So Dave has yet to get back to me, I'm starting to worry maybe he wasn't serious when he offered to coach me. On the other hand, I'm not really ready to go until next week when i get back anyway, soo...just trying to go with the flow for now.
I am anxious to really start lifting again, so I will do a good w/o tomorrow, and will try to fit one in while I'm away, although the time is looking really tight. The hotel says it has free weights, but I called today and I think it's really just much more of your typical hotel gym. There's a gym just 2 blocks away at the guest pass price of $10 but I don't think I can swing the time even at the crack o'dawn. We do what we can...
I saw Christie today, short session but I'm glad it was there. Feeling a little crazy with this week upon me...we talked about that interview I did last week, where I remembered/realized all of the *things*
I told her I'm afraid to stop DOING. For so long I worked towards this weight goal, or that running goal, or becoming a personal trainer, or getting my master's, or moving, or finding a new job, or x, y, z, and 1, 2, 3. Somewhere I lost sight of the amazingness of how all those things felt and forgot to just BE in them, to just feel them and celebrate just where I was...pause before moving forward. So for 10 years now or so...push push push...stronger, better, smarter, farther, faster, harder...there's always MORE...she said she really wants me to focus on just being more connected to the here and now. This goes back to appreciating my body, and all the little things it does every day for me.. Nothing wrong with setting goals, but the closer I am to the here, the now, the ME TODAY, the more connected I will feel with my body and what I REALLY want, instead of just go go go go go all the time on auto-pilot, and because it was part of some plan. She said, "You're a human BEING, not a human doing."
She asked me how I thought that felt, I told her - scary. It feels a little like settling, or giving in, or becoming passive, or..I don't know what, it just feels a little scary.
She asked me if I thought about any additional foods and adding them back in to my diet. At the meet last weekend I had some apples, Fuji apples. They were *really* good, so I said apples. She thought I should think about adding them back into my diet...I hesitated, "now? before Tuesday?" (Tuesday is the shoot day). I feel like an asshole writing that, but I'm not hiding this stuff anymore...YES, I've cut apples pretty much completely out of my diet. YES I'm afraid right now to add them back in. We agreed I could try it on Wednesday, and to better balance it add a string cheese to it. And not change anything else (meaning, don't cut something else out to "make room for" the apple + string cheese snack). I was afraid of the milk, and that has worked just fine and it feels really good. I actually *enjoy* that meal...it might be the only one. So I have to just trust that this will be just fine too...
Today I got the house straightened up, did all the laundry, and got some sunshine. Tomorrow I'll need to actually start packing (ugh), and deal with the sheets on the bed and fun stuff like that. Hopefully a touch more sunshine before I go too :) I got Carol to come back and check on the kitties while I'm gone, she rocks :)
Wow...lot's to think about Cathy. And it's all good. It's funny because, as you know, I have always tended to resist setting goals and whatnot. So it's this continual process of trying to figure how to get what I think I want...or really, to figure out what the heck it is I want in the first place. Have you asked yourself what you want? I don't mean in terms of the number on the scale or being able to lift X pounds...what do you really want?
ReplyDeleteI'm not much of a goal setter either. I went to law schoold bc I was pi$$ed off about hitting a salary wall at work. I had my kids when I did bc I knew I wanted to be a mommy but wasn't sure about what career path I wanted. When I try to think of "where I want to be in 5 years" I draw a blank - I am generally content where I am and would count my blessings if I could stay this happy, healthy and successful at work with the strong family relationships and friendships I have now.
ReplyDeleteI hope Dave comes through for you, but if not, then he wouldn't have been the right person for you anyway.
No wonder I get deja vu reading your blog and Tara's. This is from her "Forget the GOAL remember the Now" post:
ReplyDeleteTo finalize all this, I receive “permission” to let go of the goal of competing. Cathy gives me permission. As if sent from above I take this permission and run with it! Even though I knew I had to just “let go” it takes someone else saying it’s okay to let go? What’s up with that? (another blog I suppose! LOL) Cathy says, “why don’t you just focus on the Tara that you are now. The Tara that you’ve become. Forget the figure goal for this week and just appreciate what you’ve accomplished.” Mark said to me last week, “you can only do what you can. The rest will follow when you are doing what you know you have to. Stressing about it doesn’t change anything.” It’s what I have to do… let go. “Forgetting” the figure goal for now doesn’t mean my efforts won’t be in working towards this. I need to get back what I’ve lost… appreciation for everything I’ve accomplished. Remebering… honoring all I’ve achieved – mentally and physically. Mentally let go and be in the NOW!
Cathy helped me see what I’d forgotten. The parts of me I’ve lost and instead of loving myself, my journey and accomplishments, I’ve turned it into a source of abuse. Cathy saved me from a very abusive relationship… with myself. I know I’ve made a lot of progress mentally, and I’ve had some truly profound “aha” moments recently, but I feel like this just finalized those occurrences. It tied it all together. I feel complete right now. I’m still aware this is a process, but I feel whole right now. It feels very good. “Good” is a sucky word…. it feels very… pure and right
Just as Cathy says, this is a process and I’m sure I’ll have to keep bringing myself back to this. But damn it! I feel very empowered right now.
It's always easier when it's someone else, no? Easy to see things much clearer...she's often my "sane voice" and I'm often hers...we're clear when we can remove ourselves from the picture. I think sometimes that makes me feel even MORE crazy, because I KNOW the right things...but acting on them...
ReplyDeleteI am working on being in the now, I'm learning how to let go and live, I know it's a process that is going to take a long time...setting goal after goal, looking to the next thing out - that got me through a LOT of things over the past 10 years...but I need a rest. It's kind of hard for me to live in the now, but I am so happy to see good, solid, *happy* examples in the two of you.
Karen, to answer your question...what I really want? I want to learn BALANCE. I feel like I've been saying this for years...I'm very obviously a person of extremes, I throw myself into virtually everything I do. Which has it's benefits, it's strengths...but it leaves little time for me just BEING, and being truly happy. So what I really want is to learn that..the fine line between living in the now and being happy with me now as I am, experiencing the joy in that, but also being able to make progress and go after things I truly want, as I find them without losing that in the process.
So what I really want RIGHT now, is to pull back a little, just live and be happy. I want to feel normal, I kinda want less "drive" hahah...it just feels foreign to let go of it.
Trying...
And Dave just sent me an email just now, so I'm going to go check it out :)
Thanks guys you are rock solid for me, thank you.
Coco, I am glad I'm not the only one who feels that way ("where I want to be in 5 years" I draw a blank) ;-)
ReplyDeleteAnd yeah, it's always easier when it's someone else.
And back at the beginning of 2009, when I was all in a tangle, the one thing I had figured out is that what I really want was to be heard. I have that now and so much is happening because of it. It's like I finally gave myself permission to express myself and now I am filled up with writing, not food.
Today on Twitter MizFit wrote "it is heartbreaking to me to see so many talentedTALENTED women waste precious energy fretting about weight." and I responded: "stopping the fretting allows women to pursue talent, which fills them, so they stop turning to food."
Anyhoo...Cathy I have total faith that you will find that balance you crave. And you will at the same time honor your drive. :-)