I guess I'm looking at the past week or so as building the new foundation for myself...last week with all of the food and the meet I walked away feeling like my body really DOES know what it needs, and I CAN listen...I just have to be open to it. And I have to be open to it more than just once every few months come meet time....imagine a whole training period of doing it right and how the NEXT meet day will be?!
I CAN imagine it, especially after this one...and I'm up for the challenge. T-minus 10 weeks and counting till the next one. Lots of time to practice and get this right. A few bricks have been layed in the right direction.
I had an appointment with Christie today...we talked about the few days before the meet, the meet, after the meet...hahah...all about food. We talked about the realizations I'd had from the meet about the amount of food I probably need, but we also talked about last night at my last meal with my parents - I found another piece of the puzzle.
Disclaimer: if anyone's view of food is more skewed than mine, it's my dad's ;)
So we're at dinner. I had ordered a grilled mahi-mahi with veggies and a baked potato. He'd ordered fried clams, potato wedges and cole slaw, and an appetizer of clam chowder. He's about half way through his chowdah (correct spelling ;) and makes his very typical announcement, "well I'm full" as he takes another bite and then another. Then he tells me he doesn't really need to eat very much, really he needs very little and could eat just once a day, but he was raised that you always finish what's on your plate no matter what, so he just can't stop.
Sure dad. I proceeded to remind him he was an adult, and his mother was 2,000 miles away, and if he REALLY was full, to stop eating, no one here would shove it down his throat. Which he protested and couldn't do. He finished the chowdah, then his meal came and he finished almost all of it (few potato wedges left), continuing to make comments now and then about being forced his whole life to finish what's on his plate regardless of satiety.
And somehow this was a "click" moment for me. My Dad doesn't know when he's satisfied. I don't think he even knows when he's stuffed.
I've come pretty far in recognizing when I'm hungry, and I've been working on eating when I'm hungry too (but if I'm being honest I've done a crappy job at it..I essentially throw my hunger a bone and try to be all conservative..like "oh...I'm hungry, ok I think I'll have a rice cake, that'll do the trick!"), and I know from my experience last weekend that I can recognize (*when I actually eat enough*) when I'm satisfied, and that I can stop eating before I get over full. But the catch is, on a day to day basis - I never give myself that opportunity to get fully satisfied (and stop eating!) because I prepare meals that are a certain size or portion, and that's it.
This right here [--------] is my meal. And that's it. When it's gone, I'm "satisfied", because that's the portion I prepared and because at some point along the way THAT was the right portion for weight loss. "Satisfied" in this case really simply means "done," satisfied or not! It's when I stop eating because THAT is the portion, not necessarily because I've had enough to eat. And while I've been trying to eat between meals when I'm hungry - maybe it's more that I shouldn't be hungry between meals (hahah...ding ding ding!).
So I don't really know what satisified feels like on a regular day-to-day basis...I eat to a point where I'm no longer ravenous, but never to the point where I feel really good and sated.
Today's work then has been preparing larger portions than "usual" and practicing eating until I'm satisfied. Which so far has been kind of scary (trust!) but going ok. This evening I feel like some of my energy is coming back...I was pretty wiped earlier in the day.
This is allll testing my tolerance but also probably proving a point...since I went back to work and working out and more of a "regimented" eating plan (and resultant lower calories) my weight has gone up (eat less, weigh more! :P) to almost 148....reaaaallly pushing it and honestly it stresses me out and makes it very hard to trust and not restrict restrict restrict. But I'm pushing through it, and feeling better is a big help.
Writing this all out I feel a bit like an idiot..like it's all a lot of "duhhh," but at least I'm finally piecing the "duhhh" together and trying to act on it :)
It's important that I get this right! I want to be strong! And healthy! And not neurotic! Or at least, less neurotic ;) Dave sent me my new training parameters and has upped my maxes for the next meet to 205 squat (!), 125 bench, and 325 (!) deadlift. That means all of the weights I'll be training with have increased as well since they are based off a percent of max, so it's ramping up fast. Gotta get this.