August 4 Training

Maybe part of what I'm feeling is also exhaustion. My workout this morning wiped me out long before I even got to work.

Today was deads/bench/deads day.

The first group of deads were "halting" deads, or deadlifts to knees.
Basically you perform the first part of the lift and lift from the floor to the knees, pause (x 3 seconds), and then complete the lift.

Here's my last set of those:


I can't even tell you what a special kind of hell those are. The weight is relatively light, and they still totally wasted me. Many, sets of those, then bench, and then back to regular deads.

After my 2nd to last set of deads, I was unsure I'd even get through the last one. The weight was a little heavier than the last set of halting deads, but still, relative to the way I had been training, very light, and it about killed me.



Form was definitely suffering by then. Kept my back tight, solid arch, but my hips come up way high before the bar even begins to move, not sure what was going on there but I'm quite sure fatigue played a role in it.

Friday is squat/bench/squat and pretty high volume. I'm off on Friday but after I train I have to go sit for CPR recertification (for PT cert that is on the verge of expiring). If i"m not feeling recovered I'll have to move that to Saturday I think..we'll see how I'm feeling.

It's not all Roses and Lollipops

I'm not feeling ME - I'm going through motions because I've been told to because it's "the right thing" for me to do. I've been 100% on board with the "fake it till you make it" train and I don't feel closer to believing that I can DO this.

I'm feeling completely out of control, I want to give in and get that control back. I haven't logged food in weeks, I'm eating the "required" added cheese, apple, and milk, but I don't want to - I'm doing it because I'm supposed to. I physically feel enormous, I want it to go, I want to cut my calories but I'm not because I'm not supposed to. I didn't weigh today, yes it was a choice, but it wasn't a choice I wanted for myself - I did it because I'm supposed to try.

The weight, I can't explain it. I don't know the WHY behind it. No I'm not logging my food, but I know approximately where I am (calories consumed, rough ratios) and I know what I'm doing for workouts and yet here I am clearly gaining. *SEVEN* pounds in one month?! Are you kidding me? How can I trust this?! My clothes are tight, I feel bloated, I feel LOST.

I've been posting OperationBeautiful.Com post it notes all week, they feel really good to leave, to hopefully bring a smile to someone else. But I don't believe them for me.

I feel shame, and anger and fear. I'm ashamed of myself for feeling this way, I'm ANGRY at something but I haven't figured out what...and well we know what the great fear is. And it's here.

I know that I want to be loved unconditionally and separate from my body, but I'm apparently unwilling to do that for myself. But I don't know how when I'm *so uncomfortable* in it...when my clothes are tight or pull or plain don't fit. When my belly gets bloated and pushes out and rubs the inside of my shirt. When my weight belt won't fit on the notch it normally fits on. When my sexy red dress isn't sexy anymore.

When does this get easier? Is there really a "natural weight?" What if mine is really high? What if I really can't trust me? What if right now what feels good and safe and right is the the very thing that I asked for help to stop?

Saturday I see Christie, and right now I'm angry at me for feeling like I NEED that. Weak. Part of me (I think we know which part) wants me to keep on so I can prove that I can't do this...it goes something like, "See? I told you it wouldn't work, now let ME back in control and we'll fix it all up and make it better." I hear that voice, it's loud and clear. Right now I'm just going to keep on doing what I'm supposed to. I'm gonna sit here and feel all of this shit for what it is and just keep doing what I'm doing, because I'm supposed to.

This is hard.

Haaaaa-uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge!

I did it! Hah! Me! I voluntarily (that is *by*choice*) stayed OFF my scale today for the ENTIRE DAY. #1DAYNOSCALE

I honestly do not believe there has been a day in the past 10 years that I have not weighed myself unless it was by force (no scale available). Not a single day.

And this morning, despite the trepidation, despite wanting to cry and throw and tantrum and say "I can do it if I WANT to," I talked myself through it. And when I finally convinced myself that I could step AWAY from the scale, I quickly got dressed and ATE something (pre-gym breakfast) so as to completely ruin any chances of having a change of heart and running back upstairs, stripping down and jumping on ;)

Self-thwarted-self!

That's not to say that I haven't otherwise been freaking about it all day, but I'm dealing, I'm still here, I didn't MELT and I'm pretty sure I didn't gain 12lbs when I wasn't looking.

Tomorrow will be another day, no promises now of what tomorrow will bring. But I do know that today I did it, so I do know that I can choose to do it again.

And now for something completely different!

Training today went squat/bench/squat. Lots of squat. Lots of bench too, who am I kidding. A bajillion paused reps followed by 4 sets of 8 db incline press (also paused, gah) and my pecs are uhhhhh..let's just say *feeling*it*

Legs are too, and really I need to get my ass off the computer and right onto the foam roller, if there's any hope of movement tomorrow :)

And now for your viewing pleasure...

Last Bench - really focusing on form here, trying to keep elbows in, touch lower and keep the arch solid.