Sunday, August 15, 2010

Everything I Eat Turns to Health, Beauty, and Love

Last week Christie asked me to start trying to say some affirmations when it was time to eat. She said I don't have to believe them, just say them out loud. She gave me a list of some to choose from, wanting me to find one I really felt and connected with. I did use them, but none of them felt good to me. Yesterday searching the web I found this one, "Everything I eat turns to health, beauty and love." For whatever reason, that one made the connection, so I'm claiming it as my own. And I think I'd like to modify it to include "strength..."

Everything I eat turns to health, beauty, strength, and love.

I don't believe it, and as a matter of fact as I say it outloud, the little voice inside my head continues on with "actually, it turns to fat and hate." But I've been saying it anyway, and trying to set the voice to the side.

The truth is I am completely out of control and I don't know why. I'm really warring with myself and I don't know how to stop it. I can't "let go" when every day the weight goes up up up. Here it is ready? Today I was 147.2 pounds. I was 138 when I came home from the commercial shoot at the beginning of July. What IS this? Everything I eat DOES turn to fat, excess unused energy getting stored away? Am I doing anything differently than I was before my last meet, after my last meet? training is a little different but WHAT THE FUCK, am I allowed to say that? WHAT THE FUCK, I feel punished. Not working hard enough? What is wrong with me? I mean seriously am I eating in my sleep? Yeah I'm ANGRY, I feel betrayed, I feel like all this is doing is reinforcing WHY I CAN'T LET GO, ever. And what makes is worse is that I haven't actually let go. I'm NOT going out to eat, I'm NOT eating crap, I'm NOT eating more or less than I should be (well apparently I am) ...

I sent Christie an email this morning, I feel desperately out of control. I can't let this keep going, I can't let it get any worse. I just asked her to please help me stop this, if we could get together sooner than next Saturday and review what I need to be eating.

So far today, I don't know what the "right thing" is, everything inside of me says STOP EATING but everything I know says KEEP EATING and I'm so tired of it. I am "just eating," saying my little affirmation in tears and just DOING it. I'm not really sure that's particularly the "right way" either.

I did overkill the workout this morning, probably. I used my new jump rope for about 15 minutes, ran for 35, jump roped another 5, and then did my new Rodney Yee "Yoga Burn" DVD that was 55 minutes. The Yoga DVD helped calm me down some...

Friday's workout was bench/squat/bench. It took a full 2 hours so once again I did not have time to fit my cardio in at the end. I was definitely fatigued and it was a real push to get through the workout. Despite that, even after all that benching, I was able to increase the weight from 35 to 40lb dumbbells for the finishing sets (4 sets of 8) of incline db presses. That was a HUGE score. I'll work on pausing those now.

Tomorrow I've got squat/bench/squat on tap.

For the rest of today I am going to focus on NOT panicking and on my newly adopted affirmation, whether I believe it or not. And I am reminding myself of why this journey started...

“It is by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life. Where you stumble, there lies your treasure.” - Joseph Campbell

Well I'm STILL down in there, but I'm coming up, and I'm coming up with my treasure...true happiness.

Everything I eat turns to health, beauty, strength, and love.


  1. (((Cooth)))

    The scale measures your weight, not your worth.
    The scale measures your weight, not whether you are "fat."
    The scale measures your weight, not whether you are eating "too much."
    The scale measures your weight, not whether you are not working out "enough."

    When you are a "normal" person on a diet, the scale can provide useful information on whether you are eating too much or not working out enough, but the scale lies even then. You KNOW this. You have explained this to others.

    When you are a person with an eating disorder who has deprived their body of nourishment while pushing it through rigourous workouts day after day, week after week, month after month, the scale just does not provide useful informaton on whether what you are doing now (eating more? working out less? resting more?)is taking you on the right path, out of the abyss. Its like monitoring your glucose readings when your problem is high blood pressure.

    Wow - a topic from church today just sprang to mind. Have you ever walked a labyrinth? It looks like a "maze" but there are no wrong turns, just a single path that takes a winding course from a starting point outside in to a middle point and then out again. Many churches have outside public labyrinths for people to walk while praying, meditating, or just enjoying the process. We have one marked out in blue masking tape in the back of our church (yes, we are a "low" church"!). There is one in a park by the river near my office.

    Anyway, one thing that we talked about today is how the labyrinth path - that will take you to the center goal if you keep following it - takes you on a path that starts out toward the center, but then turns and takes you away from the center. If the labyrinth is large enough, or if you don't know what it is, you may not be sure that you are on the right path. But you are, you just have to keep going - whether you have faith, whether you trust, or not, the path will lead you if you just keep going.

    So, keep going. Ignore the "wrong turn" signs the scale is throwing at you. It is lying. It is deceiving you, trying to get you to turn back. But the only way "out" is to keep going forward.


    ~ Coco

  2. {{{Cooth}}} Coco's analogy is perfect!!

    I had mantras and affirmations that I used say and not believe, but I eventually started believing them.

    And let me also say this: I really believe that the intention with which we eat makes all the difference in the world. If, when you eat, you're full of loathing for yourself and the food you're eating, you might as well be eating poison, even if it's the healthiest food around. I also believe that if you're eating ice cream, or a cookie, or cheese, or whatever food you want to "demonize"...if you're eating it with love for yourself in your heart, if you're savoring and enjoying every morsel with gusto, then you're nourishing your body and soul. (and I don't mean bingeing)

    I know it sounds like voodoo or something, but I don't think it's the food that's causing weight's the intention and emotions around the food.

    So as Coco so wisely said, keep moving forward.

    It's funny, I used the same quote a couple of years ago when I wrote my first "why weight" essay, which eventually turned into my blog...