Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Trying Trust...Again

I thought I'd try to share some of the "progress" I made the past few days (long, get comfy :). I talked and confided in some trusted friends that I knew would "get" this (RC, Honu, Susan) and I spent a lot of time juggling through the crazies in my head and all this stuff - sort of accepting it - a little permission to feel completely irrational for a little while goes a long way :)

On Sunday I saw 137.6 again so had officially made that first goal I had set for myself of 138.0 by that day (not that I hadn't already, but I felt like I LOST it with the random bounce..and I did lose it - my mind not the goal)! I had originally said I would then see how things were going on Sunday and decide to actively go after 135 (or not) then.

I decided on Sunday for some sanity I needed to let go of the NEED to see that and just let things go naturally. I'm not changing anything I have been doing (other than the "no plan" workout plan ;) - just going to go with it for a while again and see where things shake out without obsessing over meeting the next goal. That felt better too. Just freedom from the constant pressure of setting/meeting goals...

Tara sent me an email the other day that made me think - she said something about us being somewhat addicted to setting/meeting goals...I'm not sure that's the right word for it but I think there's something to it. There's definitely a pressure that comes with it - sure goal setting has a role, but if I want to just LIVE, I can't always/constantly be trying to live up to a new/higher standard or goal - right? I think that is/was part of that "trapped" feeling I've been sensing.

Yesterday I think the hormones started to settle down a little bit too, maybe my body is starting to adapt a bit to the change...I think there's still some unsettled emotion there, I'm still out of whack a little (way less capacity to deal with stuff still), but the spotting is slowing down and I feel waaaaaaaay less psycho and out of control.

Yesterday felt good to go into the gym and just do what felt good, not cater to a set plan on a page to complete...I ate to a plan but the handful of baby carrots and tiny bit of PB I had when I got home from work because I was starving was not a source of freakoutedness :)

This morning I was down again to 136.4, and I went in to the gym and did legs - squats, which have normally fallen on Tuesdays but it felt ok, especially without having a full on workout written on a page to feel compelled to complete simply because it was THERE...I just made it up as I went along, and when I felt like I had gotten a good thorough strong workout, I stopped. How simple - wow :)

When I watched the videos of the pullups and squats back on the camera, I could see some things I liked on the screen, i didn't immediately feel sad or ashamed about my body....Once or twice I even thought my legs looked pretty good :)

I honestly do NOT know if it's in my head or if it's real but there is such a huge difference in just 2 or 3 pounds. Guess ultimately it really doesn't matter if it's real or imagined because it's how I see it.

Anyway - moving on....I'm going to try to hold on to this feeling of calm and growing sense of at least a little bit of freedom..gonna try to just be :) Also going to try to keep it together on an even keel as far as the emotions go...gah.

As for goals - I have goals for powerlifting, and a general goal for healthy weight maintenance dammnit :)

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