2 pounds to be exact and immediately it all washed over me. Guilt and anger and hatred of my body and my behavior and the "SEEEEE, I told you you should have done SOMETHING yesterday! YOUUU can't take a day off, are you really *surprised* by this? YOU did this! You better not even THINK about another day off because then tomorrow you'll just see ANOTHER pound and then things will be totally out of control and then where will we be?" I always feel so betrayed by my body.
So off to the gym I went...not that it was a planned day off, but I went and I kicked my ass, and then I kicked it some more on the elliptical. While on the elliptical the panic started to set in. What I face the next 3 weeks...what to do? I can't live like this with this battle in my head for the next 3 weeks...serious panic. I reacted by upping the intensity, and crying. Nice. Well it keeps people from using the machines next to me anyway..crazy lady on the elliptical. Thank god for sweat towels.
My mind was going crazy, it still is (that's why I'm here writing :( )
This is pre-meet week! I've GOT to rest. Maybe some cardio and a light full body w/o on Tuesday, but the rest of the week...rest. and I know I can't drop cals going into the meet, I can't afford that. And round and round we went arguing "but you'll be so fat! or you won't be strong!" Fat or strong, fat or strong, FAT OR STRONG?
And then, then we have post-meet. I already know this, I HAVE to eat to recover. It's killer on my body, I was *wasted* after the RUM in January...totally fried from head to toe. The way out? Food. Rest. Recovery. But that puts me into another week of doing nothing. And eating. Hear this - Food, right now I HATE you. Another week or at least a few days of *gaining* One day = one pound, where does it stop?! And what comes after that? I fly to out to Oregon for a work *thing* ... I can't be at that, I can't be IN that like that, my clothes won't fit, etc etc..."you'll be so fat! or you won't be recovered!" Fat or recovered, fat or *functional* which will it be?!
So, welcome to my head for the past 5 hours, this is my panic. This is really and truly me on a regular basis. This is why I need some help. This is why I feel so *ashamed* because I can't turn these thoughts off. Right now, now that I've put it OUT, I know what I need most is distraction, so that I get out of this circle, LET GO and try to live like a normal person for a little while. Right now I'm THANKFUL that I have a ton of work to get to, because hopefully it will pull my mind out of this. I have a massage scheduled for this afternoon, maybe it will help me relax, let go..unclench my jaw. Right now I cant WAIT until my next appointment with Christie. It's on Tuesday. It can't come soon enough.
She said I don't have to BELIEVE it will get better right away, she said I just have to DO for a while, to practice. RIght now I have no belief, but I am trying my best to practice what I have to do. I am trying to just trust that I did the right thing yesterday, and that I will DO the right things these next few weeks, that my body will respond appropriately when I do the right things for it. I don't believe it, but I have to trust here...I am afraid.
I think this part right here, I think this can be likened a lot to the process I went through to lose the weight to begin with. I knew the right things, but there was no trust or belief that doing the right things would lead me to the results I desired. But they did...eventually. With practice. With a lot of fuck-ups, a lot of tears, and a TON of help along the way. Maybe all those hard lessons learned in that process will help me here. I know one thing that I learned was to ASK FOR HELP and not to withdraw when things were hard. I had people who believed FOR me while I could not...I know I have that support again now. I'm trying to trust in that, and take comfort in that.
I'm not sure this has made it any better.