Thursday, February 18, 2010

Leaving Fear, Finding Comfort

Completely out of the blue Yesterday I got an email forwarded from Raphael that says, "check out your after pics here --- very different body compared to now!"  So I look a little closer at the body of the's a forward of an email I sent to him dated 9/2006 with some before and "after" pictures attached.  So I opened the pix up and this is what I heard in my head ...

"oh god!  *really?*  Frumpy!  Could really lose a lot more, still kinda fat!"  I estimated my weight in those pix to be around 160ish? I was actually pretty harsh on myself with the thoughts I had about the pix, but you get the idea.  Anyway, this is what I saw...

From After
Ugh ugh ugh! and I'm thinking why is he sending these to me?

So out of curiosity, I log into the eDiets database and I go to the weigh-in history around 9/2006 and then I know why...

My weigh-in history from that time:
09/18/2006 - 140
09/11/2006 - 141
08/28/2006 - 142
08/21/2006 – 139.5


WOW.  Is that right?! That can't be right!

Now here's a recent picture: 

From After
That was me on 11/23/2009 and my weight that day is logged as 137.8.

Umm...seriously. floored.

Those few pounds that I fought for for SO LONG trying to originally, to FINALLY get to goal back in 2008....the time that I spent agonizing over the scale from about the time those first pictures were taken in 2006 until I finally got to goal in October 2008, the time I spent agonizing over the scale again when I started gaining some again in 2009 and then trying to take it back off again...all of it the times that I thought I was absolutely going nowhere because the scale would BARELY budge...the days I spent beating myself up in my head "it took you more than 2 years to lose *6 pounds*.."

it was working :)

And I had *no idea.*  I was so so so totally number/scale weight focused I couldn't see THESE changes ..but the pictures aren't lying, they are truly undeniable.  Essentially the WEIGHT between 2006 and 2010 is unchanged.

3 years, 2lbs...a world of difference.

There's a point here, but it's hard to SAY.  I feel it in me, but I don't know how to put words around it.  My friend Honu, and T also are on my mind a lot with this, but it really applies across the board for everyone. This never stops, constantly evolving process...constantly learning, growing...

All the little changes, the battles you fight every day - they ARE worth something, even if the scale tells you differently. Just I guess...I wish I had something to say that sounded a little more clever or profound or something but...just ... never quit.

So much has been coming together for me recently...I had been on I guess, sort of a mental plateau.  You know that we all go through these stages where we lose the fat and everything is great, then we get stuck, and we battle...that's where this mental change/growth happens.  But I had gotten stuck stuck stuck, so focused on getting the weight back off.  I posted sort of about this when I got home from VA, but it's been coming more and more together for me over the past few weeks.  I posted more about it here about a week or so ago, I think about it a lot - I'm changing. 

Seeing these pictures just helped to solidify that deeper...instead of just "knowing," I really *know* and I really FEEL and believe it emotionally.  The tide of the battle is taking a turn, in the way I see me, the way I see food and exercise it's all FINALLY changing and some of the fear is going, and some COMFORT is settling in.  I'm not letting it rule my life and alter how I feel about myself - I will NOT!  There's still work there, and I doubt the fear will ever 100% go away, but for feels absolutely FREEING, amazing, and incredible. 

Thank you, Raphael :)

1 comment:

  1. You are changing inside and out -and you look amazing!