I gave in today, in a big way. I've knocked so far at least 300 calories out of my day and I did double workouts...once this morning at the gym, and just a little while ago I completed Ultimate Victory workout on my Boot Camp DVD. Physically it feels good. I feel like I did "enough" and now everything will be ok. Emotionally it feels good too...like "ahhh ok we're back in control now...we can fix this." Intellectually - I know I've given in and I know that at least on paper, it's not in my best interest.
I've been fighting this all week, really feeling completely out of control. My weight has been making me feel like I've completely lost control when it's been up for no reason that I can identify and feeling so FAT. And TRYING to be ok with it, TRYING to at last fake it through by writing those little notes and sending them back to myself, staying off the scale (even if only twice)... but it's soooo hard when I feel so uncomfortable in my skin...with my clothes being tight and feeling self-conscious like EVERYONE can see it, my weight belt...blah blah. Maybe it was work and the bank stress just pushed me over...maybe I just needed the fix :(
I know I have a problem, and my comfort is restricting. Or working out too much. Or both. Just like anyone else who eats emotionally, or drinks or uses drugs. I see that now. Christie told me today (yup, I saw her TODAY and still here I am..) that if I *did* give in, that I would probably try to convince myself that I didn't care...and I am doing just that, it feels honestly so good that I want to say I quit, I don't wanna do this anymore. That's supposed to be bad right? But it feels *good* I know how twisted that must sound. The voice is trying to soothe me too..."it's going to be ok, when we get this extra weight off it will be ok." And I know that's not true but jeez wouldn't it just be a little easier? This is so-freaking-hard. I thought I battled with myself before but this week has been so much...I'm so tired.
Feeling pretty much like a huge disaster right about now, completely in pieces and I know it was my choices today that got me here. Christie recommended today that I add a regular counselor in to my treatment, and she gave me 4 or 5 names to look into.
I don't know what this is, confession session? I just needed to get it out...there's not a lot to say I guess.
No one said it would be a linear progression. In fact, it almost can't be. That's the beauty part of all this. And I guess just like I needed to constantly tell myself that I was okay, even if I was "permitting," you need to remember that you're okay right this very minute too, as a "restrictor." It's okay to accept that part of who you are. The healing lies in the acceptance.
ReplyDeleteThanks Karen, that feels really good to hear. I am ok...right now I just am here "just being." I might not be whole right now - I'm well aware of that - but everyone inside is quiet. Which is...well, it just IS. And for the moment, I'm actually enjoying it.
ReplyDeleteTomorrow is a new day.
Two comments, from different angles.
ReplyDeleteFirst, I realized recently that since I have been able to stop demoninzing stress-eating, it has less power. Its not as appealing a coping strategy, and when I do find myself turning to food for stress reasons it doesn't send me spiraling into the abyss of self-loathing because I ate an extra freaking cookie (or six). Its harder for me to say that its "OK" for you to restrict as a coping mechanism because it is affecting your health in a big way (sleep, menstruation, etc.), but as long as you don't give up/give in altogether, and as long as you are getting professional help, I won't worry too much.
Second, have you considered that your recent weight gain may not be a result of your new healthy approach, but rather is a side-effect of your restricting? You have starved yourself for so long that your body is freaking out. When you give it a few more calories it does what it has evolved to do best - save some for the next famine to prolong survival. If you can ride it out, give your body a chance to adjust, to reset (to physically trust you to give it what it needs), your weight will stabilize - and go down again - without restricting calories or over-exercising. I'm not an expert on this, but you know as well as I do that there are many people on eDiets who had to eat more and go through a spike on the scale before they reached their goal weight.
I really appreciate your honesty here. This is SO HARD. Now that you've "outed" yourself you have to know that your friends are not going to let you go back. Like Karen said, its not going to be a linear process, there will be two steps forward, and one step back, but we will keep pushing you and pulling you along and helping you get back on your feet, even if its just by saying, its OK. Tomorrow is another day. ~ Coco
I know you're not much into prayer, etc., but I really like this prayer from the New Zealand Book of Common Prayer (Anglican)
ReplyDeleteLord,
it is night.
The night is for stillness.
Let us be still in the presence of God.
It is night after a long day.
What has been done has been done;
what has not been done has not been done;
let it be.
The night is dark;
Let our fears of the darkness of the world and our own lives rest in you.
The night is quiet.
Let the quietness of your peace enfold us,
all dear to us,
and all who have no peace.
The night heralds the dawn.
Let us look expectantly to a new day,
new joys,
new possibilities.
~Coco
Coco..your thoughts and care and prayers are so welcomed and appreciated, I can't even express my thanks enough.
ReplyDeleteI'm not giving up completely, it was a temporary detour off of the path, I'm back at it today. I'm hating it, and eating today has been accompanied by varied emotions, a lot of tears, etc but i am pushing through..
It's so hard to trust my body, I feel like I've given it so much time and attention the past few weeks, trying to hear it and care for it and appreciate it, and despite my best efforts of care...it honestly feels like it's betraying me with this. I'll try again, but there's got to be a point where it stops, there just has to be.
The prayer you've shared is beautiful and I'm going to copy and paste it onto my fridge. When I'm alone and it's quiet (usually at night, but definitely weekends too), sometimes that's when the thoughts are the worst, they are the most difficult times - but having this there will hopefully help to recenter, and bring a sense of calm back if I feel like I'm starting to reel.
Thank you *hugs*
Your post yesterday didn't sound like you were giving up, and I'm glad you are trying to make healthy choices again today. I'm also really glad that my post was helpful - I never know when I am going "too far," but I think you know that all of my comments come from the very best of intentions.
ReplyDeleteYou mention the past few weeks that you've been working hard on this, but you have to consider how long you were restricting - was it months? years? Just like you can't lose weight that you put on over the years in a few weeks, I don't think you can expect your body to recover at a physical/biological level so quickly. I know you're impatient - to be "better" and "thinner" again - but I don't want you quitting because it takes longer than you expect.
Anyway, I hope you get a mental break tonight and have some fun!
~ Coco