I'm not feeling ME - I'm going through motions because I've been told to because it's "the right thing" for me to do. I've been 100% on board with the "fake it till you make it" train and I don't feel closer to believing that I can DO this.
I'm feeling completely out of control, I want to give in and get that control back. I haven't logged food in weeks, I'm eating the "required" added cheese, apple, and milk, but I don't want to - I'm doing it because I'm supposed to. I physically feel enormous, I want it to go, I want to cut my calories but I'm not because I'm not supposed to. I didn't weigh today, yes it was a choice, but it wasn't a choice I wanted for myself - I did it because I'm supposed to try.
The weight, I can't explain it. I don't know the WHY behind it. No I'm not logging my food, but I know approximately where I am (calories consumed, rough ratios) and I know what I'm doing for workouts and yet here I am clearly gaining. *SEVEN* pounds in one month?! Are you kidding me? How can I trust this?! My clothes are tight, I feel bloated, I feel LOST.
I've been posting OperationBeautiful.Com post it notes all week, they feel really good to leave, to hopefully bring a smile to someone else. But I don't believe them for me.
I feel shame, and anger and fear. I'm ashamed of myself for feeling this way, I'm ANGRY at something but I haven't figured out what...and well we know what the great fear is. And it's here.
I know that I want to be loved unconditionally and separate from my body, but I'm apparently unwilling to do that for myself. But I don't know how when I'm *so uncomfortable* in it...when my clothes are tight or pull or plain don't fit. When my belly gets bloated and pushes out and rubs the inside of my shirt. When my weight belt won't fit on the notch it normally fits on. When my sexy red dress isn't sexy anymore.
When does this get easier? Is there really a "natural weight?" What if mine is really high? What if I really can't trust me? What if right now what feels good and safe and right is the the very thing that I asked for help to stop?
Saturday I see Christie, and right now I'm angry at me for feeling like I NEED that. Weak. Part of me (I think we know which part) wants me to keep on so I can prove that I can't do this...it goes something like, "See? I told you it wouldn't work, now let ME back in control and we'll fix it all up and make it better." I hear that voice, it's loud and clear. Right now I'm just going to keep on doing what I'm supposed to. I'm gonna sit here and feel all of this shit for what it is and just keep doing what I'm doing, because I'm supposed to.
This is hard.