Just first quickly on training...muddling through the deload week that has no bench deload because my shoulders are just...weird. They're not in pain, they're just...noticeable in a way that they weren't before. No sense in pushing things now so...they'll just stay nice and rested and bench will be just fine without it. I'm sure.
I was poking around the internet tonight, juust doing some surfing and I came across something about Erik Chopin from The Biggest Loser. Erik was the winner of...Season 3 I think? He started on the ranch at a little over 400 pounds, lost a BUNCH and then at some point in 2009 came "out" that he had gained all the way back up to about 370.
How devestating for him, and my worst nightmare. It's the source of the fear, Ive known this for a long time - gaining the weight back. There really can be no going back!
So still surfing, I found where Erik's former trainer Bob paid him a visit. He said he was worried Bob would be let down or angry with him, he was embarassed to meet with him.
But Bob said some things to Erik that when I read, really resonated deeply with me,
Bob told him that he shouldn’t go back to the “strict life,” instead finding a balance he’d be able to do for the rest of his life.
“You know how to take it off and you know how to put it on — what you don’t know is how to live your everyday life,” Bob said.
Interstingly, I thought I had this down, I thought I had this down for a long time, but the truth is I don't. I wrote about this once before, about "maintenance." I thought I was "in maintenance" when i reached my goal weight, but I wasn't, I wasn't doing "everyday life" yet...I was living exactly the same as when I was "dieting."
Now some might argue that if you've truly made "a diet" your LIFESTYLE, then why WOULD it change? But I'm seeing now why, I'm experiencing now why it should change. Not drastically, but slowly I think, a balance needs to be struck...a little more freedom and a little more wiggle room. Because you can't do "the strict life," for forever...exactly as Bob said. And I made lots of noise about it the day I thought I finally GOT that. Well I guess I got that in theory that day, but what I didn't get was any of the tools I need to put it into practice...I never learned HOW to make it happen.
Quite simply...I don't know how to DO 'everyday life."
For SO LONG I dieted, I did it for SO LONG tht I only know two ways to eat.
The way that didn't work, and the way that did.
The in between..that's the everyday. I have a lot of work to do, because THAT door is hidden under a lot of fear.
Except, I would say that the two ways you know are the old way that didn't work and the new way that doesn't work anymore. :-)
ReplyDeleteI wish my attitude about food could be like my attitude about water. I used to be hyper about my water consumption: X ounces before lunch, X ounces before I left work, X ounces before bed, etc. Now I barely am aware of mow much I drink. After my morning coffee, all I drink is water, and I trust myself to drink enough. I may not hit 64 oz everyday, but on the whole I drinkg enough/plenty. If I drink too little one day I don't freak out, I know I will be more thirsty the next day and make up for it.
I certainly don't trust my appetite the way I trust my thirst. And more importantly I don't eat only when I'm hungry (but I don't drink water if I'm not thirsty). Maybe someday . . . .
Anyway, I saw Erik's return to TBL this season, and this converstaion with Bob. It was really good, and really true. And nice that TBL would show another perspective on the whole weight loss thing besides the craziness of the regular show.
And, P.S., I thought of you when I had ONE SLICE of pizza for dinner tonight. (I wasn't sure I could stop at just one, but I felt like 2 would be too much.)
Coco you are totally right - it's not working anymore, and you're absolutely right it's about trust..trust appetite, trusting the queues are bodies give us...I have none in myself.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you have the "friendship" (saw your tweet :) with food in the way that you do. I know your ups and downs and they seem so totally normal to me, yet pretty far out of my reach (right now).
I haven't followed TBL so I wasn't really familiar with his story, but i certainly can relate to the transformation he made, how he must have been feeling with the gain, and what those words sounded like coming from Bob (relief, understanding). And he has done it again, and I hope that he can be happy and even more proud of himself this time, I don't imagine that is a thing many people come back from so strongly. I find that to be truly truly inspiring.
Tara wrote to me, "It's a choice and you've decided a long time ago to not ever go back. Now it's time to let go and live the life you created for yourself."
Need to let go of that old me, the one that I don't trust, the one that I'm never going back to. Need to know and trust that I really am never going back, and really, I've essentially kept HER away for many, many years now - there's no reason not to trust ME. I started this exactly because I needed to bust out of the me that was living hidden under all that FAT, in so many ways I was trapped. And I very clearly visualize how I emerged from that (it's very graphic lol) and ended up HERE...squarely in the middle of another box, trapped again.
This morning on the elliptical...45 minutes. I was yelling at myself "why are you DOING this, there's no need, you're not trying to lose weight, you're supposed to be resting for your meet...STOP" ... in tears on that thing, and *tired* But, the voice that i heard was encouraging me to STOP. I didn't listen to her, kept on elliptical-ing (?!) - tired, tears and all, but if I hear her enough...
{{{Cathy}}} As someone who is living your fear I can say for sure that it isn't fatal. ;-) No I didn't gain it all back, but I gained about half.
ReplyDeleteI remember when another eDiets friend got to her goal weight, then wanted to lose 10 more pounds, and I was still in the process of losing and I thought she was nuts. I have another friend (FoodieMcBody on Twitter) who is in the process of trying to decide if she wants to lose some more now that she's maintained at goal weight for a year.
I get it on one level but then I don't get it either. I've wondered if my seeming inability to lose the ~20 pounds I regained is really about my fear that I won't be able to keep it off. I don't want to live like that! But I do know that I want to be the best I can be and that involves, at the very least, reducing my waist size. I have pretty much decided that the scale can't be my source of measurement right now.
I don't mean to ramble on here...just wanted you to know I am reading regularly now and supporting you and cheering you on! I have faith that you will figure it all out and thrive!
It is so hard to "let go and live" (love that!) but you don't have to do it all at once. You can wade into the pool - you don't have to jump off the cliff.
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