Time to Grow Somewhere

I'm not even sure where to start here today - big jumble all up in this head of mine. I guess I'll just start at the beginning and work my way through my day so far...

After yesterday's cardio escapades (and softball game last night) I was "down" to 138.2 Which really shouldn't even count - not "down" or "up" it's like a ridiculous move on the scale, honestly I could take a piss and lose .2 lbs, yet I felt a sense of relief this morning...

Got into the gym with a slight sense of trepidation, afterall, today was a big day - heaviest weight ever used in training for reps before! I didn't know what to expect with that - always a little freaky handling a new weight.

Despite that, I ended up setting a *riiiiidiculous* PR today for deads. Was it the Jack3d?! Total venting of anger and frustrations from this week (there were A LOT)? I have NO idea where it came from but...ridiculousness came in the form of 280 x 7.

The closest I've ever hit to that was 275 x 4.

I am a puddle now though. Truly a puddle. Made it through the rest of that workout and now I got nuttin' honey :)

The rest of the workout looked like this:
Sumos
5 x 220
3 x 250
1+ x 280 ... 7



Front Squats
10 x 95
12 x 75

Good Mornings
2 x 15 @ bar

Squats
3 x 8 @ 125

SGDLs
12 x 135
10 x 155
8 x 175

Conventional Deads
2 x 8 @ 185

BB Alt Leg Lunges
10/leg @ 85

Leg Press
(1-leg): 8/leg @ 90
(2-leg): 8, 8 @ 270, 10 @ 230

Machine Hip Adduction
3 x 12 @ 165

Standing Calf Raises
3 x 12 @ 150

Leg Extensions
3 x 10 @ 90

Between my 2nd and 3rd calf raises sets, a friend of mine came up to me out of the blue and told me he thought just in this past week I was leaning out tremendously, looking good. Exactly the opposite of how I was feeling, exactly this THING that I have been battling for so long now, and especially this week. I totally burst into tears on him. I mean...wow. Sucktastic, I was mortified. The good thing is that I think he "gets it," but on the other hand..just wow. I've really gotta get it together here. He told me he saw this week that I was lacking in spirit. I told him that's because I was hating so bad on myself. He was wonderful, understanding but also sensible and reassuring.

So here I am, back where I started, somewhere in this weird space between LIVING and DIETING, between trusting myself and planning my life to a piece of paper. Exactly where I said I did not want to be anymore. I have to learn to let go - I need to learn it in diet, I need to learn it in my workouts, I need to learn to listen and trust ME! Why is that so hard? And apparently so much to ask? I'm completely terrified of it...but I think I just have to do it, I have to start trusting and leave this "comfort zone" (hah, really, is there comfort here?) of planning everything down to the micro level. I thought I was there, maybe I was and I slipped a little - like the first few tries at losing weight, or riding a bike...looking at it like that feels a little better I guess.

The big picture here is living life. Happy life, not chained to a piece of paper and beating myself up over .2lbs. Just typing that scares me, but also makes me really angry that I'm STILL in that space!

Need to move on, it's time to grow somewhere.