Sunday, October 17, 2010

One Step (or maybe two!) Forward...

Not even sure when I last wrote, but I feel like it's been a solid 2 weeks.  And wow, hahah...I feel like so much has happened! I wish I could have kept up here.  I'll try to keep it mostly to summary form, but some big stuff is changing in this crazy head of mine...

Training Updates
Last week I had my last skills evaluation before the meet and it went really well.  Myles came over at 4:30 in the morning (he's nocturnal, LOL) and came along with me - it was awesome to have him there again.  Didn't have to try to give myself commands, got some great was really good.  I hit all my lifts (and didn't go beyond what I was supposed to do: squat x 185, bench x 116, deadlift x 300) and now the plotting begins for attempt selection at the meet (3 weeks from today)!  That will be another update...

My folks will be coming for that meet, and then here for the rest of the week.  Really looking forward to that visit too :)

Training (the other kind!) Updates
I got my first client with Bloom (which I'm even more behind in updating)!

Work/BodyImage/Eating Update #1
When I came home from ShopNBC I really felt like *phew* ok...I can DO this now.  I have this period of time when I don't have to feel the pressure of "spokesperson" and I can do for me, work on this eating/image thing.  I accepted that I needed a few new clothes because everything was too tight, and sitting in too tight clothes did nothing but remind me I wasn't where I wanted to be, and I couldn't focus on the things I needed.  I had just gotten comfortable with the idea of just trying to listen to me and eat accordingly, and then BAM - our (ex!) PR firm landed me/my story in Health Magazine for the January issue and they wanted a photoshoot ASAP.  It caused a lot of grief, and I went spiraling down into that abyss again when I had to go out for emergency clothing shopping.

Long story short, I had an awakening sort of moment...
Wednesday afternoon in Kim's office we were trying on all different combinations of outfits when she suddenly suggested I try the jeans she had on.  The little.tiny.skinny.jeans she had on.

And it was like this are these tiny little things on me, these things that fit HER?  My body cannot be in THESE pants.  But they were, I mean I couldn't deny it, and that was when I just thought how vastly different my image/perception/understanding of myself and my body and my SPACE are from reality.

Kim kind of beamed at me with a "See?!" look :)

I told Raphael about it later, still in shock.  "But I look at Kim and I see SUPER TINY..." and he said, "and she IS super tiny!"

My perception of my overall *space* is just...skewed.  A lot. I don't know how to bring them closer together, but until then I know I need to appreciate that my size/space/shape is not what it seems or feels to me.

(this is not so much a summary huh? ;)

Work/BodyImage/Eating Update #2
Friday late morning I started to feel *really low* Like head down on the desk exhausted.  I wasn't "hungry" in a way that I recognized..I was just super tired.  RC, smart man that he is :) says..."eat!"  Hah...ahhh so simple ;)  So I did.  I went out to starbucks, grabbed a tall coffee and a slice of very-berry coffee cake.  Got myself a comfy chair and reeeelaxxxed there for a spell.  WOW...what a difference that made.  I felt great after that!

When I first said I was  tired, that's all I was....tired, low energy.  I was definitely not feeling  "hungry" in my tummy.  But once I ate that little something extra, I got mad HUNGRY.  I would eat and be hungry again within an hour.  So I kept eating!  Later in the day I felt sort of strange...well, different.  My legs felt HAA-UUUGE and super hard/firm.  Not bad, just different! They were solid though, I could feel it IN them, and also hard to the touch...kinda crazy.

Anyway, the hunger continued, it did not let up.  At the end of the day yesterday I logged my food and I had consumed approximately 2300 cals, including almost 250g of  carbs.  I slept well, and when I woke up I just knew I was down...yup!  Down from 144.6 to  144.0!   Still hungry, but I feel fantastic :)  My legs were still "hard," although not quite like Friday.

I think this was a breakthrough for me in eating and listening.  Well it wasn't to start, since I still had to be "told" to eat...I missed some sort of cue there.  But once the ball got rolling...I went with it. 

Work/BodyImage/Eating Plan
I plan to continue with this again this week.  Last week was all about journaling the food at the end of the day, and observing.  No judging the numbers, just *observing* and just the facts.  Separate from the clothing incidents - I was *really* good about the journaling this week & keeping the emotion (and fear) out of it...I logged at the end of the day and observed how I felt the next and what changes there were if any.  So 2300 was what it was, and honestly I never at one point felt overstuffed and really just continued to feel better and better as the day went on, so it made it easier to just say is what it is!

Following this "plan" (as the extent of the plan is just logging at the end of the day), my weight went from a stupid high of 147.8 (Monday, after a day of accidentally undereating ~1100 cals) to a recent low of 143.4 today.  I've also "listened" more and laid off the beatings workouts a bit when I was feeling really tired and needed to rest.

Observation continues...I think this is all forward progress, and I feel good :)

1 comment:

  1. I'm glad to see your post. I've been WONDERING what you've been up to!

    Very exciting progress. I think there are a few LEAPS forward in here.

    I know I've told you that I had to get some Glamour Shots done and keep those pictures out before it would sink in that THAT was ME. You must have some great shots from work, etc. Maybe you should print a few out, frame them, and put them around your home and work space.

    P.S. Can't wait for the Health issue!