Introspective...

So this is going to make me slow down, which is something I've probably needed to do anyway, ignored and ignored and ignored, until it hit me over the head. Or knocked me over, literally.

If you read earlier, the Dr has given me the go-ahead for some body weight exercises and swimming, to get started immediately. I was delighted with the "go" orders, even with the swimming, something I've generally only resorted to when injured. I was rejoicing in this when Honu pointed out that even with that, I'm sort of forced (not the right word, but I can't find it) inward...it's quiet time in the pool, no music, no talking, nothing but you and your thoughts.

This afternoon after work, I went straight to the gym and hit the pool. I didn't go overboard, I'm just starting...

2 warm-up lengths
then 3 sets:
20 hip abduction, adduction
20 fwd/rear leg raises
6 lengths of the pool
2 cool-down lengths

Not a ton of time, but enough time spent to get in my head. I can't say what I pondered specifically, but there was a lot of back and forth with myself about my workouts, nutrition, my behavior when it comes to those things, and my inability to stay off the scale (I tried yesterday, and again today...there's another day ahead tomorrow).

Last night, the guy I had a date with on my birthday asked how the knee was holding up. I shared that it was improving, and I had gone for a test drive that was quite successful. He suggested we reschedule our date for that evening. Hey why not, I thought. So I knew I was going out, and I found myself "saving" calories for the possibility of having a drink and dinner out. I thought nothing of it, that was "normal" for me. I thought it was "planning ahead," a good choice. Easy to fall into comfy, "normal" behaviors...

Ahh well..dating sucks, and the date was soooo not a match. I did have one glass of wine, but that was it. I drove home hungry, made some dinner, and logged my day in my nutrition journal, including the glass of wine. 1198 calories. Ugh, really? Ugh. (on a side note, I slept like crap last night - I fully believe the two are related).

All swimming around my head...swimming.

At the grocery store after the gym it hit me, where I went wrong. I'm not on a diet! Yes I'm trying to maintain a healthy lifestyle, but that behavior, budgeting/planning/saving calories...that's "diet" behavior. That's "normal" only in the land of Cathy, and the "normal" I'm trying to get away from right now. There's nothing necessarily WRONG with it in and of itself, but that is not where I'm supposed to be. I'm supposed to be able to enjoy a dinner out once in a while. I'm supposed to LET GO and be able to go and do things like...go on a date and not be freaked out about it. Like enjoy a slice of freaking pizza (we're back to where all this started with that one) and not feel like I have to do extra cardio or starve myself to "make up for" that choice.

I always feel like I'm not articulating myself very well, I hope this is coming across as it is in my head. This was a BIG moment for me...

If I save calories, "budget," or "plan" or whatever you want to call it...I'm taking away my ability to let go and enjoy. If it's only once in a while, I have that choice, and I can make it.

I can make that choice this Saturday. I can go about my day as usual, and then meet up with the guy I rescheduled with from this past Tuesday. I can make the choice at that time to have a drink, or not. To make the healthiest choice on the menu,the worst choice on the menu, or anything in between. Maybe celebrate my birthday a little late, and get dessert...the choice? All mine...

I have the choice :)

Yay for introspection. Yay for swimming. Yay for choice :)

(And today, a respectable total of ~1450 @ 45/30/25)

***
Edit
I wrote that, and this came across Twitter. It ends with me and tears, and these words:

If you are still teetering on the brink of illness, I invite you to step firmly onto the solid ground of health. Walk back toward the world. Gather strength as you go. Listen to your own inner voice, not the voice of the eating disorder—as you recover, your voice will get clearer and louder, and eventually the voice of the eating disorder will recede. Give it time. Don’t give up. Love yourself absolutely. Take back your life.