I'm taking it as a sign of growth, that the past few days that the brain has been objecting loudly to EVERYTHING. Telling me I can't do this, it's too hard, it was easier the old way...the one that comes up a lot is, "you felt in control the old way"
HAH That's the dead giveaway right there. I realized that was not ME talking today when I read Calorie Restriction as Emotional Distraction by @MisheMarie.
That was WtLoss Cathy talking I guess...she feels very out of control right now. And she should, because I'm doing things differently than she'd like. I'm pushing through the fear and trying to just LIVE with it, until my body and I learn to trust again..until we get better aquainted. Every day that I get on that scale (still failing #30daynoscale challenge) and it says a number that I LOATHE and that I FEAR, and I continue to choose to eat right (not restrict) and rest (if I need it), or workout (not excessively) then I am taking a step closer to being totally front and center and SHE will be totally out of control.
Yesterday that meant going for a quick walk in the middle of the day to shake off my coworker's comments. Last night that meant just giving up on #fitblog and going to bed, because the noise in my head was too loud, because brain & wt loss Cathy were trying to gang up on me and convince me I'm weak, that I can't do this, and that I can't handle it..."you know all this stuff you're feeling right now? all this shame? All this fear? All this anxiety? It will *totally* go away if you just..." (insert: go do some more cardio, cut that apple out of your diet, banana AND milk in that post workout shake, really??)
I know I'm still going to win this...I just needed to say this out loud - this is really hard and scary.
Unrelatedly - today's last sets:
Sumos - 233 x 3
Bench - 77 x 4 (all paused)
Rack Pulls - 248 x 4
And now...I'm pooped. I think I've got to readjust to these kinds of workouts...even though this stuff isn't super heavy, it's just really heavy volume (which I love).
Dinner, then early to bed again, me thinks.
Cathy,
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain and struggle. I know its hard, this whole lifestyle change is so overwhelming mentally and emotionally. As we both know obtaining the calorie deficit is the easy part, the hard part is dealing with trying to accept ourself. I often hear those noises in my head also. I also pick on little things like why did I eat that extra apple, or why didn't I workout longer and etc, Its like I am afraid the weight will creep back up on me. When these times hit I try to always remind myself of something, and that is that nobody living a decently healthy lifestyle becomes overweight, its doesn't happen, unless they have something medically wrong with them. Its so easy to get lost in the details, sometimes we get so lost we sabotage ourselves. When I think of things that way it sometimes calms me down.
I support you all the way! Hope you know that!
Alan
Thanks to Alan I just found your great blog, what a story. I've been inspired by Mistress Krista of http://www.stumptuous.com/ have you read her? She doesn't focus on weight loss. And now that that is not your focus you two seem a great match. She advocates for women to lift, and be strong and, as she says "butch up". She's very motivating, informative, and if you wrote to her that you were formerly not 115lbs and now you are and do power lifting it would float her boat.
ReplyDeleteAs for your current anxiety...it really is all mental...and asking for help is always a great start. Good luck
Alan thank you, I do know it and appreciate it very much :)
ReplyDeleteChris thank you too, I'm going to go check out Ms Krista shortly. Definitely all mental, and I'm starting to find my way through it...lots of help here and IRL too :)