Hiding

I've been hiding a bit. I have nothing good to say, I don't feel enlightened, I don't feel good, I feel a little ashamed and a little angry.

I saw Christie on Wednesday, I had called to move my standing appointment sooner because my weight was just skyrocketing and I thought for sure I must be eating too much. I admitted to not taking a full day off in near 3 weeks out of fear...She calmed me a bit, but said that a reduction in calories was absolutely not warranted, that it was my stress level causing "this." Work, the bank, the weight itself...she cited the muscle spasms I've been having in my back as a good indication that it is stress, that my body is so guarded, preparing for war, that it's holding on to absolutely everything, holding tight.

I wanted to believe her.

I left with an assignment to take yesterday (thursday) off - no training, no cardio. Instructions to monitor my stress level before/after workouts, and workout only if something other than the number was driving my motivation. Also she wanted me to incorporate more yoga, and if I wanted - yoga on an off day would be ok. I wanted what she said to be true.

I took yesterday off, since I said that I would. I did do about 20 minutes of gentle yoga last night, in an attempt to soothe the back.

This morning I woke up at 149.2 pounds, up TWO POINT TWO pounds from that day off, thankyouverymuch.

I can't do this. I sent Christie this email earlier this evening:

I can't be here, I can't - this isn't right! SOMETHING is wrong. This is why I can't take a day off. I wanted to trust but after that...something isn't right :( I dropped my cals today by 250, I can't keep this up - I can't.

1550 cals
180g protein (45%)
135g carbs (35%)
31g fat (20%)

Maybe I'm not ready for this...it's hard for me to understand why it's not ok for me to want to feel my best and be at a weight that I am comfortable at if that is not an unhealthy or unreasonable place. I'm sorry I can't be happy with me like this, I just can't, this isn't where I feel good, it's not how I move best - it's not even helping me lift more - I get nothing from this except bloated ankles and marks from my too tight pants and bra around my waist and chest :(

I have to fix this. No w/o vids, I can't even look at them.
But they're done.

I was off from work today (soooo very needed) and had a massage. Filled an Rx I got for the knee that I never took today, got it for the back spasms that have been keeping me up all night. Hopefully that will help. Hopefully the massage helped. I also got some biofreeze. And lots of icing. I'm not injured, because after all of these things (ice, rest, massage) the pain goes away completely. It's totally stress induced and I can feel it tighten as the day goes on. The more I tense the more it contracts and the more tense I get, etc...vicious cycle. Hopefully the Rx will interrupt that cycle and I can get some relief. And much needed sleep.