I've finally caught back up on some sleep, getting back to normal here, feeling so much better :)
I've been thinking a lot about the words "deserve" and "earned." I've heard them a lot the past week or so, and each time they've made me pause and think, and the last few times I've heard them I got...not sure - irritated? I think in a good way...we learn over and over again not to use food as a reward, "if you do this, then you can eat that." That's a big no-no in the land of diet. It sets up that mindset of deserving an indulgence. These are also words that I've used AGAINST myself, I think i've written about that here. On rest days i dropped my calories because I hadn't "earned" the right to eat. Last week after the shoot, a few people mentioned I should go ahead and eat/drink because I deserved it for all my hard work. Because I earned it. I cringed inside. This week it's come up because of the holiday, and because of my birthday...."go ahead, go out, you've earned it, it's just once a year, it's your birthday!" That made me cringe too.
I haven't EARNED anything, and I certainly don't DESERVE, as if it's an expectation...to just go crazy and have whatever I want when I do a good job, stay strict for so long, workout extra hard, etc.
What I CAN do, is make a choice for myself. What I have earned, and what I do deserve, is the freedom to make a choice to let loose once in a while, a CHOICE to veer off plan and indulge a little from time to time if and when I want to. Not just "do it" as a result of something. There are of course exceptions, for instance after a meet - I do sort of NEED to take a little extra and be a little freer with my decisions for recovery purposes. But for the most part...all of this is a choice. The choice to live a healthy, balanced lifestyle. It's that balanced part I'm still struggling with :)
I've really got so much swirling around up in here surrounding this topic. I've been away for a while because I was in Portland, OR for work the past week. We flew out Monday and I got back late Thursday night. We were out there for the latest eDiets.com commercial shoot. We brought out some of our most brilliant shining stars for the occasion, with weight loss ranging from 12 to 94lbs, and incredible transformational stories that could move even the most stoic of characters...I felt so at home so far away - they, we are such a family...even the folks I was just meeting for the first time. They inspire me...they've overcome, made changes, grown and learned so much. It absolutely makes me want to be stronger and better - healthier...but this time not lose more, lift more, run more etc. I need to be stronger and better for myself..stronger than the fear and the self doubt. Strong enough to trust myself enough to overcome the fear, and make healthy, balanced choices.
That combined with some further thinking about the meet, and the depths I went to after I bombed out on bench press, and then still going ahead and successfully deadlifting. I know I didn't move the weight I had planned, but I still hit all 3 lifts, and a new PR, after the whole bench incident. I changed my thinking there, I stopped the crazy bullshit talk and I turned it around, I made the choice to get it together, and did it!
So. I can do this too. I can make CHOICES, to think one way or the other, and to behave in one way or another. I'm forgetting the notion of "deserving" and forgetting the notion of "earning." That way of thinking has not served me in the past...I simply make choices, listen to my body, and use good judgement.
A process, yes. I will stumble..this is new. But no different than when I started with weight loss. I fell off plan, I got back on. I hit plateaus, eventually made it through. This will be no different :) The current challenge is incorporating an apple and a string cheese into the daily plan. I started yesterday and have managed a half apple and string cheese...it's a step. There's fear, but I'm working it out.
The next challenge - I've got two dates lined up. One tomorrow night (yay birthday date!) and one Tuesday night. A test. I've already been stressing the birthday, with all the encouragement to "eat! you deserve it!" But I'm letting go of that, and we'll see how the day turns out. I have lots of choices ahead of me :)