I gave in today, in a big way. I've knocked so far at least 300 calories out of my day and I did double workouts...once this morning at the gym, and just a little while ago I completed Ultimate Victory workout on my Boot Camp DVD. Physically it feels good. I feel like I did "enough" and now everything will be ok. Emotionally it feels good too...like "ahhh ok we're back in control now...we can fix this." Intellectually - I know I've given in and I know that at least on paper, it's not in my best interest.
I've been fighting this all week, really feeling completely out of control. My weight has been making me feel like I've completely lost control when it's been up for no reason that I can identify and feeling so FAT. And TRYING to be ok with it, TRYING to at last fake it through by writing those little notes and sending them back to myself, staying off the scale (even if only twice)... but it's soooo hard when I feel so uncomfortable in my skin...with my clothes being tight and feeling self-conscious like EVERYONE can see it, my weight belt...blah blah. Maybe it was work and the bank stress just pushed me over...maybe I just needed the fix :(
I know I have a problem, and my comfort is restricting. Or working out too much. Or both. Just like anyone else who eats emotionally, or drinks or uses drugs. I see that now. Christie told me today (yup, I saw her TODAY and still here I am..) that if I *did* give in, that I would probably try to convince myself that I didn't care...and I am doing just that, it feels honestly so good that I want to say I quit, I don't wanna do this anymore. That's supposed to be bad right? But it feels *good* I know how twisted that must sound. The voice is trying to soothe me too..."it's going to be ok, when we get this extra weight off it will be ok." And I know that's not true but jeez wouldn't it just be a little easier? This is so-freaking-hard. I thought I battled with myself before but this week has been so much...I'm so tired.
Feeling pretty much like a huge disaster right about now, completely in pieces and I know it was my choices today that got me here. Christie recommended today that I add a regular counselor in to my treatment, and she gave me 4 or 5 names to look into.
I don't know what this is, confession session? I just needed to get it out...there's not a lot to say I guess.