I woke up this morning feeling good...I declared, "Today holds such promise...I fully intend to take advantage of all of it."
I was off to see Christie at 8am this morning. Last night I sat down and tried to outline how this past week unfolded, all of the big moments and uncertainties...there was so much to cover and I knew I only had 30 minutes,didn't want to skip anything.
I just got right into it with her...as I told her the story about how I discovered my fragmented self, I started to cry. I told her more about how I'd allowed myself to tear myself apart, but now that I see that so clearly I find it so much easier to put myself back together when I fear that fissure starting to tear or widen. I continued to cry through the pineapple story...at which point she just declared "YES!" and she jumped up and grabbed a tissue...she was so excited now SHE was crying! She told me she was really proud of me, and I felt proud of me too at that moment :)
I shared with her how I YEARNED for the rules when I got back to work, and started freaking at the thought of "no rules" for when I returned to training. She reinforced that the longer I stay connected to myself...the more I'm whole, the easier it will become to listen and hear the cues from my body, and the rules will be natural, not forced.
I told her I'm still terrified, she gave me permission for that to be ok...I needed to hear that I guess.
I told her about @sweating_it_off's new #30daynoscale challenge, and how I really wanted to do it, but it was giving me such anxiety. She agreed that the 30 days would be daunting..she asked me to name a smaller interval that would be more doable...I told her that I tell myself EVERY NIGHT before I go to bed that I'm not going to weigh in the morning, and EVERY SINGLE MORNING, I do it anyway.
She said to bring choice back into the equation by making it OK to weigh. She suggested instead of saying no/don't/not allowed in the evening, to instead each morning give myself permission to do it tomorrow. "I can weight myself tomorrow, today I am making the choice not to." I can do that. That doesn't make me shake with anxiety. She said in all things, to try to remember the three C's ...Consciousness, Choice, Control...that being conscious and making a choice is natural control, and not the other way around.
We also talked about my hormonal issues. My Dr suggested seeing the Gyn, but Christie thinks waiting another month or two for things to fall in line as my eating comes back together and gets better is the better option. She's hoping it fixes itself naturally, as I work on healing this other stuff.
It was an amazing session, I felt really strong and positive when I left. I AM strong, and working on the happy :)
Went to the gym after that to test out the knee...the plan was to work up to something reasonable and representative of my training plan and give it a try. I stuck to the plan for squats, and worked sets of 8 at 105, 125, and 135. Nice and deep, and the brace didn't interfere with getting to depth at all. Will still need to find some "sanctioned" braces. Will probably train/wear one on each knee. Unfortunately, I didn't stick to the plan so well with deads (they feel so good!) and went with triples, doubles and singles and pulled the last single at 300. Oops :)
Today's Squats (last set): 135 x 8 - The Comeback!
The good news is that the knee feels great! It felt stable, strong...I'll likely be stupid sore tomorrow (really stupid), but I'm confident that I can get back to training with Dave's program on Monday. I'll be repeating Week 1, and starting over :) So excited about that.
Tonight I've got a date, we're not meeting until 9:30PM so I'll be needing a nap for sure. I plan on it shortly...after my near max pulls (and honestly, today it felt like a max) I'm pretty pooped! I plan on feeling totally sexy and confident for this date, and totally present, and whole. Not sure what I'm wearing yet, but I'm going to feel good.
I'm taking advantage of all the promise today has to offer :)