I haven't talked about it beyond a passive mention in a long time, hopefully a sign in and of itself that things in my head are a little quieter, but I've still been "dieting" these past few weeks. I started back the 2nd week of March with Raphael and we've been at it ever since...the quest to lose about 8-10lbs. My goal was to feel better in my body, not feel bloated or off, to fit in my clothes..really just to feel right.
I started to get that feeling at about 142lbs and a few weeks ago hit on 140.4 and was feeling *fantastic* Immediately upon seeing that I got my period and my weight (and associated bloating) shot right back up where I didn't want it. Since then the 'fight' has been ON to bring it back. I've repeatedly gotten back to the 142s and each time I've felt really good. That seems to be the magic place for me - just over the line into feeling good and right, clothes fitting and importantly - easily maintainable. Still - I saw that 140 a few weeks back and I had some sort of perverse need to get back there because not getting back there would be giving up, right?
To do that, we've experimented more with manipulating carbs and cardio and during that time I've honestly come to the conclusion that I am literally fighting it, and really it kind of makes me miserable and I don't need it. I don't want it anymore, I don't want to think about it, I don't want to spend endless time doing cardio, I don't want to feel like crap - I want none of that. I want to feel good and strong in the gym again, I want to be able to live (and not in fear) and be like a normal person.
I found myself writing this in an email, and I meant it: "I feel a little like I'm giving up, but also a lot like I've won a bit of my life back." While the past few weeks have been a fight, I think that time was necessary for me to be able to look back and say "but for what?" I've already achieved the "feel good" I was looking for, my clothes are fitting again...I've achieved what I set out for and it's time to stop the fight. Carbs will come up, energy will return, training will be stronger, recovery will be better...all good things :)
It was about this time last year when I was finally able to ask for help and it has been some kind of journey of ups and downs, and yet another that will likely never end, have continual twists and turns and moments of straying off the path and getting a little lost. But I really feel like I'm very well on my way - Out of the Abyss.