Sunday, November 28, 2010

Many Thanks

Thanksgiving morning I went to the gym for my regular Deadlift training session. There I ran into a woman who I hadn't seen in a few months. When I had spoken to her a few months back, she was new to the gym and she was definitely having a hard time with some things, she asked me a few questions here and there. Super nice and I thought she was going to do great, she was consistent and trying hard...anyway she disappeared.

Thursday when I saw her she came right up to me and said hello, I was really happy to see her :) I remarked that I hadn't seen her in a while, and she briefly told me that she had found a lump in her breast and then about all the tests and the procedures and ultimately she had surgery to have it removed. I asked her if she was ok, did she have to have chemo or radiation or anything and she said no - they got it all in surgery. And then she said, "so it's taken a while for me to recover enough to get back here, and now I'm just...(long pause here...and then she cried)...enormous!" Which, she wasn't..but whatever...WOW.

From the depths of my heart I wanted to just wrap my arms around her and give her a huge hug (I didn't, semi-stranger and all), but instead told her how much that SOOOOO didn't matter, that she's healthyand safe now and it's ok to build back to things slowly, and what a wonderful Thanksgiving gift! She cried some more because her foot was hurt somehow too and she couldn't squat, and she just felt *completely defeated*. It was all over her face and in her was heartbreaking. We talked a bit longer, she stopped crying, and she resolved to just start slow and try again and she wandered off. She didn't stay very long, maybe 20 minutes total and she left.

To make this about me (nice, right?) - I welled up tremendously on the inside when she came out with "enormous," it was honestly the last thing I expected to hear. I never believed more strongly than in that moment that the weight didn't matter, that she was healthy and not suffering through radiation or having chemicals all injected into her body. I'm trying to articulate something here that I'm having a hard time finding words for, so bear with me...

It was like anytime I had tried to say that before - whether to myself or to someone else, was in comparison, a total flat out downright lie. The power with which I felt that at that moment was immense, and if THAT is the measure I have to go by, then I can't possibly have ever believed it until right then. Does that make sense?

I felt small for the tremendous worry I've put into what amounts to somewhere between 6 and 10 pounds. This year has been hard for me and I've gotten way too caught up in the negative, so what with the finances, the cut and pay...I still can still eat and drive and have a roof. So what about the bank and the fucked up mortgage stuff, and so what to alllll of it - I am healthy and my friends and family are healthy and safe and despite the struggles, I really have so much to be thankful for and there is nothing REALLY wrong....

In that moment I realized that I really need to do a better job of getting my head out of my ass on a daily basis. And I've known that, and I've felt that before, but never quite so profoundly as I did Thursday. I know others have had moments like this...and even have shared them with me. Maybe not about weight or whatever, but general worry about things like jobs, economy, etc - worry followed by the realization of what really COULD be wrong, and a recognition (or re-remembrance of) what is important.

What COULD be wrong is someone that I care about could be very ill or dying. And thankfully right now, that is not the case. So in the face of nothing less than that - I should be strong and forever thankful for health and general well-being...the health of my family and friends and the health of myself.

For me, it finally connected, all of it. What's important. It's weird it came not from my mom's 5yr cancer all-clear, or a while back from a personal story a close friend shared with me about a health scare in their own family - but from what amounts to essentially a stranger. I'm not sure if it was because of the day, if it was because the time was just right, who knows why...but it did, and I'm sooooo grateful for that.

So I went into the rest of the day "light." I had no worries, I had no plan! What would I need to plan for? Really...I had a wonderful invitation to enjoy the day with RC's family, and that's all I needed to know and do :) I simply had every intention of enjoying that time, and I did :) And I can't say enough how wonderful it was to be welcomed into someone elses family that day when mine was so far away. And on THE day when all of this came together for me. What's important....oh here come the tears :) But happy ones :) Did I mention RC's mom? She's a shining bright light :)

Anyway - again the day with RC and his family was beautiful. We ate a million courses before the main meal, I enjoyed a little bit of wine, and a little of everything I wanted. After dinner we went for a short walk, then came back in a bit later for dessert. Which was plentiful, and included in addition to the traditional pie choices, also a birthday cake for RC's wife AND chocolate chip cookies for RC, hahah. I had THOSE, OMG yum. Two :)

I came home just filled with lots of thoughts, a lot of joy, a lot of 'lightness' despite the food..really I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. Interestingly, I was down a half a pound the next day.

I've been able to carry this lightness with me all weekend. I met the guy for coffee turned lunch on Friday, and Saturday we had dinner out. So three days in a row...I've eaten what I've wanted and foods that aren't "normal" to me. I haven't logged a single calorie or figured any macros since Wednesday. I'm listening, trusting, and feeling, and find I'm getting so much better at knowing both hunger and satiety and I can feel some of the fear leaving as that improves...more lightness. Today even after a very rich meal last night, I'm down yet another half pound (obviously I'm still weighing myself daily)...but beyond that though I feel lighter in just BEING, I feel strong, and I feel more joyful. I really enjoyed the beach yesterday...honestly it may sound crazy cheesy but I just see things slightly differently.

Maybe I've finally made my first full step towards truly living weightless :)

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