Despite all my best efforts to get down and stay at 136, I got there for about 47 seconds and promptly worked my way steadily back up to...141. Seriously, I thought, WTFF (yes there's an extra F!)?!
I maintained relative composure, tried to think through some things rationally. TOM was probably definitely a factor, the clean cheat meal I cooked for myself last weekend. Cheeseburger, sweet potato fries, and chocolate/pb dessert concoction from Hungry Girl that was less than 200 calories (but mmmm yummy). Very clean and hardly an overboard cheat meal, especially considering the last I'd had was in late March.
Sure sure those things played a role, but then it didn't go away. Typical Cathy, never has a cheat meal even when it's really needed because this ALWAYS happens. Gain 3 pounds and it takes 3 weeks to make them go away again. I feel punished by my body, so instead of feeling badly about it, I just don't do it. It's a cycle..and one I'm apparently reinforcing unintentionally.
I talked with RC and wondered outloud if the INfrequency of refeeding with a cheat meal is actually making this cycle worse. Meaning the longer I hold out between these meals, the worse the retention gets, the longer I hold out for the next one, the worse it gets again, and so on.
He said, surprise...yes!
Once again I heard that I'm still thinking like I'm on a diet, and not feeding myself properly for this training. I KNOW this, but this is all I've known for 10 years now...10 years I've been eating like this, I don't know *how* to eat differently.
A few things we discussed, that I'm implenting on my own this week to see how I do (since it's an off week), and then we'll regroup and see what needs to be done to successfully bring it to training weeks.
- don't get all fat from the same source, vary the type. even if it's healthy fat, apparently it's no good to all come from the same source.
- spread it out (the fat) more throughout the day. I was getting mine in sort of 2 big chunks.
- go easy on the wheat/gluten. I'm trying to find some alternative carb sources that are still quick and easy. Not as easy as it sounds.
- ease off some of the powder. it's convenient yes, and I've got a hectic on-the-go lifestyle and it's HARD to prep everything every single day, so powder has been an easy go-to for a long time. But looking for more solid, real food sources of protein. Trying to remove one powder serving/day.
- vary the macros. This is where I will need some help. i'm running with it on my own this week, but will definitely need some help when training picks back up. We may go to a carb cycle, or we may go to a regular cheat meal (which with time, will theoretically train my body to let go a little more quickly than it does now).
I am really frustrated with myself, for still not getting this. But I do keep forgetting (and relearning) that the goal is now for training and strength. It's going to continue to take some time. I need RC's help in this, particularly because I'm so close in to the meet (I don't have time to be f'ing up and messing with my recovery and ability to train this close) and because we have another commercial shoot coming up for work, either the week before (ugh *excellent* timing right?) or maybe even the week after (is that better? hardly!) the meet. If I'm going to be "camera ready" i've got to maintain..just 3 pounds makes such a huge difference visually on me.
So while I really want to learn this, figure it out and move through it on my own, with all the struggles and frustrations that come with it, I don't have that luxury right now. So once again I need to extend the major major thanks and gratefulness to RC for extending his hand in help.
I will do this, I will be strong, I will not let my emotions get the better of me. Smart and sensible is the best way to go with training and nutrition.
Today - 139.0
Goal is to compete at 136-137
Commercial shoot at 135 or less.
Either way this works out, I'm doing my best. I need to learn how to separate myself and look at me from the "normal" perspective, and the work perspective..but I've yet to figure that one out. My friend T has though, and in that regard she is my role model.