Saturday, December 18, 2010

I'm Still Here

I've been very successful the last few weeks in just BEING. I've not logged food or tracked calories or macros since Thanksgiving. I've had insanely good training sessions...but the past week or so I've been feeling extremely out of control. My weight had been fairly stable (and many will argue it still is) around 145 until the onset of my period when I bumped up 3lbs. Now three weeks later, essentially none of it has gone. With each day, the obsession over that grows, along with the sense that I need to DO something..."it's been long enough! it should come down! obviously you're doing something wrong. Fix it, less food, work harder..." blah blah blah...

I recognize that a) I don't know why it popped up and won't come down (well I know why it popped up, it's the won't come down part I don't know...), and b) this feeling today really is not about my weight but the general feeling of being out of control of my life, and wanting to control SOMETHING.

We found out we were taking another paycut at work, and when that came down and I still hadn't heard from the bank, I decided to take control of the situation and list my house for short sale. That decision felt freeing and brought a small sense of relief and closure to a situation that felt like it would never come to resolution. Just before the Realtor came to take pictures and get the house listed, the bank sent me a letter and denied my modification. So today I really have no idea what's going to happen with it...I have no control of what the bank might do, or how things are going to work out, I just have to trust that right now in each moment I'm making the right decisions toward the future.

I do recognize this feeling though. This is the tightest, most squeezed, feeling most "captive" point...the point where I feel all of the tension about "what's to come" and not knowing and a lot of fear...I know pushing through this there will be a release on the other side, there will be that moment of freedom when I can run out with my arms outstretched, I know that all of this will ultimately lead to a big growth spurt and new opportunities and all around good things. RIght here on the precipice I know the only way to escape is to jump, but it still looks like a huge jump with no net...Really I wish I had someone to jump with me, but...I've done this before, I just need to stay the course.

In our last session (the one before today), we talked about not giving yourself the 'leftovers." She said (summarizing) 'you spend so much time running around trying to put out fire after fire, to fix that, and make this right, and make that better, and help this person and do this over here...that by the time you get around to you you expect YOURSELF to run on autopilot. No attention, no self care necessary. You essentially look at yourself and say "hey, really? you can't just work on autopilot? Really? I have to pay attention to YOU TOO? what is WRONG with you?"

Today when I saw her, she reminded me of that. She said now, more than ever, I cannot give myself just the leftovers.

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