The Facts
(long!)
I think most of you are pretty knowledgeable these days, listening to me talk about past meets, but just in case, I'll explain a little...
There are 3 lifts in powerlifting - squat, bench press, and deadlift. At a meet, you have 3 "attempts" at each...each attempt builds on the previous and increases in weight, until your 3rd attempt is an all out maximum lift. Many times, a max attempt is some weight a lifter has never even felt before - the max attempt is decided upon by a number of things but namely training progressions, some formulas, definitely some experience (where I'm falling down), and a good feel for your energy on the given day. You give each attempt as you finish the one before it. If you miss one, you can repeat it (assuming it's not your 3rd attempt) until you get it, or you can increase the weight, but you cannot decrease it.
We'll start with a summary: It was a day of highs and lows :)
I went into the day more calm and peaceful than ever, I felt solid in my plans, I knew I had trained hard, I knew I was well rested, I knew this was going to be my big day. Just for reference, Myles had asked a friend of his named Dave to keep an eye out for me on my lifts and attempt selections. Also, I didn't have anyone there to record my lifts, but they were recorded on the live stream. I've put the link for each lift below and in parenthesis with each attempt is the time marker for that lift. The videos load quickly and for the most part you can just move the sliding bar ahead to that marker and watch :)
The goals/plan as laid out ahead of time (always subject to adjustment, based on the things I described above):
Goal 1) Hit PR's on all lifts
Goal 2) PR my total, minimum of 617 to qualify for RUM 4 in January 2011
Planned Lifts:
Squat: 165, 185, 190 (former pr: 181)
Bench: 110, 115, 120 (former pr: 110)
Deads: 285, 305, 325 (former pr: 303)
Actual Squat - 160, 175, 190
Squats are here: squats
160 (43:00): I adjusted my opener to 160 because watching earlier flights, I saw the judges were really sticklers for depth (your hip joint must be below the top of the knee for a passing lift), and I just needed to be sure I nailed it. So I went with 160 on that opener and O.M.G - it was freaking *hard* I fought it, and I got it, but it threw my confidence in my plan for 185. Dave also approached me immediately after that and said "What were you planning for a 2nd?" When I told him, he said based on how that 160 looked, he really didn't think I should go for more than 170 (I told you it was HARD!). But I felt good, I wanted to chalk that 160 issue up to nerves, first lift, etc. Based on the 160, I wasn't confident in 185, but 170? I KNEW I had just nailed 175 for SIX in training...so I put my 2nd attempt in for 175.
175 (51:00): In the video, you'll see me unrack, then rerack, and then unrack again before squatting. I felt I had set up with the bar unevenly placed on my back. I asked if I could rerack and set it up again and was given permission from the head judge. That is totally legal to do, so long as you have not already received the "Squat" command." In my head I was talking myself through it - it's ok, you are perfectly within the rules to ask, now get your sh*t together and just squat it and get it right so you don't look like an idiot now. Once I reset up, I felt it - the hunger had kicked in..that was missing from that first squat - I wanted this lift! So down I went and back up - EASY. WAYYYY easier than the 160! "OK..." I thought, that's where it started...now you're ready!" So when i went to enter my 3rd attempt, I stuck with 190 (despite Dave NOW suggesting I go for 195, hah!).
190 (1:01:00): I have no idea, honestly..you guys know how much I've struggled with squat, getting my form right in particular. Each time I went heavier I'd have to stop, knock it back again and try again. But then one day - it clicked. After much patience and work..one day it just happened. And it all came together for me in this squat...the 190 went up easy - comments later were that it looked like the leve of effort you'd see in a 2nd attempt...definitely more in the tank, could have gone to 195, etc. WOW...you have NO idea how that felt, after all this time. I was on cloud 9 and I was ready for 9 solid lifts..not only had I PR'd, I'd never made all 3 squats before, off to an *amazing start!
Actual Bench - bombed
Bench Press is here: bench press
I went back to the warm-up room and properly warmed up. I had no issues, nothing felt unsually heavy or weird or wrong, I was feeling strong, I knew my opener was easy. I did it at my last meet in January as my opener with no problem, and I'd done it in training a gazillion times since then, and done MORE than it in training as a matter of fact. It was a starting point - a means to working up to bigger things.
110 (43:00): I went out there, and I missed it. Not even close honestly. What? How can this be? It was not a matter of nerves, it was not a matter of getting my head in the right place like it was with that first squat, it was *heavy* Ok...so got a pep talk from Dave, knew I had to get this, Focus. Visualize, see myself there with the bar at lockout...you know you can do this....
110 (51:00): Miss! Same deal as the first. Panic. No...not going to panic. I went through the same process. Focus, visualize, feel it completing, see that lockout...you have one shot at this. "This is NOT how you're going down" I thought, I pleaded with myself...the hunger, it was there - I was going after it.
110 (1:01:30): No lift. That's right, not one. The fact was, yesterday, regardless of what i did 6 months ago, regardless of the training, regardless ...yesterday it was *too heavy*
What does that mean? It means I was essentially kinda disqualified. If a lifter misses all 3 attempts in the same lift, it is termed "bombing out," and you're out of the meet. Nothing counts, no records (if set) would count, no totals count..nothing in the books, nothing official - yer out. It took me a long time to wrap my head around this. In fact, I wouldn't say I'm completely there yet. It remains somewhat of a mystery as to how it is possible, given my history with this weight, that I missed it like I did. But at that moment - the fact was, I was out.
Thankfully, the meet director told me that I could still deadlift (I guess that's fairly common). But to me, that was a blessing, because what it made me do was refocus. I needed to stop analyzing how I missed it, why I missed it, what did I do wrong, etc. WHY ARE YOU HERE, you're here to do a THING. You have nine minutes to do that thing in, don't throw them away. GET YOUR HEAD ON and DO IT. I repeated that to myself over and over. I called Tara, I knew she was watching. She reminded me...helped move me on. I got a pep talk from Dave. I got a pep talk from Eric (he was the meet director from the last meet, he lifted on Saturday, and he was the head judge during my session yesterday). I got a pep talk from this guy Mike who had just made a real go at the all time record deadlift for his weight class, at 860lbs, and missed it after pulling 770 and 820 in his first two attempts. These guys had been there, the message: "it's happened to all of us, it's ok, let it go and do your job." Ok then. *deep breathe* So let's warm up for deads...
Actual Deadlifts - 285, 305, 310
Deadlifts are here: Deadlifts
285 (39:00) - this was a key lift, I *needed* this. I needed it for my confidence, honestly I needed it for my ego, I needed it to prove that I could myself together. I got it, easy, no problem. Consulted with Dave - 305 was the plan, 305 it was.
305 (47:00) - Wow...ok where did THAT come from? It was waaaay too hard for what it was, but hung in with it and I pulled until I got it. I knew then that 325 was out, so I was thinking I needed to drop that. Dave came up and said "you don't have 325 or even 320 in you today." I told him I knew that, I said - let's take it to just 310. And 310 is what I entered for my final lift of the meet.
310 (57:30) - MINE. I'm crying now even as I type it, hahah crrrazzzy. When I started this lift, I knew I was getting it, that I was not stopping, that it was going to all the way up because damn it if I was going to miss another lift this day, "out of it" or not. It was a RIDICULOUS battle, but in the end I got it! And it felt amazing. It felt like it took about 8 minutes to pull it all the way up, but I think it truly took about 8 seconds (timing via video not the most reliable way but..), but there was NO WAY I was dropping it, and I didn't.
3 white lights, and that was the only way to end that meet.
The Lessons
(also long! :)
I spent a lot of time going OVER and OVER those bench presses. I was super down on myself for a few minutes there mid-meet, and don't get me wrong, it still burns, but for a while there was a lot of self-doubt and a lot of trash talking to myself. How could you miss something so *easy* especially when you've done it a million times? Especially when you got this with no problem as your opener 6 months ago?! How, why, what...I was also embarrassed, because I had felt so good and confident going in to this and I felt like it was maybe "serving me right" for feeling that way...
But after talking to a lot of folks, revisiting the possible hows, whys, whats, talking to people with more experience than myself...none of it matters. I could analyze it to death, looking at were my fingers ON the rings or just NEXT to the rings, were my elbows too flared, my legs not driving, my concentration off, blah blah...
I'll never *know* but there are some very positive things that came out of this:
Dave offered to be my new strength coach, and he says he does not charge. He believes he can help me a great deal just by changing some things up with my training. Helping make wiser attempt selections based on how my body handles maxing out (he suspects my squat PR caused the bench failure because it took more out of me than I allowed for in my selection).
I learned that there's no reason to be embarrassed, that my confidence was not really misplaced, and to an extent is very necessary for this sport. And this experience - bringing the new training parameters and coaching, should only serve to make room for bigger, stronger lifts and more experience to make wiser choices and learn more about my body.
I learned what I'm made of when I turned that around and pulled it together for deadlift. I needed that. I got an email from Myles today after he watched the videos that helped me to see that...
Objectively and contextually, your last DL was extraordinary. I'm
not going to play down bombing out. It sucks and should piss
you off however much it pisses you off. However, to deadlift a PR
after bombing out displays such a high level of psychological resolve
that's it's hard to overestimate how meaningful and encouraging this
is. So many other lifters throw in the towel after a bomb or
sometimes just after a miss...you're the mentally
tougher lifter.
And from that, I learned that I love this and I will keep going with this. If I didn't care about it, I wouldn't be so upset about it. I do know that I gave it 100% of my everything, I started and I did not stop until they took the bar from me every time. And to the eye - it may not look like much, but I never gave up on it...and that's where I'm going to have to end on that...because that's really all I've got to show for it, right? That's what this is about - you do a thing, and you give it everything...
"You start and you don't stop. All your strength, all your power, all your love, everything you got!"
I learned that I can be proud of myself for this precisely because I can walk away with so many positives. I had some HUGE wins...the PR on squat alone was a major win, and pulling it together for the deadlift and hitting a PR there AFTER all that...huge. This is good, this is right...I'm walking away from this one with pride now :)
For a while I have been planning to take some time off. I put my gym membership on hold for the month of July and was planning on Crossfit, no PL stuff for that time. But this morning I was processing all of this stuff and I walked away thinking and feeling .. I don't WANT to stop now, i want to want to PAUSE now...I want to get better now, I want it more than ever.
So some rest this week, easy movement...next week is a long week of business travel so probably a little more rest than I'd like but..then I'm going to be ready to hit it hard. I'm emailing Dave next.
I'm ready for my next lesson :)
Showing posts with label trust. Show all posts
Showing posts with label trust. Show all posts
Monday, June 21, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
Remembering the Path
So I think the word of the week is "appreciation." Remembering all the good over the bad, remembering where you've come from, how you've grown and changed...appreciating the journey of life you've been on....
As I mentioned yesterday, i got the reminder to first appreciate my body for all it does and all it can do, and second, to remember and appreciate where I was and all of the amazingness of the journey that I've been on. I spent some time thinking through some of the most profound...
So this post is my appreciation post, for all of those things, and maybe more, who knows. This is a good place for me to be tonight...recalling all of this.
September 2000 - I remember signing up for eDiets.com when all those first "a-ha" moments had had their way with me. I remember thinking I couldn't do it...
~September 2001 - I remember when i first thought, "well ok, maybe I can"
~January 2003 - I remember joining the gym, feeling super intimidated, wearing huge sweats and t-shirts, worrying about who was watching me sweat and look funny and uncoordinated...but going anyway, and feeling good about it after it was over.
I remember when I bought my first new clothes in a REGULAR store, and NOT in the "womens" section. Size 18, with no "W" :) Hah..pants for work, that didn't have a giant droopy crotch ;)
My first mile! I remember being on the treadmill in the gym, exactly where that was and the view I had but damn it, I can't remember the time. I want to say it was 14 and some change (that's minutes, yup! ;) But I RAN IT, all the way, no stopping. I had NEVER done that before. I ran!
Early Spring 2006 - I remember being so inspired by how absolutely amazing and good I felt, and all the new good that my body could do and feel and experience, and SO inspired by RC who helped me get there, that I decided to get certified as a personal trainer. I remember when I passed the test, and my first clients. I.Loved.It.
While I was scanning gmail to see if I could find that first mile run time, I stumbled on my first 10k time - 63:44 in June of 2006, and then my first half marathon in October of 2006! Goal was 2:15:30 (no idea why I threw that extra 30 seconds on there LOL), I did it: 2:13:39.4
July 2006 - I remember making one of the hardest decisions of my life - the decision to be happy and healthy all around in every facet of my life, and leave my marriage, go after a new job, move to a new city - to take action and actively SEEK the life I wanted to have...
June 2007..TODAY as a matter of fact, this day in June 2007, wow so funny how all of these things come together at just one time, this week for me..this remembrance post, and this anniversary...June 2007 I started working for eDiets. I so wanted to be a part of this company that was so very instrumental in helping me to achieve all of these amazing things. That helped me and my body to FEEL the way that I did, I wanted to give that back in any and every way that I could...
I remember ~September 2008 filming exercise videos..*I* was the model in nearly all of them. ME? Filming exercise videos designed to teach/show other people how to do them. I remember very clearly when it hit me what I was doing.."who *am* i? who am *I* to be doing this when just a few years ago I didn't know what 90% of those exercise were, when I could barely get off the floor for that matter?"
In April of 2009 I lifted 253lbs in the deadlift, that was my starting weight with eDiets...what an amazing high to have "conquered" that weight!
And this time last year, when we filmed the eDiets Best Body Boot Camp DVD. Helloooo...same thing, "who am I? In a workout DVD?!" That is INSANITY. And full of awesome :)
I intend to each day find something that I appreciate about what my body is doing or has done. I won't lose sight again...I don't HAVE to be more more more, I can be happy Cathy, I've made the life I wanted...more should come from a place of joyful choice, because I seek the challenge, not because I'm compelled to keep pushing. That path will never lead to a good place.
As @fat2figure reminded me, "It's a choice, and you decided a long time ago to not ever go back. Now it's time to let go and live the life you've created for yourself."
So funny how all this comes around, comes together at the same time. So brilliant and beautiful :)
This weekend, I choose to lift more weight and put all the training to the test :) I take on the challenge because I want to, not because I have to...this is one I'm sure of, and this weekend I'm planning on lots of moments to remember. I went from not even knowing how to squat less than 2 years ago, to this meet on Sunday I'll be all over that bar at 190lbs! I'm taking 325 on in the deadlift and OWNING it. I can't wait...the high is unforgettable.
I may have internet access from the business room at the hotel, but I'm not bringing my computer, so it's possible I won't be back online until Monday. I know there are so many out there standing by me, walking with me if you will, through this meet. I owe so much to all of my friends and family who have stood by cheering through ALL of this (and it's been a LONG TIME)...and they continue to do so now.
Each time I lift, it starts with a huge deep breath...That's me taking in all of the love and support from all of you. Thank you :)
And just in case - one more time...
Here's where you can find the live stream of the meet!
I'm lifting in the Afternoon Session that starts at 3pm Sunday 6/20 (the Ustream website says noon, but that is pacific time). While this session starts at 3, I've confirmed that we (women) are in the SECOND group to lift in that session, so I don't expect to make my first lift until about 3:30 or 3:40pm.
First up - Squats! Bring it!
As I mentioned yesterday, i got the reminder to first appreciate my body for all it does and all it can do, and second, to remember and appreciate where I was and all of the amazingness of the journey that I've been on. I spent some time thinking through some of the most profound...
So this post is my appreciation post, for all of those things, and maybe more, who knows. This is a good place for me to be tonight...recalling all of this.
September 2000 - I remember signing up for eDiets.com when all those first "a-ha" moments had had their way with me. I remember thinking I couldn't do it...
~September 2001 - I remember when i first thought, "well ok, maybe I can"
~January 2003 - I remember joining the gym, feeling super intimidated, wearing huge sweats and t-shirts, worrying about who was watching me sweat and look funny and uncoordinated...but going anyway, and feeling good about it after it was over.
I remember when I bought my first new clothes in a REGULAR store, and NOT in the "womens" section. Size 18, with no "W" :) Hah..pants for work, that didn't have a giant droopy crotch ;)
My first mile! I remember being on the treadmill in the gym, exactly where that was and the view I had but damn it, I can't remember the time. I want to say it was 14 and some change (that's minutes, yup! ;) But I RAN IT, all the way, no stopping. I had NEVER done that before. I ran!
Early Spring 2006 - I remember being so inspired by how absolutely amazing and good I felt, and all the new good that my body could do and feel and experience, and SO inspired by RC who helped me get there, that I decided to get certified as a personal trainer. I remember when I passed the test, and my first clients. I.Loved.It.
While I was scanning gmail to see if I could find that first mile run time, I stumbled on my first 10k time - 63:44 in June of 2006, and then my first half marathon in October of 2006! Goal was 2:15:30 (no idea why I threw that extra 30 seconds on there LOL), I did it: 2:13:39.4
July 2006 - I remember making one of the hardest decisions of my life - the decision to be happy and healthy all around in every facet of my life, and leave my marriage, go after a new job, move to a new city - to take action and actively SEEK the life I wanted to have...
June 2007..TODAY as a matter of fact, this day in June 2007, wow so funny how all of these things come together at just one time, this week for me..this remembrance post, and this anniversary...June 2007 I started working for eDiets. I so wanted to be a part of this company that was so very instrumental in helping me to achieve all of these amazing things. That helped me and my body to FEEL the way that I did, I wanted to give that back in any and every way that I could...
I remember ~September 2008 filming exercise videos..*I* was the model in nearly all of them. ME? Filming exercise videos designed to teach/show other people how to do them. I remember very clearly when it hit me what I was doing.."who *am* i? who am *I* to be doing this when just a few years ago I didn't know what 90% of those exercise were, when I could barely get off the floor for that matter?"
In April of 2009 I lifted 253lbs in the deadlift, that was my starting weight with eDiets...what an amazing high to have "conquered" that weight!
And this time last year, when we filmed the eDiets Best Body Boot Camp DVD. Helloooo...same thing, "who am I? In a workout DVD?!" That is INSANITY. And full of awesome :)
I intend to each day find something that I appreciate about what my body is doing or has done. I won't lose sight again...I don't HAVE to be more more more, I can be happy Cathy, I've made the life I wanted...more should come from a place of joyful choice, because I seek the challenge, not because I'm compelled to keep pushing. That path will never lead to a good place.
As @fat2figure reminded me, "It's a choice, and you decided a long time ago to not ever go back. Now it's time to let go and live the life you've created for yourself."
So funny how all this comes around, comes together at the same time. So brilliant and beautiful :)
This weekend, I choose to lift more weight and put all the training to the test :) I take on the challenge because I want to, not because I have to...this is one I'm sure of, and this weekend I'm planning on lots of moments to remember. I went from not even knowing how to squat less than 2 years ago, to this meet on Sunday I'll be all over that bar at 190lbs! I'm taking 325 on in the deadlift and OWNING it. I can't wait...the high is unforgettable.
I may have internet access from the business room at the hotel, but I'm not bringing my computer, so it's possible I won't be back online until Monday. I know there are so many out there standing by me, walking with me if you will, through this meet. I owe so much to all of my friends and family who have stood by cheering through ALL of this (and it's been a LONG TIME)...and they continue to do so now.
Each time I lift, it starts with a huge deep breath...That's me taking in all of the love and support from all of you. Thank you :)
And just in case - one more time...
Here's where you can find the live stream of the meet!
I'm lifting in the Afternoon Session that starts at 3pm Sunday 6/20 (the Ustream website says noon, but that is pacific time). While this session starts at 3, I've confirmed that we (women) are in the SECOND group to lift in that session, so I don't expect to make my first lift until about 3:30 or 3:40pm.
First up - Squats! Bring it!
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
A-Ha! Again :)
We got up at 4:30 in the morning to go for a hike. I don't know about you, but I can't see a damn thing at 4:30 in the morning. But we started hiking, and by the time daylight began to break we were at the top of the hill, and then I realized, it was the Hollywood Hill! I couldn't believe how high we were. And so we hiked back down and when I got to the bottom I looked up and couldn't believe the hike I had just made. If I had seen what we were doing before we started, my mind would not have allowed me do it. And then he said, "I just wanted you to know you can do anything."
That was a very loosely transcribed story from a woman I spoke to tonight. What a powerful story, it made me think about how many times are we limited by our thoughts. How many times a day, a week, a year, a lifetime, are we held back by our own thoughts?
There was another story she had, it was similar. She was asked to do something she'd never done before, and in her mind she just thought over and over, "I've never done this before" and she doubted...but he encouraged, "you're ready to do this" and so she set out, and she did it. When she was done she was crying! He asked her why...she replied it was because she'd never done it before, and she DID it! He said, "Your body is ready for all these things, it's your mind that is holding you back."
I spoke to her more about her confidence and the changes she's seen...she's new to her body, all of the changes and the things she can do are new, still learning, still exploring...she *appreciates* and she feels absolutely empowered by that feeling.
I *had* that, that joy, that feeling that I could DO anything, and somehow something turned ugly in there. "I can't take a rest day," "I can't eat that," I"I have to do this because otherwise i will gain," or, "I can't do that because I will gain." I've reread a few other things I've written recently, I've said things like.."I don't trust my body" and "I feel betrayed by my body."
Seriously?
There's no joy in the daily "I can'ts" and "I have to's" There's a place for those things, but it doesn't have to be 24/7 & 365 - there's no joy, there's no power, there's no trust. This is supposed to be a colorful, joyful life! Not a drab black and white.
Look at all the things THIS body can do! Look at all the things this body used to NOT be able to do. And not just my body - but my mind! I was empowered, I changed my life, literally, in almost every way conceivable. And now I risk it, I truly risk it, when I don't appreciate that, when I focus on negative, when I choose to doubt all I can do, when I choose not to trust me or my body, and when I let my mind cast doubt.
Today was the day for me to have this realization. Not even a realization, this was a reminder, a wake-up call, and I heard it as recently as yesterday. Christie asked me in my session - "Do you ever *appreciate* all your body does for you?" I couldn't really answer her positively, at least not recently - but on further thinking on our discussion I realized - I *used to* Back when this change and this body was new. I needed a reminder.
But today was the day for it to come together...it actually started long before that conversation. I was at the gym early this morning for my last workout before my meet. I did some time on the elliptical, and then I went into the aerobics room (it's quiet, and dark, and empty) to stretch. I was doing a standing quad stretch when all of a sudden I was able to notice the foot I was balancing on. I noticed all of the tiniest of adjustments my foot was making each second to keep me balanced. I was not thinking about it, I was not (to my knowledge) controlling it - my body was just making it happen. It was a really striking moment for me. Ahhh...LOOK at what my body can do, and I'm not even consciously asking it to do it for me. Cool :) Go foot! Go tiny fine-tuning muscles!
And then this evening, I had this conversation with this person..an amazing person.
The more I thought on this, the more I realized...I *can* trust my body, IT can't trust me! It doesn't know what to do when I work it so hard and I feed it badly. I'm not betrayed by my body...I am betraying IT! With my mind and these thoughts...I'm the one allowing them. This is my mind at work,this is a matter of changing that mind.
I need to recenter, and go back to that center place and remember why I'm here, and where I came from, and everything else I chose to change in the name of my HAPPINESS and my HEALTH, not to mention, remember to love me and trust me, for all my body does for me and for all I need to do to continue to live and love and find that joy again.
I know this is a lesson I will likely have to learn again, I'll probably have this very moment a few more times as a matter of fact. But right now, right this moment, I declare that I am re-empowered - taking it back. I am DONE with the negative and working toward the positive. They might creep in, but the plan is to acknowledge them ("oh! how interesting.."), visualize setting them to the side ("thanks for your input, I'll have to get back to you on that one"), and move on (hahah yeah ok, when pigs fly"). That's the plan.
To cap it off, at the end of this conversation tonight, I went to the support boards and there I found Raphael's Daily Motivator...also an amazing story, but the end summed it up...
"Size up and break through the confining ropes in your mind. When you're faced with change, change your perspective. When you're overwhelmed with something new; change your view. Eradicate limitations and nothing will be impossible for you!”
That was a very loosely transcribed story from a woman I spoke to tonight. What a powerful story, it made me think about how many times are we limited by our thoughts. How many times a day, a week, a year, a lifetime, are we held back by our own thoughts?
There was another story she had, it was similar. She was asked to do something she'd never done before, and in her mind she just thought over and over, "I've never done this before" and she doubted...but he encouraged, "you're ready to do this" and so she set out, and she did it. When she was done she was crying! He asked her why...she replied it was because she'd never done it before, and she DID it! He said, "Your body is ready for all these things, it's your mind that is holding you back."
I spoke to her more about her confidence and the changes she's seen...she's new to her body, all of the changes and the things she can do are new, still learning, still exploring...she *appreciates* and she feels absolutely empowered by that feeling.
I *had* that, that joy, that feeling that I could DO anything, and somehow something turned ugly in there. "I can't take a rest day," "I can't eat that," I"I have to do this because otherwise i will gain," or, "I can't do that because I will gain." I've reread a few other things I've written recently, I've said things like.."I don't trust my body" and "I feel betrayed by my body."
Seriously?
There's no joy in the daily "I can'ts" and "I have to's" There's a place for those things, but it doesn't have to be 24/7 & 365 - there's no joy, there's no power, there's no trust. This is supposed to be a colorful, joyful life! Not a drab black and white.
Look at all the things THIS body can do! Look at all the things this body used to NOT be able to do. And not just my body - but my mind! I was empowered, I changed my life, literally, in almost every way conceivable. And now I risk it, I truly risk it, when I don't appreciate that, when I focus on negative, when I choose to doubt all I can do, when I choose not to trust me or my body, and when I let my mind cast doubt.
Today was the day for me to have this realization. Not even a realization, this was a reminder, a wake-up call, and I heard it as recently as yesterday. Christie asked me in my session - "Do you ever *appreciate* all your body does for you?" I couldn't really answer her positively, at least not recently - but on further thinking on our discussion I realized - I *used to* Back when this change and this body was new. I needed a reminder.
But today was the day for it to come together...it actually started long before that conversation. I was at the gym early this morning for my last workout before my meet. I did some time on the elliptical, and then I went into the aerobics room (it's quiet, and dark, and empty) to stretch. I was doing a standing quad stretch when all of a sudden I was able to notice the foot I was balancing on. I noticed all of the tiniest of adjustments my foot was making each second to keep me balanced. I was not thinking about it, I was not (to my knowledge) controlling it - my body was just making it happen. It was a really striking moment for me. Ahhh...LOOK at what my body can do, and I'm not even consciously asking it to do it for me. Cool :) Go foot! Go tiny fine-tuning muscles!
And then this evening, I had this conversation with this person..an amazing person.
The more I thought on this, the more I realized...I *can* trust my body, IT can't trust me! It doesn't know what to do when I work it so hard and I feed it badly. I'm not betrayed by my body...I am betraying IT! With my mind and these thoughts...I'm the one allowing them. This is my mind at work,this is a matter of changing that mind.
I need to recenter, and go back to that center place and remember why I'm here, and where I came from, and everything else I chose to change in the name of my HAPPINESS and my HEALTH, not to mention, remember to love me and trust me, for all my body does for me and for all I need to do to continue to live and love and find that joy again.
I know this is a lesson I will likely have to learn again, I'll probably have this very moment a few more times as a matter of fact. But right now, right this moment, I declare that I am re-empowered - taking it back. I am DONE with the negative and working toward the positive. They might creep in, but the plan is to acknowledge them ("oh! how interesting.."), visualize setting them to the side ("thanks for your input, I'll have to get back to you on that one"), and move on (hahah yeah ok, when pigs fly"). That's the plan.
To cap it off, at the end of this conversation tonight, I went to the support boards and there I found Raphael's Daily Motivator...also an amazing story, but the end summed it up...
"Size up and break through the confining ropes in your mind. When you're faced with change, change your perspective. When you're overwhelmed with something new; change your view. Eradicate limitations and nothing will be impossible for you!”
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
What To Do...Something New?
I guess I'm in what could be most easily equivocated to a "taper." You know you could use the rest, you know it's the best time TO rest and will lead to better results come show time but...UGH it sucks to step it so far back after ramping it up for so long, I just don't know what to DO with myself!
Am I right?!
Well just say yes, please ;)
Sunday I went out for a run, which was a bit of a mistake simply given the ridiculous heat and humidity of the day (even at 6:30am). Monday I did a nice and easy lower body workout and a short stint on the elliptical. Today - 45 mins on my good friend, Mr. Elliptical. THAT is total sarcasm, in case you missed it.
I was planning on a light and easy chest/back w/o tomorrow but for some reason, today, my shoulders started to..well let's just say I'm *noticing* them. WTF is that? I haven't done jack shit to my shoulders since..oh well probably since my last bench day, a week ago. And today? TODAY they start giving me grief?!
Note to Misbehaving shoulders: NOT ALLOWED!
So I think in light of that, I'll just hold up that ole chest/back workout and maybe just go with abs + cardio and call it a winner. In fact, I MAY just not work the ole UB at all until warm-ups the day of the meet, if it needs to be that way.
Which it better not be ;)
Also of note...I've been completely inspired by a few of the folks in the twitter community over the past few days. The wheels are churnin' up in the head, you know that means trouble ;)
But the challenge by my new friend Al @sweating_it_off, a conversation with the lovely @cardioaddict, an entry about Fitting In written by @MizFitOnline really left a lasting impact on me, and the honesty and courageousness of one Ms SkinnyEmmie on her path to health and happiness...just true inspiration right there(that was a lot huh? go social networking, go! bringing it all together and plopping it right in my face right when I needed it most :) All of these moments have made me realize that I'm firmly entrenched in a PROCESS right now, and I need to think seriously about opening up a little more about my current path to health and happiness and invite help, support,and new insights and experience into my world. All that just to say - I need a new view, cuz mine ain't workin' for me.
A few conversations later (ahem Ms @fat2figure) and I've alllllmost convinced myself I'm ready to do this!
I know thus far I've been at best *vague* and at worst completely hidden a lot of the facts about that current path, but I think I may open up a new tag/chapter on this blog, and well - let's really get to talking about eating and behaviors and thoughts and...the truth. At least as it stands for me.
I'll start a little later tonight, after I get my tomorrow organized. It all starts with the first steps...gah.
Am I right?!
Well just say yes, please ;)
Sunday I went out for a run, which was a bit of a mistake simply given the ridiculous heat and humidity of the day (even at 6:30am). Monday I did a nice and easy lower body workout and a short stint on the elliptical. Today - 45 mins on my good friend, Mr. Elliptical. THAT is total sarcasm, in case you missed it.
I was planning on a light and easy chest/back w/o tomorrow but for some reason, today, my shoulders started to..well let's just say I'm *noticing* them. WTF is that? I haven't done jack shit to my shoulders since..oh well probably since my last bench day, a week ago. And today? TODAY they start giving me grief?!
Note to Misbehaving shoulders: NOT ALLOWED!
So I think in light of that, I'll just hold up that ole chest/back workout and maybe just go with abs + cardio and call it a winner. In fact, I MAY just not work the ole UB at all until warm-ups the day of the meet, if it needs to be that way.
Which it better not be ;)
Also of note...I've been completely inspired by a few of the folks in the twitter community over the past few days. The wheels are churnin' up in the head, you know that means trouble ;)
But the challenge by my new friend Al @sweating_it_off, a conversation with the lovely @cardioaddict, an entry about Fitting In written by @MizFitOnline really left a lasting impact on me, and the honesty and courageousness of one Ms SkinnyEmmie on her path to health and happiness...just true inspiration right there(that was a lot huh? go social networking, go! bringing it all together and plopping it right in my face right when I needed it most :) All of these moments have made me realize that I'm firmly entrenched in a PROCESS right now, and I need to think seriously about opening up a little more about my current path to health and happiness and invite help, support,and new insights and experience into my world. All that just to say - I need a new view, cuz mine ain't workin' for me.
A few conversations later (ahem Ms @fat2figure) and I've alllllmost convinced myself I'm ready to do this!
I know thus far I've been at best *vague* and at worst completely hidden a lot of the facts about that current path, but I think I may open up a new tag/chapter on this blog, and well - let's really get to talking about eating and behaviors and thoughts and...the truth. At least as it stands for me.
I'll start a little later tonight, after I get my tomorrow organized. It all starts with the first steps...gah.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Trying Trust...Again
I thought I'd try to share some of the "progress" I made the past few days (long, get comfy :). I talked and confided in some trusted friends that I knew would "get" this (RC, Honu, Susan) and I spent a lot of time juggling through the crazies in my head and all this stuff - sort of accepting it - a little permission to feel completely irrational for a little while goes a long way :)
On Sunday I saw 137.6 again so had officially made that first goal I had set for myself of 138.0 by that day (not that I hadn't already, but I felt like I LOST it with the random bounce..and I did lose it - my mind not the goal)! I had originally said I would then see how things were going on Sunday and decide to actively go after 135 (or not) then.
I decided on Sunday for some sanity I needed to let go of the NEED to see that and just let things go naturally. I'm not changing anything I have been doing (other than the "no plan" workout plan ;) - just going to go with it for a while again and see where things shake out without obsessing over meeting the next goal. That felt better too. Just freedom from the constant pressure of setting/meeting goals...
Tara sent me an email the other day that made me think - she said something about us being somewhat addicted to setting/meeting goals...I'm not sure that's the right word for it but I think there's something to it. There's definitely a pressure that comes with it - sure goal setting has a role, but if I want to just LIVE, I can't always/constantly be trying to live up to a new/higher standard or goal - right? I think that is/was part of that "trapped" feeling I've been sensing.
Yesterday I think the hormones started to settle down a little bit too, maybe my body is starting to adapt a bit to the change...I think there's still some unsettled emotion there, I'm still out of whack a little (way less capacity to deal with stuff still), but the spotting is slowing down and I feel waaaaaaaay less psycho and out of control.
Yesterday felt good to go into the gym and just do what felt good, not cater to a set plan on a page to complete...I ate to a plan but the handful of baby carrots and tiny bit of PB I had when I got home from work because I was starving was not a source of freakoutedness :)
This morning I was down again to 136.4, and I went in to the gym and did legs - squats, which have normally fallen on Tuesdays but it felt ok, especially without having a full on workout written on a page to feel compelled to complete simply because it was THERE...I just made it up as I went along, and when I felt like I had gotten a good thorough strong workout, I stopped. How simple - wow :)
When I watched the videos of the pullups and squats back on the camera, I could see some things I liked on the screen, i didn't immediately feel sad or ashamed about my body....Once or twice I even thought my legs looked pretty good :)
I honestly do NOT know if it's in my head or if it's real but there is such a huge difference in just 2 or 3 pounds. Guess ultimately it really doesn't matter if it's real or imagined because it's how I see it.
Anyway - moving on....I'm going to try to hold on to this feeling of calm and growing sense of at least a little bit of freedom..gonna try to just be :) Also going to try to keep it together on an even keel as far as the emotions go...gah.
As for goals - I have goals for powerlifting, and a general goal for healthy weight maintenance dammnit :)
On Sunday I saw 137.6 again so had officially made that first goal I had set for myself of 138.0 by that day (not that I hadn't already, but I felt like I LOST it with the random bounce..and I did lose it - my mind not the goal)! I had originally said I would then see how things were going on Sunday and decide to actively go after 135 (or not) then.
I decided on Sunday for some sanity I needed to let go of the NEED to see that and just let things go naturally. I'm not changing anything I have been doing (other than the "no plan" workout plan ;) - just going to go with it for a while again and see where things shake out without obsessing over meeting the next goal. That felt better too. Just freedom from the constant pressure of setting/meeting goals...
Tara sent me an email the other day that made me think - she said something about us being somewhat addicted to setting/meeting goals...I'm not sure that's the right word for it but I think there's something to it. There's definitely a pressure that comes with it - sure goal setting has a role, but if I want to just LIVE, I can't always/constantly be trying to live up to a new/higher standard or goal - right? I think that is/was part of that "trapped" feeling I've been sensing.
Yesterday I think the hormones started to settle down a little bit too, maybe my body is starting to adapt a bit to the change...I think there's still some unsettled emotion there, I'm still out of whack a little (way less capacity to deal with stuff still), but the spotting is slowing down and I feel waaaaaaaay less psycho and out of control.
Yesterday felt good to go into the gym and just do what felt good, not cater to a set plan on a page to complete...I ate to a plan but the handful of baby carrots and tiny bit of PB I had when I got home from work because I was starving was not a source of freakoutedness :)
This morning I was down again to 136.4, and I went in to the gym and did legs - squats, which have normally fallen on Tuesdays but it felt ok, especially without having a full on workout written on a page to feel compelled to complete simply because it was THERE...I just made it up as I went along, and when I felt like I had gotten a good thorough strong workout, I stopped. How simple - wow :)
When I watched the videos of the pullups and squats back on the camera, I could see some things I liked on the screen, i didn't immediately feel sad or ashamed about my body....Once or twice I even thought my legs looked pretty good :)
I honestly do NOT know if it's in my head or if it's real but there is such a huge difference in just 2 or 3 pounds. Guess ultimately it really doesn't matter if it's real or imagined because it's how I see it.
Anyway - moving on....I'm going to try to hold on to this feeling of calm and growing sense of at least a little bit of freedom..gonna try to just be :) Also going to try to keep it together on an even keel as far as the emotions go...gah.
As for goals - I have goals for powerlifting, and a general goal for healthy weight maintenance dammnit :)
Sunday, April 18, 2010
The Plan is No Plan
I had a workout scheduled for this morning, I was up for it, I got the work I needed to get done early this morning so I could go without that on my mind...I got up, got my workout clothes on, looked in the mirror and saw TIRED looking back at me. Once I saw that, I was able to allow myself to slow down just long enough to FEEL the tired. I'm still totally wiped out - not sure if it's the culmination of all this lack of sleep, the heavy week of training I did last week, or even just Friday's workout which really left me about as effective as a puddle on the ground ;)
So yesterday was a full rest day, and today is now too. I put my sweats on, put my hair up in a ponytail and here I am. I'm trying to get out of that headspace I have been in all week, it's not a good place for me and makes no logical sense. I think hormones are also playing a large role in this whole past week of feeling like I have - last Sunday I switched to a new BCP in an attempt to alleviate the monthly migraines. I think the issue has been there, but the hormone change is just amplifying things. RC suggested just going with the emotion - not fighting it trying to stop it or finding sense in it...feel what I need to feel and let it out. Honestly that's helped a lot, because when I started analzying it all I felt completely irrational, which sort of fed it and made me feel worse. So irrational emotions or not ... moving forward. Today has been better :)
Also - starting with today's impromptu rest day, this week, there is no plan. RC suggested I might try just training what feels right when I wake up and get to the gym instead of a structured/strict schedule. I've got a few weeks where I can play with this a little - I'll go back to the structured workout before the meet, but I've got about 8 weeks ahead of me, so 3 or so of this won't hurt. I'm terrified of it, it requires really *listening* but I need to give it a shot because I've been feeling weirdly trapped in routine, something that I normally thrive on. It's hard to explain, but I'm hoping this helps me a lot - it's another start at the TRUST thing that I so need to learn with myself. At the very least, it'll freshen things up a little :)
To do this, I've gotta have everything with me every time I go to the gym, so I switched up to a bigger gym bag so I could carry everything. When I train legs I'll squat and deadlift (not on the same day) and when I hit Chest I'll bench. For bench and deadlift, I have all my training percentages written in my log so I can easily do either when the feeling is right.
Next 4 weeks with squat I'm going away from 5-3-1 again, I just want to be sure I'm hitting every rep every time..so the next 3-4 weeks or so will be playing with 135-155lb range, increasing set/rep schemes and going for volume rather than heavy load/low volume. I just need that practice to get it ingrained, I think. I'll still have a full cycle of 5-3-1 left to go through before the meet..
So...to start,
Sunday: REST
So yesterday was a full rest day, and today is now too. I put my sweats on, put my hair up in a ponytail and here I am. I'm trying to get out of that headspace I have been in all week, it's not a good place for me and makes no logical sense. I think hormones are also playing a large role in this whole past week of feeling like I have - last Sunday I switched to a new BCP in an attempt to alleviate the monthly migraines. I think the issue has been there, but the hormone change is just amplifying things. RC suggested just going with the emotion - not fighting it trying to stop it or finding sense in it...feel what I need to feel and let it out. Honestly that's helped a lot, because when I started analzying it all I felt completely irrational, which sort of fed it and made me feel worse. So irrational emotions or not ... moving forward. Today has been better :)
Also - starting with today's impromptu rest day, this week, there is no plan. RC suggested I might try just training what feels right when I wake up and get to the gym instead of a structured/strict schedule. I've got a few weeks where I can play with this a little - I'll go back to the structured workout before the meet, but I've got about 8 weeks ahead of me, so 3 or so of this won't hurt. I'm terrified of it, it requires really *listening* but I need to give it a shot because I've been feeling weirdly trapped in routine, something that I normally thrive on. It's hard to explain, but I'm hoping this helps me a lot - it's another start at the TRUST thing that I so need to learn with myself. At the very least, it'll freshen things up a little :)
To do this, I've gotta have everything with me every time I go to the gym, so I switched up to a bigger gym bag so I could carry everything. When I train legs I'll squat and deadlift (not on the same day) and when I hit Chest I'll bench. For bench and deadlift, I have all my training percentages written in my log so I can easily do either when the feeling is right.
Next 4 weeks with squat I'm going away from 5-3-1 again, I just want to be sure I'm hitting every rep every time..so the next 3-4 weeks or so will be playing with 135-155lb range, increasing set/rep schemes and going for volume rather than heavy load/low volume. I just need that practice to get it ingrained, I think. I'll still have a full cycle of 5-3-1 left to go through before the meet..
So...to start,
Sunday: REST
Friday, April 16, 2010
Time to Grow Somewhere
I'm not even sure where to start here today - big jumble all up in this head of mine. I guess I'll just start at the beginning and work my way through my day so far...
After yesterday's cardio escapades (and softball game last night) I was "down" to 138.2 Which really shouldn't even count - not "down" or "up" it's like a ridiculous move on the scale, honestly I could take a piss and lose .2 lbs, yet I felt a sense of relief this morning...
Got into the gym with a slight sense of trepidation, afterall, today was a big day - heaviest weight ever used in training for reps before! I didn't know what to expect with that - always a little freaky handling a new weight.
Despite that, I ended up setting a *riiiiidiculous* PR today for deads. Was it the Jack3d?! Total venting of anger and frustrations from this week (there were A LOT)? I have NO idea where it came from but...ridiculousness came in the form of 280 x 7.
The closest I've ever hit to that was 275 x 4.
I am a puddle now though. Truly a puddle. Made it through the rest of that workout and now I got nuttin' honey :)
The rest of the workout looked like this:
Sumos
5 x 220
3 x 250
1+ x 280 ... 7
Front Squats
10 x 95
12 x 75
Good Mornings
2 x 15 @ bar
Squats
3 x 8 @ 125
SGDLs
12 x 135
10 x 155
8 x 175
Conventional Deads
2 x 8 @ 185
BB Alt Leg Lunges
10/leg @ 85
Leg Press
(1-leg): 8/leg @ 90
(2-leg): 8, 8 @ 270, 10 @ 230
Machine Hip Adduction
3 x 12 @ 165
Standing Calf Raises
3 x 12 @ 150
Leg Extensions
3 x 10 @ 90
Between my 2nd and 3rd calf raises sets, a friend of mine came up to me out of the blue and told me he thought just in this past week I was leaning out tremendously, looking good. Exactly the opposite of how I was feeling, exactly this THING that I have been battling for so long now, and especially this week. I totally burst into tears on him. I mean...wow. Sucktastic, I was mortified. The good thing is that I think he "gets it," but on the other hand..just wow. I've really gotta get it together here. He told me he saw this week that I was lacking in spirit. I told him that's because I was hating so bad on myself. He was wonderful, understanding but also sensible and reassuring.
So here I am, back where I started, somewhere in this weird space between LIVING and DIETING, between trusting myself and planning my life to a piece of paper. Exactly where I said I did not want to be anymore. I have to learn to let go - I need to learn it in diet, I need to learn it in my workouts, I need to learn to listen and trust ME! Why is that so hard? And apparently so much to ask? I'm completely terrified of it...but I think I just have to do it, I have to start trusting and leave this "comfort zone" (hah, really, is there comfort here?) of planning everything down to the micro level. I thought I was there, maybe I was and I slipped a little - like the first few tries at losing weight, or riding a bike...looking at it like that feels a little better I guess.
The big picture here is living life. Happy life, not chained to a piece of paper and beating myself up over .2lbs. Just typing that scares me, but also makes me really angry that I'm STILL in that space!
Need to move on, it's time to grow somewhere.
After yesterday's cardio escapades (and softball game last night) I was "down" to 138.2 Which really shouldn't even count - not "down" or "up" it's like a ridiculous move on the scale, honestly I could take a piss and lose .2 lbs, yet I felt a sense of relief this morning...
Got into the gym with a slight sense of trepidation, afterall, today was a big day - heaviest weight ever used in training for reps before! I didn't know what to expect with that - always a little freaky handling a new weight.
Despite that, I ended up setting a *riiiiidiculous* PR today for deads. Was it the Jack3d?! Total venting of anger and frustrations from this week (there were A LOT)? I have NO idea where it came from but...ridiculousness came in the form of 280 x 7.
The closest I've ever hit to that was 275 x 4.
I am a puddle now though. Truly a puddle. Made it through the rest of that workout and now I got nuttin' honey :)
The rest of the workout looked like this:
Sumos
5 x 220
3 x 250
1+ x 280 ... 7
Front Squats
10 x 95
12 x 75
Good Mornings
2 x 15 @ bar
Squats
3 x 8 @ 125
SGDLs
12 x 135
10 x 155
8 x 175
Conventional Deads
2 x 8 @ 185
BB Alt Leg Lunges
10/leg @ 85
Leg Press
(1-leg): 8/leg @ 90
(2-leg): 8, 8 @ 270, 10 @ 230
Machine Hip Adduction
3 x 12 @ 165
Standing Calf Raises
3 x 12 @ 150
Leg Extensions
3 x 10 @ 90
Between my 2nd and 3rd calf raises sets, a friend of mine came up to me out of the blue and told me he thought just in this past week I was leaning out tremendously, looking good. Exactly the opposite of how I was feeling, exactly this THING that I have been battling for so long now, and especially this week. I totally burst into tears on him. I mean...wow. Sucktastic, I was mortified. The good thing is that I think he "gets it," but on the other hand..just wow. I've really gotta get it together here. He told me he saw this week that I was lacking in spirit. I told him that's because I was hating so bad on myself. He was wonderful, understanding but also sensible and reassuring.
So here I am, back where I started, somewhere in this weird space between LIVING and DIETING, between trusting myself and planning my life to a piece of paper. Exactly where I said I did not want to be anymore. I have to learn to let go - I need to learn it in diet, I need to learn it in my workouts, I need to learn to listen and trust ME! Why is that so hard? And apparently so much to ask? I'm completely terrified of it...but I think I just have to do it, I have to start trusting and leave this "comfort zone" (hah, really, is there comfort here?) of planning everything down to the micro level. I thought I was there, maybe I was and I slipped a little - like the first few tries at losing weight, or riding a bike...looking at it like that feels a little better I guess.
The big picture here is living life. Happy life, not chained to a piece of paper and beating myself up over .2lbs. Just typing that scares me, but also makes me really angry that I'm STILL in that space!
Need to move on, it's time to grow somewhere.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Back Online!
Had a temporary hiatus from the use of the internet at home and just wasn't able to get this stuff posted. Here's how the week has gone so far:
Sunday: UB/Abs + 40 cardio
Monday: 30 cardio
Tuesday: Legs(squat) + 20cardio (Squat PR: 155 x 12)
Wednesday: Chest/back (bench) + 20 cardio (Tied bench PR: 105 x 8)
Thursday: abs + 35 cardio
But here's the Venty/Crazy stuff: I'm ridiculously frustrated with myself looking at my behavior and my internal thinking this week. There's a lot of cardio in there, way more than usual, and this is my heaviest week this training cycle. That makes no sense, clear as day on paper.
In my head of course it's a different story - not so clear. My head is freaking over the weight, and obviously - I'm acting on it. And I've wondered why I'm so tired. Not sleeping since before I left for NYC/VA isn't helping, but I'm beating myself up this week with reduced cals, heavy lifting and all that cardio.
I always do this, I *react* (and badly) to my weight fluctuations by doing stuff like this. I set a goal of going from 141.2 (post NYC/VA wt) to 138 by this Sunday 4/18, and then another 2 weeks to get back to 135 - totally sensible and achievable and I was ahead of it! I was 138.0 on Tuesday and 137.6 yesterday and then today, for no good reason i can see - 138.4 So instead of resting like I planned, I reacted and I got on the elliptical (and cried, because I was tired, and I knew I was doing something stupid that would likely have no relevance on my weight tomorrow and even if it did - so what, I'm ahead of schedule for crying out loud). Because obviously 30 minutes of cardio is going to change my life? WTF?! I'm pretty p-o'd at myself for that - between the disconnect or the refusal to listen or whatever it is - that my brain KNOWS better and yet I still instead react to stuff that doesn't matter. I promised myself I would trust myself, that I would not DO that anymore. I need to grow and get over this kind of thing.
I'm overtired. The good thing is that in taking some time off for the internet guy to come today, I got some rest. I relaxed by the pool AND I had a short little nap (which I needed - softball tonight on top of everything else). I do feel a little better, and a little more sane so I know it helped. Tomorrow is leg day again (deads) and NO cardio, and Saturday needs to be totally OFF. That's the plan. I'm allowed rest!
Another friend of mine recommended accupuncture to me again - for the sleep issues. It's been recommended many times by various people, but I gave in today and I called the place. Unfortunately they were closed, I left a msg but they haven't called back. I promised I would give it a try though, so I will follow up with them tomorrow. It certainly can't hurt, right?
Here's some vid highlights from the week:
Squat (Tuesday 4/13, 155 x 12)
Bench (Wednesday 4/14, 105 x 8)
Sunday: UB/Abs + 40 cardio
Monday: 30 cardio
Tuesday: Legs(squat) + 20cardio (Squat PR: 155 x 12)
Wednesday: Chest/back (bench) + 20 cardio (Tied bench PR: 105 x 8)
Thursday: abs + 35 cardio
But here's the Venty/Crazy stuff: I'm ridiculously frustrated with myself looking at my behavior and my internal thinking this week. There's a lot of cardio in there, way more than usual, and this is my heaviest week this training cycle. That makes no sense, clear as day on paper.
In my head of course it's a different story - not so clear. My head is freaking over the weight, and obviously - I'm acting on it. And I've wondered why I'm so tired. Not sleeping since before I left for NYC/VA isn't helping, but I'm beating myself up this week with reduced cals, heavy lifting and all that cardio.
I always do this, I *react* (and badly) to my weight fluctuations by doing stuff like this. I set a goal of going from 141.2 (post NYC/VA wt) to 138 by this Sunday 4/18, and then another 2 weeks to get back to 135 - totally sensible and achievable and I was ahead of it! I was 138.0 on Tuesday and 137.6 yesterday and then today, for no good reason i can see - 138.4 So instead of resting like I planned, I reacted and I got on the elliptical (and cried, because I was tired, and I knew I was doing something stupid that would likely have no relevance on my weight tomorrow and even if it did - so what, I'm ahead of schedule for crying out loud). Because obviously 30 minutes of cardio is going to change my life? WTF?! I'm pretty p-o'd at myself for that - between the disconnect or the refusal to listen or whatever it is - that my brain KNOWS better and yet I still instead react to stuff that doesn't matter. I promised myself I would trust myself, that I would not DO that anymore. I need to grow and get over this kind of thing.
I'm overtired. The good thing is that in taking some time off for the internet guy to come today, I got some rest. I relaxed by the pool AND I had a short little nap (which I needed - softball tonight on top of everything else). I do feel a little better, and a little more sane so I know it helped. Tomorrow is leg day again (deads) and NO cardio, and Saturday needs to be totally OFF. That's the plan. I'm allowed rest!
Another friend of mine recommended accupuncture to me again - for the sleep issues. It's been recommended many times by various people, but I gave in today and I called the place. Unfortunately they were closed, I left a msg but they haven't called back. I promised I would give it a try though, so I will follow up with them tomorrow. It certainly can't hurt, right?
Here's some vid highlights from the week:
Squat (Tuesday 4/13, 155 x 12)
Bench (Wednesday 4/14, 105 x 8)
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Running, RAW, Reservations, and RC :)
I slept like a log last night. Mmmm...sleep. I need a little more of that a little more often. I took Scivation KnockOut and it worked incredibly well. I fell asleep and stayed asleep from about 10:30 until almost 7am! Unheard of :)
Went for a short, easy run today...probably juuuuust around 3 miles (mapmyrun.com says it was 2.99), a little ways down past the bank, then a brief stop there to get cash for the handyman, then home. Including the stop at the ATM it took 30 minutes on the nose, not bad for a non-runner ;)
I had the handyman here for most of the day, fixing various things that have just been piling up for sometime. Well actually I had him here on Monday for that, he had to come back today to REALLY fix one of the things he tried to do on Monday...it went from a 15 minute job to a 4 hour job, complete with a hole in the stairwell wall. Gah!
Anyway while he was here I made my reservations for the Mike Witmer Memorial Open Powerlifting Meet. It was formerly the RAW United Florida State Championships meet, but they renamed it (not sure why). It is June 19-20 in Tampa, FL at the same venue that the Raw Unity Meet was held in January. I mailed my entry form and fee off on Thursday, and today my Southwest Airlines DING! popped up with a *sweet* deal for airfare between West Palm and Tampa...$52 each way - can't drive for that! I also did priceline for a car...going rates without priceline were over $60/day plus taxes/fees/gas, ugh wtf?! With Priceline I got it for $27/day plus taxes/fees/gas. So I am ready to go for that!
I sat and planned my training cycles out for between now and the meet, looks good, I feel good about the timeframe and the schedule.
Raphael has agreed to be my (remote) coach for the day - REALLY excited about that :) I think it'll be a huge help for me just to have someone available to say a few words between lifts, give me some queue reminders, consult for attempt selection if need be, etc. We can do this because this meet will also be streamed live over the internet. So he can watch and then we can consult via phone if need be. It won't be the same as having someone THERE, but I think just knowing I have that someone looking out for me is going to be a great help :)
Tomorrow is a UB/Abs + cardio day. We'll see how I'm feeling by the time cardio rolls around. I am feeling pretty good about my weight, I'm on track with the fat loss goals I set last week when I came home from NYC/VA...I was 141.2 last sunday and today showed me 139.6 for a 1.6lb loss in just under a full week. I gave myself 2 weeks (until sunday 4/18) to lose those 3lbs and get back to where I started before I went on that trip (138.2 the day I left), and decided that I'd see how I was feeling (as far as energy, strength, training) to see if I would continue to try to get those additional 3 I spontaneously added back off and get down to a nice comfy 135 after that. One step at a time though..we're still in phase I. So far I'm feeling pretty good..little tired right now but for the most part I'm definitely strong and feeling ok :)
I'm also pretty pleased with not super over-reacting to the scale. It's fluctuated up and down this week, but I stayed CALM and just stayed the course and it's paying off. It feels sooo much better under 140, even though it's just by a hair. Since today was cardio only I might pop just a tiny bit tomorrow...but I know again...stay calm, stay the course. WHEN I succeed at this, I'm going to feel pretty proud of me, I think :)
Went for a short, easy run today...probably juuuuust around 3 miles (mapmyrun.com says it was 2.99), a little ways down past the bank, then a brief stop there to get cash for the handyman, then home. Including the stop at the ATM it took 30 minutes on the nose, not bad for a non-runner ;)
I had the handyman here for most of the day, fixing various things that have just been piling up for sometime. Well actually I had him here on Monday for that, he had to come back today to REALLY fix one of the things he tried to do on Monday...it went from a 15 minute job to a 4 hour job, complete with a hole in the stairwell wall. Gah!
Anyway while he was here I made my reservations for the Mike Witmer Memorial Open Powerlifting Meet. It was formerly the RAW United Florida State Championships meet, but they renamed it (not sure why). It is June 19-20 in Tampa, FL at the same venue that the Raw Unity Meet was held in January. I mailed my entry form and fee off on Thursday, and today my Southwest Airlines DING! popped up with a *sweet* deal for airfare between West Palm and Tampa...$52 each way - can't drive for that! I also did priceline for a car...going rates without priceline were over $60/day plus taxes/fees/gas, ugh wtf?! With Priceline I got it for $27/day plus taxes/fees/gas. So I am ready to go for that!
I sat and planned my training cycles out for between now and the meet, looks good, I feel good about the timeframe and the schedule.
Raphael has agreed to be my (remote) coach for the day - REALLY excited about that :) I think it'll be a huge help for me just to have someone available to say a few words between lifts, give me some queue reminders, consult for attempt selection if need be, etc. We can do this because this meet will also be streamed live over the internet. So he can watch and then we can consult via phone if need be. It won't be the same as having someone THERE, but I think just knowing I have that someone looking out for me is going to be a great help :)
Tomorrow is a UB/Abs + cardio day. We'll see how I'm feeling by the time cardio rolls around. I am feeling pretty good about my weight, I'm on track with the fat loss goals I set last week when I came home from NYC/VA...I was 141.2 last sunday and today showed me 139.6 for a 1.6lb loss in just under a full week. I gave myself 2 weeks (until sunday 4/18) to lose those 3lbs and get back to where I started before I went on that trip (138.2 the day I left), and decided that I'd see how I was feeling (as far as energy, strength, training) to see if I would continue to try to get those additional 3 I spontaneously added back off and get down to a nice comfy 135 after that. One step at a time though..we're still in phase I. So far I'm feeling pretty good..little tired right now but for the most part I'm definitely strong and feeling ok :)
I'm also pretty pleased with not super over-reacting to the scale. It's fluctuated up and down this week, but I stayed CALM and just stayed the course and it's paying off. It feels sooo much better under 140, even though it's just by a hair. Since today was cardio only I might pop just a tiny bit tomorrow...but I know again...stay calm, stay the course. WHEN I succeed at this, I'm going to feel pretty proud of me, I think :)
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Workout - Not to Be
My inner sane voice won today. Go me :)
Given yesterday's exhaustion, not sleeping (save one night) since before I left for NYC, and actually having slept LAST night...When this morning's alarm went off, my sane voice told me that the extra two hours of sleep would do me far better than any 30 mins of cardio and an abs workout would do.
The fight came when my crazy voice (not so "inner") came out all pissed off with my weight and the silly "gotta do cardio to lose" mentality when really, I know cardio only days really don't buy me much in that department, and a few sets of abs isn't going to change that. I *know* that, it's a fact that I've recorded time after time. And when I got on the scale and saw *only* down 1 full pound from Sunday...the fight got harder.
But really, that's not even a week. I'm on track with the goal I set, which was basically 1.5 this week and 1.5 next week.
So I skipped it. And slept. Mmmmm sleep :)
Go go inner sane voice, go :)
Played softball tonight, and I'm ready for another good sleep. Need it, big deadlift day tomorrow!
Given yesterday's exhaustion, not sleeping (save one night) since before I left for NYC, and actually having slept LAST night...When this morning's alarm went off, my sane voice told me that the extra two hours of sleep would do me far better than any 30 mins of cardio and an abs workout would do.
The fight came when my crazy voice (not so "inner") came out all pissed off with my weight and the silly "gotta do cardio to lose" mentality when really, I know cardio only days really don't buy me much in that department, and a few sets of abs isn't going to change that. I *know* that, it's a fact that I've recorded time after time. And when I got on the scale and saw *only* down 1 full pound from Sunday...the fight got harder.
But really, that's not even a week. I'm on track with the goal I set, which was basically 1.5 this week and 1.5 next week.
So I skipped it. And slept. Mmmmm sleep :)
Go go inner sane voice, go :)
Played softball tonight, and I'm ready for another good sleep. Need it, big deadlift day tomorrow!
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Back Home in FL
I'm home - got home mid-afternoon yesterday. I've been enjoying some quiet "cave-time" to myself since then, it's been wonderful after all that PEOPLE time I had while I was gone. I'm used to a lot more down-time. I didn't have a chance to keep up HERE with my training, but rest assured I kept up with my training. I'll try to update the highlights and then I hope to get back to my regular blogging this week.
After the gym this morning, I did some cleaning up/chores, and then I went to the pool for the first time this season. It was beautiful, and just what I needed. My body loooved feeling the sun - just soaked it up, yummy :) I had a bunch of things to get done for work today too, but it was a quiet, slow paced afternoon with that anyway. I also ordered my CE course for my PT certification. It satisfies the full CE requirement, and I have until August to get it completed. It's on Nutrition, something I definitely need to learn more about.
So I got on the scale today for the first time since I left 12 days ago. Twelve days in NYC/VA and I left at 138.4 and came back at 141.2 this morning. I wasn't happy with hovering at that 138 mark BEFORE I left, so I'm definitely not thrilled here - waaaaay over the line. I don't really know why/how, because I was not out of control and my choices were the same as if I were here,and I kept up with all of my training.
But really I guess I ate out WAY more often, and with all that I did I guess that's not *so* bad. Frustrating, I feel out of control, and the fear is trying to take over. Fear makes it hard to trust :( I DO feel it though, can't deny that - every single gross ounce of it, and I can see it all over, that's not helping. I thought about it all day yesterday during my trip home (I knew I was into the 140s even not having weighed that whole time), and decided that I'm going to track/journal for a while again while I work to bring it back to at least 138.
Goal 2 weeks to 138 (by Sunday, 4/18).
After that I'll see how I'm feeling and maybe go again for 135 with another 2 weeks.
I had a wonderful rest day yesterday (aside from the hassle of travel) and a great workout today. It's so good to be home and in my normal space. I really like this switch to Sundays instead of Saturdays too. Not that I wouldn't prefer to have all of sunday off, but just the gym feels so much better and I feel less rushed and more focused and in my zone without the madness of the saturday morning spin-nazis ;) It's also better timing, better for my recovery, I think.
After the gym this morning, I did some cleaning up/chores, and then I went to the pool for the first time this season. It was beautiful, and just what I needed. My body loooved feeling the sun - just soaked it up, yummy :) I had a bunch of things to get done for work today too, but it was a quiet, slow paced afternoon with that anyway. I also ordered my CE course for my PT certification. It satisfies the full CE requirement, and I have until August to get it completed. It's on Nutrition, something I definitely need to learn more about.
So I got on the scale today for the first time since I left 12 days ago. Twelve days in NYC/VA and I left at 138.4 and came back at 141.2 this morning. I wasn't happy with hovering at that 138 mark BEFORE I left, so I'm definitely not thrilled here - waaaaay over the line. I don't really know why/how, because I was not out of control and my choices were the same as if I were here,and I kept up with all of my training.
But really I guess I ate out WAY more often, and with all that I did I guess that's not *so* bad. Frustrating, I feel out of control, and the fear is trying to take over. Fear makes it hard to trust :( I DO feel it though, can't deny that - every single gross ounce of it, and I can see it all over, that's not helping. I thought about it all day yesterday during my trip home (I knew I was into the 140s even not having weighed that whole time), and decided that I'm going to track/journal for a while again while I work to bring it back to at least 138.
Goal 2 weeks to 138 (by Sunday, 4/18).
After that I'll see how I'm feeling and maybe go again for 135 with another 2 weeks.
I had a wonderful rest day yesterday (aside from the hassle of travel) and a great workout today. It's so good to be home and in my normal space. I really like this switch to Sundays instead of Saturdays too. Not that I wouldn't prefer to have all of sunday off, but just the gym feels so much better and I feel less rushed and more focused and in my zone without the madness of the saturday morning spin-nazis ;) It's also better timing, better for my recovery, I think.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Failing the Trust
Ok ok - I’m freaking inside…and now, openly!
This post has been brewing in me for several days, I have to let it out :(
For a while (all of February, that’s “a while” no? ;) I was maintaining my weight steady/solid between 135 and 136, and set my “wiggle room” to be up to around 138…fear you know, I hate that 4 and never ever want to see it again. That place felt *good* I felt TIGHT, i felt RIGHT.
My weight spiked randomly about 2 weeks ago (not even after a cheat meal - just out of nowhere!) to 139.6 and I somehow managed to avoid *totally* freaking and slowly dropped back down…to 138. And here I sit. 138 – 138.6 day in and day out. Through TOM, after TOM, over the weekend in NC, today, etc. It’s been about 2 weeks sitting.right.here…
So much for trust - I'm trying, but if I'm going to be honest about it right now I am totally failing.
The problem I’m finding with not having been tracking everything is I can’t today go back and look at what I was doing in February to see if there are big differences in food. There ARE big differences in w/o…definitely doing more and going heavier.
I could go ahead and put everything in from today and have a solid idea of what I’ve been eating for the past few weeks, it still doesn’t vary much..but I'm resisting that...trying to hang on to that ideal of trusting myself, I guess.
I KNOW I’m getting stronger (PRs everywhere), my shoulders are bigger, my upper body is lean (shoulders/upper back..hell my ribs are clear as day, but then there’s still that blob of gross at the abs…), I think my legs are leaner (& bigger!), I have three pair of size 4 pants that are in regular rotation in my wardrobe….but here I am at that *&!@% scale again :( I’m having a hard time reconciling gaining muscle sufficient enough to have shifted the scale like that…
See, I set 138 as a warning – a line in the sand – do not cross! How long ago was it that 138 was such a huge victory for me and now I loathe it and don’t feel particularly good about myself here at it.
What is WRONG with me?!
I could eat more? I could eat less? I don't know where to go with this, without having a solid idea of what I have been doing...do I want to go back to tracking though? That was borderline (or maybe it was) compulsive behavior...I don't want to invite that back in so quickly. "Wait and see" a little longer? The shoot is in 1 week, not a whole lot of time to wait...
Trying to get the head on here...reality and gut check...
GUT says I shouldn't/can't eat less and keep going like I am, it's not too much food doing this (then doubt jumps in and says - maybe it's because you just don't WANT to eat less).
REALITY says - you're stronger. You have a new line or maybe a "cut" starting to show on your back that wasn't there before, you did a few chin-ups and almost one pull-up for the first time today, you can see tendons in your wrist pop out (new!), and umm...3 pair of size 4 pants? WTF is the problem...it's JUST A NUMBER (then doubt jumps in and says - you're out of control, it's a downward spiral. First you cross 138, then 139...)
So I sit on it. This is what I've been doing - it's circular. Every night it goes round and round in my head and I sit here not knowing what to do and not trusting to recognize the right thing if it hit me in the head.
I also sit here now with the fear of being judged as not having anything to worry about, that my feelings on this are ridiculous or frivolous over 3 or 4 pounds. No NORMAL person freaks over 3 or 4 pounds after all. Ok so I'm not normal, so what. And my feelings here are valid, I have fear. Perhaps I shouldn't - I totally acknowledge that, but that does not, unfortunately, diminish the extent to which I feel it.
This too is a process I guess, with it's own ups and downs, highs and lows. RC posted a Daily Motivator today for Ms. T, "the journey is the reward." Hmmmm...
This post has been brewing in me for several days, I have to let it out :(
For a while (all of February, that’s “a while” no? ;) I was maintaining my weight steady/solid between 135 and 136, and set my “wiggle room” to be up to around 138…fear you know, I hate that 4 and never ever want to see it again. That place felt *good* I felt TIGHT, i felt RIGHT.
My weight spiked randomly about 2 weeks ago (not even after a cheat meal - just out of nowhere!) to 139.6 and I somehow managed to avoid *totally* freaking and slowly dropped back down…to 138. And here I sit. 138 – 138.6 day in and day out. Through TOM, after TOM, over the weekend in NC, today, etc. It’s been about 2 weeks sitting.right.here…
So much for trust - I'm trying, but if I'm going to be honest about it right now I am totally failing.
The problem I’m finding with not having been tracking everything is I can’t today go back and look at what I was doing in February to see if there are big differences in food. There ARE big differences in w/o…definitely doing more and going heavier.
I could go ahead and put everything in from today and have a solid idea of what I’ve been eating for the past few weeks, it still doesn’t vary much..but I'm resisting that...trying to hang on to that ideal of trusting myself, I guess.
I KNOW I’m getting stronger (PRs everywhere), my shoulders are bigger, my upper body is lean (shoulders/upper back..hell my ribs are clear as day, but then there’s still that blob of gross at the abs…), I think my legs are leaner (& bigger!), I have three pair of size 4 pants that are in regular rotation in my wardrobe….but here I am at that *&!@% scale again :( I’m having a hard time reconciling gaining muscle sufficient enough to have shifted the scale like that…
See, I set 138 as a warning – a line in the sand – do not cross! How long ago was it that 138 was such a huge victory for me and now I loathe it and don’t feel particularly good about myself here at it.
What is WRONG with me?!
I could eat more? I could eat less? I don't know where to go with this, without having a solid idea of what I have been doing...do I want to go back to tracking though? That was borderline (or maybe it was) compulsive behavior...I don't want to invite that back in so quickly. "Wait and see" a little longer? The shoot is in 1 week, not a whole lot of time to wait...
Trying to get the head on here...reality and gut check...
GUT says I shouldn't/can't eat less and keep going like I am, it's not too much food doing this (then doubt jumps in and says - maybe it's because you just don't WANT to eat less).
REALITY says - you're stronger. You have a new line or maybe a "cut" starting to show on your back that wasn't there before, you did a few chin-ups and almost one pull-up for the first time today, you can see tendons in your wrist pop out (new!), and umm...3 pair of size 4 pants? WTF is the problem...it's JUST A NUMBER (then doubt jumps in and says - you're out of control, it's a downward spiral. First you cross 138, then 139...)
So I sit on it. This is what I've been doing - it's circular. Every night it goes round and round in my head and I sit here not knowing what to do and not trusting to recognize the right thing if it hit me in the head.
I also sit here now with the fear of being judged as not having anything to worry about, that my feelings on this are ridiculous or frivolous over 3 or 4 pounds. No NORMAL person freaks over 3 or 4 pounds after all. Ok so I'm not normal, so what. And my feelings here are valid, I have fear. Perhaps I shouldn't - I totally acknowledge that, but that does not, unfortunately, diminish the extent to which I feel it.
This too is a process I guess, with it's own ups and downs, highs and lows. RC posted a Daily Motivator today for Ms. T, "the journey is the reward." Hmmmm...
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Trust...Not Just a Fair Weather Friend
So this week, I saw my weight bump up a bit, and I'm not entirely sure why. Didn't really change anything in terms of how or what I was eating. I did eat out with coworkers once (and was up the following day), but I ate nothing even remotely "off," and I didn't even have a cheat meal this week (hah maybe that's why!). There was also quite a bit of stuff going on this week with work, stressy stuff...I KNOW that can play a role, as much as I'd like to deny it, so there's that to consider as well.
But anyway, for the first time in...I dunno, I think since just after New Years Day, it bumped up over 138.0...in fact, it didn't even just eeek over the edge, it jumped all the way up to 139.4. I don't even like TYPING that number, it makes me very uncomfortable, gah. Thursday was 138.2, the 139.4 was Friday. This morning it was 138.6, so we're dropping...I'll feel better under 138 but I'll take the slow drop - it'll get there. Plus it's dropping despite TOM starting today...so maybe it was just hormonal :)
Seeing that caused *a lot* of doubt in me, and nearly turned me running straight for my dear nutrition tracking program! I didn't even open it, but I thought about it a lot...flirted with the little icon on my computer even ;) But I held out, took LOTS of deep breaths, stayed the course, and here we are today...slooooow-llyyyyy coming back down.
I'm glad I held out, the lesson that lies within, I think: Trust..she can't only be a fair weather friend. Can't only trust myself when things are smooth sailing, that's when it's easy (ish ;)!
Ok so...on to training this week! I spent some time with this decision today, but I just decided that I'm not going to take the deload this week that I'm scheduled for. My schedule is looking insane towards the end of the month, with travel scheduled back to NYC (where it's surprisingly ridiculously hard to find a PLACE to get my training) for 4 days, followed immediately by another week back in VA with Dad. I read an article on EliteFTS about getting your deload on a few weeks ago that said as long as you DO it, and the number of deload sessions is consistent with the approximate amount of time you were training, then it's good. For instance...you may only need 2 or 3 deload sessions before resuming normal training if you do it every 4 weeks or so, whereas you may need 4 or 5 if you only deload once every 8 weeks. So I think I'm going to hold out and move the deload out to the last week in March to better handle this little confounder, and I think it should be just fine. I can resume training in VA the following week with little difficulty (aside from all my gear, gah ;)
Finally - I think I'm changing the name of my blog here...in fact I think I'll implement that change when I'm done with this here posty. But *someone* made a suggestion that I really dig, so I'm going to go ahead and take it. And speaking of *someone,* Mr. RC officially started his show prep today :) Really looking forward to watching that unfold over the next several months...all good things ahead :)
But anyway, for the first time in...I dunno, I think since just after New Years Day, it bumped up over 138.0...in fact, it didn't even just eeek over the edge, it jumped all the way up to 139.4. I don't even like TYPING that number, it makes me very uncomfortable, gah. Thursday was 138.2, the 139.4 was Friday. This morning it was 138.6, so we're dropping...I'll feel better under 138 but I'll take the slow drop - it'll get there. Plus it's dropping despite TOM starting today...so maybe it was just hormonal :)
Seeing that caused *a lot* of doubt in me, and nearly turned me running straight for my dear nutrition tracking program! I didn't even open it, but I thought about it a lot...flirted with the little icon on my computer even ;) But I held out, took LOTS of deep breaths, stayed the course, and here we are today...slooooow-llyyyyy coming back down.
I'm glad I held out, the lesson that lies within, I think: Trust..she can't only be a fair weather friend. Can't only trust myself when things are smooth sailing, that's when it's easy (ish ;)!
Ok so...on to training this week! I spent some time with this decision today, but I just decided that I'm not going to take the deload this week that I'm scheduled for. My schedule is looking insane towards the end of the month, with travel scheduled back to NYC (where it's surprisingly ridiculously hard to find a PLACE to get my training) for 4 days, followed immediately by another week back in VA with Dad. I read an article on EliteFTS about getting your deload on a few weeks ago that said as long as you DO it, and the number of deload sessions is consistent with the approximate amount of time you were training, then it's good. For instance...you may only need 2 or 3 deload sessions before resuming normal training if you do it every 4 weeks or so, whereas you may need 4 or 5 if you only deload once every 8 weeks. So I think I'm going to hold out and move the deload out to the last week in March to better handle this little confounder, and I think it should be just fine. I can resume training in VA the following week with little difficulty (aside from all my gear, gah ;)
Finally - I think I'm changing the name of my blog here...in fact I think I'll implement that change when I'm done with this here posty. But *someone* made a suggestion that I really dig, so I'm going to go ahead and take it. And speaking of *someone,* Mr. RC officially started his show prep today :) Really looking forward to watching that unfold over the next several months...all good things ahead :)
Felt Good and Ran With It!
Literally!
I had some *amazing* sleep last night, just wonderful, solid sleep - and plenty of it! I woke up feeling equally amazing, and it was a beautiful morning - bright blue sky and sunshine. I checked the weather...that's the forecast for the whole day, and finally some warmth coming back to this state! YES!
The urge to run came over me...I haven't felt that in a long, LONG time. Given the gorgeous day ahead, I was tempted to lace up the shoes and head out the door. But it's been a long time since I've run, and outside gives me more opportunity to push myself, cuz who knows where I'd end up ;)
So today was a planned off day, but I think as much as I need to listen to myself and NOT workout when I feel the need to rest, I need to honor the desire to do so when I'm feeling great. Laced up the shoes and hit the gym :)
Got a nice dynamic warm-up in, a little stretching after that, then hopped on the treadmill. Started with a moderate walk, then a brisk walk, then a nice slow jog, and then a full on run. It felt *fantastic* All in all I went 2 miles in 21 mins and then slowed it on down for another 3 or 4 minutes, then switched over to the elliptical for another 15 mins or so. Finished my time at the gym with a nice long, full body stretching session. Wrapped everything up with a little walk across the way to Starbucks and grabbed a coffee to go. Delicious morning, all around :)
I was surprised how great the run felt, I expected to feel jarring in my lower back immediately, I expected the knees to yell...knees never yelled. I started to feel the jarring at about 19 minutes, but being so close to 2 miles I did push on through that ;) Tomorrow will probably tell more, but right now I'm just feeling super invigorated.
Later, there will be some sunshine shinin' down on this body :)
I had some *amazing* sleep last night, just wonderful, solid sleep - and plenty of it! I woke up feeling equally amazing, and it was a beautiful morning - bright blue sky and sunshine. I checked the weather...that's the forecast for the whole day, and finally some warmth coming back to this state! YES!
The urge to run came over me...I haven't felt that in a long, LONG time. Given the gorgeous day ahead, I was tempted to lace up the shoes and head out the door. But it's been a long time since I've run, and outside gives me more opportunity to push myself, cuz who knows where I'd end up ;)
So today was a planned off day, but I think as much as I need to listen to myself and NOT workout when I feel the need to rest, I need to honor the desire to do so when I'm feeling great. Laced up the shoes and hit the gym :)
Got a nice dynamic warm-up in, a little stretching after that, then hopped on the treadmill. Started with a moderate walk, then a brisk walk, then a nice slow jog, and then a full on run. It felt *fantastic* All in all I went 2 miles in 21 mins and then slowed it on down for another 3 or 4 minutes, then switched over to the elliptical for another 15 mins or so. Finished my time at the gym with a nice long, full body stretching session. Wrapped everything up with a little walk across the way to Starbucks and grabbed a coffee to go. Delicious morning, all around :)
I was surprised how great the run felt, I expected to feel jarring in my lower back immediately, I expected the knees to yell...knees never yelled. I started to feel the jarring at about 19 minutes, but being so close to 2 miles I did push on through that ;) Tomorrow will probably tell more, but right now I'm just feeling super invigorated.
Later, there will be some sunshine shinin' down on this body :)
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Ooohh Soreness, Good Morning to You!
The sore from squats on Tuesday settled in overnight, even sore/tender to the touch. Lily walked over my leg this morning when the alarm went off and her little paw was like a jab from a big iron stick or something. Ow ;) Reset the alarm until a little before 6am (mmm....8 hours sleep!) and decided that "cardio" will come from the walk between the garage where I'm dropping my car off to be fixed, and work. Just some movement really. Softball tonight, hopefully I'll be able to move ;) I think once I GET moving it'll feel better, the walk should help!
Yesterday the compiled clip of lifts from the Raw Unity Meet arrived, nice and clear yay :) Here it is:
Disregard the "Meet Record" mentions by the announcer during the deadlifts at the end, he lied ;)
Yesterday the compiled clip of lifts from the Raw Unity Meet arrived, nice and clear yay :) Here it is:
Disregard the "Meet Record" mentions by the announcer during the deadlifts at the end, he lied ;)
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Leaving Fear, Finding Comfort
Completely out of the blue Yesterday I got an email forwarded from Raphael that says, "check out your after pics here --- very different body compared to now!" So I look a little closer at the body of the email...it's a forward of an email I sent to him dated 9/2006 with some before and "after" pictures attached. So I opened the pix up and this is what I heard in my head ...
"oh god! *really?* Frumpy! Could really lose a lot more, still kinda fat!" I estimated my weight in those pix to be around 160ish? I was actually pretty harsh on myself with the thoughts I had about the pix, but you get the idea. Anyway, this is what I saw...
 |
| From After |
Ugh ugh ugh! and I'm thinking why is he sending these to me?
So out of curiosity, I log into the eDiets database and I go to the weigh-in history around 9/2006 and then I know why...
My weigh-in history from that time:
09/18/2006 - 140
09/11/2006 - 141
08/28/2006 - 142
08/21/2006 – 139.5
09/11/2006 - 141
08/28/2006 - 142
08/21/2006 – 139.5
Ummm.....*oh*
WOW. Is that right?! That can't be right!
Now here's a recent picture:
 |
| From After |
That was me on 11/23/2009 and my weight that day is logged as 137.8.
Umm...seriously. floored.
Those few pounds that I fought for for SO LONG trying to originally, to FINALLY get to goal back in 2008....the time that I spent agonizing over the scale from about the time those first pictures were taken in 2006 until I finally got to goal in October 2008, the time I spent agonizing over the scale again when I started gaining some again in 2009 and then trying to take it back off again...all of it the times that I thought I was absolutely going nowhere because the scale would BARELY budge...the days I spent beating myself up in my head "it took you more than 2 years to lose *6 pounds*.."
it was working :)
And I had *no idea.* I was so so so totally number/scale weight focused I couldn't see THESE changes ..but the pictures aren't lying, they are truly undeniable. Essentially the WEIGHT between 2006 and 2010 is unchanged.
3 years, 2lbs...a world of difference.
And I had *no idea.* I was so so so totally number/scale weight focused I couldn't see THESE changes ..but the pictures aren't lying, they are truly undeniable. Essentially the WEIGHT between 2006 and 2010 is unchanged.
3 years, 2lbs...a world of difference.
There's a point here, but it's hard to SAY. I feel it in me, but I don't know how to put words around it. My friend Honu, and T also are on my mind a lot with this, but it really applies across the board for everyone. This never stops, constantly evolving process...constantly learning, growing...
All the little changes, the battles you fight every day - they ARE worth something, even if the scale tells you differently. Just I guess...I wish I had something to say that sounded a little more clever or profound or something but...just ... never quit.
So much has been coming together for me recently...I had been on I guess, sort of a mental plateau. You know that we all go through these stages where we lose the fat and everything is great, then we get stuck, and we battle...that's where this mental change/growth happens. But I had gotten stuck stuck stuck, so focused on getting the weight back off. I posted sort of about this when I got home from VA, but it's been coming more and more together for me over the past few weeks. I posted more about it here about a week or so ago, I think about it a lot - I'm changing.
Seeing these pictures just helped to solidify that deeper...instead of just "knowing," I really *know* and I really FEEL and believe it emotionally. The tide of the battle is taking a turn, in the way I see me, the way I see food and exercise it's all FINALLY changing and some of the fear is going, and some COMFORT is settling in. I'm not letting it rule my life and alter how I feel about myself - I will NOT! There's still work there, and I doubt the fear will ever 100% go away, but for now...it feels absolutely FREEING, amazing, and incredible.
Thank you, Raphael :)
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Still Learning :)
So I was going to try to train today, but...*hangs head* I overdid it on Friday and I can't - still waaaay too sore and stiff and it'd do more harm than good. I started the week right, not killing myself first time "back" after so long being off pre/post meet. I did well all week..and I guess I thought I could just go for it already on Friday...so I did. HAH! I went back to the kind of volume I hadn't done probably for at least 10 or 12 weeks...not good, gotta build up to that kinda crap. Apparently I'm still not *really* listening, because I do know better....
So...slowing it back down. Lesson learned (again, no really - THIS time I learned ;)
Tentative plans, based on wishful recovery thinking below, actual results may differ ;)
Sunday: REST
Monday: 30c
Tuesday: Squats
Wednesday: Bench + 20 HIIT
Thursday: 30c
Friday: Deads
Saturday: Arms/Sh + 30c
Sunglasses trainer guy made a good point the other day. He asked me about training my abs...I do train abs specifically a few times each week, but not hard. A few tough (4? 5?) sets a 3-4 days each week and that's that. My thinking has been that my core gets a pretty good workout every day I train, it's gotta be fully engaged for every lift else I'm flat out on my ass or hurting myself. He suggested I rethink that and I'm thinking he may be right. At least one day/wk with some focus?
So...slowing it back down. Lesson learned (again, no really - THIS time I learned ;)
Tentative plans, based on wishful recovery thinking below, actual results may differ ;)
Sunday: REST
Monday: 30c
Tuesday: Squats
Wednesday: Bench + 20 HIIT
Thursday: 30c
Friday: Deads
Saturday: Arms/Sh + 30c
Sunglasses trainer guy made a good point the other day. He asked me about training my abs...I do train abs specifically a few times each week, but not hard. A few tough (4? 5?) sets a 3-4 days each week and that's that. My thinking has been that my core gets a pretty good workout every day I train, it's gotta be fully engaged for every lift else I'm flat out on my ass or hurting myself. He suggested I rethink that and I'm thinking he may be right. At least one day/wk with some focus?
Saturday, February 6, 2010
First Post, No Pressure
So here we are, inaugural post and all....no pressure or anything to come up with something INTERESTING to say :) "All Your Strength...Everything You Got." I decided to make that full quote (from Rocky IV) the sort of prevailing "theme" of this blog, since it sort of is how I approach things these days, particularly the THING of powerlifting. It's the perfect note to have running through your head when you walk out onto that platform, "...all your strength, all your power, all your love, everything you got!"
A good friend of mine said that to me before one of my first meets, which at this time is still less than just a year ago. But it was perfect, it stuck with me, and now I carry it in my heart in training and on the platform.
Anyway, I thought I'd use this space as my training blog, space to work through the nerd side of me, the one that likes to manipulate numbers and create training plans and obsess over bits and details of things that would otherwise probably make a lot of people crazy (not to mention bored). It's my space for working through things, but hopefully a space for learning too. If you happen to be reading and see something totally whack or that could easily be improved with a minor tweak or two, please let me know. I've a lot to learn :)
A good friend of mine said that to me before one of my first meets, which at this time is still less than just a year ago. But it was perfect, it stuck with me, and now I carry it in my heart in training and on the platform.
Anyway, I thought I'd use this space as my training blog, space to work through the nerd side of me, the one that likes to manipulate numbers and create training plans and obsess over bits and details of things that would otherwise probably make a lot of people crazy (not to mention bored). It's my space for working through things, but hopefully a space for learning too. If you happen to be reading and see something totally whack or that could easily be improved with a minor tweak or two, please let me know. I've a lot to learn :)
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