Wednesday, August 4, 2010

It's not all Roses and Lollipops

I'm not feeling ME - I'm going through motions because I've been told to because it's "the right thing" for me to do. I've been 100% on board with the "fake it till you make it" train and I don't feel closer to believing that I can DO this.

I'm feeling completely out of control, I want to give in and get that control back. I haven't logged food in weeks, I'm eating the "required" added cheese, apple, and milk, but I don't want to - I'm doing it because I'm supposed to. I physically feel enormous, I want it to go, I want to cut my calories but I'm not because I'm not supposed to. I didn't weigh today, yes it was a choice, but it wasn't a choice I wanted for myself - I did it because I'm supposed to try.

The weight, I can't explain it. I don't know the WHY behind it. No I'm not logging my food, but I know approximately where I am (calories consumed, rough ratios) and I know what I'm doing for workouts and yet here I am clearly gaining. *SEVEN* pounds in one month?! Are you kidding me? How can I trust this?! My clothes are tight, I feel bloated, I feel LOST.

I've been posting OperationBeautiful.Com post it notes all week, they feel really good to leave, to hopefully bring a smile to someone else. But I don't believe them for me.

I feel shame, and anger and fear. I'm ashamed of myself for feeling this way, I'm ANGRY at something but I haven't figured out what...and well we know what the great fear is. And it's here.

I know that I want to be loved unconditionally and separate from my body, but I'm apparently unwilling to do that for myself. But I don't know how when I'm *so uncomfortable* in it...when my clothes are tight or pull or plain don't fit. When my belly gets bloated and pushes out and rubs the inside of my shirt. When my weight belt won't fit on the notch it normally fits on. When my sexy red dress isn't sexy anymore.

When does this get easier? Is there really a "natural weight?" What if mine is really high? What if I really can't trust me? What if right now what feels good and safe and right is the the very thing that I asked for help to stop?

Saturday I see Christie, and right now I'm angry at me for feeling like I NEED that. Weak. Part of me (I think we know which part) wants me to keep on so I can prove that I can't do goes something like, "See? I told you it wouldn't work, now let ME back in control and we'll fix it all up and make it better." I hear that voice, it's loud and clear. Right now I'm just going to keep on doing what I'm supposed to. I'm gonna sit here and feel all of this shit for what it is and just keep doing what I'm doing, because I'm supposed to.

This is hard.


  1. C, I'm so sorry you're feeling crappy. I know you don't want sympathy, you want a FIX, but this is all I can offer:

    Weight sucks. You've come a long way and you WILL find the fix, or at least the "better" way to handle things. Things WILL improve, you will lose the gained weight and be back where you want to be soon.

    AND.... honestly, I am ditching the one of the fruits and one of the dairy's. I'll cheat right along with you... :)


  2. (((hugs))) I wish I could be with you in person, to talk with you, laugh with you, cry with you. You knew this wouldn't be easy. You've been under the control of "unhealthy" for a long time and it's going to take strength and nail biting and teeth gritting and being pissed and being said and being scared and not caring and caring too much and eberything in between to get through. You are not alone, though. You have friends and family rooting for you, pulling for you, supporting you, wanting this for you because the alternative - giving up, giving in - really is not a long term option. (((hugs)). Coco

  3. Is it possible that with all the calorie cutting, you've been preventing yourself from building muscle? And now that you're getting the calories, you're adding weight because, with your lifting, you need more bulk? Or is this a far too elementary view? -KT

  4. Brooke thank you :)
    But you probably shouldn't follow my lead on cutting stuff out of your daily diet...and note that I'm not cutting it out, I'm just hatin' on leaving it in :)

    (((Coco))) thank you, I needed that last night. I know I'm not alone, and I do know that giving up/in isn't the long term answer, it's just a comfy solution, my comfort zone is restriction where others is emotional eating or binging.

    KT it's a totally valid idea in theory, and as much as I would love to point to that as the case, there's no way someone adds 7lbs (probably not even 1 or 2) in a month. And if it were muscle, my clothes wouldn't be so tight :( That said, realistically it'd be hard to put on 7lbs of pure fat too, so as I'm slightly calmer this morning it's easier to say in all liklihood it's a combination of some muscle, some fat, and hopefully a lot of water. I hope.

  5. No advice or trying to fix it from me...just a hug and squeeze and an I love you. YOU.