End of Week Training Update
Bench went well on Thursday, i was really happy with this session. The plan called for 5 x 5 @ 110. I went in thinking I'd pause sets 1, 3, and 5, and go touch&go on 2 and 4. I quickly changed my mind on that ;)
Bench - 5 x 5(ish) @ 110
Happy with a good pause on at least the first 3 reps of sets 1 - 4.
On sets 4 and 5 the spot I got was just the tiiiiiniest bit of assistance through the sticking point, then hands off again.
Next week, I'll advance set one to 112 and go for all paused reps, then go back to 110 for the other 4 sets since I'm not quite ready to move on yet.
On to squats! Up to 135 for 5 x 5 on squats and they felt easier and better than ever. I do have one set on video but it's not so helpful so we'll skip it today. RC commented that it was my best squat session so far, that's promising, since squat is his thang. I did well keeping my elbows down and breathing through the squat...I'm excited to see where I can take this the next few weeks!
I've also identified a tremendous strength difference between my right and left quad. My right knee is the one that's frequently messed up, so maybe that explains the difference, but it is VERY pronounced. I'll be spending the next several weeks also trying to correct that.
On Another Front
Mentally struggling a bit with the food/weight thing this week. That's probably an understatement, but...I'm still trying to sort through it all and also I made an agreement with myself today, that the freaking out could resume if I still felt like a crazy person on TUESDAY. Until then...we're trying to chill out over here, and trying not to over-react and make any drastic changes. This morning (before the agreement with myself), I almost called Christie in a panic, but I calmed down and will just leave my already scheduled appointment where it is (9/14). I have to learn to deal with this. I guess that's progress...it is for the next few days anyway!
And Another One
Not a lot of news to share on the job front...a few leads, but nothing of substance, and no interviews...yet!
Showing posts with label Out of the Abyss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Out of the Abyss. Show all posts
Friday, September 2, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
A Training Week Ends - Massive Weekly Wrap Up!
Not the best training week for me, numbers/strength wise but a HUGELY important and awesome training week for me in so many other ways.
1. Last Friday, RC and I beat the living sh*t out of our legs. I can't even begin to relay the soreness and the "overdoneness" factor. If it helps to even give you an inkling, on Sunday I took a step and my entire right hamstring seized and cramped up and refused to move for a good 5 minutes or so. It took about an hour for it to relax and unseize (it's a word now), and probably another 3 or 4 for the crampy pain to totally subside. This seriously affected my strength and performance all week (I'm sure of it, but if you need proof, check my shakey/unstable performance with Overhead Press from Monday!). What's the major lesson learned here kiddos? Note to self: don't do this in the future!
2. I had a solid deadlift day on Tuesday, but it was a step back week, and a good thing too, because I was still not fully recovered on Tuesday for Deads. I went for warm-ups, followed by 3 sets of 5 at 240, 250, and 265. RC followed suit only he stuck with the conventional stance. Had I needed to go for max reps or heavy singles, it would not have happened. Or would have further impeded my recovery from Friday for sure! RC and I discovered a slight inefficiency in his deadlift that we are going to work on correcting going forward. Video would be nice here, huh? Yeahhhh...that day I lost my camera :( I think it fell out of my bag and I didn't notice it, and of course...NO ONE turned it in*
3. Wednesday - OFF
4. Thursday we worked Chest. I benched with 5-3-1 and then did a bunch of accessory work, RC started with Flat DB Press. We used his camera on Thursday and got my last bench set and got a nice video of some of his heavy DB presses - 75 pounders for 10 reps! It was not my best chest day either, I wanted at least 9 reps at 100, I got 8, and only got the 9th with assistance:
It really was just the tiniest bit of assistance, but assistance nontheless.
5. Today - well, wow. We worked legs again. I made a very conscious effort to not beat them at all. Next week is a heavy week for deads and the heaviest week in the cycle for everything else, so the plan for today, spoken many, many times outloud, was (say it with me!) MODERATION! The plan was to do 5-3-1 sets as written, but go very light on the accessory work. I'm happy to say I stuck to the plan, however I'm not fully convinced that my legs were fully recovered even TODAY! Much better, and really close - but maybe not quite all the way there yet! Wow huh?
Anyway - we brought the camera back in the gym today...RC wanted to be sure to work on his form and his depth for squats and I'm always looking to improve on those things, so we put it to good use today. Learned something very deceiving and interesting. My squats, from the angle that I normally film from, look pretty good. They're not beautiful, they're not perfect, form gets lost as the weight gets heavier and/or I get tired during the set, but for the most part...not so bad! We got some video today that shows a VASTLY different squat! I'm like...ok so you know you watch some youtube videos of people lifting and you wince and sort of turn away, or watch out of one squinty eye, because they look like they're going to kill themselves? Holy crap that's me! Here's why it's interesting! From the side, from the view I normally get, they look great! But change that angle, a little bit behind...bad, bad news. I don't even know how that can be! But I was mortified. I never would have seen it though, without a partner filming it from a different angle. They're so bad I honestly believe it would be irresponsible for me to post them. Not to mention I'm embarrassed to, too!
6. With that understanding, I'm now on a mission. As I mentioned last week, one very big and obvious issue is my elbows. Another potential contributor (mentioned before): weak abs. I'm not sure how they're weak at this point, but it seems likely given my "symptoms." Easy enough to work on, and it certainly can't HURT anything...so, abs will get some extra attention. I WILL GET THIS, damn it ;)
7. Having a training partner freaking rocks. I've never had one before, but in just this week alone I've learned many little (& some big!) things. In the process, I'm also learning how to BE a good training partner. My spotting sucks and needs some work, but I've already seen improvement in that - it's an art. I get a different perspective from it - it helps me to see my workouts through another's eyes in a few ways - not just selection of sets and reps and exercises, but also energy levels, enthusiasm, determination, etc. It's cool to sort of combine things from different "schools," too. I'm not sure I can fully explain either one of those things, but it's been enlightening for me and for however long it lasts, I'm very happy for the experience, the camraderie, the extra push and nudge, and the friendship. Shouts to Raphael for that, it's been awesome and I look forward to more :)
8. Like my friend Ms. T, I'm learning more and more to work through fear. Tara has pushed so hard in the past, that she's having now to recover from Adrenal Fatigue. It's a long, difficult road (and one I'm so proud of her for walking, and walking tall). Although some of the circumstances are different, what she just wrote in her blog really struck a chord with me:
Pushing myself has never been the problem (in the last few years). It’s listening to my body and knowing when to slow down that I have a problem. But what I’m neglecting are the answers to these questions. Of course I’ll know when it’s too much… AFTER the fact and it may trigger a worsening of my symptoms by putting more of a strain on my adrenals and thyroid, but will it set me back months and months? Of course not… as long as I listen and act.
Listen and act. Listen, learn, act. Adapt. Guess who's not going to work to the point of total leg annihilation again? I didn't know it was too much until AFTER, until I couldn't sleep from the soreness/pain, could barely walk, and had my entire leg cramp/seize up. But I certainly learned, and now is the time to listen and act. And it DID set me back, but not months and months, so all is ok. Not a total screw up, just learning. Still :) But aren't we all? Still? :) Tara's an awesomely strong role model in this (and many other) regard! Thanks Ms. T!
I'm learning to know when to stop, yeah I have a ways to go ;) I'm also learning to trust me and my body and FOOD. I'm up to a little over 2000 calories per day, and at least one meal out each week. Seriously - me, 2000 calories a day?! I'm NEEDING it and recognizing that need, and equally important: I'm enjoying it and I'm not sweating the little things. I could probably stand to go for even a little more some days. But I'm staying away from religious tracking of cals/macros and manipulating every meal to be perfect. Part of it comes from still having the "safety net" that Tara mentions in her post, I'm getting little nudges here and there on the food front that make it just a little easier to listen to the voice that tells me I need to eat (rather than shutting her right down, as I've so often done in the past). But I too want to learn to trust my own voice that says "too much" or "not enough" or "just right." Hello Goldi-Cooth :)
All in all - it's been an amazing week. I've learned a lot, I've made a ton of progress, even if it all wasn't in my strength and in my numbers.
* Do you have any idea how much it irritates me that people can suck so bad? If it's not yours, turn it in! How many times could I have had a new phone, iPod, CAR...but these things weren't mine, so I gave them to the front desk to keep safe. It would be nice if most of the world operated that way.
So here's where I debate a second post or just keep right on going into "everything else." Well here's where you can decide to quit, or keep reading cuz I'm goin in!
Tuesday of this past week I heard back from the job I last interviewed for - no go. It was a pretty big blow, and despite what my mom says about the email, I really feel it was the dating equivalent of the "it's not you, it's me" speech. And we all know that means "it's you, and you suck." BUT - it wasn't the ideal job anyway, it was only part-time, no benies, etc...so, onward!
That was the same day I lost my camera at the gym :(
It was also the same day that my Bloom site went totally on the fritz. I ended up having to call Go Daddy because I could not log into it _at_all_. No post updates, no changes to the theme - nada. They ended up having to "roll it back" to a few weeks ago, so all of the cosmetic and other changes I'd made to the site were lost.
Tuesday was not my brightest day this week ;) But today is Friday, and it's a much, much brighter day. My new camera arrives today. I'm on the job hunt EVERY day. And in between that and training, I'm keeping much busier than expected with some small projects RC and I are collaborating on. They're coming together really nicely and there's some potential for some really great things to come from it all, I believe that! I've also successfully put Bloom back together again, and now just need to get over THERE and update. I've got several ideas, I just need to discipline myself to sit down and WRITE. Through all this, I've picked up a little web design knowledge which is kind of cool. Unemployed, but picking up a new skill here and there can't hurt!
Which leads me to another thought! I'm thinking of getting another certification. Debating going to NASM for a Corrective Exercise Specialist certification. It feels like that should open some employment doors for me, and definitely goes along the lines of picking up a new skill while I'm down! I need to make a decision...I've been sitting on this one since the beginning of July. I guess I just want to be sure that the output (cash/time/effort) is going to be worth the return. It's hard to say in this economy, and particularly since I don't know where I might end up job wise right now!
And with that, friends...I stop being a windbag and I leave you to your weekend :)
1. Last Friday, RC and I beat the living sh*t out of our legs. I can't even begin to relay the soreness and the "overdoneness" factor. If it helps to even give you an inkling, on Sunday I took a step and my entire right hamstring seized and cramped up and refused to move for a good 5 minutes or so. It took about an hour for it to relax and unseize (it's a word now), and probably another 3 or 4 for the crampy pain to totally subside. This seriously affected my strength and performance all week (I'm sure of it, but if you need proof, check my shakey/unstable performance with Overhead Press from Monday!). What's the major lesson learned here kiddos? Note to self: don't do this in the future!
2. I had a solid deadlift day on Tuesday, but it was a step back week, and a good thing too, because I was still not fully recovered on Tuesday for Deads. I went for warm-ups, followed by 3 sets of 5 at 240, 250, and 265. RC followed suit only he stuck with the conventional stance. Had I needed to go for max reps or heavy singles, it would not have happened. Or would have further impeded my recovery from Friday for sure! RC and I discovered a slight inefficiency in his deadlift that we are going to work on correcting going forward. Video would be nice here, huh? Yeahhhh...that day I lost my camera :( I think it fell out of my bag and I didn't notice it, and of course...NO ONE turned it in*
3. Wednesday - OFF
4. Thursday we worked Chest. I benched with 5-3-1 and then did a bunch of accessory work, RC started with Flat DB Press. We used his camera on Thursday and got my last bench set and got a nice video of some of his heavy DB presses - 75 pounders for 10 reps! It was not my best chest day either, I wanted at least 9 reps at 100, I got 8, and only got the 9th with assistance:
It really was just the tiniest bit of assistance, but assistance nontheless.
5. Today - well, wow. We worked legs again. I made a very conscious effort to not beat them at all. Next week is a heavy week for deads and the heaviest week in the cycle for everything else, so the plan for today, spoken many, many times outloud, was (say it with me!) MODERATION! The plan was to do 5-3-1 sets as written, but go very light on the accessory work. I'm happy to say I stuck to the plan, however I'm not fully convinced that my legs were fully recovered even TODAY! Much better, and really close - but maybe not quite all the way there yet! Wow huh?
Anyway - we brought the camera back in the gym today...RC wanted to be sure to work on his form and his depth for squats and I'm always looking to improve on those things, so we put it to good use today. Learned something very deceiving and interesting. My squats, from the angle that I normally film from, look pretty good. They're not beautiful, they're not perfect, form gets lost as the weight gets heavier and/or I get tired during the set, but for the most part...not so bad! We got some video today that shows a VASTLY different squat! I'm like...ok so you know you watch some youtube videos of people lifting and you wince and sort of turn away, or watch out of one squinty eye, because they look like they're going to kill themselves? Holy crap that's me! Here's why it's interesting! From the side, from the view I normally get, they look great! But change that angle, a little bit behind...bad, bad news. I don't even know how that can be! But I was mortified. I never would have seen it though, without a partner filming it from a different angle. They're so bad I honestly believe it would be irresponsible for me to post them. Not to mention I'm embarrassed to, too!
6. With that understanding, I'm now on a mission. As I mentioned last week, one very big and obvious issue is my elbows. Another potential contributor (mentioned before): weak abs. I'm not sure how they're weak at this point, but it seems likely given my "symptoms." Easy enough to work on, and it certainly can't HURT anything...so, abs will get some extra attention. I WILL GET THIS, damn it ;)
7. Having a training partner freaking rocks. I've never had one before, but in just this week alone I've learned many little (& some big!) things. In the process, I'm also learning how to BE a good training partner. My spotting sucks and needs some work, but I've already seen improvement in that - it's an art. I get a different perspective from it - it helps me to see my workouts through another's eyes in a few ways - not just selection of sets and reps and exercises, but also energy levels, enthusiasm, determination, etc. It's cool to sort of combine things from different "schools," too. I'm not sure I can fully explain either one of those things, but it's been enlightening for me and for however long it lasts, I'm very happy for the experience, the camraderie, the extra push and nudge, and the friendship. Shouts to Raphael for that, it's been awesome and I look forward to more :)
8. Like my friend Ms. T, I'm learning more and more to work through fear. Tara has pushed so hard in the past, that she's having now to recover from Adrenal Fatigue. It's a long, difficult road (and one I'm so proud of her for walking, and walking tall). Although some of the circumstances are different, what she just wrote in her blog really struck a chord with me:
Pushing myself has never been the problem (in the last few years). It’s listening to my body and knowing when to slow down that I have a problem. But what I’m neglecting are the answers to these questions. Of course I’ll know when it’s too much… AFTER the fact and it may trigger a worsening of my symptoms by putting more of a strain on my adrenals and thyroid, but will it set me back months and months? Of course not… as long as I listen and act.
Listen and act. Listen, learn, act. Adapt. Guess who's not going to work to the point of total leg annihilation again? I didn't know it was too much until AFTER, until I couldn't sleep from the soreness/pain, could barely walk, and had my entire leg cramp/seize up. But I certainly learned, and now is the time to listen and act. And it DID set me back, but not months and months, so all is ok. Not a total screw up, just learning. Still :) But aren't we all? Still? :) Tara's an awesomely strong role model in this (and many other) regard! Thanks Ms. T!
I'm learning to know when to stop, yeah I have a ways to go ;) I'm also learning to trust me and my body and FOOD. I'm up to a little over 2000 calories per day, and at least one meal out each week. Seriously - me, 2000 calories a day?! I'm NEEDING it and recognizing that need, and equally important: I'm enjoying it and I'm not sweating the little things. I could probably stand to go for even a little more some days. But I'm staying away from religious tracking of cals/macros and manipulating every meal to be perfect. Part of it comes from still having the "safety net" that Tara mentions in her post, I'm getting little nudges here and there on the food front that make it just a little easier to listen to the voice that tells me I need to eat (rather than shutting her right down, as I've so often done in the past). But I too want to learn to trust my own voice that says "too much" or "not enough" or "just right." Hello Goldi-Cooth :)
All in all - it's been an amazing week. I've learned a lot, I've made a ton of progress, even if it all wasn't in my strength and in my numbers.
* Do you have any idea how much it irritates me that people can suck so bad? If it's not yours, turn it in! How many times could I have had a new phone, iPod, CAR...but these things weren't mine, so I gave them to the front desk to keep safe. It would be nice if most of the world operated that way.
So here's where I debate a second post or just keep right on going into "everything else." Well here's where you can decide to quit, or keep reading cuz I'm goin in!
Tuesday of this past week I heard back from the job I last interviewed for - no go. It was a pretty big blow, and despite what my mom says about the email, I really feel it was the dating equivalent of the "it's not you, it's me" speech. And we all know that means "it's you, and you suck." BUT - it wasn't the ideal job anyway, it was only part-time, no benies, etc...so, onward!
That was the same day I lost my camera at the gym :(
It was also the same day that my Bloom site went totally on the fritz. I ended up having to call Go Daddy because I could not log into it _at_all_. No post updates, no changes to the theme - nada. They ended up having to "roll it back" to a few weeks ago, so all of the cosmetic and other changes I'd made to the site were lost.
Tuesday was not my brightest day this week ;) But today is Friday, and it's a much, much brighter day. My new camera arrives today. I'm on the job hunt EVERY day. And in between that and training, I'm keeping much busier than expected with some small projects RC and I are collaborating on. They're coming together really nicely and there's some potential for some really great things to come from it all, I believe that! I've also successfully put Bloom back together again, and now just need to get over THERE and update. I've got several ideas, I just need to discipline myself to sit down and WRITE. Through all this, I've picked up a little web design knowledge which is kind of cool. Unemployed, but picking up a new skill here and there can't hurt!
Which leads me to another thought! I'm thinking of getting another certification. Debating going to NASM for a Corrective Exercise Specialist certification. It feels like that should open some employment doors for me, and definitely goes along the lines of picking up a new skill while I'm down! I need to make a decision...I've been sitting on this one since the beginning of July. I guess I just want to be sure that the output (cash/time/effort) is going to be worth the return. It's hard to say in this economy, and particularly since I don't know where I might end up job wise right now!
And with that, friends...I stop being a windbag and I leave you to your weekend :)
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
A Whole Buncha Stuff, and Very Little (at the same time)
That's sort of how I've been feeling this week. Like I have a ton of stuff to do and to figure out and to "fix" and yet at the same time, really I have very little actually going on. It's a weird feeling, hard to explain. I feel like things are very far from a plan, and we all know how I like PLANS, don't we? Right now I'm a little bit all over the place and feel like a lot is out of control, but how else do I really expect to be right now? I mean I *just* lost the job, right? It's not like I've been at this for months. So rather than killing myself trying to control a bunch of stuff that really can't be controlled...I'm TRYING to go with the flow and just do what I can. So even though it's very little, it somehow feels like a lot of work hahah.
Friday July 8 was my last day with eDiets, it was busier than I expected and not quite as smooth as I'd hoped (a lot of last minute stuff), but it still ended the same. Friday night I took myself out to dinner to celebrate - nice big burger and fries and a margarita. Yum :) Still have a lot of mixed feelings over the whole thing. I'm trying to stop myself from trying to justify them all or from pushing them away, just trying to go with it.
Yesterday I had an interview for a great job, I'm feeling really hopeful and positive that I'll get the call for another interview. She said I could expect to hear either way by the end of the week next week. Please if you're reading this keep that in your thoughts for me, I really need for something to come through soon. It is only part time but with that and some PT I should be ok for a little while and it's really a great match for me, so...Yesterday eDiets and I also struck a deal on the one thing that was left as a bit of a loose end. We'll have to call it "mutually beneficial" and just leave it at that, though.
Today I think I found the health insurance plan I'm going to go with, it seems to provide basic (though very reasonable) coverage at a somewhat affordable rate, considering. Cobra, as always, is completely out of my reach at $400/mo!
Deads yesterday...it was a good day. They went about as I expected...not quite ready, hahah ;) That said, I'm also not real worried about it. It all went down like this:
5 x 135
3 x 165, 195, 215
5 x 245
1 x 295
miss x 320
This was a "3" week so for working sets it was 3 x 195 and 215, 3+ at 245
I held back on the 245 and only pulled the 5 (easily had way more in me) but I probably should have just stuck to 3 I guess, because in addition to the regular 5-3-1 program, the revised program calls for adding singles in meet prep phases. Since I've decided to go for the August DL only meet, I'm adding that in now (that's the part I'm not quite ready for). Singles this week were 85% and 92.5% of intended meet max (345). 295 went up easy and 320 didn't go up at all. Well, I did move it about an inch off the floor, but no way it was comin all the way up - not surprising, and not alarming :)
Here's the 245 (continuing with the dead stop thing):
Here's the single at 295:
In still other news (this is a long update!) ... I see Christie tomorrow. I think it's been about a month since our last session. I'm feeling really incredible good about things lately. I ate comfortably when at home with my folks last week and came back only 1lb higher than when i left. Before I left for that trip, Raphael asked me to come up with a plan that I enjoy. He said, "forget the calories, forget the macros, just come up with a plan that has foods that you think you'd enjoy and put them together into meals and then let me see it." I did this, and when I was done and looked at it - I was really happy and kind of excited about it. I spent a minute too long looking at it, and found myself wanting to tweak the macros and move things around between meals, but I walked away from it. He asked me to show it to him and he said, "I love it, go for it!"
I wasn't sure about it, I'll admit I was hesitant because I still KNEW the macros and the cals...but on Monday I went ahead and gave it a try, it just felt like the right time to do it. And then yesterday. And today. And I'm fully enjoying it. And I'm lifting strong. And I'm losing...my scale weight is still higher than I'd ideally like it, but I haven't felt that out of control feeling - I'm confident and comfortable. I'm feeling like...I can finally DO this and be ok :) And I can't wait to share this with Christie tomorrow - all the "new" foods I'm adding and swapping in and out of my daily diet. The flexibility, going out and enjoying myself once in a while...as she said at the end of my last visit (I think), I'm getting my life back...in so many ways :)
Bench is on deck tomorrow, and squats on Friday, with a guest appearance! Really looking forward to that :)
Friday July 8 was my last day with eDiets, it was busier than I expected and not quite as smooth as I'd hoped (a lot of last minute stuff), but it still ended the same. Friday night I took myself out to dinner to celebrate - nice big burger and fries and a margarita. Yum :) Still have a lot of mixed feelings over the whole thing. I'm trying to stop myself from trying to justify them all or from pushing them away, just trying to go with it.
Yesterday I had an interview for a great job, I'm feeling really hopeful and positive that I'll get the call for another interview. She said I could expect to hear either way by the end of the week next week. Please if you're reading this keep that in your thoughts for me, I really need for something to come through soon. It is only part time but with that and some PT I should be ok for a little while and it's really a great match for me, so...Yesterday eDiets and I also struck a deal on the one thing that was left as a bit of a loose end. We'll have to call it "mutually beneficial" and just leave it at that, though.
Today I think I found the health insurance plan I'm going to go with, it seems to provide basic (though very reasonable) coverage at a somewhat affordable rate, considering. Cobra, as always, is completely out of my reach at $400/mo!
Deads yesterday...it was a good day. They went about as I expected...not quite ready, hahah ;) That said, I'm also not real worried about it. It all went down like this:
5 x 135
3 x 165, 195, 215
5 x 245
1 x 295
miss x 320
This was a "3" week so for working sets it was 3 x 195 and 215, 3+ at 245
I held back on the 245 and only pulled the 5 (easily had way more in me) but I probably should have just stuck to 3 I guess, because in addition to the regular 5-3-1 program, the revised program calls for adding singles in meet prep phases. Since I've decided to go for the August DL only meet, I'm adding that in now (that's the part I'm not quite ready for). Singles this week were 85% and 92.5% of intended meet max (345). 295 went up easy and 320 didn't go up at all. Well, I did move it about an inch off the floor, but no way it was comin all the way up - not surprising, and not alarming :)
Here's the 245 (continuing with the dead stop thing):
Here's the single at 295:
In still other news (this is a long update!) ... I see Christie tomorrow. I think it's been about a month since our last session. I'm feeling really incredible good about things lately. I ate comfortably when at home with my folks last week and came back only 1lb higher than when i left. Before I left for that trip, Raphael asked me to come up with a plan that I enjoy. He said, "forget the calories, forget the macros, just come up with a plan that has foods that you think you'd enjoy and put them together into meals and then let me see it." I did this, and when I was done and looked at it - I was really happy and kind of excited about it. I spent a minute too long looking at it, and found myself wanting to tweak the macros and move things around between meals, but I walked away from it. He asked me to show it to him and he said, "I love it, go for it!"
I wasn't sure about it, I'll admit I was hesitant because I still KNEW the macros and the cals...but on Monday I went ahead and gave it a try, it just felt like the right time to do it. And then yesterday. And today. And I'm fully enjoying it. And I'm lifting strong. And I'm losing...my scale weight is still higher than I'd ideally like it, but I haven't felt that out of control feeling - I'm confident and comfortable. I'm feeling like...I can finally DO this and be ok :) And I can't wait to share this with Christie tomorrow - all the "new" foods I'm adding and swapping in and out of my daily diet. The flexibility, going out and enjoying myself once in a while...as she said at the end of my last visit (I think), I'm getting my life back...in so many ways :)
Bench is on deck tomorrow, and squats on Friday, with a guest appearance! Really looking forward to that :)
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Some Peace
I haven't talked about it beyond a passive mention in a long time, hopefully a sign in and of itself that things in my head are a little quieter, but I've still been "dieting" these past few weeks. I started back the 2nd week of March with Raphael and we've been at it ever since...the quest to lose about 8-10lbs. My goal was to feel better in my body, not feel bloated or off, to fit in my clothes..really just to feel right.
I started to get that feeling at about 142lbs and a few weeks ago hit on 140.4 and was feeling *fantastic* Immediately upon seeing that I got my period and my weight (and associated bloating) shot right back up where I didn't want it. Since then the 'fight' has been ON to bring it back. I've repeatedly gotten back to the 142s and each time I've felt really good. That seems to be the magic place for me - just over the line into feeling good and right, clothes fitting and importantly - easily maintainable. Still - I saw that 140 a few weeks back and I had some sort of perverse need to get back there because not getting back there would be giving up, right?
To do that, we've experimented more with manipulating carbs and cardio and during that time I've honestly come to the conclusion that I am literally fighting it, and really it kind of makes me miserable and I don't need it. I don't want it anymore, I don't want to think about it, I don't want to spend endless time doing cardio, I don't want to feel like crap - I want none of that. I want to feel good and strong in the gym again, I want to be able to live (and not in fear) and be like a normal person.
I found myself writing this in an email, and I meant it: "I feel a little like I'm giving up, but also a lot like I've won a bit of my life back." While the past few weeks have been a fight, I think that time was necessary for me to be able to look back and say "but for what?" I've already achieved the "feel good" I was looking for, my clothes are fitting again...I've achieved what I set out for and it's time to stop the fight. Carbs will come up, energy will return, training will be stronger, recovery will be better...all good things :)
It was about this time last year when I was finally able to ask for help and it has been some kind of journey of ups and downs, and yet another that will likely never end, have continual twists and turns and moments of straying off the path and getting a little lost. But I really feel like I'm very well on my way - Out of the Abyss.
I started to get that feeling at about 142lbs and a few weeks ago hit on 140.4 and was feeling *fantastic* Immediately upon seeing that I got my period and my weight (and associated bloating) shot right back up where I didn't want it. Since then the 'fight' has been ON to bring it back. I've repeatedly gotten back to the 142s and each time I've felt really good. That seems to be the magic place for me - just over the line into feeling good and right, clothes fitting and importantly - easily maintainable. Still - I saw that 140 a few weeks back and I had some sort of perverse need to get back there because not getting back there would be giving up, right?
To do that, we've experimented more with manipulating carbs and cardio and during that time I've honestly come to the conclusion that I am literally fighting it, and really it kind of makes me miserable and I don't need it. I don't want it anymore, I don't want to think about it, I don't want to spend endless time doing cardio, I don't want to feel like crap - I want none of that. I want to feel good and strong in the gym again, I want to be able to live (and not in fear) and be like a normal person.
I found myself writing this in an email, and I meant it: "I feel a little like I'm giving up, but also a lot like I've won a bit of my life back." While the past few weeks have been a fight, I think that time was necessary for me to be able to look back and say "but for what?" I've already achieved the "feel good" I was looking for, my clothes are fitting again...I've achieved what I set out for and it's time to stop the fight. Carbs will come up, energy will return, training will be stronger, recovery will be better...all good things :)
It was about this time last year when I was finally able to ask for help and it has been some kind of journey of ups and downs, and yet another that will likely never end, have continual twists and turns and moments of straying off the path and getting a little lost. But I really feel like I'm very well on my way - Out of the Abyss.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Where to Begin...
On Friday I was put on "working notice" at work, my last day is to be July 8th. If you know me, you already know why and you also know that this is probably the best thing that could happen. Well, hahah..almost best :) It would have been best had I gotten something else FIRST, but...being released from there is really a relief and a big step towards happiness. I've been nothing but stressed for months! The terms of my notice are, relatively speaking, extraordinarily generous (I'm not sure why, but my guess is that it has something to do with marketing), and during this time I can choose to work from home or the office unless they need me in the office for something specifically. I'll take "home" for $1,000 please Alex!
The timing surprised me, I guess I knew it would come eventually, but I didn't expect it *quite* yet...I was thinking I had till maybe August/September. With the surprise comes a big sense of relief, a little anger, and a lot of "umm...shit!" I cycle through these emotions fairly frequently...waves just kind of hit me out of nowhere. There's some sadness too. I know a lot of you would say "why sad?" and I think it's because there was a time (albeit quite brief) that this job to me was just the epitome of awesome...I loved it and I was happy to go in to work everyday. Also sad maybe because as I realized I did love it so much, it was easy for me to give *so much* to it. Looking back I see just how much that was and how ultimately in the end it did nothing to help and I got nothing out of it except maybe it feels a bit like a kick in the head to be asked to leave...even if I was unhappy there for the past year or two.
Where am I going with all this...I saw yesterday that this coming week we will have a new moon, symbolizing "the time to begin new projects, initiate contracts, make important phones calls, write up a proposal and do anything that requires a starting point. A time to undertake new cycles." I'm not generally one to put too much importance on these kinds of things, but in this case, I'm going to build on this idea and run with it through every aspect of my life. It was already starting..I could feel a change in me happening most specifically with all of the eating issues, a new trust has been really taking hold and growing.
My next post was going to be about a small victory in that arena, but Friday's news sort of dwarfed it in the immediate sense. But the more I think about it now, in relation to undertaking new cycles, it's perfect. A friend of mine invited me to a cook-out at her house on Memorial Day, I accepted. I know it doesn't sound like much, but it occurred to me that a year ago I'd be doing one of three things right now: a) completely freaking out about going, how will I eat, what if everyone thinks I'm a freak because I don't eat anything, or I bring something of my own? b) trying to get out of going because of (a), or c) being sad and miserable because I would have declined it to begin with - further from "living," and further isolating myself .
Today - I'm excited about tomorrow and the prospect of seeing my friend, hopefully meeting some new folks, and generally having a good time. I'm not in freak-mode about the food or my weight or how to handle the situation...all I need to do is show up and have fun :) I have not stepped on the scale since last Monday - I know I'm up a little but I'm just now coming off my period and I know that's normal and not freak worthy and not even worthy of stepping on the scale, I can feel the bloat - no need :) I feel good, I feel *different* I believe it now when Raphael says it IS possible to heal this...I'm doing it, i'm working hard at it :) There's a confidence and trust that has never been there before.
So two new cycles there, but both speak to changing the quality of my life..taking it back and making it mine again. I also think I'm just about ready to hit the PL training again...I've been having a hard time resisting (!) squats and deadlifts in the gym lately, and more so - wanting to move some WEIGHT!
Last night I read through 5-3-1 for Powerlifting and I think that's where I'm going to start. I used the original 5-3-1 program after my first meet (and overdid it). I think I've learned enough now and have gotten so much better at listening to my body that I'm in a good place to try this...it's been slightly revised since then. I'm going to consider the next 3-4 weeks a transition period...working the lifts back into my regular rotation, getting re-used to the movements, refining form, and then I'll give it a go. I'm excited :)
Meanwhile, late last week I took my deadlift for a spin to see how she was lookin ;) Kept it light and simple with 5 x 5 sets. Here's the last set (lost my grip on that last rep, had to reset):
Not too bad for 5 months off, I feel encouraged ... in so many things, beginning again :)
The timing surprised me, I guess I knew it would come eventually, but I didn't expect it *quite* yet...I was thinking I had till maybe August/September. With the surprise comes a big sense of relief, a little anger, and a lot of "umm...shit!" I cycle through these emotions fairly frequently...waves just kind of hit me out of nowhere. There's some sadness too. I know a lot of you would say "why sad?" and I think it's because there was a time (albeit quite brief) that this job to me was just the epitome of awesome...I loved it and I was happy to go in to work everyday. Also sad maybe because as I realized I did love it so much, it was easy for me to give *so much* to it. Looking back I see just how much that was and how ultimately in the end it did nothing to help and I got nothing out of it except maybe it feels a bit like a kick in the head to be asked to leave...even if I was unhappy there for the past year or two.
Where am I going with all this...I saw yesterday that this coming week we will have a new moon, symbolizing "the time to begin new projects, initiate contracts, make important phones calls, write up a proposal and do anything that requires a starting point. A time to undertake new cycles." I'm not generally one to put too much importance on these kinds of things, but in this case, I'm going to build on this idea and run with it through every aspect of my life. It was already starting..I could feel a change in me happening most specifically with all of the eating issues, a new trust has been really taking hold and growing.
My next post was going to be about a small victory in that arena, but Friday's news sort of dwarfed it in the immediate sense. But the more I think about it now, in relation to undertaking new cycles, it's perfect. A friend of mine invited me to a cook-out at her house on Memorial Day, I accepted. I know it doesn't sound like much, but it occurred to me that a year ago I'd be doing one of three things right now: a) completely freaking out about going, how will I eat, what if everyone thinks I'm a freak because I don't eat anything, or I bring something of my own? b) trying to get out of going because of (a), or c) being sad and miserable because I would have declined it to begin with - further from "living," and further isolating myself .
Today - I'm excited about tomorrow and the prospect of seeing my friend, hopefully meeting some new folks, and generally having a good time. I'm not in freak-mode about the food or my weight or how to handle the situation...all I need to do is show up and have fun :) I have not stepped on the scale since last Monday - I know I'm up a little but I'm just now coming off my period and I know that's normal and not freak worthy and not even worthy of stepping on the scale, I can feel the bloat - no need :) I feel good, I feel *different* I believe it now when Raphael says it IS possible to heal this...I'm doing it, i'm working hard at it :) There's a confidence and trust that has never been there before.
So two new cycles there, but both speak to changing the quality of my life..taking it back and making it mine again. I also think I'm just about ready to hit the PL training again...I've been having a hard time resisting (!) squats and deadlifts in the gym lately, and more so - wanting to move some WEIGHT!
Last night I read through 5-3-1 for Powerlifting and I think that's where I'm going to start. I used the original 5-3-1 program after my first meet (and overdid it). I think I've learned enough now and have gotten so much better at listening to my body that I'm in a good place to try this...it's been slightly revised since then. I'm going to consider the next 3-4 weeks a transition period...working the lifts back into my regular rotation, getting re-used to the movements, refining form, and then I'll give it a go. I'm excited :)
Meanwhile, late last week I took my deadlift for a spin to see how she was lookin ;) Kept it light and simple with 5 x 5 sets. Here's the last set (lost my grip on that last rep, had to reset):
Not too bad for 5 months off, I feel encouraged ... in so many things, beginning again :)
Monday, May 9, 2011
One Year Ago...Update
Surprise surprise, I haven't posted in ages. I've been a bit on the busy side...on the job front, on the home front, on the training front (even though I'm not specifically training for anything right now), and on the weight/eating/recovery front...
On a whim tonight I thought I'd look back and see if I posted anything around this date a year ago. Surprise - I posted on May 9th, 2010...Nutrition and Wt Battles Continue.
I'm still fighting with some of the same things, but in many ways I've come really far. It's less of a struggle, and I'm catching myself before spiraling way down deep into it. I owe a lot of that to a lot of folks who've been patient with me while I try to figure things out. Christie, RC, Coco, Tara, Brandi, Brooke...tons of others too, who've just been understanding.
I've been dieting...the same plan I talked about in one of my few posts in March...100g carbs most days, low cals, and either a high day or a cheat meal day once every 4-7 days. It's been hard and progress is very slow..not quite 1lb per week on average. But I'm getting leaner than ever at a higher weight, and my body is sort of evening out..it behaves less extremely? Not sure how to fully explain that...but the extremes are less extreme.
I wish I knew how to communicate a feeling that washed over me a few weeks ago...it was a deep down inside feeling that knew I was never going to do this again, that I've got a handle on it...THIS TIME is like the time in 2000 when I knew I was going to lose weight "this time." That's it, no questions no doubt. Ok so there's some doubt, but I let go of the constant worry. I had a session a few weeks back with Christie where I explained this letting go, that I realized EVERYTHING was completely out of my control and I could only do what I could...hahah how silly right, of course that's all any of us could do. But I've been so determined to take and keep control of everything, it took losing control of everything (job, home, weight, etc) to realize that I couldn't do it...and more importantly, that that was OK.
She also had me draw out this sort of mental transformation I've made between sometime in 2006 and now...I've never wished more that I were an artist and could really put the vision I have in my head to paper. It still felt good to get it out.
Yes I'm still trying to lose a bit of this, but I'm not letting it overwhelm me. I'm keeping my high days (and fully enjoying them), I'm not fearing my off days, I'm not letting the scale determine the direction of my day...my focus is not the number but how I feel and how my clothes fit. I'm almost there, and I think I'll end up at my highest "goal weight" ever...and be happy about it :)
At the same time I've sold my house, moved, and continue the career pursuit. Things are settling down a little, but all in all, I'm feeling pretty good. Letting go of all that stuff (whether by force or voluntarily I think is irrelevant at this point) was the best thing that could have happened. Yay...I feel like I'm on the ascent...coming out of the abyss, hopefully with my treasure :)
Training...to return soonish :)
On a whim tonight I thought I'd look back and see if I posted anything around this date a year ago. Surprise - I posted on May 9th, 2010...Nutrition and Wt Battles Continue.
I'm still fighting with some of the same things, but in many ways I've come really far. It's less of a struggle, and I'm catching myself before spiraling way down deep into it. I owe a lot of that to a lot of folks who've been patient with me while I try to figure things out. Christie, RC, Coco, Tara, Brandi, Brooke...tons of others too, who've just been understanding.
I've been dieting...the same plan I talked about in one of my few posts in March...100g carbs most days, low cals, and either a high day or a cheat meal day once every 4-7 days. It's been hard and progress is very slow..not quite 1lb per week on average. But I'm getting leaner than ever at a higher weight, and my body is sort of evening out..it behaves less extremely? Not sure how to fully explain that...but the extremes are less extreme.
I wish I knew how to communicate a feeling that washed over me a few weeks ago...it was a deep down inside feeling that knew I was never going to do this again, that I've got a handle on it...THIS TIME is like the time in 2000 when I knew I was going to lose weight "this time." That's it, no questions no doubt. Ok so there's some doubt, but I let go of the constant worry. I had a session a few weeks back with Christie where I explained this letting go, that I realized EVERYTHING was completely out of my control and I could only do what I could...hahah how silly right, of course that's all any of us could do. But I've been so determined to take and keep control of everything, it took losing control of everything (job, home, weight, etc) to realize that I couldn't do it...and more importantly, that that was OK.
She also had me draw out this sort of mental transformation I've made between sometime in 2006 and now...I've never wished more that I were an artist and could really put the vision I have in my head to paper. It still felt good to get it out.
Yes I'm still trying to lose a bit of this, but I'm not letting it overwhelm me. I'm keeping my high days (and fully enjoying them), I'm not fearing my off days, I'm not letting the scale determine the direction of my day...my focus is not the number but how I feel and how my clothes fit. I'm almost there, and I think I'll end up at my highest "goal weight" ever...and be happy about it :)
At the same time I've sold my house, moved, and continue the career pursuit. Things are settling down a little, but all in all, I'm feeling pretty good. Letting go of all that stuff (whether by force or voluntarily I think is irrelevant at this point) was the best thing that could have happened. Yay...I feel like I'm on the ascent...coming out of the abyss, hopefully with my treasure :)
Training...to return soonish :)
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Honor This House
Yesterday I woke up with a load of disgust and discontent. It was from deep within, and it was directed solely at me and at my body. I was just *blah*...wrong, off! I stared and focused in on every flaw/bump/lump/whatever...
I've been trying to "be normal" and not stress the weight, measure, track, workout like a loon, or otherwise go crazy over the weight for a while now. In June I was in the mid-high 130s. In July I spontaneously combusted and shot up into the low-mid 140s like - almost overnight, and since have averaged out in the mid-high 140s.
I feel out of control of my body. None of the steps that I'm taking are changing that..I try and I try to "accept" and yet there's been nothing but *tolerance* Lately tolerance has become a BATTLE. A serious fight day in and day out because this feeling of grossness and discontent underneath has been brewing. I know I've said this a number of times, but I'm not really sure people *get* it...it FEELS WRONG here. This is not my healthy weight. I don't care if it's within normal BMI range, I don't care if I don't look fat, and I used to worry that people thought I was being vain...but I don't care anymore, it's not about that. I quite simply don't feel good here.
It is true the more stressed I get about my job and my home and the bank and all that, my attention focuses more sharply on myself, but that's because it's the only thing that's truly mine. What's that athletic clothing line...gah I'm totally blanking...Under Armour! They have that saying, "Protect This House." My house is in terrible disarray. It's sloppy and isn't comfortable to live in. At the end of your hectic day all you want is to come home to a nice, warm, welcoming, comfy house. I want my house to be that way again. I can't keep feigning acceptance here, it's turning into a fight and I'm just starting to feel resentful. I want *my* house back...I want my body to FEEL right again..THAT is the way to honor this house. That's it. Non-negotiable.
I had some help in letting go of this fight. I was doing it all this time because it was what I was told I was "supposed" to do but not because it was what I wanted. I felt empowered, given permission to accept what my body has been screaming all along. All this time I was supposed to be letting go, and really all along I was still fighting. Letting go I think, can really start now.
I don't really have a plan for accomplishing this quite yet, but I do know I'm not going to suddenly jump back on the scale every day, and I'm not going to suddenly start logging my food again daily (the thought turns me off completely). I might log here and there just to get a sense of where I am, and maybe to create some sort of very flexible "plan," but truly the thought of going on a very structured and regimented plan doesn't appeal in the slightest. I guess "the plan" is for intentional but intuitive, and here I have to believe it CAN be both if I'm truly connected.
This *feels* right deep inside from the same place that that discomfort and discontent was spewing from.
On another note - my training has been "off" too, really struggling in the gym with focus, strength, and motivation. Sunglasses Trainer Guy came up to me today and asked me what's going on with me, he told me I wasn't myself. Hahah...understatement. I nearly burst out into tears and it felt like confession when I basically said - I don't know what to do! I know I want to be there, and I know I DON"T need to be powerlifting right now, but I don't want to think and I can't motivate myself _at all_ lately! I told him I had thought about hiring him for 2 or 3 weeks just to help get me through this. He said he would train me, he said "I'll do it, I won't take your money but I'll train you." That felt good...huge relief. This was something else that I've really been struggling with, and he's offered to relieve that for me. Tomorrow I give him my schedule, and we work out a 3 day split for next week and the week after. Possibly one more week after that if I still need it. He said, "Look, I've been telling you for what...one and a half...two years now? If you ever need help I'll help you, if this is what you need, I've got it." A big thank you Sunglasses Trainer Guy (yes I know his real name ;)
Deep breath...
I've been trying to "be normal" and not stress the weight, measure, track, workout like a loon, or otherwise go crazy over the weight for a while now. In June I was in the mid-high 130s. In July I spontaneously combusted and shot up into the low-mid 140s like - almost overnight, and since have averaged out in the mid-high 140s.
I feel out of control of my body. None of the steps that I'm taking are changing that..I try and I try to "accept" and yet there's been nothing but *tolerance* Lately tolerance has become a BATTLE. A serious fight day in and day out because this feeling of grossness and discontent underneath has been brewing. I know I've said this a number of times, but I'm not really sure people *get* it...it FEELS WRONG here. This is not my healthy weight. I don't care if it's within normal BMI range, I don't care if I don't look fat, and I used to worry that people thought I was being vain...but I don't care anymore, it's not about that. I quite simply don't feel good here.
It is true the more stressed I get about my job and my home and the bank and all that, my attention focuses more sharply on myself, but that's because it's the only thing that's truly mine. What's that athletic clothing line...gah I'm totally blanking...Under Armour! They have that saying, "Protect This House." My house is in terrible disarray. It's sloppy and isn't comfortable to live in. At the end of your hectic day all you want is to come home to a nice, warm, welcoming, comfy house. I want my house to be that way again. I can't keep feigning acceptance here, it's turning into a fight and I'm just starting to feel resentful. I want *my* house back...I want my body to FEEL right again..THAT is the way to honor this house. That's it. Non-negotiable.
I had some help in letting go of this fight. I was doing it all this time because it was what I was told I was "supposed" to do but not because it was what I wanted. I felt empowered, given permission to accept what my body has been screaming all along. All this time I was supposed to be letting go, and really all along I was still fighting. Letting go I think, can really start now.
I don't really have a plan for accomplishing this quite yet, but I do know I'm not going to suddenly jump back on the scale every day, and I'm not going to suddenly start logging my food again daily (the thought turns me off completely). I might log here and there just to get a sense of where I am, and maybe to create some sort of very flexible "plan," but truly the thought of going on a very structured and regimented plan doesn't appeal in the slightest. I guess "the plan" is for intentional but intuitive, and here I have to believe it CAN be both if I'm truly connected.
This *feels* right deep inside from the same place that that discomfort and discontent was spewing from.
On another note - my training has been "off" too, really struggling in the gym with focus, strength, and motivation. Sunglasses Trainer Guy came up to me today and asked me what's going on with me, he told me I wasn't myself. Hahah...understatement. I nearly burst out into tears and it felt like confession when I basically said - I don't know what to do! I know I want to be there, and I know I DON"T need to be powerlifting right now, but I don't want to think and I can't motivate myself _at all_ lately! I told him I had thought about hiring him for 2 or 3 weeks just to help get me through this. He said he would train me, he said "I'll do it, I won't take your money but I'll train you." That felt good...huge relief. This was something else that I've really been struggling with, and he's offered to relieve that for me. Tomorrow I give him my schedule, and we work out a 3 day split for next week and the week after. Possibly one more week after that if I still need it. He said, "Look, I've been telling you for what...one and a half...two years now? If you ever need help I'll help you, if this is what you need, I've got it." A big thank you Sunglasses Trainer Guy (yes I know his real name ;)
Deep breath...
Friday, January 28, 2011
Living Weightless
I started a thread on eDiets a while back...I guess it was a little after I started openly talking about some of my eating/work out behavior here. Hah...I just checked, it was a full on 5 months after that (and even 4 months of dealing with it privately until I posted it here)! I was afraid of being fully "out" with it, and putting it out there, even though it's a closed community, felt like more full disclosure than putting it up here, I guess.
ANYWAY, when i started that thread to openly share some of this stuff within that community, I called it "Living Weightless." The reason I chose it was because I want to be weightless in my mind...I don't want every single day in and day out to be about my weight...I was very heavy and weighed down emotionally (and physically) by my weight, and now I've lost it but I'm still here tremendously weighed down by this stuff in my head...so I decided that it was fitting as I shared my path to finally living without that burden.
The past few weeks I feel like I've taken what feel like some enormous steps in the "Living Weightless" direction. It's been actually a lot of small steps finally adding up to something that appears tangible. I *know* there have been changes all along, but it's a nice feeling to be able to look and see how the baby steps have actually accumulated.
So, on to those tangible steps...
The weekend before the meet I was 146.2 on Friday. That weekend, I ate out not just once but TWICE, and that included two drinks on Saturday night (woot, date night :) I was also on complete rest - the stress of work and the house and training had really taken a toll, and with only 10 days until the meet I decided the best course of action was some major rest. So no training that Thursday - Sunday, not even easy cardio. Nada.
If you know me, right now you're reading that and you might just be in as much amazement as I was ;) But all of it *felt* right. I had no fear, no panicky moments...no guilt.
That Sunday, I woke up (period started too!) and I was 148.6. So let's just recap - 4 days total rest, 2 meals out, drinking, AND period, and I was up just about 2.5lbs?
I got on that scale FULLY expecting the worst and I realized very calmly, very peacefully, "Oh...I'm doing ok, I can do this."
I also realized -
Tracking/Logging food had been out of my life since Thanksgiving
Precise and neurotic weighing & measuring had been gone since a little after that, early December?
And the scale, the scale was the ONE thing I was still hanging on to.
That week wasn't the BEST week for me to decide I was ready to give up the scale. Because of the meet and because I was on the cusp of the weight class, I did need to monitor carefully. I did stay off it again until Wednesday, a HUGE victory in and of itself...it was in fact, the first time (other than being WITHOUT a scale altogether) I'd stayed off of the scale for more than one day in probably close to 10+ years.
Friday before the meet, I think I mentioned there were some weigh-in shenanigans. EVEN then, I stayed relatively calm when I didn't make weight and had to make a visit to the sauna to make it happen.
I ate WELL on Friday, I didn't feel guilty, I didn't worry about what it would do to my weight - I ate to fuel myself for the meet. Saturday I didn't do as well as in the past, but it was not out of fear or guilt, it really was just difficult for me to put anything into my tummy.
Sunday and Monday - I ate for recovery. Nothing crazy, but certainly not following the "norm" for me.
I stayed off the scale from the Friday before the meet until Tuesday of this week. Monday morning I actually picked it up and put it in the closet. Tuesday I took it out, saw the reading, and put it back. Stayed put away on Wednesday. Yesterday, another brief appearance and then back to the closet.
I thought last week when I realized I was going to be able to start letting go of the scale that I'd be better than every other day. But that appears to be my comfort zone for now, and so for now it stands...until whenever it changes. It takes what it takes...I tried this in August and I managed one day off the scale. One, and it instilled *total panic* back then. Today, it's peace.
For now, post meet - I'm taking a little time off. I initially said I was definitely taking some period of time off, but with the euphoria of the meet, that decision feels harder. I do know that I need SOME time, and I've respected that this week and I know I will through at least next week too. I'm still *tired* - deeply tired - so I've been kind to this body this week - I stayed out of the gym for the week and I got a massage last night. Wednesday was the first day I tried ANYTHING, and I stuck to the 20 minute beginner workout on Bob Harper's Pure Strength DVD. Today I worked out alongside my new client and tomorrow I'm pondering a walk along the beach after my appointment with Christie.
I'm excited to share all of this with her...she's been huge in helping me through this. Along with peeps following along here, and of course on eDiets.
We all know I'm not happy with how my body feels where I am, but I am happy with how I'm learning to live again, and love what I do have. I love my strength, and I do love my overall health. I love that I'm learning to have some respect, and appreciate my full journey. It's hard, and as I've said sooooo many times before - I know there will still be times when I falter or may "backslide" a little...but this is substantial to me, I'm on a new path and it actually feels right instead of forced, and as always - progress, not perfection :)
Maybe, almost weightless :)
ANYWAY, when i started that thread to openly share some of this stuff within that community, I called it "Living Weightless." The reason I chose it was because I want to be weightless in my mind...I don't want every single day in and day out to be about my weight...I was very heavy and weighed down emotionally (and physically) by my weight, and now I've lost it but I'm still here tremendously weighed down by this stuff in my head...so I decided that it was fitting as I shared my path to finally living without that burden.
The past few weeks I feel like I've taken what feel like some enormous steps in the "Living Weightless" direction. It's been actually a lot of small steps finally adding up to something that appears tangible. I *know* there have been changes all along, but it's a nice feeling to be able to look and see how the baby steps have actually accumulated.
So, on to those tangible steps...
The weekend before the meet I was 146.2 on Friday. That weekend, I ate out not just once but TWICE, and that included two drinks on Saturday night (woot, date night :) I was also on complete rest - the stress of work and the house and training had really taken a toll, and with only 10 days until the meet I decided the best course of action was some major rest. So no training that Thursday - Sunday, not even easy cardio. Nada.
If you know me, right now you're reading that and you might just be in as much amazement as I was ;) But all of it *felt* right. I had no fear, no panicky moments...no guilt.
That Sunday, I woke up (period started too!) and I was 148.6. So let's just recap - 4 days total rest, 2 meals out, drinking, AND period, and I was up just about 2.5lbs?
I got on that scale FULLY expecting the worst and I realized very calmly, very peacefully, "Oh...I'm doing ok, I can do this."
I also realized -
Tracking/Logging food had been out of my life since Thanksgiving
Precise and neurotic weighing & measuring had been gone since a little after that, early December?
And the scale, the scale was the ONE thing I was still hanging on to.
That week wasn't the BEST week for me to decide I was ready to give up the scale. Because of the meet and because I was on the cusp of the weight class, I did need to monitor carefully. I did stay off it again until Wednesday, a HUGE victory in and of itself...it was in fact, the first time (other than being WITHOUT a scale altogether) I'd stayed off of the scale for more than one day in probably close to 10+ years.
Friday before the meet, I think I mentioned there were some weigh-in shenanigans. EVEN then, I stayed relatively calm when I didn't make weight and had to make a visit to the sauna to make it happen.
I ate WELL on Friday, I didn't feel guilty, I didn't worry about what it would do to my weight - I ate to fuel myself for the meet. Saturday I didn't do as well as in the past, but it was not out of fear or guilt, it really was just difficult for me to put anything into my tummy.
Sunday and Monday - I ate for recovery. Nothing crazy, but certainly not following the "norm" for me.
I stayed off the scale from the Friday before the meet until Tuesday of this week. Monday morning I actually picked it up and put it in the closet. Tuesday I took it out, saw the reading, and put it back. Stayed put away on Wednesday. Yesterday, another brief appearance and then back to the closet.
I thought last week when I realized I was going to be able to start letting go of the scale that I'd be better than every other day. But that appears to be my comfort zone for now, and so for now it stands...until whenever it changes. It takes what it takes...I tried this in August and I managed one day off the scale. One, and it instilled *total panic* back then. Today, it's peace.
For now, post meet - I'm taking a little time off. I initially said I was definitely taking some period of time off, but with the euphoria of the meet, that decision feels harder. I do know that I need SOME time, and I've respected that this week and I know I will through at least next week too. I'm still *tired* - deeply tired - so I've been kind to this body this week - I stayed out of the gym for the week and I got a massage last night. Wednesday was the first day I tried ANYTHING, and I stuck to the 20 minute beginner workout on Bob Harper's Pure Strength DVD. Today I worked out alongside my new client and tomorrow I'm pondering a walk along the beach after my appointment with Christie.
I'm excited to share all of this with her...she's been huge in helping me through this. Along with peeps following along here, and of course on eDiets.
We all know I'm not happy with how my body feels where I am, but I am happy with how I'm learning to live again, and love what I do have. I love my strength, and I do love my overall health. I love that I'm learning to have some respect, and appreciate my full journey. It's hard, and as I've said sooooo many times before - I know there will still be times when I falter or may "backslide" a little...but this is substantial to me, I'm on a new path and it actually feels right instead of forced, and as always - progress, not perfection :)
Maybe, almost weightless :)
Saturday, December 18, 2010
I'm Still Here
I've been very successful the last few weeks in just BEING. I've not logged food or tracked calories or macros since Thanksgiving. I've had insanely good training sessions...but the past week or so I've been feeling extremely out of control. My weight had been fairly stable (and many will argue it still is) around 145 until the onset of my period when I bumped up 3lbs. Now three weeks later, essentially none of it has gone. With each day, the obsession over that grows, along with the sense that I need to DO something..."it's been long enough! it should come down! obviously you're doing something wrong. Fix it, less food, work harder..." blah blah blah...
I recognize that a) I don't know why it popped up and won't come down (well I know why it popped up, it's the won't come down part I don't know...), and b) this feeling today really is not about my weight but the general feeling of being out of control of my life, and wanting to control SOMETHING.
We found out we were taking another paycut at work, and when that came down and I still hadn't heard from the bank, I decided to take control of the situation and list my house for short sale. That decision felt freeing and brought a small sense of relief and closure to a situation that felt like it would never come to resolution. Just before the Realtor came to take pictures and get the house listed, the bank sent me a letter and denied my modification. So today I really have no idea what's going to happen with it...I have no control of what the bank might do, or how things are going to work out, I just have to trust that right now in each moment I'm making the right decisions toward the future.
I do recognize this feeling though. This is the tightest, most squeezed, feeling most "captive" point...the point where I feel all of the tension about "what's to come" and not knowing and a lot of fear...I know pushing through this there will be a release on the other side, there will be that moment of freedom when I can run out with my arms outstretched, I know that all of this will ultimately lead to a big growth spurt and new opportunities and all around good things. RIght here on the precipice I know the only way to escape is to jump, but it still looks like a huge jump with no net...Really I wish I had someone to jump with me, but...I've done this before, I just need to stay the course.
In our last session (the one before today), we talked about not giving yourself the 'leftovers." She said (summarizing) 'you spend so much time running around trying to put out fire after fire, to fix that, and make this right, and make that better, and help this person and do this over here...that by the time you get around to you you expect YOURSELF to run on autopilot. No attention, no self care necessary. You essentially look at yourself and say "hey, really? you can't just work on autopilot? Really? I have to pay attention to YOU TOO? what is WRONG with you?"
Today when I saw her, she reminded me of that. She said now, more than ever, I cannot give myself just the leftovers.
I recognize that a) I don't know why it popped up and won't come down (well I know why it popped up, it's the won't come down part I don't know...), and b) this feeling today really is not about my weight but the general feeling of being out of control of my life, and wanting to control SOMETHING.
We found out we were taking another paycut at work, and when that came down and I still hadn't heard from the bank, I decided to take control of the situation and list my house for short sale. That decision felt freeing and brought a small sense of relief and closure to a situation that felt like it would never come to resolution. Just before the Realtor came to take pictures and get the house listed, the bank sent me a letter and denied my modification. So today I really have no idea what's going to happen with it...I have no control of what the bank might do, or how things are going to work out, I just have to trust that right now in each moment I'm making the right decisions toward the future.
I do recognize this feeling though. This is the tightest, most squeezed, feeling most "captive" point...the point where I feel all of the tension about "what's to come" and not knowing and a lot of fear...I know pushing through this there will be a release on the other side, there will be that moment of freedom when I can run out with my arms outstretched, I know that all of this will ultimately lead to a big growth spurt and new opportunities and all around good things. RIght here on the precipice I know the only way to escape is to jump, but it still looks like a huge jump with no net...Really I wish I had someone to jump with me, but...I've done this before, I just need to stay the course.
In our last session (the one before today), we talked about not giving yourself the 'leftovers." She said (summarizing) 'you spend so much time running around trying to put out fire after fire, to fix that, and make this right, and make that better, and help this person and do this over here...that by the time you get around to you you expect YOURSELF to run on autopilot. No attention, no self care necessary. You essentially look at yourself and say "hey, really? you can't just work on autopilot? Really? I have to pay attention to YOU TOO? what is WRONG with you?"
Today when I saw her, she reminded me of that. She said now, more than ever, I cannot give myself just the leftovers.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Many Thanks
Thanksgiving morning I went to the gym for my regular Deadlift training session. There I ran into a woman who I hadn't seen in a few months. When I had spoken to her a few months back, she was new to the gym and she was definitely having a hard time with some things, she asked me a few questions here and there. Super nice and I thought she was going to do great, she was consistent and trying hard...anyway she disappeared.
Thursday when I saw her she came right up to me and said hello, I was really happy to see her :) I remarked that I hadn't seen her in a while, and she briefly told me that she had found a lump in her breast and then about all the tests and the procedures and ultimately she had surgery to have it removed. I asked her if she was ok, did she have to have chemo or radiation or anything and she said no - they got it all in surgery. And then she said, "so it's taken a while for me to recover enough to get back here, and now I'm just...(long pause here...and then she cried)...enormous!" Which, she wasn't..but whatever...WOW.
From the depths of my heart I wanted to just wrap my arms around her and give her a huge hug (I didn't, semi-stranger and all), but instead told her how much that SOOOOO didn't matter, that she's healthyand safe now and it's ok to build back to things slowly, and what a wonderful Thanksgiving gift! She cried some more because her foot was hurt somehow too and she couldn't squat, and she just felt *completely defeated*. It was all over her face and in her eyes...it was heartbreaking. We talked a bit longer, she stopped crying, and she resolved to just start slow and try again and she wandered off. She didn't stay very long, maybe 20 minutes total and she left.
To make this about me (nice, right?) - I welled up tremendously on the inside when she came out with "enormous," it was honestly the last thing I expected to hear. I never believed more strongly than in that moment that the weight didn't matter, that she was healthy and not suffering through radiation or having chemicals all injected into her body. I'm trying to articulate something here that I'm having a hard time finding words for, so bear with me...
It was like anytime I had tried to say that before - whether to myself or to someone else, was in comparison, a total flat out downright lie. The power with which I felt that at that moment was immense, and if THAT is the measure I have to go by, then I can't possibly have ever believed it until right then. Does that make sense?
I felt small for the tremendous worry I've put into what amounts to somewhere between 6 and 10 pounds. This year has been hard for me and I've gotten way too caught up in the negative, so what with the finances, the cut and pay...I still can still eat and drive and have a roof. So what about the bank and the fucked up mortgage stuff, and so what to alllll of it - I am healthy and my friends and family are healthy and safe and despite the struggles, I really have so much to be thankful for and there is nothing REALLY wrong....
In that moment I realized that I really need to do a better job of getting my head out of my ass on a daily basis. And I've known that, and I've felt that before, but never quite so profoundly as I did Thursday. I know others have had moments like this...and even have shared them with me. Maybe not about weight or whatever, but general worry about things like jobs, economy, etc - worry followed by the realization of what really COULD be wrong, and a recognition (or re-remembrance of) what is important.
What COULD be wrong is someone that I care about could be very ill or dying. And thankfully right now, that is not the case. So in the face of nothing less than that - I should be strong and forever thankful for health and general well-being...the health of my family and friends and the health of myself.
For me, it finally connected, all of it. What's important. It's weird it came not from my mom's 5yr cancer all-clear, or a while back from a personal story a close friend shared with me about a health scare in their own family - but from what amounts to essentially a stranger. I'm not sure if it was because of the day, if it was because the time was just right, who knows why...but it did, and I'm sooooo grateful for that.
So I went into the rest of the day "light." I had no worries, I had no plan! What would I need to plan for? Really...I had a wonderful invitation to enjoy the day with RC's family, and that's all I needed to know and do :) I simply had every intention of enjoying that time, and I did :) And I can't say enough how wonderful it was to be welcomed into someone elses family that day when mine was so far away. And on THE day when all of this came together for me. What's important....oh here come the tears :) But happy ones :) Did I mention RC's mom? She's a shining bright light :)
Anyway - again the day with RC and his family was beautiful. We ate a million courses before the main meal, I enjoyed a little bit of wine, and a little of everything I wanted. After dinner we went for a short walk, then came back in a bit later for dessert. Which was plentiful, and included in addition to the traditional pie choices, also a birthday cake for RC's wife AND chocolate chip cookies for RC, hahah. I had THOSE, OMG yum. Two :)
I came home just filled with lots of thoughts, a lot of joy, a lot of 'lightness' despite the food..really I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. Interestingly, I was down a half a pound the next day.
I've been able to carry this lightness with me all weekend. I met the guy for coffee turned lunch on Friday, and Saturday we had dinner out. So three days in a row...I've eaten what I've wanted and foods that aren't "normal" to me. I haven't logged a single calorie or figured any macros since Wednesday. I'm listening, trusting, and feeling, and find I'm getting so much better at knowing both hunger and satiety and I can feel some of the fear leaving as that improves...more lightness. Today even after a very rich meal last night, I'm down yet another half pound (obviously I'm still weighing myself daily)...but beyond that though I feel lighter in just BEING, I feel strong, and I feel more joyful. I really enjoyed the beach yesterday...honestly it may sound crazy cheesy but I just see things slightly differently.
Maybe I've finally made my first full step towards truly living weightless :)
Thursday when I saw her she came right up to me and said hello, I was really happy to see her :) I remarked that I hadn't seen her in a while, and she briefly told me that she had found a lump in her breast and then about all the tests and the procedures and ultimately she had surgery to have it removed. I asked her if she was ok, did she have to have chemo or radiation or anything and she said no - they got it all in surgery. And then she said, "so it's taken a while for me to recover enough to get back here, and now I'm just...(long pause here...and then she cried)...enormous!" Which, she wasn't..but whatever...WOW.
From the depths of my heart I wanted to just wrap my arms around her and give her a huge hug (I didn't, semi-stranger and all), but instead told her how much that SOOOOO didn't matter, that she's healthyand safe now and it's ok to build back to things slowly, and what a wonderful Thanksgiving gift! She cried some more because her foot was hurt somehow too and she couldn't squat, and she just felt *completely defeated*. It was all over her face and in her eyes...it was heartbreaking. We talked a bit longer, she stopped crying, and she resolved to just start slow and try again and she wandered off. She didn't stay very long, maybe 20 minutes total and she left.
To make this about me (nice, right?) - I welled up tremendously on the inside when she came out with "enormous," it was honestly the last thing I expected to hear. I never believed more strongly than in that moment that the weight didn't matter, that she was healthy and not suffering through radiation or having chemicals all injected into her body. I'm trying to articulate something here that I'm having a hard time finding words for, so bear with me...
It was like anytime I had tried to say that before - whether to myself or to someone else, was in comparison, a total flat out downright lie. The power with which I felt that at that moment was immense, and if THAT is the measure I have to go by, then I can't possibly have ever believed it until right then. Does that make sense?
I felt small for the tremendous worry I've put into what amounts to somewhere between 6 and 10 pounds. This year has been hard for me and I've gotten way too caught up in the negative, so what with the finances, the cut and pay...I still can still eat and drive and have a roof. So what about the bank and the fucked up mortgage stuff, and so what to alllll of it - I am healthy and my friends and family are healthy and safe and despite the struggles, I really have so much to be thankful for and there is nothing REALLY wrong....
In that moment I realized that I really need to do a better job of getting my head out of my ass on a daily basis. And I've known that, and I've felt that before, but never quite so profoundly as I did Thursday. I know others have had moments like this...and even have shared them with me. Maybe not about weight or whatever, but general worry about things like jobs, economy, etc - worry followed by the realization of what really COULD be wrong, and a recognition (or re-remembrance of) what is important.
What COULD be wrong is someone that I care about could be very ill or dying. And thankfully right now, that is not the case. So in the face of nothing less than that - I should be strong and forever thankful for health and general well-being...the health of my family and friends and the health of myself.
For me, it finally connected, all of it. What's important. It's weird it came not from my mom's 5yr cancer all-clear, or a while back from a personal story a close friend shared with me about a health scare in their own family - but from what amounts to essentially a stranger. I'm not sure if it was because of the day, if it was because the time was just right, who knows why...but it did, and I'm sooooo grateful for that.
So I went into the rest of the day "light." I had no worries, I had no plan! What would I need to plan for? Really...I had a wonderful invitation to enjoy the day with RC's family, and that's all I needed to know and do :) I simply had every intention of enjoying that time, and I did :) And I can't say enough how wonderful it was to be welcomed into someone elses family that day when mine was so far away. And on THE day when all of this came together for me. What's important....oh here come the tears :) But happy ones :) Did I mention RC's mom? She's a shining bright light :)
Anyway - again the day with RC and his family was beautiful. We ate a million courses before the main meal, I enjoyed a little bit of wine, and a little of everything I wanted. After dinner we went for a short walk, then came back in a bit later for dessert. Which was plentiful, and included in addition to the traditional pie choices, also a birthday cake for RC's wife AND chocolate chip cookies for RC, hahah. I had THOSE, OMG yum. Two :)
I came home just filled with lots of thoughts, a lot of joy, a lot of 'lightness' despite the food..really I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. Interestingly, I was down a half a pound the next day.
I've been able to carry this lightness with me all weekend. I met the guy for coffee turned lunch on Friday, and Saturday we had dinner out. So three days in a row...I've eaten what I've wanted and foods that aren't "normal" to me. I haven't logged a single calorie or figured any macros since Wednesday. I'm listening, trusting, and feeling, and find I'm getting so much better at knowing both hunger and satiety and I can feel some of the fear leaving as that improves...more lightness. Today even after a very rich meal last night, I'm down yet another half pound (obviously I'm still weighing myself daily)...but beyond that though I feel lighter in just BEING, I feel strong, and I feel more joyful. I really enjoyed the beach yesterday...honestly it may sound crazy cheesy but I just see things slightly differently.
Maybe I've finally made my first full step towards truly living weightless :)
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Laying the Foundation
I guess I'm looking at the past week or so as building the new foundation for myself...last week with all of the food and the meet I walked away feeling like my body really DOES know what it needs, and I CAN listen...I just have to be open to it. And I have to be open to it more than just once every few months come meet time....imagine a whole training period of doing it right and how the NEXT meet day will be?!
I CAN imagine it, especially after this one...and I'm up for the challenge. T-minus 10 weeks and counting till the next one. Lots of time to practice and get this right. A few bricks have been layed in the right direction.
I had an appointment with Christie today...we talked about the few days before the meet, the meet, after the meet...hahah...all about food. We talked about the realizations I'd had from the meet about the amount of food I probably need, but we also talked about last night at my last meal with my parents - I found another piece of the puzzle.
Disclaimer: if anyone's view of food is more skewed than mine, it's my dad's ;)
So we're at dinner. I had ordered a grilled mahi-mahi with veggies and a baked potato. He'd ordered fried clams, potato wedges and cole slaw, and an appetizer of clam chowder. He's about half way through his chowdah (correct spelling ;) and makes his very typical announcement, "well I'm full" as he takes another bite and then another. Then he tells me he doesn't really need to eat very much, really he needs very little and could eat just once a day, but he was raised that you always finish what's on your plate no matter what, so he just can't stop.
Sure dad. I proceeded to remind him he was an adult, and his mother was 2,000 miles away, and if he REALLY was full, to stop eating, no one here would shove it down his throat. Which he protested and couldn't do. He finished the chowdah, then his meal came and he finished almost all of it (few potato wedges left), continuing to make comments now and then about being forced his whole life to finish what's on his plate regardless of satiety.
And somehow this was a "click" moment for me. My Dad doesn't know when he's satisfied. I don't think he even knows when he's stuffed.
I've come pretty far in recognizing when I'm hungry, and I've been working on eating when I'm hungry too (but if I'm being honest I've done a crappy job at it..I essentially throw my hunger a bone and try to be all conservative..like "oh...I'm hungry, ok I think I'll have a rice cake, that'll do the trick!"), and I know from my experience last weekend that I can recognize (*when I actually eat enough*) when I'm satisfied, and that I can stop eating before I get over full. But the catch is, on a day to day basis - I never give myself that opportunity to get fully satisfied (and stop eating!) because I prepare meals that are a certain size or portion, and that's it.
This right here [--------] is my meal. And that's it. When it's gone, I'm "satisfied", because that's the portion I prepared and because at some point along the way THAT was the right portion for weight loss. "Satisfied" in this case really simply means "done," satisfied or not! It's when I stop eating because THAT is the portion, not necessarily because I've had enough to eat. And while I've been trying to eat between meals when I'm hungry - maybe it's more that I shouldn't be hungry between meals (hahah...ding ding ding!).
So I don't really know what satisified feels like on a regular day-to-day basis...I eat to a point where I'm no longer ravenous, but never to the point where I feel really good and sated.
Today's work then has been preparing larger portions than "usual" and practicing eating until I'm satisfied. Which so far has been kind of scary (trust!) but going ok. This evening I feel like some of my energy is coming back...I was pretty wiped earlier in the day.
This is allll testing my tolerance but also probably proving a point...since I went back to work and working out and more of a "regimented" eating plan (and resultant lower calories) my weight has gone up (eat less, weigh more! :P) to almost 148....reaaaallly pushing it and honestly it stresses me out and makes it very hard to trust and not restrict restrict restrict. But I'm pushing through it, and feeling better is a big help.
Writing this all out I feel a bit like an idiot..like it's all a lot of "duhhh," but at least I'm finally piecing the "duhhh" together and trying to act on it :)
It's important that I get this right! I want to be strong! And healthy! And not neurotic! Or at least, less neurotic ;) Dave sent me my new training parameters and has upped my maxes for the next meet to 205 squat (!), 125 bench, and 325 (!) deadlift. That means all of the weights I'll be training with have increased as well since they are based off a percent of max, so it's ramping up fast. Gotta get this.
I CAN imagine it, especially after this one...and I'm up for the challenge. T-minus 10 weeks and counting till the next one. Lots of time to practice and get this right. A few bricks have been layed in the right direction.
I had an appointment with Christie today...we talked about the few days before the meet, the meet, after the meet...hahah...all about food. We talked about the realizations I'd had from the meet about the amount of food I probably need, but we also talked about last night at my last meal with my parents - I found another piece of the puzzle.
Disclaimer: if anyone's view of food is more skewed than mine, it's my dad's ;)
So we're at dinner. I had ordered a grilled mahi-mahi with veggies and a baked potato. He'd ordered fried clams, potato wedges and cole slaw, and an appetizer of clam chowder. He's about half way through his chowdah (correct spelling ;) and makes his very typical announcement, "well I'm full" as he takes another bite and then another. Then he tells me he doesn't really need to eat very much, really he needs very little and could eat just once a day, but he was raised that you always finish what's on your plate no matter what, so he just can't stop.
Sure dad. I proceeded to remind him he was an adult, and his mother was 2,000 miles away, and if he REALLY was full, to stop eating, no one here would shove it down his throat. Which he protested and couldn't do. He finished the chowdah, then his meal came and he finished almost all of it (few potato wedges left), continuing to make comments now and then about being forced his whole life to finish what's on his plate regardless of satiety.
And somehow this was a "click" moment for me. My Dad doesn't know when he's satisfied. I don't think he even knows when he's stuffed.
I've come pretty far in recognizing when I'm hungry, and I've been working on eating when I'm hungry too (but if I'm being honest I've done a crappy job at it..I essentially throw my hunger a bone and try to be all conservative..like "oh...I'm hungry, ok I think I'll have a rice cake, that'll do the trick!"), and I know from my experience last weekend that I can recognize (*when I actually eat enough*) when I'm satisfied, and that I can stop eating before I get over full. But the catch is, on a day to day basis - I never give myself that opportunity to get fully satisfied (and stop eating!) because I prepare meals that are a certain size or portion, and that's it.
This right here [--------] is my meal. And that's it. When it's gone, I'm "satisfied", because that's the portion I prepared and because at some point along the way THAT was the right portion for weight loss. "Satisfied" in this case really simply means "done," satisfied or not! It's when I stop eating because THAT is the portion, not necessarily because I've had enough to eat. And while I've been trying to eat between meals when I'm hungry - maybe it's more that I shouldn't be hungry between meals (hahah...ding ding ding!).
So I don't really know what satisified feels like on a regular day-to-day basis...I eat to a point where I'm no longer ravenous, but never to the point where I feel really good and sated.
Today's work then has been preparing larger portions than "usual" and practicing eating until I'm satisfied. Which so far has been kind of scary (trust!) but going ok. This evening I feel like some of my energy is coming back...I was pretty wiped earlier in the day.
This is allll testing my tolerance but also probably proving a point...since I went back to work and working out and more of a "regimented" eating plan (and resultant lower calories) my weight has gone up (eat less, weigh more! :P) to almost 148....reaaaallly pushing it and honestly it stresses me out and makes it very hard to trust and not restrict restrict restrict. But I'm pushing through it, and feeling better is a big help.
Writing this all out I feel a bit like an idiot..like it's all a lot of "duhhh," but at least I'm finally piecing the "duhhh" together and trying to act on it :)
It's important that I get this right! I want to be strong! And healthy! And not neurotic! Or at least, less neurotic ;) Dave sent me my new training parameters and has upped my maxes for the next meet to 205 squat (!), 125 bench, and 325 (!) deadlift. That means all of the weights I'll be training with have increased as well since they are based off a percent of max, so it's ramping up fast. Gotta get this.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Another Brick Down...
You know Sunday night I promised myself not to get on the scale on Monday morning after the insane food fest of the weekend. The thing about all that was that that I knew I wasn't overeating for what I needed to do on Sunday. I mean I would make different choices obviously on a regular basis, and the overall quantity probably needs to be less - but given what I weighed in at on Saturday, and what I weighed on Monday when I did not keep my promise to myself...I was shocked. I was only up 2.4lbs to 146.6 yesterday morning...I don't think that was fat either, some sodium from eating out every single meal and I think that's about it! And even today, after I spent the day basically on the sofa doing *nada*...just about the same as it was yesterday.
Trying not to overthink it(harder than you might think, hahah) but I keep going back to how much I ate this weekend vs a "regular" day for me, and wondering how much/if at all i am undereating on a regular basis. This shouldn't be so hard and I'm probably continuing to over think and over complicate it, so I need to stop - just putting these thoughts out there though.
Right now I'm just going to keep on the same path....
I wonder how long I need to keep proving to myself, over and over, that I can do this. As long as it takes I imagine. Another brick in the path has been laid...
Trying not to overthink it(harder than you might think, hahah) but I keep going back to how much I ate this weekend vs a "regular" day for me, and wondering how much/if at all i am undereating on a regular basis. This shouldn't be so hard and I'm probably continuing to over think and over complicate it, so I need to stop - just putting these thoughts out there though.
Right now I'm just going to keep on the same path....
I wonder how long I need to keep proving to myself, over and over, that I can do this. As long as it takes I imagine. Another brick in the path has been laid...
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
The Meet Approaches...
Ok here we are with less than 2 weeks to go! I'm getting that giddy kind of excited for this meet (and let's not play - the time off around it too)!
I've got 4 training sessions left between now and then and tomorrow is the LAST big deadlift day. The past few weeks I've had a tendency to lose my back positioning at the start of the lift, so tomorrow I really need to nail it. Myles suggested that it seems I've slightly altered my set-up, trying to arch and set the back and hold it while I grasp the bar where as before, I would bend over, grab the bar and THEN arch and set my back.
Usually by now I'm all going crazy with trying to figure out attempt selections, but I'm feeling confident in 5lb PRs across the board, with potential decisions to go for 10 depending on the look/feel of the 2nds.
That said...here's the tentative plan:
Squat: 170, 185, 195/200
Bench: 100, 110, 115/120
Deads: 270, 290, 315/320
With the 5lb gains across the board I'd hit a Total PR of 30lbs (the PR's from my last meet don't "count" since I bombed the bench) which would be HA-UUUUGE! But I believe I've got a 200lb squat in me today, and I know I've hit 122 in bench training *at least 3 times* so 120 is in there too. It's just going to be a matter of what I've got in the tank THAT DAY.
This meet will be live streamed on the net as have the others. I'm super stoked though that my parents won't be tuning in through the internet this time, they'll be there for all the live action! Hahah...probably much to their horror LOL ;)
As far as nutrition, weigh-ins, etc...I've been really good with my non-plan plan the past few weeks of only logging food at the end of the day, eating when I'm hungry, etc. My wt has *stabilized* (I say that begrudgingly, in all honesty) right around 145. I'm starting to feel anxious about that...like the voice in there is starting to get a little louder "you're too close it's too close" to the cut off (148) but I'm trying to stay focused on my overall health and feeling good and just being STRONG for the meet! What a concept. It's not that I don't GET the concept...I am still just not comfortable at this weight. I know, it will come...be patient, be gentle...it will come, right?
Right?! Repeating..."Everything I eat turns to health, beauty, strength and love."
I thought I ate really well before the last meet, RC says I still had a lot of room to improve. I should probably ask for some tips...
I can do this :)
Start the countdown...I'm bringin it, all of it this time - nothin' left out there!
I've got 4 training sessions left between now and then and tomorrow is the LAST big deadlift day. The past few weeks I've had a tendency to lose my back positioning at the start of the lift, so tomorrow I really need to nail it. Myles suggested that it seems I've slightly altered my set-up, trying to arch and set the back and hold it while I grasp the bar where as before, I would bend over, grab the bar and THEN arch and set my back.
Usually by now I'm all going crazy with trying to figure out attempt selections, but I'm feeling confident in 5lb PRs across the board, with potential decisions to go for 10 depending on the look/feel of the 2nds.
That said...here's the tentative plan:
Squat: 170, 185, 195/200
Bench: 100, 110, 115/120
Deads: 270, 290, 315/320
With the 5lb gains across the board I'd hit a Total PR of 30lbs (the PR's from my last meet don't "count" since I bombed the bench) which would be HA-UUUUGE! But I believe I've got a 200lb squat in me today, and I know I've hit 122 in bench training *at least 3 times* so 120 is in there too. It's just going to be a matter of what I've got in the tank THAT DAY.
This meet will be live streamed on the net as have the others. I'm super stoked though that my parents won't be tuning in through the internet this time, they'll be there for all the live action! Hahah...probably much to their horror LOL ;)
As far as nutrition, weigh-ins, etc...I've been really good with my non-plan plan the past few weeks of only logging food at the end of the day, eating when I'm hungry, etc. My wt has *stabilized* (I say that begrudgingly, in all honesty) right around 145. I'm starting to feel anxious about that...like the voice in there is starting to get a little louder "you're too close it's too close" to the cut off (148) but I'm trying to stay focused on my overall health and feeling good and just being STRONG for the meet! What a concept. It's not that I don't GET the concept...I am still just not comfortable at this weight. I know, it will come...be patient, be gentle...it will come, right?
Right?! Repeating..."Everything I eat turns to health, beauty, strength and love."
I thought I ate really well before the last meet, RC says I still had a lot of room to improve. I should probably ask for some tips...
I can do this :)
Start the countdown...I'm bringin it, all of it this time - nothin' left out there!
Sunday, October 17, 2010
One Step (or maybe two!) Forward...
Not even sure when I last wrote, but I feel like it's been a solid 2 weeks. And wow, hahah...I feel like so much has happened! I wish I could have kept up here. I'll try to keep it mostly to summary form, but some big stuff is changing in this crazy head of mine...
Training Updates
Last week I had my last skills evaluation before the meet and it went really well. Myles came over at 4:30 in the morning (he's nocturnal, LOL) and came along with me - it was awesome to have him there again. Didn't have to try to give myself commands, got some great cues...it was really good. I hit all my lifts (and didn't go beyond what I was supposed to do: squat x 185, bench x 116, deadlift x 300) and now the plotting begins for attempt selection at the meet (3 weeks from today)! That will be another update...
My folks will be coming for that meet, and then here for the rest of the week. Really looking forward to that visit too :)
Training (the other kind!) Updates
I got my first client with Bloom (which I'm even more behind in updating)!
Work/BodyImage/Eating Update #1
When I came home from ShopNBC I really felt like *phew* ok...I can DO this now. I have this period of time when I don't have to feel the pressure of "spokesperson" and I can do for me, work on this eating/image thing. I accepted that I needed a few new clothes because everything was too tight, and sitting in too tight clothes did nothing but remind me I wasn't where I wanted to be, and I couldn't focus on the things I needed. I had just gotten comfortable with the idea of just trying to listen to me and eat accordingly, and then BAM - our (ex!) PR firm landed me/my story in Health Magazine for the January issue and they wanted a photoshoot ASAP. It caused a lot of grief, and I went spiraling down into that abyss again when I had to go out for emergency clothing shopping.
Long story short, I had an awakening sort of moment...
Wednesday afternoon in Kim's office we were trying on all different combinations of outfits when she suddenly suggested I try the jeans she had on. The little.tiny.skinny.jeans she had on.
And it was like this MOMENT...how are these tiny little things on me, these things that fit HER? My body cannot be in THESE pants. But they were, I mean I couldn't deny it, and that was when I just thought how vastly different my image/perception/understanding of myself and my body and my SPACE are from reality.
Kim kind of beamed at me with a "See?!" look :)
I told Raphael about it later, still in shock. "But I look at Kim and I see SUPER TINY..." and he said, "and she IS super tiny!"
My perception of my overall *space* is just...skewed. A lot. I don't know how to bring them closer together, but until then I know I need to appreciate that my size/space/shape is not what it seems or feels to me.
(this is not so much a summary huh? ;)
Work/BodyImage/Eating Update #2
Friday late morning I started to feel *really low* Like head down on the desk exhausted. I wasn't "hungry" in a way that I recognized..I was just super tired. RC, smart man that he is :) says..."eat!" Hah...ahhh so simple ;) So I did. I went out to starbucks, grabbed a tall coffee and a slice of very-berry coffee cake. Got myself a comfy chair and reeeelaxxxed there for a spell. WOW...what a difference that made. I felt great after that!
When I first said I was tired, that's all I was....tired, low energy. I was definitely not feeling "hungry" in my tummy. But once I ate that little something extra, I got mad HUNGRY. I would eat and be hungry again within an hour. So I kept eating! Later in the day I felt sort of strange...well, different. My legs felt HAA-UUUGE and super hard/firm. Not bad, just different! They were solid though, I could feel it IN them, and also hard to the touch...kinda crazy.
Anyway, the hunger continued, it did not let up. At the end of the day yesterday I logged my food and I had consumed approximately 2300 cals, including almost 250g of carbs. I slept well, and when I woke up I just knew I was down...yup! Down from 144.6 to 144.0! Still hungry, but I feel fantastic :) My legs were still "hard," although not quite like Friday.
I think this was a breakthrough for me in eating and listening. Well it wasn't to start, since I still had to be "told" to eat...I missed some sort of cue there. But once the ball got rolling...I went with it.
Work/BodyImage/Eating Plan
I plan to continue with this again this week. Last week was all about journaling the food at the end of the day, and observing. No judging the numbers, just *observing* and just the facts. Separate from the clothing incidents - I was *really* good about the journaling this week & keeping the emotion (and fear) out of it...I logged at the end of the day and observed how I felt the next and what changes there were if any. So 2300 was what it was, and honestly I never at one point felt overstuffed and really just continued to feel better and better as the day went on, so it made it easier to just say ok...it is what it is!
Following this "plan" (as the extent of the plan is just logging at the end of the day), my weight went from a stupid high of 147.8 (Monday, after a day of accidentally undereating ~1100 cals) to a recent low of 143.4 today. I've also "listened" more and laid off thebeatings workouts a bit when I was feeling really tired and needed to rest.
Observation continues...I think this is all forward progress, and I feel good :)
Training Updates
Last week I had my last skills evaluation before the meet and it went really well. Myles came over at 4:30 in the morning (he's nocturnal, LOL) and came along with me - it was awesome to have him there again. Didn't have to try to give myself commands, got some great cues...it was really good. I hit all my lifts (and didn't go beyond what I was supposed to do: squat x 185, bench x 116, deadlift x 300) and now the plotting begins for attempt selection at the meet (3 weeks from today)! That will be another update...
My folks will be coming for that meet, and then here for the rest of the week. Really looking forward to that visit too :)
Training (the other kind!) Updates
I got my first client with Bloom (which I'm even more behind in updating)!
Work/BodyImage/Eating Update #1
When I came home from ShopNBC I really felt like *phew* ok...I can DO this now. I have this period of time when I don't have to feel the pressure of "spokesperson" and I can do for me, work on this eating/image thing. I accepted that I needed a few new clothes because everything was too tight, and sitting in too tight clothes did nothing but remind me I wasn't where I wanted to be, and I couldn't focus on the things I needed. I had just gotten comfortable with the idea of just trying to listen to me and eat accordingly, and then BAM - our (ex!) PR firm landed me/my story in Health Magazine for the January issue and they wanted a photoshoot ASAP. It caused a lot of grief, and I went spiraling down into that abyss again when I had to go out for emergency clothing shopping.
Long story short, I had an awakening sort of moment...
Wednesday afternoon in Kim's office we were trying on all different combinations of outfits when she suddenly suggested I try the jeans she had on. The little.tiny.skinny.jeans she had on.
And it was like this MOMENT...how are these tiny little things on me, these things that fit HER? My body cannot be in THESE pants. But they were, I mean I couldn't deny it, and that was when I just thought how vastly different my image/perception/understanding of myself and my body and my SPACE are from reality.
Kim kind of beamed at me with a "See?!" look :)
I told Raphael about it later, still in shock. "But I look at Kim and I see SUPER TINY..." and he said, "and she IS super tiny!"
My perception of my overall *space* is just...skewed. A lot. I don't know how to bring them closer together, but until then I know I need to appreciate that my size/space/shape is not what it seems or feels to me.
(this is not so much a summary huh? ;)
Work/BodyImage/Eating Update #2
Friday late morning I started to feel *really low* Like head down on the desk exhausted. I wasn't "hungry" in a way that I recognized..I was just super tired. RC, smart man that he is :) says..."eat!" Hah...ahhh so simple ;) So I did. I went out to starbucks, grabbed a tall coffee and a slice of very-berry coffee cake. Got myself a comfy chair and reeeelaxxxed there for a spell. WOW...what a difference that made. I felt great after that!
When I first said I was tired, that's all I was....tired, low energy. I was definitely not feeling "hungry" in my tummy. But once I ate that little something extra, I got mad HUNGRY. I would eat and be hungry again within an hour. So I kept eating! Later in the day I felt sort of strange...well, different. My legs felt HAA-UUUGE and super hard/firm. Not bad, just different! They were solid though, I could feel it IN them, and also hard to the touch...kinda crazy.
Anyway, the hunger continued, it did not let up. At the end of the day yesterday I logged my food and I had consumed approximately 2300 cals, including almost 250g of carbs. I slept well, and when I woke up I just knew I was down...yup! Down from 144.6 to 144.0! Still hungry, but I feel fantastic :) My legs were still "hard," although not quite like Friday.
I think this was a breakthrough for me in eating and listening. Well it wasn't to start, since I still had to be "told" to eat...I missed some sort of cue there. But once the ball got rolling...I went with it.
Work/BodyImage/Eating Plan
I plan to continue with this again this week. Last week was all about journaling the food at the end of the day, and observing. No judging the numbers, just *observing* and just the facts. Separate from the clothing incidents - I was *really* good about the journaling this week & keeping the emotion (and fear) out of it...I logged at the end of the day and observed how I felt the next and what changes there were if any. So 2300 was what it was, and honestly I never at one point felt overstuffed and really just continued to feel better and better as the day went on, so it made it easier to just say ok...it is what it is!
Following this "plan" (as the extent of the plan is just logging at the end of the day), my weight went from a stupid high of 147.8 (Monday, after a day of accidentally undereating ~1100 cals) to a recent low of 143.4 today. I've also "listened" more and laid off the
Observation continues...I think this is all forward progress, and I feel good :)
Monday, October 4, 2010
Less Work, More...Carbs?!
Ugh so this morning...hmmm...not such a hot workout. Not sure if maybe Saturday was too soon to get right back to it or what, but today I was sooo incredibly weak and not recovered enough from Saturday to have any business in the gym. My back was tight/sore still from Saturday and I could not hold a solid arch to squat.
I worked up to the 3 x 156 but bailed after that after barely putting that 3rd rep up. Didn't think going up further as the plan dictated would do me any good and I actually felt like I might hurt myself because I could just not hold a tight arch at all.
Bench wasn't much better - at least I did that full set, but I stopped after that and left the incline db presses and the remainder of the workout (including all assistance work and an entire other round of squats) for another day. I did at least get some cardio in after but even that was probably not smart.
It was hard to let go of the training, but when I reviewed the video I'd taken of my squats I thought about T and what she would tell me if she were training with me...she'd probably be like "WTF you've got nothing, cut this out" And if T were *really* there (rather than in my crazy, voices-hearing head!) she probably would have convinced me to leave it a little sooner than I actually did, and probably to skip the cardio too, but hey...small victories.
Anyway - I'm not sure I can convey the level of stress that I had leading up into last week - now that I'm through it I'm starting to feel the effects I think, so I'm well aware I need to play it smart this week. I wrote Myles and Dave and share this with them as well...I know it was the right thing.
To that end, I was STARVING today. I mean ravenous. And I've been trying to continue the "listen-then-eat" thing, and not stick so much to a "plan." And when Dorian asked me if I wanted to get out for lunch today, I heard the voice say "no you've got your food" but I also knew that I could be reasonable where she wanted to go and all would be OK, even if it wasn't 100% comparable to what I brought.
So off we went. And all day I felt perfectly comfortable with what I ate, even the tiny bit of FroYo (it was about a half serving..about 1/4 cup).
Now at the end of the day, logging everything just to see where I've ended...NOW the doubt sets in. So that makes no sense. My body was happy and satisfied with the choices I made earlier, no sense in questioning it now...theoretically, I LISTENED and I ate what I needed.
So...for the record, this morning after another total day off yesterday, I was 144.6
Today's food:
1570 cals
145g protein
171g carbs (this is of course what makes me nervous)
34g fat
Onward!
I worked up to the 3 x 156 but bailed after that after barely putting that 3rd rep up. Didn't think going up further as the plan dictated would do me any good and I actually felt like I might hurt myself because I could just not hold a tight arch at all.
Bench wasn't much better - at least I did that full set, but I stopped after that and left the incline db presses and the remainder of the workout (including all assistance work and an entire other round of squats) for another day. I did at least get some cardio in after but even that was probably not smart.
It was hard to let go of the training, but when I reviewed the video I'd taken of my squats I thought about T and what she would tell me if she were training with me...she'd probably be like "WTF you've got nothing, cut this out" And if T were *really* there (rather than in my crazy, voices-hearing head!) she probably would have convinced me to leave it a little sooner than I actually did, and probably to skip the cardio too, but hey...small victories.
Anyway - I'm not sure I can convey the level of stress that I had leading up into last week - now that I'm through it I'm starting to feel the effects I think, so I'm well aware I need to play it smart this week. I wrote Myles and Dave and share this with them as well...I know it was the right thing.
To that end, I was STARVING today. I mean ravenous. And I've been trying to continue the "listen-then-eat" thing, and not stick so much to a "plan." And when Dorian asked me if I wanted to get out for lunch today, I heard the voice say "no you've got your food" but I also knew that I could be reasonable where she wanted to go and all would be OK, even if it wasn't 100% comparable to what I brought.
So off we went. And all day I felt perfectly comfortable with what I ate, even the tiny bit of FroYo (it was about a half serving..about 1/4 cup).
Now at the end of the day, logging everything just to see where I've ended...NOW the doubt sets in. So that makes no sense. My body was happy and satisfied with the choices I made earlier, no sense in questioning it now...theoretically, I LISTENED and I ate what I needed.
So...for the record, this morning after another total day off yesterday, I was 144.6
Today's food:
1570 cals
145g protein
171g carbs (this is of course what makes me nervous)
34g fat
Onward!
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Three Days Off
It's been *forever* since I've had more than one complete day off. The trip this week sort of forced it - I hit some cardio on Tuesday morning (1st day of the trip), but with the migraine and total lack of sleep anything beyond that was not a good idea.
I got home at almost midnight on Thursday night and while I had planned on getting back to my training on Friday, I decided that wasn't a good idea when I woke up with a very tired body.
I was initially worried about that choice, since I'm only 5 weeks out from the meet, but then I realized that's precisely why I should probably sit it out. I could do my deadlift saturday and start with the new week of training on Monday, and I'd be out one workout total. Not bad...so after I worked that all through I felt better about it.
I definitely made the right decision - napped some yesterday, then went to bed around 10pm and slept in until 8 this morning! EIGHT?! It's usually a banner day if if I can make it to 6:30 or 7, 8 is unheard of! I went in this morning for my deadlift/bench workout and it was solid....three days off with a lot of hearty eating paid off, felt really strong and good :) I skipped cardio ;)
Still, I came home and napped - definitely still recovering from last week and all the crazyness leading up to it!
My weight dropped from 146.8 yesterday to 144.2 this morning (that's some crack right there, wtf?). Today I continued to eat without a plan and while the calories were a bit higher (1685), I came out about the same ratios as yesterday (40/35/25). I had lots of good stuff - blueberries and strawberries, oatmeal, yogurt, pork chop, and another square of ancho chile pepper infused dark chocolate - mmmm.
I got home at almost midnight on Thursday night and while I had planned on getting back to my training on Friday, I decided that wasn't a good idea when I woke up with a very tired body.
I was initially worried about that choice, since I'm only 5 weeks out from the meet, but then I realized that's precisely why I should probably sit it out. I could do my deadlift saturday and start with the new week of training on Monday, and I'd be out one workout total. Not bad...so after I worked that all through I felt better about it.
I definitely made the right decision - napped some yesterday, then went to bed around 10pm and slept in until 8 this morning! EIGHT?! It's usually a banner day if if I can make it to 6:30 or 7, 8 is unheard of! I went in this morning for my deadlift/bench workout and it was solid....three days off with a lot of hearty eating paid off, felt really strong and good :) I skipped cardio ;)
Still, I came home and napped - definitely still recovering from last week and all the crazyness leading up to it!
My weight dropped from 146.8 yesterday to 144.2 this morning (that's some crack right there, wtf?). Today I continued to eat without a plan and while the calories were a bit higher (1685), I came out about the same ratios as yesterday (40/35/25). I had lots of good stuff - blueberries and strawberries, oatmeal, yogurt, pork chop, and another square of ancho chile pepper infused dark chocolate - mmmm.
Friday, October 1, 2010
And then there was the food...
Because of the schedule, the travel, and the social side of things - I knew eating on this trip would be challenging for me. I'd been trying to sort of psyche myself up for it, it got hard when my weight went up from my little meal last Saturday night.
I purposefully did not weigh myself before I left, at the recommendation/strong urging of RC - common sense knew that pretty much no matter what it said I would not be happy with it and also that it didn't matter - I had the job to do. I ate my normal meals leading up to my departure time on Monday, but found myself STARVING within only about 90 minutes of that last meal, which I wasn't ready for - it was surprising. RC texted me "eat what you need to eat." Right right...that common sense thing.
So I put all the "rules" aside and tried to live this week in that way. It was easier to do with little to no structure to the days, and also knowing that there were going to be loonnnnng periods of time between being able to eat.
I ended up eating nearly every meal out, and I ended up eating pretty much just 3 meals a day (versus 6). They were big meals, definitely more rich in carbs and fat than I would normally choose. Also obviously the sodium was higher (since we were out). Both Tues and Weds night out we shared two desserts between the four of us, and Wedsnesday night I had a small glass of wine with dinner.
I found myself really hungry by the time we ate the next meal, despite the previous meal being large. I was fearful each morning of how my clothes would fit, but they continued to fit fine (well, the same as they had been prior to traveling).
This morning I debated staying off the scale completely, particularly because of all days - yesterday was the "worst." It was not bad, but relatively speaking, I ate quite "poorly." I had a large breakfast before leaving for the studio (half egg white, half egg veggie omelet w/light cheese, huge slice of toast with peanut butter, some strawberries, walnuts, and a small blueberry muffin). At the airport for lunch I had a cheeseburger and fries. I ate the entire burger (and bun) and maybe half (maybe not quite) of the fries. I got one ancho chile/dark chocolate truffle from a gourmet chocolate store and enjoyed that with a coffee while I waited for my flight. In Atlanta when I was trapped for dinner but couldn't go very far from the gate, I wound up with a grilled chicken sandwich form Chik-Fil-A - I ate the bun again and I grabbed a small cone of Freshens "Tart Yogurt" frozen yogurt. So three squares and that was it - but really...pretty far outside the norm for me.
Anyway, shockingly (hah), I did NOT stay off the scale this morning. I was totally surprised to see my weight exactly as it was last Sunday. To the decimal place - 146.8
I'm not sure why, but I had already been contemplating all of this long before i stepped on the scale this morning. Just the difference in the eating and how I was feeling and how my clothes were fitting - how that didn't change dramatically during the week. Wednesday night after the two shows - two shows of talking about how important it is to not feel deprived, to enjoy your food, to allow yourself variety (and the entire time being fully aware of the irony of my statements), and following my dinner meal of Poached Pear & Gorgonzola Salad and a faaaabulous pork loin dish that was absolutely drown in oil or butter or some sort of sauce, a glass of wine and several bites of dessert...I fleetingly thought "I can do this."
And then I got home and I see that I DID do it.
On the other hand I was relieved and happy to be back to "normal" today. It's interesting though because I didn't go completely normal - I went with what felt good but with more normal food choices. I logged it all just now, after the fact, and I came in at 1524 calories with 40% protein, 35% carbs, 25% fat (including one square of an extremely dark chocolate bar w/ chile pepper). Which is interesting, because like the week, overall it's carbier and fattier than "normal" for me.
No conclusions, no big declarations to make - just observing and feeling and trying to stay connected to me.
Back to training tomorrow :)
I purposefully did not weigh myself before I left, at the recommendation/strong urging of RC - common sense knew that pretty much no matter what it said I would not be happy with it and also that it didn't matter - I had the job to do. I ate my normal meals leading up to my departure time on Monday, but found myself STARVING within only about 90 minutes of that last meal, which I wasn't ready for - it was surprising. RC texted me "eat what you need to eat." Right right...that common sense thing.
So I put all the "rules" aside and tried to live this week in that way. It was easier to do with little to no structure to the days, and also knowing that there were going to be loonnnnng periods of time between being able to eat.
I ended up eating nearly every meal out, and I ended up eating pretty much just 3 meals a day (versus 6). They were big meals, definitely more rich in carbs and fat than I would normally choose. Also obviously the sodium was higher (since we were out). Both Tues and Weds night out we shared two desserts between the four of us, and Wedsnesday night I had a small glass of wine with dinner.
I found myself really hungry by the time we ate the next meal, despite the previous meal being large. I was fearful each morning of how my clothes would fit, but they continued to fit fine (well, the same as they had been prior to traveling).
This morning I debated staying off the scale completely, particularly because of all days - yesterday was the "worst." It was not bad, but relatively speaking, I ate quite "poorly." I had a large breakfast before leaving for the studio (half egg white, half egg veggie omelet w/light cheese, huge slice of toast with peanut butter, some strawberries, walnuts, and a small blueberry muffin). At the airport for lunch I had a cheeseburger and fries. I ate the entire burger (and bun) and maybe half (maybe not quite) of the fries. I got one ancho chile/dark chocolate truffle from a gourmet chocolate store and enjoyed that with a coffee while I waited for my flight. In Atlanta when I was trapped for dinner but couldn't go very far from the gate, I wound up with a grilled chicken sandwich form Chik-Fil-A - I ate the bun again and I grabbed a small cone of Freshens "Tart Yogurt" frozen yogurt. So three squares and that was it - but really...pretty far outside the norm for me.
Anyway, shockingly (hah), I did NOT stay off the scale this morning. I was totally surprised to see my weight exactly as it was last Sunday. To the decimal place - 146.8
I'm not sure why, but I had already been contemplating all of this long before i stepped on the scale this morning. Just the difference in the eating and how I was feeling and how my clothes were fitting - how that didn't change dramatically during the week. Wednesday night after the two shows - two shows of talking about how important it is to not feel deprived, to enjoy your food, to allow yourself variety (and the entire time being fully aware of the irony of my statements), and following my dinner meal of Poached Pear & Gorgonzola Salad and a faaaabulous pork loin dish that was absolutely drown in oil or butter or some sort of sauce, a glass of wine and several bites of dessert...I fleetingly thought "I can do this."
And then I got home and I see that I DID do it.
On the other hand I was relieved and happy to be back to "normal" today. It's interesting though because I didn't go completely normal - I went with what felt good but with more normal food choices. I logged it all just now, after the fact, and I came in at 1524 calories with 40% protein, 35% carbs, 25% fat (including one square of an extremely dark chocolate bar w/ chile pepper). Which is interesting, because like the week, overall it's carbier and fattier than "normal" for me.
No conclusions, no big declarations to make - just observing and feeling and trying to stay connected to me.
Back to training tomorrow :)
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Catching Up
I do hope that I can get back to this more than once a week at some point soon!
Wanted to hop in and catch up, lots going on these days...
Between trying to get Bloom Fitness up and running, training, and my regular day job - I've been burning the candle, as they say...
Training updates: new bench PR, solid paused rep (twice!) at 122lbs! I think that was Wednesday. Friday I had a *terrible* workout, i was exhausted and I had just nothing to give.
I have this TV thing coming up in 10 days - I tried to just trust and go with it and keep things as Christie asked me too, but I was not.losing and I have to for this. It's my job, and not only that but for ME to feel confident up there, I need to be comfortable in my skin. So I felt like I had no choice...consulted with RC on Tuesday and we changed things up a bit. I had been hitting 1500-1550/day with a ratio of about 40/40/20 but it had my carbs up way high..higher than I was comfortable with to begin with, but I was trying to trust that it would be ok. Basically took my carbs and my protein and swapped 'em (not quite), and carbs are down to about 140g/day instead of the 170 where they were (!!). Protein came up a bit and calories dropped by a total of only about 50/day. So since Tuesday I'm down 2 pounds after an initial loss, 3 day stall, and finally a loss this morning.
I'd like to hit it closer to 140 (who am I kidding - ideal would be 137ish), but...with my time frame that's not going to happen. I noticed the hit to energy immediately and in a big way, buuuut...for now I'm just pushing through. 10 more days, I can do it.
Relatedly - wednesday's workout this coming week should be interesting. It's the "Skills Evaluation" for this new training program I've been following, we'll see how much my strength is affected with this deficit I guess. This isn't ideal, but I shouldn't have gained so much to begin with. The plan now is to get down and STAY down (as if that hasn't been the plan all along) - so done done done with these wild swings. Once I get under that 140 that's IT - seriously. It won't go like this ever again, trust, no trust - whatever. I just can't.
Also on that note, I AM proud of me today because I am taking an off day. Given how fatigued I was on Friday and yesterday, even though part of me wanted to say "suck it up, there's wt to lose before 9/29!" I have, so far, abstained from exercise. I MAY hit up some yoga later, but just for restorative purposes (shoulders, hips especially).
Wanted to hop in and catch up, lots going on these days...
Between trying to get Bloom Fitness up and running, training, and my regular day job - I've been burning the candle, as they say...
Training updates: new bench PR, solid paused rep (twice!) at 122lbs! I think that was Wednesday. Friday I had a *terrible* workout, i was exhausted and I had just nothing to give.
I have this TV thing coming up in 10 days - I tried to just trust and go with it and keep things as Christie asked me too, but I was not.losing and I have to for this. It's my job, and not only that but for ME to feel confident up there, I need to be comfortable in my skin. So I felt like I had no choice...consulted with RC on Tuesday and we changed things up a bit. I had been hitting 1500-1550/day with a ratio of about 40/40/20 but it had my carbs up way high..higher than I was comfortable with to begin with, but I was trying to trust that it would be ok. Basically took my carbs and my protein and swapped 'em (not quite), and carbs are down to about 140g/day instead of the 170 where they were (!!). Protein came up a bit and calories dropped by a total of only about 50/day. So since Tuesday I'm down 2 pounds after an initial loss, 3 day stall, and finally a loss this morning.
I'd like to hit it closer to 140 (who am I kidding - ideal would be 137ish), but...with my time frame that's not going to happen. I noticed the hit to energy immediately and in a big way, buuuut...for now I'm just pushing through. 10 more days, I can do it.
Relatedly - wednesday's workout this coming week should be interesting. It's the "Skills Evaluation" for this new training program I've been following, we'll see how much my strength is affected with this deficit I guess. This isn't ideal, but I shouldn't have gained so much to begin with. The plan now is to get down and STAY down (as if that hasn't been the plan all along) - so done done done with these wild swings. Once I get under that 140 that's IT - seriously. It won't go like this ever again, trust, no trust - whatever. I just can't.
Also on that note, I AM proud of me today because I am taking an off day. Given how fatigued I was on Friday and yesterday, even though part of me wanted to say "suck it up, there's wt to lose before 9/29!" I have, so far, abstained from exercise. I MAY hit up some yoga later, but just for restorative purposes (shoulders, hips especially).
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Busy...
I'm so slacking here and I'm feeling like a total slacker not keeping up but...really it's just been a whirlwind few weeks!
My training continues, that is still on track. It's just been the time to get here and write it up, upload the videos, etc...not so much of that has been happening. I'd like to say that I'm making progress, and in some ways I think i very much am, but in other ways - I just plain don't know.
I emailed Dave last week (I think? Right now it all runs together) and asked how we measure progress with this training approach - how do we know it's working? No real answer...which of course makes me rather nervous. What I have found is that I don't feel this is a very balanced program, and so I've adapted it a little to better suit my needs. I understand the concept of training specificity, but I do believe there's a time and a place to for accessory/assistance work. I also strongly believe that no one program is a one-size-fits-all program, and some adaptation is necessary. I guess I was hoping that he would help me with that, but...
The bank/mortgage fiasco continues. Last week I made an attempt to get help from NACA and that totally failed for reasons that I really can't even get into without completely losing my mind and inciting myself into a bit of a rage ;)
Work is crazy busy and with this big event coming up at the end of September I do feel like it's time to kick up the wt loss...I've been trying to stay centered and calm about it but the time is ticking away now and I've made no progress since my initial loss from dropping the cals. Which...I dunno..that drop was probably solely related to stress relief not so much the calories and well..maybe that's why now I'm not losing. But at this point, I've got not even quite 3 weeks, I'd like at least 5 to go and ideally like 8 to 10 but I know that's not realistic :( So tired of this :( I've not dropped calories further from where I did a few weeks ago, and I have finally worked the macros over to those that Christie suggested (40/40/20) - so I AM learning that my body can trust the carbs (cuz holy cow I don't remember the last time i was on like 170-175g!). It still all takes constant thought and intention...if I don't plan and plan and plan and keep it at the forefront of my mind, my cals (carbs specifically) drop.
Had a conversation with my counselor (the other one, not Christie) yesterday about what defines "recovery." She says it's not that these thoughts will ever really fully go away, but they become less intense, and they don't determine my behavior and drive my choices.
Ok then.
Otherwise, things are going along. I'm slightly sleepless again these days, but doing pretty well with that.
I may have some news to share in the next week or so :) Well I will have news, the maybe part is when I can share it :)
My training continues, that is still on track. It's just been the time to get here and write it up, upload the videos, etc...not so much of that has been happening. I'd like to say that I'm making progress, and in some ways I think i very much am, but in other ways - I just plain don't know.
I emailed Dave last week (I think? Right now it all runs together) and asked how we measure progress with this training approach - how do we know it's working? No real answer...which of course makes me rather nervous. What I have found is that I don't feel this is a very balanced program, and so I've adapted it a little to better suit my needs. I understand the concept of training specificity, but I do believe there's a time and a place to for accessory/assistance work. I also strongly believe that no one program is a one-size-fits-all program, and some adaptation is necessary. I guess I was hoping that he would help me with that, but...
The bank/mortgage fiasco continues. Last week I made an attempt to get help from NACA and that totally failed for reasons that I really can't even get into without completely losing my mind and inciting myself into a bit of a rage ;)
Work is crazy busy and with this big event coming up at the end of September I do feel like it's time to kick up the wt loss...I've been trying to stay centered and calm about it but the time is ticking away now and I've made no progress since my initial loss from dropping the cals. Which...I dunno..that drop was probably solely related to stress relief not so much the calories and well..maybe that's why now I'm not losing. But at this point, I've got not even quite 3 weeks, I'd like at least 5 to go and ideally like 8 to 10 but I know that's not realistic :( So tired of this :( I've not dropped calories further from where I did a few weeks ago, and I have finally worked the macros over to those that Christie suggested (40/40/20) - so I AM learning that my body can trust the carbs (cuz holy cow I don't remember the last time i was on like 170-175g!). It still all takes constant thought and intention...if I don't plan and plan and plan and keep it at the forefront of my mind, my cals (carbs specifically) drop.
Had a conversation with my counselor (the other one, not Christie) yesterday about what defines "recovery." She says it's not that these thoughts will ever really fully go away, but they become less intense, and they don't determine my behavior and drive my choices.
Ok then.
Otherwise, things are going along. I'm slightly sleepless again these days, but doing pretty well with that.
I may have some news to share in the next week or so :) Well I will have news, the maybe part is when I can share it :)
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Yay My Bits Work ;)
Met with Christie yesterday and she was pleased with my choices this past week, and the observations I made about my hunger, satiety, energy, and fatigue. We spoke about options...whether I keep things as is or increase back up...
I asked if she thought there was any risk to me keeping things where they are while I'm trying to learn to better identify and listen to these cues. It's harder for me to identify them (either positively or negatively) at the higher level, and she thought as long as I actually RESPONDED to fatigue and hunger then it'd be ok.
She does still want me to try to vary my meals a little more, we talked about bringing at least one alternative meal component each day (a wrap versus brown rice, for instance). I can do that...
So....yup. Ok. I can do this.
Yesterday was squat and bench day - squats were faaaaabulous and I'm really happy with how things are progressing there. I ended my workout with one big set, 135 x 14 :) I had a few more in me I think...a big change for me...I'm actually starting to *like* squats!
This morning it was Best Body Boot Camp (Advanced Camp). Much fun :) My weight has remained the same since Wednesday until today, I bumped up a half pound, but I'm ok with that since I woke up with my period this morning. Which is sweet! Not normally something I'm super psyched about (heh) but...last time it took 7 weeks, this time 5.5 weeks...maybe I'm on my way to a more normal cycle and maybe that means all my girly bits work!
Tomorrow is another squat/bench/squat day...hope the quads are feeling a little more recovered than they are today :)
Wednesday night I've got a massage and Thursday a good friend of mine from college that I haven't seen in like...well it's been so long we can't quite tell but...a LONG time, is coming to visit through Sunday. We're gonna hit up Lion Country Safari on Friday (cuz I took a day *off* SUPAH DUPAH long weekend!) and then get some snorkeling action in on Saturday. I'm really looking forward to seeing him, I think we're gonna have a blast :)
And with that...it's pumpkin time...headed to bed.
I asked if she thought there was any risk to me keeping things where they are while I'm trying to learn to better identify and listen to these cues. It's harder for me to identify them (either positively or negatively) at the higher level, and she thought as long as I actually RESPONDED to fatigue and hunger then it'd be ok.
She does still want me to try to vary my meals a little more, we talked about bringing at least one alternative meal component each day (a wrap versus brown rice, for instance). I can do that...
So....yup. Ok. I can do this.
Yesterday was squat and bench day - squats were faaaaabulous and I'm really happy with how things are progressing there. I ended my workout with one big set, 135 x 14 :) I had a few more in me I think...a big change for me...I'm actually starting to *like* squats!
This morning it was Best Body Boot Camp (Advanced Camp). Much fun :) My weight has remained the same since Wednesday until today, I bumped up a half pound, but I'm ok with that since I woke up with my period this morning. Which is sweet! Not normally something I'm super psyched about (heh) but...last time it took 7 weeks, this time 5.5 weeks...maybe I'm on my way to a more normal cycle and maybe that means all my girly bits work!
Tomorrow is another squat/bench/squat day...hope the quads are feeling a little more recovered than they are today :)
Wednesday night I've got a massage and Thursday a good friend of mine from college that I haven't seen in like...well it's been so long we can't quite tell but...a LONG time, is coming to visit through Sunday. We're gonna hit up Lion Country Safari on Friday (cuz I took a day *off* SUPAH DUPAH long weekend!) and then get some snorkeling action in on Saturday. I'm really looking forward to seeing him, I think we're gonna have a blast :)
And with that...it's pumpkin time...headed to bed.
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