I woke up this morning and had a brilliant start to my day...I weighed less than a pound more than I did on Monday. I DID try to not get on the scale after eating out last night, but I promised myself I wouldn't react, I would simply observe. I was up less than a pound from the day before, which...not so bad. I always jump on rest days, and I did NADA yesterday, except lounge at the damn beach. And then there was my food.
So all in all, today I was proud of me for not REACTING to the scale.
At the gym, I did a short little circuit I made up on the fly:
3 sets of 20, no rest between exercises, 30 secs between sets:
20 burpees, chest to ground
20 box jumps (on reebok step, 7 risers plus step)
20 jumping jacks
20 squat to overhead press w/10lb med ball
40 (20/side) Vsit Twists @ 10lb med ball
20 situps @ 25lb plate
Then I did 20 minutes on the treadmill (turned off, alternating 5 minutes each direction).
Sweaty goodness :)
Got back into the office environment, and things got a lot harder. I found it hard to listen to my body, I couldn't focus on how I was feeling because I was distracted by well...*work* and I found familiar patterns surfacing.
"Well but what do I do if this? And what do I do if that?" I instantly started searching for RULES...just tell me what to do! I found myself telling myself that if left to my own devices I won't eat...even yesterday in my big breakthrough, I felt confident in the choices I made only when there was no denying I was hungry...when the tummy could be heard 3 towns away. That's well past the point I should be eating, and if I waited until I got to that point for every meal I'd probably eat 2 meals...well that's what my friend "brain" was telling me. Still...there's no denying I did find it hard to determine hunger at my desk.
** Not going for perfection
** No such thing as "perfect eating" so
** By what standard am I judging myself?
Oh, why it's the crazy standard, obviously. Alrighty then...
A few times I realized I'd left myself, and I focused and took a few deep breaths and returned.
I also started spinning on "but what about when I return to training, isn't that *different*? Won't there be rules THEN? Certainly I'll have to get the right ratios/calories.." yadda yadda obsessionobsessonobsession. But there will be right? But...
I'm home now, and trying to stay front and center. New tapes are starting to play and trying to plant doubt.."what if you can't get back to lifting like you were, you'll certainly have to change the way you eat then..." And some doubts about my ability to just "stay" at my natural weight well...naturally. I'm afraid. All of the reaction I pushed off this morning while standing on that scale. is starting to feel like a vast, heavy blanket. They're stealthy though, they're not coming right out and saying it, but I hear things like, "well sure ok those few pounds they're PROBABLY because your period is late and you're retaining water." What that actually sounds like is "uh-huh, sure. yup, sure yeaaahhh it's *totally* the period thing..go ahead, believe all that hoo-ha and eat what you want and see what happens"
Yeah so in that semi-related news, I spoke with my Dr about my hormonal issue to see who she would recommend the type of specialist I see (Endocrinologist vs. Gynecologist) and she said Gyno. I'm still on the fence, but maybe it's the right way to start. I haven't had a period since the last one ended June 3...7 weeks. Always somethin...
I'm home tonight, fighting the good fight :)