All Things Power

Seriously, It's September?!

2011-09-02T18:25:00.002-04:00

End of Week Training Update
Bench went well on Thursday, i was really happy with this session. The plan called for 5 x 5 @ 110. I went in thinking I'd pause sets 1, 3, and 5, and go touch&go on 2 and 4. I quickly changed my mind on that ;)

Bench - 5 x 5(ish) @ 110

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Happy with a good pause on at least the first 3 reps of sets 1 - 4.
On sets 4 and 5 the spot I got was just the tiiiiiniest bit of assistance through the sticking point, then hands off again.

Next week, I'll advance set one to 112 and go for all paused reps, then go back to 110 for the other 4 sets since I'm not quite ready to move on yet.

On to squats! Up to 135 for 5 x 5 on squats and they felt easier and better than ever. I do have one set on video but it's not so helpful so we'll skip it today. RC commented that it was my best squat session so far, that's promising, since squat is his thang. I did well keeping my elbows down and breathing through the squat...I'm excited to see where I can take this the next few weeks!

I've also identified a tremendous strength difference between my right and left quad. My right knee is the one that's frequently messed up, so maybe that explains the difference, but it is VERY pronounced. I'll be spending the next several weeks also trying to correct that.

On Another Front
Mentally struggling a bit with the food/weight thing this week. That's probably an understatement, but...I'm still trying to sort through it all and also I made an agreement with myself today, that the freaking out could resume if I still felt like a crazy person on TUESDAY. Until then...we're trying to chill out over here, and trying not to over-react and make any drastic changes. This morning (before the agreement with myself), I almost called Christie in a panic, but I calmed down and will just leave my already scheduled appointment where it is (9/14). I have to learn to deal with this. I guess that's progress...it is for the next few days anyway!

And Another One
Not a lot of news to share on the job front...a few leads, but nothing of substance, and no interviews...yet!

No Letting Up!

2011-08-30T14:56:00.003-04:00

Meet Results
Saturday - what an amazing day! All the prep - training, nutrition, visualization...all of it came together for those three minutes worth of lifting. It really is amazing to look at everything that is done in preparation versus the time spent on the platform, but honestly - it is such a rush it is totally worth it.

The day went on considerably longer than expected, but I was still pumped when it was finally time to start warming up! When the flights were posted I was a HAPPY girl to see my name listed *seventh* in the flight of 10 people (mixed men & women). Lifting order is determined by the amount of weight being lifted. Typically, I'm first - opening with the lightest attempt of the group. Seventh was pretty hot, I think I even opened after one of the guys :)

Warm-ups felt a little rusty, but went along as planned. On my last warm-up (a single at 250), my foot slipped a little on the platform and threw me off a bit. It wasn't a big deal, but being slightly out of position made the lift feel heavier than it should have. I think I allowed that to get to me a little more than I should have, it's hard to say whether it was from that, or the fact that I haven't been on a platform in nearly 9 months that was causing the crazy butterflies in the pit of my stomach waiting for my opening attempt!

I opened as planned with 286.6lbs and it went up! The video makes it look smooth and easy, but to me it felt almost disastrously heavy! It made me uncomfortable with the plan I'd worked hard on going into the meet...I was unsure of myself. As a result, I dropped my 2nd attempt from a planned 314lbs to 308lbs and then went back to the warm-up room to try to get my head back in the game! In the warm-up room, Thomas (my new friend and videographer that day!) asked how it felt, I said it was heavier than I wanted it to be...he offered me my camera to watch the video. Didn't look so bad, but I would have liked to see it go faster!

Second attempts time and I knew that I had to go out there strong...reminded myself how 308 is nothing...easily done in training, no problem just go get it! Again it went up and, although it felt smoother than the 286, it felt overly heavy again! I thought I had my head on straight but here's when the doubt really started to seep in...I was saying/seeing 340 over and over in my head, but the feel of that 308 was fresh in my body..it was hard to fight.

I had to put my 3rd attempt in...I stood their unsure (aggravating the hell out of the attempt keeper - I don't know what that position is officially called, so we'll go with "attempt keeper" and call it good ;) just looking at my options. It's tough not having someone there to help keep you focused and provide feedback on the lifts! Doubt...ugh...I caved and gave her 150kg/330.7lbs. What? Really?! Yeah - I really did!

Fortunately, it was loud and she started yelling at someone else to hurry up and give her their next attempt when I finally told her mine, and she didn't hear me. "Huh?" she said, and in that split second, I really DID get my head on straight and remembered what I went there to do and I changed it...152.5kg/336.2lbs - YEAH! Now I just had to do it...

Back in the warm-up room, Thomas offered me my camera again to watch the 2nd lift. I wasn't sure I wanted to see it, based on how it felt, but I played it back and was amazed! It went right up..it looked nothing like it felt. That's great feedback! When I saw that, it all came together for me. I knew that the 336 was happening, but I'd have to go out there and totally attack it, just own it. All my strength...everything I had. YEAH!!

Finally came down to it...I went out there, I took my time setting up, deep breath then...ATTACK! I fought it, I owned it, I won it! What a rush!!!

Here are all three lifts:

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Back in the warm-up room, I was shaking like crazy. A few people came up to me to congratulate me on that pull and I commented how much I was shaking. Someone explained to me - "you released so much adrenaline during that pull, THAT'S what is making you shake like that!" Wow...cool ;) It's the greatest high...I wish i could bottle it and share it with you...

So that's it, in a very large nutshell :) I took first place in the 148's open women, raw division and Powerlifting Watch posted this on Monday - it was awesome to find there and read where that puts me in the standings!

Back in the Game!
Yesterday I was right back in the gym working on my overhead press, and today was back to deads and my modified/hybrid 5x5 and 5-3-1 programming.

Yesterday - Shoulders
5 x 5 Seated BB Press @ 62lbs
3 x 10 Seated DB Press (one-arm) @ 25lbs
4 x 8 Seated DB Lateral Raises (first 3 sets w/ fwd lean) @ 10lbs
3 x 15 Face Pulls @ 70lbs
3 x 10 Cable Crunch @ 120lbs
3 x 15 Wtd Decline Sit-ups @ 25lbs
25 mins Elliptical

Today - Back
5 x 5 Sumo Deadlifts @ 255lbs
3 x 8-10 Low Row (Hammer) @ 45, 55, 60lbs
4 x 8-10 Close Grip Lat Pulldown @ 70, 75, 80, 70lbs
1 meager half-way up pull-up ;)

Tomorrow is off, just some cardio tomorrow. It'll feel good...today went *really* well, but I could sense I wasn't totally recovered from Saturday.

Raphael has pointed out to me in the past that my focus tends to drop after the powerlift, I couldn't argue with him. Yesterday and today both I felt a shift in that, after Saturday I feel like I've got a renewed sense of hunger and I want more! I asked him today to continue to point that out to me if he senses it again, because I'm bringing my freaking A game to that meet in November...no letting up!

This is the face of no letting up!

Ready: Mind & Body!

2011-08-26T17:40:00.004-04:00

Today was weigh-in day before the big event tomorrow. I was all ready and feeling good about what was to be a nice, calm, drama-free weigh-in. When I left my house at 9am this morning, I was 147.2. Allllll kinds of wiggle room for a cut-off of 148.7 (earlier today I mistakenly thought it was 148.6).

I confidently and comfortably made the hour drive, walked in, stripped down (undies/sports bra) and at about 10:30am, hopped on the scale! *Drum roll* aaaaand.....wait, huh?! 149.0! UNREAL! Are you kidding me?

Soooo...off to the car, or, what I'm now calling my portable sauna! 90 degrees outside, August, mid-day in Florida with the windows rolled up and the heat on nuclear blast. A few minutes later (25 fairly excruciating minutes to be exact, only made bearable by the entertaining text conversation I was having with a few friends)I went back in to try again (I only had until 11:30 to gitrdone, else I'd have to either weigh in to the next weight class or continue to starve until 7pm tonight -- no thanks).

Stripped down...this time to sweat-soaked sports bra and undies ("oh sexayyy giiiiiirlllfrennnnnd!"), hopped on and closed my eyes! 148.5 - *phew*

So much for drama-free! No matter, UNDER the wire - I made it! Just another one for the lesson books!

I ate quickly after that, a giant banana and a protein shake, plus two bottles of water. I've continued to refuel & rehydrate myself the rest of the day, and now I'm feeling READY.

I've got a packing list prepared for tomorrow, and everything is packed that can be packed already, and I know what food and protein and other supplement concoctions I'm bringing along. iPod and camera are charging!

Mentally I'm totally in the game...visualization complete! I can feel the weight of the bar, I know what to expect from it and I can see myself completing the lift...I know how it feels at the top when I finally pull it through and lock it out! Physically I know I've trained and prepared hard, I know I'm ready for it, and I know I'm eating right.

The plan:
Wake-up, eat something.
Get dressed, pack up and head out for pancakes, mmmm. Should eat this meal around 9:15
Make the hour drive up to Port St Lucie, arrive by 11
Warm-ups: 5x135, 3x185, 1x225, 1x250
First Attempt (confirmed, meet is in Kilos): 130kg / 286.6lbs
Second Attempt: 142.5kg / 314.2lbs
Third Attempt (depending on feel of 2nd): 152.5kg (336.2lbs) or 155kg (341.7lbs)

All this prep...three lifts, three minutes tops! Totally worth it.

BRING IT!

Rock You Like a Hurricane

2011-08-23T21:08:00.001-04:00

Ok, that's cheesy I fully admit it :) Yesterday I wasn't sure if this meet was going to happen, we were squarely in the middle of "the cone of doom" from Irene, and she was forecast as a Category 3/4. Today, she seems to have shifted far enough east to just miss us. I'm breathing a sigh of relief with that, but also experiencing some mixed emotions, as it just means she's headed for someone else :( All we can do is prepare and hope for the best, I guess!

But - as it stands, the meet is ON. The plan this week:

Sunday: off
Monday: squat/deads + cardio
Tuesday: bench/press + cardio
Wednesday: cardio only
Thursday: cardio only
Friday: off/weigh-in at 10am
Saturday: biggest.pull.evarrrrr!!

Monday I did a reduced volume/reduced intensity workout. For squats, 4 working sets of 5 squats: 95, 105, 115, 125lbs. For deads, 5 working sets...2 x 5 at 135, 2 x 5 at 165, and one set of 5 at 185. That's it! Here's the vid (note: new toy!):

Make a video - it's fun, easy and free!
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Happy about my squats, I think my form is continuing to improve as I get used to this elbow thing (can see them start to slide back in the last set)and the breathing, but definite improvement all in all. I still have to literally FORCE my elbows down before I squat. The plan is to learn for it to be so habitual I don't have to constantly adjust..they'll just go and stay there.

Today for bench I did 4 sets, two with paused reps, two without at 107 pounds. Looking at the video, I feel like the 2nd two sets were much better than the first two, which doesn't make a lot of sense, but I'll take it! I like it :) Press on the other hand...ugh. Needs a lot of improvement. But here it is, the good and the bad!

Make a video - it's fun, easy and free!
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Now? I plan: friday food, packing list, saturday morning food, first/second attempts...

Goal & Percentage-wise, it looks like my attempts should go something like this: 289, 313, 340lbs.

Kilo-wise (hahah), it looks like they'll end up working out to roughly: 286.6, 314.2, and 336.2 or 341.7 pounds.

And, I constantly visualize: the goal is 340lbs, 340lbs, 340lbs...
Definitely channeling some of the job search frustrations into that. I know it's going up...

And it feels gooooood :)

Ending on A High

2011-08-19T20:48:00.001-04:00

So here we go...1 week from tomorrow is the DL only meet, and today I finished up my last regular training day with a strong leg day. This week went great - exactly what I needed to wrap up training and prep for this meet!

On Tuesday, RC and I went 5 x 5 with 245 on deads and every set felt better/stronger.
Here's set 4:

Bench went really well on Thursday too. Increasing at only 3lbs/week, I did 5 x 5 @ 103 this week. 4 of the 5 sets were paused (took a break on set 4). This is set 5:

I think going forward (for now anyway), I'll pause sets 1, 3 and 5 and go for touch & go reps on sets 2 and 4.

Today, squats went super smoothly! Definitely continuing to make progress there and I think it's going to make a difference. Raphael called me on my breathing today and when I changed that it up, once I got the hang of it, I think it really helped propel me up. No videos, went 5 x 5 at 115. I actually did a 6th set too, we were watching my form again. We'll call it a "diagnostic set" ;)

It was great to end on that note - feeling really strong. Just gotta stay mentally totally focused and in the game this coming week. I'll take it easy Mon/Tues/Weds, just a little easy cardio thurs & friday so I can really be well rested.

Big, heavy things coming :)

T-Minus Two!

2011-08-13T19:31:00.002-04:00

That's two weeks, and I'm counting! I have one full training week left before my Deadlift only comp, and I need to make it count. This week needs to be 100% focused, 100% on - no distractions in the gym. Period.

In my own time-honored tradition, I went ahead and ordered a new pair of knee socks to lift in, although the ninjaaaaa POW! socks will come along as back-up. Awww yeah :)

One of the things that has been bothering me is that I haven't been happy with my programming. I haven't been able to find the right balance for what I think I need...something between JUST training the lifts (high volume on lifts, high intensity - zero accessory work), and ENOUGH training the lifts (lower volume on lifts, lower intensity - sufficient accessory work). It seems all the programs out there are one or the other. An example of the former: Sheiko or StrongLifts 5x5. An example of the latter: 5-3-1.

Ok hold that thought. I'm not through it yet, but so far it's been a great read. I'm reading the new eBook called Vault, by Dave Tate at EliteFTS. It's totally free if you join their Strength Club mailing list. And I will say so far, it's an excellent read, straightforward, and if you're reading this I highly suggest you sign up and then download the book :) Anyway - in the first few pages, this struck me:

While programming does not play as high of a role as many people claim, you still need to have a solid program designed to help you achieve your training goals. The difference between a general program based on what an author perceives to be effective, is a far cry compared to a program designed around your own strengths and weaknesses. Time and experience will give you the best training. Learn how to do this for yourself.

So apparently, I felt I needed permission to do this, but in an effort to satisfy my need for higher lift volume/intensity while keeping accessory work at what I think is an acceptable (and necessary) level - I've decided to build my own hybrid program. It's a cross between 5-3-1 and Stronglifts 5x5. Yep. I started this past week and I'll give it at least 8 full weeks before I make any decisions, but so far so good, hahah :)

For reference later, here are my starting weights:

OH Press: 55lbs, plus 2/week
Deads: 235lbs, plus 10/week
Bench: 100lbs, plus 3/week
Squat: 105lbs, plus 10/week

Percentage-wise, I started considerably lower on squat than anything else, but part of that decision was based on wanting to continue to try to perfect form. I started considerably higher on bench, because thus far working with percentages in the 60-70% range haven't gotten me anywhere, and another thing that Dave asks (repeatedly, no less) is "are you getting results?" "No?" "Well what have you changed?" "Nothing?" Annnnd there's your answer. So I'm changing things up.

Speaking of squat form, here's Friday's squats, fourth set of 5x5 at 105 lbs:

I still need to slow down, focus more, but overall I was happy with my stance, my elbows, and more more uprightedness (word, yes ;)

Another thing that's changing things up and I think really GOOD, has been training with RC. We had a little hiccup early on but we've gotten into a really good groove I think, and the mix is working well. I'm still learning a lot, and I found I push harder but more importantly smarter, with him there...but, more on that another time :)

Back-Off!

2011-08-07T19:08:00.000-04:00

Last week was a back-off week and it was good timing...I really needed it in more ways than one. It also gave me a good opportunity to work on my Squat form. A few weeks back you might remember me freaking out about my squat form, where I suddenly saw it from a different angle and was HORRIFIED (let me say that again...HORRIFIED)!
One of the things I decided to really focus on was keeping my elbows forward (pointing down, perpendicular to the floor, rather than behind me and parallel to the floor) so I set out with a low weight and a ton of reps and I got busy!

FINALLY, I think I'm getting it. I have to mentally cue myself to think of someone almost forcefully pushing them forward and holding them there while I squat. This helps me keep my chest up, which helps me not fall. I think! We'll see as I work back up to some weight :) I also widened my stance (just a tiny bit), and brought my grip in (it helps me with my elbows).

For now...here's what progress looks like:
Before (Not pretty! Notice my elbows and how far forward my chest is)

After (Elbows! Chest (more) up!)

Makes me very happy :)

In other news, I have 2 weeks left to train hard for my deadlift only meet...it's coming on so quickly! Also, my girl Brandi is officially coming down for my meet in November, staying for the week on vacation, and then we're driving up to Savannah for her Oly meet the following weekend! A week long extravaganza of weightlifting, vacation/visiting, and road tripping...I mean *really* can it get any better than that?! :)

Turning it Around

2011-07-27T20:49:00.000-04:00

Sooo....deadlifts. I *heart* them. I'm so excited about the upcoming meet, I can't even tell you. I visualize an amazing pull over and over. I can tell you in my visualization it's not easy, it's a long fight...but I pull through it and I get that bar up and lock it out and the feeling is amazing. Over and over. I visualize it with every lift I train, during cardio, and sometimes even at random moments throughout the day. The meet is 4 weeks from Saturday - that's crazy soon!

Yesterday RC and I trained deads - back and hamstrings. I followed the plan, 5-3-1 plus heavy singles. Five at 220, three at 250, then singles at 280, 305 and 325.

280 was easy

(yeah I wore the socks!)

So was 305...

A long rest, and I was ready for 325 - a crazy gym PR and equivalent to my meet PR...a big step along the way to the big pull at the upcoming meet...I set up, I visualized it over and over. I took hold of the bar...

And I missed it. I didn't just miss it, it kinda owned me. It didn't budge. Glue.

Hah...it sucked. And that's a total understatement. I'm glad RC was there, because he didn't sugarcoat it...he just said, "it sucks to miss a lift, doesn't it?" Yeah it does. And that was that, and it was time to move on to the rest of the session.

Which I did, I caught my breath, I got my shit together, and I still had a good session. I was a little down, and definitely tired (missed deadlifts, particularly the kind that are glued to the floor, are kinda deceptive in that even though the weight doesn't MOVE...you're still exerting a max force on it!), but I just needed to move on and finish up strong.

On the (very, very short) drive back to my house, I had a moment. I had a little conversation with myself:

"I gotta rethink this, maybe I should just try to be back right where I was in January at the upcoming meet, aim to pull 325 in August and be good with that."

But...almost as soon as that thought completed, I had another that went...

"Uhh...fuck that yo! Give it a minute...it *just* happened like 10 minutes ago and you're tired and hungry and you've got a month to get your shit together. You never train the week leading up into a meet, nevermind the day before and nevermind a "warm-up" with 5 at 220 and 3 at 250. It's SUPPOSED to be fucking hard today. You're in the middle of a skirmish preparing for the big battle..now is not the time to run away."

So there it is. I turned it around, not stopping. Tired, depleted...it was not (and still isn't) the time to make any decisions like that. I have a plan, I'm sticking to it!

Tomorrow: Bench!

A Training Week Ends - Massive Weekly Wrap Up!

2011-07-22T14:28:00.006-04:00

Not the best training week for me, numbers/strength wise but a HUGELY important and awesome training week for me in so many other ways.

1. Last Friday, RC and I beat the living sh*t out of our legs. I can't even begin to relay the soreness and the "overdoneness" factor. If it helps to even give you an inkling, on Sunday I took a step and my entire right hamstring seized and cramped up and refused to move for a good 5 minutes or so. It took about an hour for it to relax and unseize (it's a word now), and probably another 3 or 4 for the crampy pain to totally subside. This seriously affected my strength and performance all week (I'm sure of it, but if you need proof, check my shakey/unstable performance with Overhead Press from Monday!). What's the major lesson learned here kiddos? Note to self: don't do this in the future!

2. I had a solid deadlift day on Tuesday, but it was a step back week, and a good thing too, because I was still not fully recovered on Tuesday for Deads. I went for warm-ups, followed by 3 sets of 5 at 240, 250, and 265. RC followed suit only he stuck with the conventional stance. Had I needed to go for max reps or heavy singles, it would not have happened. Or would have further impeded my recovery from Friday for sure! RC and I discovered a slight inefficiency in his deadlift that we are going to work on correcting going forward. Video would be nice here, huh? Yeahhhh...that day I lost my camera :( I think it fell out of my bag and I didn't notice it, and of course...NO ONE turned it in*

3. Wednesday - OFF

4. Thursday we worked Chest. I benched with 5-3-1 and then did a bunch of accessory work, RC started with Flat DB Press. We used his camera on Thursday and got my last bench set and got a nice video of some of his heavy DB presses - 75 pounders for 10 reps! It was not my best chest day either, I wanted at least 9 reps at 100, I got 8, and only got the 9th with assistance:

It really was just the tiniest bit of assistance, but assistance nontheless.

5. Today - well, wow. We worked legs again. I made a very conscious effort to not beat them at all. Next week is a heavy week for deads and the heaviest week in the cycle for everything else, so the plan for today, spoken many, many times outloud, was (say it with me!) MODERATION! The plan was to do 5-3-1 sets as written, but go very light on the accessory work. I'm happy to say I stuck to the plan, however I'm not fully convinced that my legs were fully recovered even TODAY! Much better, and really close - but maybe not quite all the way there yet! Wow huh?

Anyway - we brought the camera back in the gym today...RC wanted to be sure to work on his form and his depth for squats and I'm always looking to improve on those things, so we put it to good use today. Learned something very deceiving and interesting. My squats, from the angle that I normally film from, look pretty good. They're not beautiful, they're not perfect, form gets lost as the weight gets heavier and/or I get tired during the set, but for the most part...not so bad! We got some video today that shows a VASTLY different squat! I'm like...ok so you know you watch some youtube videos of people lifting and you wince and sort of turn away, or watch out of one squinty eye, because they look like they're going to kill themselves? Holy crap that's me! Here's why it's interesting! From the side, from the view I normally get, they look great! But change that angle, a little bit behind...bad, bad news. I don't even know how that can be! But I was mortified. I never would have seen it though, without a partner filming it from a different angle. They're so bad I honestly believe it would be irresponsible for me to post them. Not to mention I'm embarrassed to, too!

6. With that understanding, I'm now on a mission. As I mentioned last week, one very big and obvious issue is my elbows. Another potential contributor (mentioned before): weak abs. I'm not sure how they're weak at this point, but it seems likely given my "symptoms." Easy enough to work on, and it certainly can't HURT anything...so, abs will get some extra attention. I WILL GET THIS, damn it ;)

7. Having a training partner freaking rocks. I've never had one before, but in just this week alone I've learned many little (& some big!) things. In the process, I'm also learning how to BE a good training partner. My spotting sucks and needs some work, but I've already seen improvement in that - it's an art. I get a different perspective from it - it helps me to see my workouts through another's eyes in a few ways - not just selection of sets and reps and exercises, but also energy levels, enthusiasm, determination, etc. It's cool to sort of combine things from different "schools," too. I'm not sure I can fully explain either one of those things, but it's been enlightening for me and for however long it lasts, I'm very happy for the experience, the camraderie, the extra push and nudge, and the friendship. Shouts to Raphael for that, it's been awesome and I look forward to more :)

8. Like my friend Ms. T, I'm learning more and more to work through fear. Tara has pushed so hard in the past, that she's having now to recover from Adrenal Fatigue. It's a long, difficult road (and one I'm so proud of her for walking, and walking tall). Although some of the circumstances are different, what she just wrote in her blog really struck a chord with me:

Pushing myself has never been the problem (in the last few years). It’s listening to my body and knowing when to slow down that I have a problem. But what I’m neglecting are the answers to these questions. Of course I’ll know when it’s too much… AFTER the fact and it may trigger a worsening of my symptoms by putting more of a strain on my adrenals and thyroid, but will it set me back months and months? Of course not… as long as I listen and act.

Listen and act. Listen, learn, act. Adapt. Guess who's not going to work to the point of total leg annihilation again? I didn't know it was too much until AFTER, until I couldn't sleep from the soreness/pain, could barely walk, and had my entire leg cramp/seize up. But I certainly learned, and now is the time to listen and act. And it DID set me back, but not months and months, so all is ok. Not a total screw up, just learning. Still :) But aren't we all? Still? :) Tara's an awesomely strong role model in this (and many other) regard! Thanks Ms. T!

I'm learning to know when to stop, yeah I have a ways to go ;) I'm also learning to trust me and my body and FOOD. I'm up to a little over 2000 calories per day, and at least one meal out each week. Seriously - me, 2000 calories a day?! I'm NEEDING it and recognizing that need, and equally important: I'm enjoying it and I'm not sweating the little things. I could probably stand to go for even a little more some days. But I'm staying away from religious tracking of cals/macros and manipulating every meal to be perfect. Part of it comes from still having the "safety net" that Tara mentions in her post, I'm getting little nudges here and there on the food front that make it just a little easier to listen to the voice that tells me I need to eat (rather than shutting her right down, as I've so often done in the past). But I too want to learn to trust my own voice that says "too much" or "not enough" or "just right." Hello Goldi-Cooth :)

All in all - it's been an amazing week. I've learned a lot, I've made a ton of progress, even if it all wasn't in my strength and in my numbers.

* Do you have any idea how much it irritates me that people can suck so bad? If it's not yours, turn it in! How many times could I have had a new phone, iPod, CAR...but these things weren't mine, so I gave them to the front desk to keep safe. It would be nice if most of the world operated that way.

So here's where I debate a second post or just keep right on going into "everything else." Well here's where you can decide to quit, or keep reading cuz I'm goin in!

Tuesday of this past week I heard back from the job I last interviewed for - no go. It was a pretty big blow, and despite what my mom says about the email, I really feel it was the dating equivalent of the "it's not you, it's me" speech. And we all know that means "it's you, and you suck." BUT - it wasn't the ideal job anyway, it was only part-time, no benies, etc...so, onward!

That was the same day I lost my camera at the gym :(

It was also the same day that my Bloom site went totally on the fritz. I ended up having to call Go Daddy because I could not log into it _at_all_. No post updates, no changes to the theme - nada. They ended up having to "roll it back" to a few weeks ago, so all of the cosmetic and other changes I'd made to the site were lost.

Tuesday was not my brightest day this week ;) But today is Friday, and it's a much, much brighter day. My new camera arrives today. I'm on the job hunt EVERY day. And in between that and training, I'm keeping much busier than expected with some small projects RC and I are collaborating on. They're coming together really nicely and there's some potential for some really great things to come from it all, I believe that! I've also successfully put Bloom back together again, and now just need to get over THERE and update. I've got several ideas, I just need to discipline myself to sit down and WRITE. Through all this, I've picked up a little web design knowledge which is kind of cool. Unemployed, but picking up a new skill here and there can't hurt!

Which leads me to another thought! I'm thinking of getting another certification. Debating going to NASM for a Corrective Exercise Specialist certification. It feels like that should open some employment doors for me, and definitely goes along the lines of picking up a new skill while I'm down! I need to make a decision...I've been sitting on this one since the beginning of July. I guess I just want to be sure that the output (cash/time/effort) is going to be worth the return. It's hard to say in this economy, and particularly since I don't know where I might end up job wise right now!

And with that, friends...I stop being a windbag and I leave you to your weekend :)

Training & Meet Updates

2011-07-18T18:19:00.002-04:00

I've printed out my entry form for the Treasure Coast Classic meet at the end of August, I'll mail it in tomorrow (deadline is 7/28). I'm getting super psyched up the closer that gets!

I also got a very exciting call last night and an email this morning from my friend Brandi - she's going to fly down here for my full power meet in November, stay the week on vacation, and then we're going to drive up to Savannah the following weekend for her Olympic Weightlifting meet. (Roadtrip + girls weekend + lifting) x 2 = Awwwwwesoooome, hahahah ;)

So on Friday I had a very special guest with me at my gym - Raphael was my training partner for the day and we did legs.

It was pretty excellent having a partner, I definitely pushed myself hard (lots to live up to, hahah ;) and got a fantastic workout - it felt GREAT, until yesterday, hahah. Yesterday the sore had probably crossed the line into "a little too much"

My working sets were 5 x 125, 5 x 135 and a last set of 5+ at 150. I got 12...
Several ugly reps in there at the end but I was super happy with this set overall. One day I'm gonna get a fully clean set, all good reps that feel smooth and right!

Squat 150 x 12

RC did some pretty awesome looking sets...I think he ended up with something insane like 210 x 12 (really it might have been 15, I can't remember - but umm..either way, insanity), 220 x 10 and 230 x 8 or 10! Ahhh one day. He has excellent form (of course), he makes it look easy! I noticed he squats with a slightly closer stance than I do, and he stays better/more upright. His elbows are also more perpendicular to the bar than mine are. We're speculating as to whether my elbows being a little more behind the bar may be causing me to pancake over a little bit. Ahh...one day I fully plan on owning this lift :)

Today was Press day. I fully believe that my legs held me back today, they weren't fully recovered. Not sure if you can see it in the video (ahh, yup - you can) my legs were shaking like crazy during my last set. Overall I had a really great workout, but this set of presses could be a lot better. My first two sets were for 3 at 64 and 68 pounds. I tried a slightly wider grip on those, and found it really awkward. I brought it in a little for the last set (probably too narrow), 3+ at 72. I wanted 8 or 9, I ended up with 7 but there was nothin' left in there really. I'll have more weeks. I did try to take Myles' advice on the breathing and leaning back on the bar descent...still, a lot of room to improve on technique. I kinda felt a little all over the place with these today...don't use these as a "good" example, LOL:

BB Press 72 x 7

RC will be joining me again tomorrow for deadlift day. Tomorrow is a bit of a backoff week, not going for any max sets, which is good given last week and that my legs are STILL feelin' it from Friday. Next week I go for some singles again, so I need to save it. Should be fun :)

All in all - good stuff!

Work wise...still no word on anything. I feel good though, something is coming my way :)

A title might be nice...

2011-07-14T21:20:00.001-04:00

I had a GREAT bench workout today - bench went well and so did all of the accessory work I did. I felt strong...I added one chin-up to almost all my sets (supersetting chins with bench) and was still strong for DB Incline Press after that.

Still ramping up slowly with bench, but the last set was 95 x 10 - all paused. Gotta watch the bum though, once or twice it might've come off the bench? I'm not sure - tough call but it needs to be clearly *on* it:

In other news - Christie was super happy with me today, really happy with the progress I've been making. Our next appt is now not for 5 weeks. Applied for health insurance, hopefully there are no surprises there! Trying to teach myself WordPress Web Design..hahah...um, yeah...That, and I'm working on figuring out my financial situation for the next 6 months or so. Productive, ish, I guess. I did have to get out earlier...went to Barnes & Noble, just couldn't be in the house anymore! I think sometime this weekend I"m going to rent the last Harry Potter movie (i saw it in the theatre, but I'd like a refresher) and then maybe sometime next week I'll go see the new one as a matinee mid-week, cuz I can ;)

Squats are up tomorrow, and Raphael will be joining me - so excited about that :) He makes squats look easy. Hopefully we'll have a video or two to share.

And that is that for this day.

A Whole Buncha Stuff, and Very Little (at the same time)

2011-07-13T21:18:00.000-04:00

That's sort of how I've been feeling this week. Like I have a ton of stuff to do and to figure out and to "fix" and yet at the same time, really I have very little actually going on. It's a weird feeling, hard to explain. I feel like things are very far from a plan, and we all know how I like PLANS, don't we? Right now I'm a little bit all over the place and feel like a lot is out of control, but how else do I really expect to be right now? I mean I *just* lost the job, right? It's not like I've been at this for months. So rather than killing myself trying to control a bunch of stuff that really can't be controlled...I'm TRYING to go with the flow and just do what I can. So even though it's very little, it somehow feels like a lot of work hahah.

Friday July 8 was my last day with eDiets, it was busier than I expected and not quite as smooth as I'd hoped (a lot of last minute stuff), but it still ended the same. Friday night I took myself out to dinner to celebrate - nice big burger and fries and a margarita. Yum :) Still have a lot of mixed feelings over the whole thing. I'm trying to stop myself from trying to justify them all or from pushing them away, just trying to go with it.

Yesterday I had an interview for a great job, I'm feeling really hopeful and positive that I'll get the call for another interview. She said I could expect to hear either way by the end of the week next week. Please if you're reading this keep that in your thoughts for me, I really need for something to come through soon. It is only part time but with that and some PT I should be ok for a little while and it's really a great match for me, so...Yesterday eDiets and I also struck a deal on the one thing that was left as a bit of a loose end. We'll have to call it "mutually beneficial" and just leave it at that, though.

Today I think I found the health insurance plan I'm going to go with, it seems to provide basic (though very reasonable) coverage at a somewhat affordable rate, considering. Cobra, as always, is completely out of my reach at $400/mo!

Deads yesterday...it was a good day. They went about as I expected...not quite ready, hahah ;) That said, I'm also not real worried about it. It all went down like this:

5 x 135
3 x 165, 195, 215
5 x 245
1 x 295
miss x 320

This was a "3" week so for working sets it was 3 x 195 and 215, 3+ at 245
I held back on the 245 and only pulled the 5 (easily had way more in me) but I probably should have just stuck to 3 I guess, because in addition to the regular 5-3-1 program, the revised program calls for adding singles in meet prep phases. Since I've decided to go for the August DL only meet, I'm adding that in now (that's the part I'm not quite ready for). Singles this week were 85% and 92.5% of intended meet max (345). 295 went up easy and 320 didn't go up at all. Well, I did move it about an inch off the floor, but no way it was comin all the way up - not surprising, and not alarming :)

Here's the 245 (continuing with the dead stop thing):

Here's the single at 295:

In still other news (this is a long update!) ... I see Christie tomorrow. I think it's been about a month since our last session. I'm feeling really incredible good about things lately. I ate comfortably when at home with my folks last week and came back only 1lb higher than when i left. Before I left for that trip, Raphael asked me to come up with a plan that I enjoy. He said, "forget the calories, forget the macros, just come up with a plan that has foods that you think you'd enjoy and put them together into meals and then let me see it." I did this, and when I was done and looked at it - I was really happy and kind of excited about it. I spent a minute too long looking at it, and found myself wanting to tweak the macros and move things around between meals, but I walked away from it. He asked me to show it to him and he said, "I love it, go for it!"

I wasn't sure about it, I'll admit I was hesitant because I still KNEW the macros and the cals...but on Monday I went ahead and gave it a try, it just felt like the right time to do it. And then yesterday. And today. And I'm fully enjoying it. And I'm lifting strong. And I'm losing...my scale weight is still higher than I'd ideally like it, but I haven't felt that out of control feeling - I'm confident and comfortable. I'm feeling like...I can finally DO this and be ok :) And I can't wait to share this with Christie tomorrow - all the "new" foods I'm adding and swapping in and out of my daily diet. The flexibility, going out and enjoying myself once in a while...as she said at the end of my last visit (I think), I'm getting my life back...in so many ways :)

Bench is on deck tomorrow, and squats on Friday, with a guest appearance! Really looking forward to that :)

Officially IN for August

2011-07-11T21:36:00.000-04:00

I'm officially throwing my hat into the ring for the meet on August 27 - deadlift only! So excited about that!

Setting my sights on 345 for that 3rd pull, since I won't be doing a full meet ahead of it, and training will reflect that accordingly. Adding some singles into my training that'll be at 85, 92.5 and 95% of that. So tomorrow I'll be going for one at 320 and in about 2 weeks it'll have me going for a PR in the gym at 328, eek! Fun!

In other news, today was a pres day and I pulled out 5 x 60, 5 x 65 and 8 x 70. I know I have some work to do on my form with this move, it's my least practiced exercise...I took it out of my training some time ago. Obviously 8 was not failure, but I was right on the edge:

Tomorrow - deadlift report! :)

Home in VA

2011-07-02T20:31:00.004-04:00

I came back to VA earlier in the week to visit the folks, my aunt and uncle, the ole' folks, and to celebrate (early) both the 4th and my birthday.

Travel day on the way here went super smoothly - that was a nice change! My dad picked me up as planned and we hit the Trader Joes. Really wish we had one in SoFl! The weather was gorgeous, just a bit cooler than FL and the skies were sunny and bright blue with big fluffy, cotton candy clouds. I made sure to take my shoes off and loll around in the grass (since FL has weird/hard grass) and I even laid out on the lawn for a little while - heaven! It was sooo relaxing! Despite the major relaxation though, I did manage to come down with a bit of a migraine - boo.

Thursday morning started with me at the gym - chest/shoulders and cardio on the agenda. I did it, I got through it, but I wasn't strong or focused or into it _at all_ It really was pretty awful, hahah. I think it was because I took so many drugs the night before (for my head!). After that I worked a half day like a good girl, got caught up on some emails and then helped get dinner together with mom.

Friday was leg day (skwat!) and then off for the day to visit the ole' folks with my Aunt. My legs workout went MUCH better than the day before, wow...I was like a different person!

I forgot my camera in FL, but squats went:
5 x 115
3 x 130
1+ x 150 = 10

I was definitely pleased with that performance, and they all felt good/clean, no pancake-y-ness ;)

Today I spent the day with mom after starting the morning with a (hilly! omg!) 3 mile run. We went to the Farmer's Market and the grocery store and got a shit ton of amazingly fresh and beautiful looking produce! After that we pretty much spent the day prepping stuff! Hah!

Tomorrow I'm pretty excited that Lori and Laura (plus her husband and 1yo son) will be coming up in the afternoon for 4th/birthday cookout fun :) Mom and I will spend the morning over visiting the old folks first though.

Monday it's back home for fireworks and good times.

Touch & Go, Be Gone!

2011-06-27T12:15:00.001-04:00

I made today deadlift day since I'm traveling this week and need to rearrange my schedule to accommodate that. I know that Wednesday I'll be off completely, and that I'm not allowed to deadlift in the gym at home, it's "too noisy" hahah. Whatevs. ANYWAY, so deads today, last heavy week of my first cycle back on 5-3-1...

5 x 210, 3 x 240, 1+ x 265

With the advice of sir Myles, I'm attempting to do away with the "touch and go" style deads and pull full on from the floor for every rep (here's a recent example of touch & go style). I think honestly that's easier to do with a conventional set-up, or maybe that's just me being a bit of a pussy, but...either way I gotta figure it out. We gots to do what we gots to do ;) I think these will look better as I get used to it, but not so bad for my first go 'round (I think).

I'm pretty psyched that I went beltless on the 240 and they felt great:

For the last set I belted (and chalked) up and pulled out 8 at the 265, leaving maybe 1 (very tough pull) left in the tank:

Hmmm heavy breathing much? :)
Calculated 1RM max from 265 x 8 = 330/335 depending on which formula you use. Woot :)

BUT - still need to work on resetting that back, particularly towards the end.
Next week is deload, and then we're on to cycle 2...

It's definitely going to depend on the job situation, but at this point I'd really like to plan on doing the Deadlift only division of the USPA Treasure Coast Classic meet at the end of August :)

Some Peace

2011-06-26T13:55:00.000-04:00

I haven't talked about it beyond a passive mention in a long time, hopefully a sign in and of itself that things in my head are a little quieter, but I've still been "dieting" these past few weeks. I started back the 2nd week of March with Raphael and we've been at it ever since...the quest to lose about 8-10lbs. My goal was to feel better in my body, not feel bloated or off, to fit in my clothes..really just to feel right.

I started to get that feeling at about 142lbs and a few weeks ago hit on 140.4 and was feeling *fantastic* Immediately upon seeing that I got my period and my weight (and associated bloating) shot right back up where I didn't want it. Since then the 'fight' has been ON to bring it back. I've repeatedly gotten back to the 142s and each time I've felt really good. That seems to be the magic place for me - just over the line into feeling good and right, clothes fitting and importantly - easily maintainable. Still - I saw that 140 a few weeks back and I had some sort of perverse need to get back there because not getting back there would be giving up, right?

To do that, we've experimented more with manipulating carbs and cardio and during that time I've honestly come to the conclusion that I am literally fighting it, and really it kind of makes me miserable and I don't need it. I don't want it anymore, I don't want to think about it, I don't want to spend endless time doing cardio, I don't want to feel like crap - I want none of that. I want to feel good and strong in the gym again, I want to be able to live (and not in fear) and be like a normal person.

I found myself writing this in an email, and I meant it: "I feel a little like I'm giving up, but also a lot like I've won a bit of my life back." While the past few weeks have been a fight, I think that time was necessary for me to be able to look back and say "but for what?" I've already achieved the "feel good" I was looking for, my clothes are fitting again...I've achieved what I set out for and it's time to stop the fight. Carbs will come up, energy will return, training will be stronger, recovery will be better...all good things :)

It was about this time last year when I was finally able to ask for help and it has been some kind of journey of ups and downs, and yet another that will likely never end, have continual twists and turns and moments of straying off the path and getting a little lost. But I really feel like I'm very well on my way - Out of the Abyss.

Skwaaat

2011-06-23T13:36:00.000-04:00

It's interesting how things change...not that long ago I hated performing squats and I had terrible form. Lately, maybe because of the little time off, I've really enjoyed my squat sessions and I actually feel like my form has improved...the mechanics of the movement just seem to flow better for me lately. I don't have to talk myself through it quite so much, and the weight doesn't seem as heavy. Well, it's not as heavy, but even at the lighter weights...they feel lighter than they have in the past.

Here's the latest squat session: 3 x 125, 3 x 130, 3+ x 140
Again because of the lower cals, I went conservative on the 3+ set and didn't push too hard. Called it at 8, could have gone 10 and maaaaaybe squeezed out an 11th.

Later, the tall, pasty-white skinny guy at the other rack complimented my form (and with some sort of very exotic accent no less ;)

Applied for some more jobs yesterday/today...just gotta keep pounding those resumes out I guess. No word on any though, other than the phone interview I've got scheduled for tomorrow.

So far, so good

2011-06-21T19:56:00.000-04:00

In week 2 of training and things are going along rather smoothly. I think squat took the biggest hit to strength, which I guess isn't really that surprising. Still, it's not that bad and I've got plenty of time to bring it on back.

This cycle's deadlift training max is 280, today called for 3 x 225, 3 x 240 and 3+ x 255. All three sets went well. Still low on calories, I didn't push it and I pulled the plug on the plus set at 8, felt like I had 10 or 11 in me:

Felt good. Calories will start to come up next week, I expect only good things to come :)

As for the rest of life ;) The job hunt continues...the last strong job opportunity fell through. The company decided they needed to hire in an RD rather than an MPH and so there went that position. I've another phone interview this Friday for a position very similar to the last one, I expect it to go well and be a great start to my weekend :)

Lori was here this past week and we had a total blast...we went to the Def Leppard concert...realized we've both been to see them *twelve* (LOL) times! Ten shows in common...hahah. I honestly thought it was the best show I've seen to date :) Friday night we went out and hit the club seen - Vince Neil's "Feelgoods" in downtown West Palm proved to be the club of choice. We vacated around 1am when the super drunk guys started to get a little annoying ;) Umm...plus I was pretty tired, hahah.

GFs rock :)

I'll be going home on Wednesday next week for the holiday and for my birthday...I'm looking forward to visiting the folks, my Aunt & Uncle will also be visiting from CA...it'll be a good escape from everything here. Gotta figure out my training plans for next week...

It's My Friday

2011-06-09T20:34:00.001-04:00

Had a *fantastic* deadlift workout this morning...gave a test run to the new 5-3-1 program...wow. Just felt great, and maybe I haven't lost as much as I thought!

For those keeping score, I'm taking a vacation day every Friday between now (actually I started last friday) and July 8th. Plus my birthday, which gives me a faaaaabulous 5 days off in a row over the Holiday weekend, plus a half day next wednesday.

So...tomorrow I'll sleep till my little heart desires, get to the gym and hit up some arms (snoozer) and then the day is mine! Maybe a hair cut, maybe the beach, maybe a mid-day movie...who knows, but the weekend begins now :) Also exciting - my GF will be coming to visit beginning on Tuesday and for the rest of the week! Plans so far include Def Leppard/Heart on Wednesday night and massages (thank you Living Social!) on Friday. Hopefully also some beach or pool time, who knows...we do always manage a fun time tho, so I'm really looking forward to it :)

Things are looking up...now if only I'd get that job... (still, job x 3 applied for over the past 24 hours)!

P.S. OH! I almost forgot - very exciting :) The other day at the gym someone just randomly approached me and said, "are you a powerlifter?" HAH! "Why yes, I try to be - thank you!" I didn't say that, but I felt like a superstar - I looked like an athlete! It made my day :)

Gettin' It Back :)

2011-06-06T20:40:00.000-04:00

Just starting to feel really good again - I've been sleeping better AND getting more hours of sleep (don't need to get up at 4, or worse...3:50 (!) anymore!), feeling some lightness as a burden slowly lifts. It's been a little more than a week and while even though I have 5 to go (and still no guaranteed work on the other side) - each day I feel like I'm getting a bit more of my life back.

The latest news...Saturday at the gym I tried doing some (unassisted) dips and after all of one I immediately stopped - it hurts my shoulders. I just can't do them! It's frustrating but really why risk it..they're officially out of rotation :) Shoulders are fine, much better today than yesterday, but I will likely lay off chest and/or shoulders another day or so.

Tomorrow afternoon I go into the office, it'll be my first time back since the big day...should be interesting. I should probably bring a box or something too, and start organizing my stuff. Don't plan on too many trips down there between now and July 8!

New Cycles

2011-06-01T20:38:00.000-04:00

So here we are...it's June 1 - New Moon - new beginnings...I'm so ready for it!

Yesterday I just felt sort of lost, my first day at home officially "on notice." Today was a much better day than my first day, I had more to do today and I had drive and focus: getting ready and prepared for tomorrow :)

I feel good :)

In OTHER news, I went ahead and picked my next meet! I've allowed for plenty of time to slowly return to training, plenty of time to slowly work back up to where I sort of "left off" or get back to where I was, and still more time to try to make some strength gains :) It'ss the first weekend in November - the USPA Raw World Championship. Honestly I think they try to name as many meets "championships" as they possibly can, hahah. As far as i can tell all you have to do to lift at this championship event is sign-up ;) But anyway - it SOUNDS big and important! I'm really happy to have it on the schedule..or at least in my sights to add to the schedule.

Movin on...

Where to Begin...

2011-05-29T19:07:00.006-04:00

On Friday I was put on "working notice" at work, my last day is to be July 8th. If you know me, you already know why and you also know that this is probably the best thing that could happen. Well, hahah..almost best :) It would have been best had I gotten something else FIRST, but...being released from there is really a relief and a big step towards happiness. I've been nothing but stressed for months! The terms of my notice are, relatively speaking, extraordinarily generous (I'm not sure why, but my guess is that it has something to do with marketing), and during this time I can choose to work from home or the office unless they need me in the office for something specifically. I'll take "home" for $1,000 please Alex!

The timing surprised me, I guess I knew it would come eventually, but I didn't expect it *quite* yet...I was thinking I had till maybe August/September. With the surprise comes a big sense of relief, a little anger, and a lot of "umm...shit!" I cycle through these emotions fairly frequently...waves just kind of hit me out of nowhere. There's some sadness too. I know a lot of you would say "why sad?" and I think it's because there was a time (albeit quite brief) that this job to me was just the epitome of awesome...I loved it and I was happy to go in to work everyday. Also sad maybe because as I realized I did love it so much, it was easy for me to give *so much* to it. Looking back I see just how much that was and how ultimately in the end it did nothing to help and I got nothing out of it except maybe it feels a bit like a kick in the head to be asked to leave...even if I was unhappy there for the past year or two.

Where am I going with all this...I saw yesterday that this coming week we will have a new moon, symbolizing "the time to begin new projects, initiate contracts, make important phones calls, write up a proposal and do anything that requires a starting point. A time to undertake new cycles." I'm not generally one to put too much importance on these kinds of things, but in this case, I'm going to build on this idea and run with it through every aspect of my life. It was already starting..I could feel a change in me happening most specifically with all of the eating issues, a new trust has been really taking hold and growing.

My next post was going to be about a small victory in that arena, but Friday's news sort of dwarfed it in the immediate sense. But the more I think about it now, in relation to undertaking new cycles, it's perfect. A friend of mine invited me to a cook-out at her house on Memorial Day, I accepted. I know it doesn't sound like much, but it occurred to me that a year ago I'd be doing one of three things right now: a) completely freaking out about going, how will I eat, what if everyone thinks I'm a freak because I don't eat anything, or I bring something of my own? b) trying to get out of going because of (a), or c) being sad and miserable because I would have declined it to begin with - further from "living," and further isolating myself .

Today - I'm excited about tomorrow and the prospect of seeing my friend, hopefully meeting some new folks, and generally having a good time. I'm not in freak-mode about the food or my weight or how to handle the situation...all I need to do is show up and have fun :) I have not stepped on the scale since last Monday - I know I'm up a little but I'm just now coming off my period and I know that's normal and not freak worthy and not even worthy of stepping on the scale, I can feel the bloat - no need :) I feel good, I feel *different* I believe it now when Raphael says it IS possible to heal this...I'm doing it, i'm working hard at it :) There's a confidence and trust that has never been there before.

So two new cycles there, but both speak to changing the quality of my life..taking it back and making it mine again. I also think I'm just about ready to hit the PL training again...I've been having a hard time resisting (!) squats and deadlifts in the gym lately, and more so - wanting to move some WEIGHT!

Last night I read through 5-3-1 for Powerlifting and I think that's where I'm going to start. I used the original 5-3-1 program after my first meet (and overdid it). I think I've learned enough now and have gotten so much better at listening to my body that I'm in a good place to try this...it's been slightly revised since then. I'm going to consider the next 3-4 weeks a transition period...working the lifts back into my regular rotation, getting re-used to the movements, refining form, and then I'll give it a go. I'm excited :)

Meanwhile, late last week I took my deadlift for a spin to see how she was lookin ;) Kept it light and simple with 5 x 5 sets. Here's the last set (lost my grip on that last rep, had to reset):

Not too bad for 5 months off, I feel encouraged ... in so many things, beginning again :)

One Year Ago...Update

2011-05-09T20:56:00.001-04:00

Surprise surprise, I haven't posted in ages. I've been a bit on the busy side...on the job front, on the home front, on the training front (even though I'm not specifically training for anything right now), and on the weight/eating/recovery front...

On a whim tonight I thought I'd look back and see if I posted anything around this date a year ago. Surprise - I posted on May 9th, 2010...Nutrition and Wt Battles Continue.

I'm still fighting with some of the same things, but in many ways I've come really far. It's less of a struggle, and I'm catching myself before spiraling way down deep into it. I owe a lot of that to a lot of folks who've been patient with me while I try to figure things out. Christie, RC, Coco, Tara, Brandi, Brooke...tons of others too, who've just been understanding.

I've been dieting...the same plan I talked about in one of my few posts in March...100g carbs most days, low cals, and either a high day or a cheat meal day once every 4-7 days. It's been hard and progress is very slow..not quite 1lb per week on average. But I'm getting leaner than ever at a higher weight, and my body is sort of evening out..it behaves less extremely? Not sure how to fully explain that...but the extremes are less extreme.

I wish I knew how to communicate a feeling that washed over me a few weeks ago...it was a deep down inside feeling that knew I was never going to do this again, that I've got a handle on it...THIS TIME is like the time in 2000 when I knew I was going to lose weight "this time." That's it, no questions no doubt. Ok so there's some doubt, but I let go of the constant worry. I had a session a few weeks back with Christie where I explained this letting go, that I realized EVERYTHING was completely out of my control and I could only do what I could...hahah how silly right, of course that's all any of us could do. But I've been so determined to take and keep control of everything, it took losing control of everything (job, home, weight, etc) to realize that I couldn't do it...and more importantly, that that was OK.

She also had me draw out this sort of mental transformation I've made between sometime in 2006 and now...I've never wished more that I were an artist and could really put the vision I have in my head to paper. It still felt good to get it out.

Yes I'm still trying to lose a bit of this, but I'm not letting it overwhelm me. I'm keeping my high days (and fully enjoying them), I'm not fearing my off days, I'm not letting the scale determine the direction of my day...my focus is not the number but how I feel and how my clothes fit. I'm almost there, and I think I'll end up at my highest "goal weight" ever...and be happy about it :)

At the same time I've sold my house, moved, and continue the career pursuit. Things are settling down a little, but all in all, I'm feeling pretty good. Letting go of all that stuff (whether by force or voluntarily I think is irrelevant at this point) was the best thing that could have happened. Yay...I feel like I'm on the ascent...coming out of the abyss, hopefully with my treasure :)

Training...to return soonish :)

Another Non-Training Training Blog Post ;)

2011-03-30T20:56:00.002-04:00

So, after consulting with my Realtor tonight just to be SURE...it's official, and I'm moving. The offer that was made on my house for the short sale has been officially accepted by the bank, I got the paperwork today, and the closing date must be on or before 5/12/2011.

Six weeks to find a new place to live and move. Totally doable. Stressy, but doable. And oh....*relief* once those papers are signed!

Danette (my realtor - she rocks, and if you're in SoFL I would highly recommend her!) is going to help me find a place, and we're going to target 5/1, so I can try to move over time rather than all in one day (hopefully the full 12 days until 5/12!).

I'd hoped that I'd have found a new job by now so that I could move to a place that was convenient for that, but...hey what can ya do ;) I'll probably just stick around this general area, because..well, I like it! It's not far from West Palm, not far from Fort Lauderdale, it works for me in a good way :)

I can't believe it actually happened this quickly, it's very very lucky that I not only got a buyer but also that the bank moved me through the process and ultimately accepted the offer!

So while things are still up in the air job wise, and even where I'm going to be living, I'm comfortable with it. I have a deep sense of "it's all going to be ok, it's working itself out." Slowly but surely, one step at a time :)
Yay :)

What's New & Different

2011-03-28T21:00:00.002-04:00

After RUM 4 in January I decided I needed a break from powerlifting for a while for a variety of reasons, but one in particular: it's exhausting :) Don't get me wrong, I love it, but I learned (the hard way) a long time ago that regardless of the TYPE of stress (physical vs emotional/mental), the body responds to it in the same way. So while I'm hammering away and physically stressing my body, if there's *stuff* going on that is causing other sorts of stress, it's like a double dose. So, I opted to chill a bit on the physical stress, since there wasn't (isn't) a whole lot I can do about all the OTHER stress.

For a while that caused me it's own sort of stress, I felt a little lost in the gym - no plans, no goals, no events. But I went on a run or two for cardio and decided "hey, ya know what, this feels good again!" And I decided to run with it (har har), thinking it'd be a great past time until I felt like I could take on the PL again. I signed up for a 10k on April 3, I set up a training plan..it was *very* exciting ;)

One week in and I was doing well! I wasn't far off on pace (it came back quickly) and I added a whole half mile to my runs (4 miles total!) and BAM, out went that knee. Pretty much just like that, too :( I don't know what I did, how I did it, but it was excruciating for a solid day, and then just really really painful after that. I knocked off the running immediately, RICE was the order of the day(S) and no lower body training. A week later I tentatively tried some body weight squats - nope! Basic leg extensions...NO GO! Didn't even have full ROM with no weight. Boo. More RICE...another week - repeated the tests, they went well! *phew* Another week (last Friday) and I tried some lightweight squats - bar, 65, and 85lbs...score! Yay!

So here I am, one week out from that 10k. Not gonna happen. And I've decided that if I have to choose, I'd rather squat than run. So running's officially out, aside from the occasional (and probably now LESS frequent) cardio run on the weekend.

The emotional/mental stress has greatly reduced since January, mainly because I've "let go" of so many of the things that are out of my control. All I can do is the best I can each day. I can't plan for every contingency, and there is a LOT of stuff just up in the air. All the time. And each day I'm a little more "ok" with that :) So I made that choice, but I'm not quite ready to go back to PL yet, despite the drop in stress levels.

Instead, I'm trying to drop these extra pounds, for real. We've come up with a plan that so far is working, but it's difficult. 40 mins moderate cardio x 6 days, training x 6 days and 1400 cals with 100g carbs. A "high" day every 5-7 days as needed...it's coming down. It's tiring, and it's definitely NOT a PL diet ;) I am weighing every day, but the plan is to stop when I FEEL right again. I have a goal dress and goal jeans, not a specific goal weight. I'm not obsessing, I'm not precisely measuring, I'm not neurotically tracking, and I'm not fearing my off days or my high days. I have trusted friends by my side, a plan in place, Christie's sort of approval(ish), but - I do feel like the past 8-9 months have taught me a lot...I'm ready for this. This time, just like that one time almost 11 years ago, is different :)

This is the image I'm keeping in mind as I do this, this is my visualization when times get tough (there are a *few* some days ;) - I'm going to be back here, strong, confident...soon :)

Staying Put

2011-03-15T14:27:00.004-04:00

It's been far too long since I've posted here, again. I'm sure it will happen again, too. Instead of feeling guilty about it, I'm just going to come here when I need it, when the expression of something I'm carrying will help me to feel better. I have enough stuff to feel guilty about and worry about.

I woke up this morning in *that* place. The scale was actually slightly less than yesterday, and yet I felt bigger, close that were fine yesterday were disgusting today, I felt more out of control today, and on and on. You know these days. I shrugged it off and went on my way to the gym, where of course I was weaker, slower, LESSER. Than what? Than last week? Two weeks ago? Not sure..but I assure you I was very very something-er less than "before." I left there 110 minutes later just feeling angry and bad. I wanted to fight, I wanted to yell and throw things and cry. I still didn't know why.

I started to take it out on myself when I got home and hit the shower. Everything I saw was wrong, flawed, weak, fat...you name it. I thought about Christie reminding me that when the body HATE, I mean deep HATE really flares up, it's likely not my body, it's something else - another emotion, a different battle. Pause she said, and figure out what it is - the problem is not your body, "it'snotmybody-it'snotmybody-it'snotmybody-it'snotmybody**breathe**it'snotmybody-it'snotmybody-it'snotmybody-it'snotmybody."

It's been a struggle to keep that in mind today, I will tell you that. But I think it (or a piece of it) finally came to me this afternoon. I can't control the job situation right now, not to the extent that I'd like. I've told myself, tried to be very convincing, responsible, smart...."move wherever there's an opportunity, be open...you can go anywhere, be free!" Sure it makes sense, it sounds good, it's the right thing, the SMART thing to do - yeah? Hell yeah it is...I'm un-tethering myself from the house and that opens up my horizons..releases me to move about the country as needed.

That's what my brain says. That's what smart, reasonable, trusted people around me say.

Yet here's what I blurted out with my lunch companion today, unexpectedly, probably most honestly and more from my heart as I've been in a long time ... I don't WANT to move away from here.

There I said it. And it feels GOOD to say it. I don't know why, I know it makes little sense from a career sense, financial sense...really probably ANY sense except my heart sense. I can't put my finger on why, except that I don't want to start over. Again. The last time, I very specifically chose to make my life here, why has that changed just because the job situation has? Why can't I make a go at it? I like it here.

Is that wrong? Is it worth this constant battle with myself? Why am I fighting it so much? Am I being foolish? Not to say that I will put limits and walls up and not allow myself to explore any opportunities elsewhere, but...really? Is it ok to want to say put? Not even in the house, I've let go of that - but just here. I want to be here.

I want to let go of so much of this stress, surrender, accept this.

I think there's probably more in there, I still feel very uncomfortable with me but maybe that's for another conversation, another day.

I also need a nap.

Honor This House

2011-02-10T20:24:00.001-05:00

Yesterday I woke up with a load of disgust and discontent. It was from deep within, and it was directed solely at me and at my body. I was just *blah*...wrong, off! I stared and focused in on every flaw/bump/lump/whatever...

I've been trying to "be normal" and not stress the weight, measure, track, workout like a loon, or otherwise go crazy over the weight for a while now. In June I was in the mid-high 130s. In July I spontaneously combusted and shot up into the low-mid 140s like - almost overnight, and since have averaged out in the mid-high 140s.

I feel out of control of my body. None of the steps that I'm taking are changing that..I try and I try to "accept" and yet there's been nothing but *tolerance* Lately tolerance has become a BATTLE. A serious fight day in and day out because this feeling of grossness and discontent underneath has been brewing. I know I've said this a number of times, but I'm not really sure people *get* it...it FEELS WRONG here. This is not my healthy weight. I don't care if it's within normal BMI range, I don't care if I don't look fat, and I used to worry that people thought I was being vain...but I don't care anymore, it's not about that. I quite simply don't feel good here.

It is true the more stressed I get about my job and my home and the bank and all that, my attention focuses more sharply on myself, but that's because it's the only thing that's truly mine. What's that athletic clothing line...gah I'm totally blanking...Under Armour! They have that saying, "Protect This House." My house is in terrible disarray. It's sloppy and isn't comfortable to live in. At the end of your hectic day all you want is to come home to a nice, warm, welcoming, comfy house. I want my house to be that way again. I can't keep feigning acceptance here, it's turning into a fight and I'm just starting to feel resentful. I want *my* house back...I want my body to FEEL right again..THAT is the way to honor this house. That's it. Non-negotiable.

I had some help in letting go of this fight. I was doing it all this time because it was what I was told I was "supposed" to do but not because it was what I wanted. I felt empowered, given permission to accept what my body has been screaming all along. All this time I was supposed to be letting go, and really all along I was still fighting. Letting go I think, can really start now.

I don't really have a plan for accomplishing this quite yet, but I do know I'm not going to suddenly jump back on the scale every day, and I'm not going to suddenly start logging my food again daily (the thought turns me off completely). I might log here and there just to get a sense of where I am, and maybe to create some sort of very flexible "plan," but truly the thought of going on a very structured and regimented plan doesn't appeal in the slightest. I guess "the plan" is for intentional but intuitive, and here I have to believe it CAN be both if I'm truly connected.

This *feels* right deep inside from the same place that that discomfort and discontent was spewing from.

On another note - my training has been "off" too, really struggling in the gym with focus, strength, and motivation. Sunglasses Trainer Guy came up to me today and asked me what's going on with me, he told me I wasn't myself. Hahah...understatement. I nearly burst out into tears and it felt like confession when I basically said - I don't know what to do! I know I want to be there, and I know I DON"T need to be powerlifting right now, but I don't want to think and I can't motivate myself _at all_ lately! I told him I had thought about hiring him for 2 or 3 weeks just to help get me through this. He said he would train me, he said "I'll do it, I won't take your money but I'll train you." That felt good...huge relief. This was something else that I've really been struggling with, and he's offered to relieve that for me. Tomorrow I give him my schedule, and we work out a 3 day split for next week and the week after. Possibly one more week after that if I still need it. He said, "Look, I've been telling you for what...one and a half...two years now? If you ever need help I'll help you, if this is what you need, I've got it." A big thank you Sunglasses Trainer Guy (yes I know his real name ;)

Deep breath...

Disconnect to Reconnect

2011-02-06T20:38:00.000-05:00

I haven't been treating myself very nicely this past week or so. I'm not sure why, when things get extra stressful, I sort of "turn" on myself, but I definitely have been.

The week wasn't really any different as far as the work situation goes, but maybe just the duration of the high stress is beginning to really wear me down. Between that and everything I've just been going non-stop. I have a client I train four days per week, and I'm probably picking up two more people this week. When I'm not doing that or planning for that, I'm working on web stuff for Bloom or helping a good friend with his. And if it's not that, I'm searching for jobs, writing cover letters, networking, etc (as if this is secondary!).

I'm spread too thin.

Christy once put it something like, "you have so many balls you're trying to keep up in the air and take care of, there's no time let for you. It's like you're giving yourself whatever is left over..." she wrote me a reminder note, "Don't take the leftovers." That session really resonated with me, and for a while I did a good job of reprioritizing.

This past week though, I think I've started back with the leftovers. Too little sleep, too little food, and a push for more more more drive. Part of it comes from not being able to get away from the job faast enough, so if I just apply more or get more clients or fix this or do that...work harder, somehow it'll happen that much faster. Well yeah *maybe* But there's probably a point of like...critical mass...say it with me folks...that point where more is not necessarily better. Right now all it's doing is making me want to withdraw. I'm feeling myself contract...hide in my little shell, I feel like I can't give anymore so I don't want myself OUT there...

Anyway...I did well for a while weighing myself only every other day, but it began to slip this past week. As I began to restrict the food a bit (ok...was really just 3 meals a day, 1 snack...was probably more than "a bit" but since I'm not tracking (thankfully) I don't know the full extent) and head back to the gym, I suddenly found myself on it 3 days in a row and berating myself because it wasn't going down. When did that become the goal, I missed that? It's not the goal right now! This is where I turned on me...I stared and focused on what I don't like, the number, and the thoughts.."why can't I at least fix this?!"

Friday night a friend asked me if I was taking myself out to dinner, I casually said "no" and glossed by it, but in my head I answered differently, "Ummm nooooo I'm not going out to eat, like I did anything this week to deserve that."

WoW ok..blast from the past. Back to the old, i-have-to-kill-myself-in-the-gym-to-EARN-food mindset. Nice. Despite recognizing that thought as self-destructive, I continued with that line of thinking/behavior through most of the day Saturday. I thought I had navigated through this stuff...ugh. I'd probably still be stuck in my head there had it not been suggested I just shut down, disconnect (and reconnect with ME) and get away.

So I did. I actually wrote this entry by hand from a beautiful boutique hotel in Vero Beach, FL called The Caribbean Court. I got there late afternoon yesterday, spent some time on the almost deserted beach across the street, then got all dressed up and went up to the piano bar for dinner and drinks. It was a wonderful time, I sat at the bar and talked with folks as they came and went...where they're from, how they like it, chit chat. I got back to my beautiful room around 9:30, put on a movie and promptly fell sound asleep. I could've slept better but I managed to stay in bed until 7. I got some coffee and there I sat writing this entry by hand in amazingly soft and comfy linens, beautiful fresh air and the sound of the fountain outside...Breakfast came at 9am and I enjoyed that quite literally in bed, and at 10, my in-room massage guy came.

Deep breath ahhhhhh.....here are some pix of my room, the grounds, and the beach:

After the massage I checked out and spent some time exploring downtown Vero Beach, the little boutique shops and stuff. I had lunch, and then headed for home. Back to the grind, all the realities.

I don't know why I seem to fall backwards when things get crazy, but hopefully recognizing it (and truthfully I didn't see how disconnected I'd gotten from me, until I disconnected from everything else) is at least a small step in the right direction.

I DO know when I treat myself right I am more capable - emotionally and physically more capable - of dealing and doing. Eat right, sleep right, stop when I need a break (rest), ask for help if I need it, and be kinder to myself.

Those are the only goals this week. I still need to work on all those other things, but within the bounds of treating me right and staying in tune with what my body is telling me.

Living Weightless

2011-01-28T22:07:00.006-05:00

I started a thread on eDiets a while back...I guess it was a little after I started openly talking about some of my eating/work out behavior here. Hah...I just checked, it was a full on 5 months after that (and even 4 months of dealing with it privately until I posted it here)! I was afraid of being fully "out" with it, and putting it out there, even though it's a closed community, felt like more full disclosure than putting it up here, I guess.

ANYWAY, when i started that thread to openly share some of this stuff within that community, I called it "Living Weightless." The reason I chose it was because I want to be weightless in my mind...I don't want every single day in and day out to be about my weight...I was very heavy and weighed down emotionally (and physically) by my weight, and now I've lost it but I'm still here tremendously weighed down by this stuff in my head...so I decided that it was fitting as I shared my path to finally living without that burden.

The past few weeks I feel like I've taken what feel like some enormous steps in the "Living Weightless" direction. It's been actually a lot of small steps finally adding up to something that appears tangible. I *know* there have been changes all along, but it's a nice feeling to be able to look and see how the baby steps have actually accumulated.

So, on to those tangible steps...

The weekend before the meet I was 146.2 on Friday. That weekend, I ate out not just once but TWICE, and that included two drinks on Saturday night (woot, date night :) I was also on complete rest - the stress of work and the house and training had really taken a toll, and with only 10 days until the meet I decided the best course of action was some major rest. So no training that Thursday - Sunday, not even easy cardio. Nada.

If you know me, right now you're reading that and you might just be in as much amazement as I was ;) But all of it *felt* right. I had no fear, no panicky moments...no guilt.

That Sunday, I woke up (period started too!) and I was 148.6. So let's just recap - 4 days total rest, 2 meals out, drinking, AND period, and I was up just about 2.5lbs?

I got on that scale FULLY expecting the worst and I realized very calmly, very peacefully, "Oh...I'm doing ok, I can do this."

I also realized -
Tracking/Logging food had been out of my life since Thanksgiving
Precise and neurotic weighing & measuring had been gone since a little after that, early December?

And the scale, the scale was the ONE thing I was still hanging on to.
That week wasn't the BEST week for me to decide I was ready to give up the scale. Because of the meet and because I was on the cusp of the weight class, I did need to monitor carefully. I did stay off it again until Wednesday, a HUGE victory in and of itself...it was in fact, the first time (other than being WITHOUT a scale altogether) I'd stayed off of the scale for more than one day in probably close to 10+ years.

Friday before the meet, I think I mentioned there were some weigh-in shenanigans. EVEN then, I stayed relatively calm when I didn't make weight and had to make a visit to the sauna to make it happen.

I ate WELL on Friday, I didn't feel guilty, I didn't worry about what it would do to my weight - I ate to fuel myself for the meet. Saturday I didn't do as well as in the past, but it was not out of fear or guilt, it really was just difficult for me to put anything into my tummy.

Sunday and Monday - I ate for recovery. Nothing crazy, but certainly not following the "norm" for me.

I stayed off the scale from the Friday before the meet until Tuesday of this week. Monday morning I actually picked it up and put it in the closet. Tuesday I took it out, saw the reading, and put it back. Stayed put away on Wednesday. Yesterday, another brief appearance and then back to the closet.

I thought last week when I realized I was going to be able to start letting go of the scale that I'd be better than every other day. But that appears to be my comfort zone for now, and so for now it stands...until whenever it changes. It takes what it takes...I tried this in August and I managed one day off the scale. One, and it instilled *total panic* back then. Today, it's peace.

For now, post meet - I'm taking a little time off. I initially said I was definitely taking some period of time off, but with the euphoria of the meet, that decision feels harder. I do know that I need SOME time, and I've respected that this week and I know I will through at least next week too. I'm still *tired* - deeply tired - so I've been kind to this body this week - I stayed out of the gym for the week and I got a massage last night. Wednesday was the first day I tried ANYTHING, and I stuck to the 20 minute beginner workout on Bob Harper's Pure Strength DVD. Today I worked out alongside my new client and tomorrow I'm pondering a walk along the beach after my appointment with Christie.

I'm excited to share all of this with her...she's been huge in helping me through this. Along with peeps following along here, and of course on eDiets.

We all know I'm not happy with how my body feels where I am, but I am happy with how I'm learning to live again, and love what I do have. I love my strength, and I do love my overall health. I love that I'm learning to have some respect, and appreciate my full journey. It's hard, and as I've said sooooo many times before - I know there will still be times when I falter or may "backslide" a little...but this is substantial to me, I'm on a new path and it actually feels right instead of forced, and as always - progress, not perfection :)

Maybe, almost weightless :)

Out With It - Raw Unity Wrap Up!

2011-01-27T22:39:00.005-05:00

I've sat down to write this at least 5 times since Saturday so I'm convinced at this point I just need to be out with it. I think part of the problem is that I've just got so many emotions and thoughts and BIG THINGS to say it's hard for me to organize it all and spit it out.

So here goes...

Friday I woke up at 147.0, well under the weight class limit of 148.7, but...the weigh-in did not go quite as smoothly as I'd like. After a quick consultation with RC, there were some last minute weigh-in shenanigans that involved hanging out in a sauna for about 20 minutes, but ultimately - I made it and that's that! Official weigh-in: 147.4!

After that drama settled I went off for some food, a nap, and a little bit of work before picking Ms. T(ara) and her husband Dale up from the airport. It was sooooo sooooo good to see Ms. T, she's so much like me in many ways and it's just been a long time and squeezy gf hugs kinda just rock :) We had some dinner and then headed back to the hotel - early morning!

I woke up at 5am STARVING - seriously weird when that happens because it seems like the ONLY time I'm that hungry is the morning of a meet. I had half a brownie when I woke up, then wandered over to breakfast at 6:30 (when they opened). Tara and Dale joined me, then we were off!

Got to the meet about 8:15, women were scheduled to start lifting at 9:30. I figured I'd be first, and one look at the flights showed me I was right - no pressure! Opening the squats...opening the entire meet! In a moment of freak out, I dropped my planned opening attempt from 164 to 159 (note: this seems to be a pattern. work on confidence!).

Looked around for Dave, was a little disappointed (but I guess not truly surprised) that he said he'd be too busy to really help me out during the meet, so I called on Ms. T. I knew I was asking a lot from her, for so many reasons this was a very difficult task that I asked. She was supposed to have been lifting, this was supposed to have been her first meet, but just two weeks ahead she found out basically she had to stop lifting, stop everything, due to Adrenal Fatigue. T is NOT your "just stop" kind of girl, and while I know I can't even come close to fully understanding how she felt about that, we are so similar I do think I have an idea. On top of that, I know that the long day of travel the day before on top of the excitement and adrenaline from just being there for the day was going to take a toll on her physically. I know it was extremely hard mentally to be there and not be lifting...and, I know she felt some pressure that I was to some extent relying on her judgement and opinions about lifts and attempt selection when she had no experience of her own.

T was amazing from the first minute I asked her and agreed once I explained what I needed. Let me make it clear, with all that I had going on leading into the meet, and with all that was going on crazy there - I don't believe I'd have been at all successful without T stepping up by my side. I needed that other voice with me, so right up front, Tara...many many thanks to you.

Also want to give big props to Dale for his awesome yelling! It seems weird but it really does make a difference, and Dale was an AMAZING cheering section out there...he's who you're hearing on all the videos below. Thanks Dale!!

Warm-ups went well, Tara came over to the bullpen area just ahead of my first lift and helped me get in the zone. The music came on (theme song suggested by the Fabulous RC) and it was my time to get things started!

1st Attempt Squat: 159.8
Good Lift! Nice start to the meet!

Went smoothly, a quick consultation with T and we decided to stay with the plan...

2nd Attempt Squat: 187.4
The lift was good, but it was "off" and it was a bit more of a struggle than I'd have liked in a 2nd attempt. Looking back on it I'm wondering if it wasn't because the jump from 159 to 187 was too big...

Consulted with T again, there was a moment of waffling on my part and then she said "you've got it I think you should go for it" so I did - she was right, I knew I had it, no reason for doubt. 3rd attempt entered...

This was for almost 9lb PR: 203.9

When that was over I was shaking like a crazy person! I couldn't believe it - it was a HUGE victory for me, over 200lbs from when I started not being able to squat at all!

The flights were big so there was a LOT of time between the last squat and the first bench. I tried to eat but found it difficult so I only ate a little. Warm-ups started and I quickly found I was having difficulty with my setup. Couldn't quite put my finger on it, although I was having a hard time with my back which was weird, because I felt nothing during squats. I told Tara to please remind me to slow down and take my time during setup...my feeling was I was rushing it and that's why all my warm-ups felt "off." The plan was to hopefully hit a PR at 126, here's how it actually went down:

1st Attempt Bench: 104.7
Good lift - I did slow down and take my time for set-up but I still felt off. The lift was no problem though, so we went ahead with the 2nd attempt as planned...

2nd Attempt Bench: 115.7
Also a good lift, but same issue with the back/set-up. It wasn't quite as speedy as it needed to be for me to feel confident in the 126 third attempt, and Tara agreed, so we went for the small victory..1.3lb PR with a choice of 121.3 for 3rd attempt...

3rd Attempt Bench: 121.3
No lift. Just couldn't get it...set-up was still off, back was off, and obviously the lift was off...just didn't have it. Maybe squat took too much..I don't know, but it got stuck a few inchces off the chest, and the spotters grabbed it.

I had a moment after the missed Bench where I needed to get my head together. I was pissed since once again I've hit MORE than that several times in training, but...the lift was over and done, I had an AMAZING squat PR, and I still had MY lift left to do, as T pointed out :) I was a little concerned about how much the squats had taken from me, and had some waffling and self-doubt about my planned attempts for deads...T and I decided to just play it by ear, that the 1st dead was not a problem regardless, so stick with it and then go from there. Got my head on straight, and knew that was the right way to go.

There was another LONG break between bench and deads. Still had a difficult time eating..my tummy was rebelling every time I put something in my mouth I kind of wanted to puke. Nothing was sitting right. T finally intervened and was basically like "i don't care if you don't want it, you NEED it so DO it!" And she was absolutely right. I had started to crash during that break, and after I forced down some food I started to come back to it fairly quickly...

Got my fab DL socks out - ninjaaaaaaa
T had brought them for me, cuz she rocks like that - check 'em out:

Warm-ups finally started, and I was getting fired up for deads. Did a few warm-up reps and then it was TIME. I'm getting pumped just recalling this part of the meet, hah! I opened pretty light (comparitively) - saving it up for that 3rd attempt. I was second to lift for deads, but I was ready to GO when it was my turn...totally amped! T told me to hold onto it, not to unleash it all quite yet, she said "You can do 275 all day, hold on to it for later" She was right...

1st Attempt Deadlift: 275.6
Easy! Good lift!

Quick consult with T, decided to stick with the plan...

2nd Attempt Deadlift: 297.6
Easy! Good lift!

OMG - this was THE moment..I had to submit my 3rd attempt...the choice was 319 or 325..which is it?! Just asking that question out loud to T and I knew...it's 325 baby!!

Watching the rest of the women lift between my 2nd and 3rd attempt just got me MORE amped. The deadlift is an EMOTIONAL lift...it's one that you can fight and pull and pull and pull...no spotter is going to take it from you. Sometimes it seems sheer WILL will finish the lift..it's just awesome to watch! It really got me pumped, and I knew what was coming for me...I felt like I had to make this lift happen for everything that's happened, for everyone that's supported and been behind me...I needed to unleash all of it on that bar!

Just before I went out for this lift (a potentially 10.2lb PR) T said to me, "Go out there and rip that bar off the floor for EVERYONE!" YEAH!

I'm so excited about this lift, there was a lot of emotion and a lot of relief and release of emotion with this lift...it was the best feeling lift EVERRRR!

here it is...3rd Attempt Deadlift: 325.2lbs

YES!
An amazing meet all in all. Two *huge* lift PRs, my total increased by 13lbs (13 and not 18 because technically I lost 5lbs on the bench) in just 3 months, and I got to see and spend the weekend with Tara.

I mean seriously, could it have gotten much better? We hung around for the awards and then headed on out to get some FOOD. I was ready to eat by then, hahah..I think my tummy settled.

We went out to the Outback, by the time we actually got to order though I was so out of it I coudn't even read the menu. T and Dale had to explain my choices to me, hahah. But a little food in me and I was feeling much much better after that.

Back at the hotel room, Tara and I had some time to just catch-up...good good stuff. I really miss having girlfriends around :(

Sunday morning I dropped Tara and Dale off at the airport and headed back towards home. I woke up sore, but more so very tender to the touch! That was a first..I felt like my entire body was bruised, and the slightest touch hurt! Even my bra hurt...ugh. I was definitely wiped out...a few days later though and I'm feeling whole and almost normal again.

I've got a lot more to share, some personal victories with eating and the scale, and a lot of it stemming from/near the meet. But for tonight I did just want to get all of this up and out...

Ultimately, I placed dead last. I was last in my weight class, last in the overall "middleweights," and last of all weight classes combined. But for me, I had a great day and I'm happy with the overall performance.

It was an awesome experience, I still smile when I think of it, I'm actually proud of me for it. And again, super grateful for Tara, and for everyone who tuned in and cheered me on. My Facebook page still leaves me grinning when I look at it!

RUM Today!

2011-01-22T05:57:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted in ages, THINGS have been getting in my way, sucking my energy and time and this has been the last place I've come, unfortunately. All this time though, training has continued on. There have definitely been days when my energy has been extremely low, my strength definitely has been affected. But the past few days I've been able to disengage from the THINGS that have been distractions and start to really focus on what I've been training for, and that's today - The Raw Unity Powerlifting Championships.

The past few days I've made ME the priority and done my best to balance out all the important factors: the sleeping, eating, training, resting...all of it has been coming together and this morning I woke up feeling SOLID for the first time in weeks.

RC told me to go out there and be a "power BEAST" and that's just what I intend to do.

All my strength, all my power, all my love, everything I've got!

I'm not coming off that platform today with anything left - all I've got is going out there. I have some big lifts ahead, and I need to own them, they're totally within my power.

The Plan
The 3rd attempts listed are what I've been training towards, but a smart plan is flexible if needed:

Squat: 165.3 / 187.4 / 203.4

Bench: 104.7 / 115.7 / 126.8

Deads: 275.6 / 297.6 / 325.2

Total: 655.4

Virtual support WELCOMED - Live streaming of the meet starts at 9:30am EST on Saturday here: http://www.rawunitymeet.com/ Women will open the meet today, and as usual I will probably be right up first or very near first since the lifters squatting the least open ;)

It looks to be like a very long day with 3 flights instead of the usual 2. So all women will do all 3 of their squats in rotation, then all of the very lightweight men and their 3 squats, then all of the lighweight men and THEIR 3 squats...THEN women will do their bench and so on.

I know I have friends and family tuning in for the live stream, and I'm beyond excited and grateful to have the amazing T cheering me on *in person* I'm a lucky girl for that :) She's pretty amazing these days. A few others will be stopping in too, Ms. Tina is coming by to cheer, and possibly, of all people, sunglasses trainer guy from the gym may be in town, hah!

With all the positive support behind me, with my solid training and prep up to this point, with all I've got out there on the platform...

Today is mine.

FitarellaTV & The Pulse!

2011-01-02T21:42:00.005-05:00

Tomorrow is shaping up to be an exciting day in more ways than one :)

I'm super excited that Ms. Jacqueline Carla, AKA Fitarella has invited me to come by FitarellaTV tomorrow around 1pm. We're going to talk stuff. Stuff like weight loss, getting fit, powerlifting, and what's to come (hmm just what IS to come?!), and I have to say I am pretty psyched about the whole thing :) Check it out if you can!

What's FitarellaTV?

FitarellaTV is a fun, interactive women’s health show on The Pulse Network, broadcast live online every Monday, 1pm EST (streaming live to iPad & iPhone as well). If you miss a show, no worries, each episode is available on demand on Fitarella.TV and The Pulse Network after the live show. On FTV, no topic is off limits! From nutrition to sex, I cover it all! And YOU can join the conversation during the live show by calling in, tweeting or skyping.

To connect with the show:
calling - 877-pulse-411
twitter- @thepulse (#thepulse)
skype- thepulsenetwork (all one word)

Check it out if you can! Fun!

A New Year Rising

2010-12-31T23:17:00.001-05:00

2010 hasn't been the smoothest of years for me. Between work, the house, the bank, the injuries, and the eating "issues," I've definitely had a lot on my plate through the majority of the year. It hasn't really slowed down any. In fact, if I had to say, I'd say it's just piled higher and deeper with all signs pointing to a few more inches before it's all over!

But what is there to do? Nothing can be solved with worry, nothing can be solved with fear or with hiding from reality, nor will I feel better if I allow myself to feel overwhelmed with it all.

Last week I got to visit with my family and friends, and I had a good reminder of all I do have...of all the good that i can celebrate from 2010, all I learned and experienced, and all the good I still have to look forward to, regardless of what happens in the days/weeks/months to come...

That brings me to a song I heard today...it was by the Foo Fighters and the lyrics to "Times Like These" went like this:

I am a new day rising
I’m a brand new sky
To hang the stars upon tonight

New Years Eve can be considered the new year rising, and that is a beautiful thing. But the thing that's even better, and the thing that often gets overlooked is that every day is the new day rising, and every tomorrow is the brand new sky. That means endless chances to change, to get back up and try again, to push on, endless chances to laugh and love. Endless chances to remember that I still have an amazing family, friends that are always there for me, I have my health and strength, and I'm working on finding my TIME again. The past is exactly where it needs to be (behind me) and I'm taking steps to move forward. Granted, some are bigger than others, but every step is in the right direction.

So besides the biggies, some of the things I need to focus on with each new day:
1. Listening and trusting me, finding balance (work/life, training, food)
2. Stretching (always!)
3. Getting back to some personal training

Cheers to New Years and new days rising...

December Skillz!

2010-12-20T21:46:00.001-05:00

This is skillz week! We love that :)

Usually Skillz Day falls on a Wednesday but I swapped mine around this week due to holiday travel craziness, so today was the day!

The PLAN called for (a bunch of warm-up sets and then...):

Squat x 185 and 195
Bench x 110 and 120
Deadlift x 290 and 310

Which I stuck to, exxxxceeeepppptttt on Squat :)
I went ahead and went for the ole 200...

And I did it! YEAH! OMG you have no idea how excited I was! Here's the big lift of the day:

Note happy dance at the end! Hahah :)

Bench went well, we only videod the 110 though, just in case there wasn't enough juice for the DLs:

For Deads, 290 went up pretty easily and with pretty decent form. A little rounding of the back but nothing excessive and I did set up strong - chest up, tight arch, but I was really beginning to tire here. Tooooo many DL warmups prior to this lift I think..plus essentially a meet in 90 minutes, so way less rest and no between lift snacks...FUH-tigue ;)

Here's 290:

Up next was 310. Lemme just preface this with *wow* 310 looks ugly! I told Myles before I did this one I was already tired, he said (after) that that might imply how the lift would look, hahah...too true! Terrible back rounding...very tough off the floor, but once I broke it it came up fast. 260 x 2 prior to the 290 I think was too much. One would've been plenty ;) Here it is, in all it's bad form glory ;)

So with that...we finish out the training plan. Which, crap! I forgot to mention to Dave, ends a week too early...I noticed it last night. Anyway...feeling good about the meet! yeah!

T's Skillz Day is on Wednesday :)

Raw Unity 2011 & GF Powaaaa

2010-12-19T10:03:00.001-05:00

As if I couldn't already be excited enough about Raw Unity 2011, I've talked the fabulous and amazing Ms. T into joining me this year! The QT's have been lifted and T is in her off-season, so why not?!

With only 6 weeks to prep, we are getting down to business fast. In general, it's just some tweaking of the basics to get her PL prepped, learning the commands and the rules, and then building on her already strong lifts for added power and performance :) I have to say that I absolutely am LOVING having a virtual training partner...wish she was here, we would be having a blast. But as it is, we are performing essentially the same workouts each training day, the weight varies but the framework is the same.

I'm also loving being in a vaguely coaching role, so much fun! I still have a lot to learn, but I think it's helping me focus and better understand what I HAVE learned in order to pass it along.

T's found someone at her gym that is helping her adjust the mechanics of some of her lifts and I think in just one or two sessions he's been a tremendous benefit to her. That plus she's starting to video her lifts now and send them along..we're gonna have her squared away in no time - she's gonna be a supastaaaah at the meet. First time, and a total of 600+ is in the cards! We're gonna be quite the duo, I suspect ;)

YEAH!

Meanwhile, my training is coming along well, tomorrow is "Skills Day" and Myles is once again accompanying me to the gym. I *heart* skills day :) That should give us some good info to use going into the meet...we'll see, I'm sure Myles will make me behave myself but of course I don't *want* to ;)

Leaving on Tuesday for VA, I fully expect to be able to get all my training in while home and not miss a beat. When I get back a week from Wednesday, I'm subbing OUT one training session hopefully to train a day with the infamous RC-ster - fun!

I'm Still Here

2010-12-18T18:14:00.000-05:00

I've been very successful the last few weeks in just BEING. I've not logged food or tracked calories or macros since Thanksgiving. I've had insanely good training sessions...but the past week or so I've been feeling extremely out of control. My weight had been fairly stable (and many will argue it still is) around 145 until the onset of my period when I bumped up 3lbs. Now three weeks later, essentially none of it has gone. With each day, the obsession over that grows, along with the sense that I need to DO something..."it's been long enough! it should come down! obviously you're doing something wrong. Fix it, less food, work harder..." blah blah blah...

I recognize that a) I don't know why it popped up and won't come down (well I know why it popped up, it's the won't come down part I don't know...), and b) this feeling today really is not about my weight but the general feeling of being out of control of my life, and wanting to control SOMETHING.

We found out we were taking another paycut at work, and when that came down and I still hadn't heard from the bank, I decided to take control of the situation and list my house for short sale. That decision felt freeing and brought a small sense of relief and closure to a situation that felt like it would never come to resolution. Just before the Realtor came to take pictures and get the house listed, the bank sent me a letter and denied my modification. So today I really have no idea what's going to happen with it...I have no control of what the bank might do, or how things are going to work out, I just have to trust that right now in each moment I'm making the right decisions toward the future.

I do recognize this feeling though. This is the tightest, most squeezed, feeling most "captive" point...the point where I feel all of the tension about "what's to come" and not knowing and a lot of fear...I know pushing through this there will be a release on the other side, there will be that moment of freedom when I can run out with my arms outstretched, I know that all of this will ultimately lead to a big growth spurt and new opportunities and all around good things. RIght here on the precipice I know the only way to escape is to jump, but it still looks like a huge jump with no net...Really I wish I had someone to jump with me, but...I've done this before, I just need to stay the course.

In our last session (the one before today), we talked about not giving yourself the 'leftovers." She said (summarizing) 'you spend so much time running around trying to put out fire after fire, to fix that, and make this right, and make that better, and help this person and do this over here...that by the time you get around to you you expect YOURSELF to run on autopilot. No attention, no self care necessary. You essentially look at yourself and say "hey, really? you can't just work on autopilot? Really? I have to pay attention to YOU TOO? what is WRONG with you?"

Today when I saw her, she reminded me of that. She said now, more than ever, I cannot give myself just the leftovers.

Many Thanks

2010-11-28T21:04:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving morning I went to the gym for my regular Deadlift training session. There I ran into a woman who I hadn't seen in a few months. When I had spoken to her a few months back, she was new to the gym and she was definitely having a hard time with some things, she asked me a few questions here and there. Super nice and I thought she was going to do great, she was consistent and trying hard...anyway she disappeared.

Thursday when I saw her she came right up to me and said hello, I was really happy to see her :) I remarked that I hadn't seen her in a while, and she briefly told me that she had found a lump in her breast and then about all the tests and the procedures and ultimately she had surgery to have it removed. I asked her if she was ok, did she have to have chemo or radiation or anything and she said no - they got it all in surgery. And then she said, "so it's taken a while for me to recover enough to get back here, and now I'm just...(long pause here...and then she cried)...enormous!" Which, she wasn't..but whatever...WOW.

From the depths of my heart I wanted to just wrap my arms around her and give her a huge hug (I didn't, semi-stranger and all), but instead told her how much that SOOOOO didn't matter, that she's healthyand safe now and it's ok to build back to things slowly, and what a wonderful Thanksgiving gift! She cried some more because her foot was hurt somehow too and she couldn't squat, and she just felt *completely defeated*. It was all over her face and in her eyes...it was heartbreaking. We talked a bit longer, she stopped crying, and she resolved to just start slow and try again and she wandered off. She didn't stay very long, maybe 20 minutes total and she left.

To make this about me (nice, right?) - I welled up tremendously on the inside when she came out with "enormous," it was honestly the last thing I expected to hear. I never believed more strongly than in that moment that the weight didn't matter, that she was healthy and not suffering through radiation or having chemicals all injected into her body. I'm trying to articulate something here that I'm having a hard time finding words for, so bear with me...

It was like anytime I had tried to say that before - whether to myself or to someone else, was in comparison, a total flat out downright lie. The power with which I felt that at that moment was immense, and if THAT is the measure I have to go by, then I can't possibly have ever believed it until right then. Does that make sense?

I felt small for the tremendous worry I've put into what amounts to somewhere between 6 and 10 pounds. This year has been hard for me and I've gotten way too caught up in the negative, so what with the finances, the cut and pay...I still can still eat and drive and have a roof. So what about the bank and the fucked up mortgage stuff, and so what to alllll of it - I am healthy and my friends and family are healthy and safe and despite the struggles, I really have so much to be thankful for and there is nothing REALLY wrong....

In that moment I realized that I really need to do a better job of getting my head out of my ass on a daily basis. And I've known that, and I've felt that before, but never quite so profoundly as I did Thursday. I know others have had moments like this...and even have shared them with me. Maybe not about weight or whatever, but general worry about things like jobs, economy, etc - worry followed by the realization of what really COULD be wrong, and a recognition (or re-remembrance of) what is important.

What COULD be wrong is someone that I care about could be very ill or dying. And thankfully right now, that is not the case. So in the face of nothing less than that - I should be strong and forever thankful for health and general well-being...the health of my family and friends and the health of myself.

For me, it finally connected, all of it. What's important. It's weird it came not from my mom's 5yr cancer all-clear, or a while back from a personal story a close friend shared with me about a health scare in their own family - but from what amounts to essentially a stranger. I'm not sure if it was because of the day, if it was because the time was just right, who knows why...but it did, and I'm sooooo grateful for that.

So I went into the rest of the day "light." I had no worries, I had no plan! What would I need to plan for? Really...I had a wonderful invitation to enjoy the day with RC's family, and that's all I needed to know and do :) I simply had every intention of enjoying that time, and I did :) And I can't say enough how wonderful it was to be welcomed into someone elses family that day when mine was so far away. And on THE day when all of this came together for me. What's important....oh here come the tears :) But happy ones :) Did I mention RC's mom? She's a shining bright light :)

Anyway - again the day with RC and his family was beautiful. We ate a million courses before the main meal, I enjoyed a little bit of wine, and a little of everything I wanted. After dinner we went for a short walk, then came back in a bit later for dessert. Which was plentiful, and included in addition to the traditional pie choices, also a birthday cake for RC's wife AND chocolate chip cookies for RC, hahah. I had THOSE, OMG yum. Two :)

I came home just filled with lots of thoughts, a lot of joy, a lot of 'lightness' despite the food..really I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. Interestingly, I was down a half a pound the next day.

I've been able to carry this lightness with me all weekend. I met the guy for coffee turned lunch on Friday, and Saturday we had dinner out. So three days in a row...I've eaten what I've wanted and foods that aren't "normal" to me. I haven't logged a single calorie or figured any macros since Wednesday. I'm listening, trusting, and feeling, and find I'm getting so much better at knowing both hunger and satiety and I can feel some of the fear leaving as that improves...more lightness. Today even after a very rich meal last night, I'm down yet another half pound (obviously I'm still weighing myself daily)...but beyond that though I feel lighter in just BEING, I feel strong, and I feel more joyful. I really enjoyed the beach yesterday...honestly it may sound crazy cheesy but I just see things slightly differently.

Maybe I've finally made my first full step towards truly living weightless :)

Laying the Foundation

2010-11-13T18:50:00.000-05:00

I guess I'm looking at the past week or so as building the new foundation for myself...last week with all of the food and the meet I walked away feeling like my body really DOES know what it needs, and I CAN listen...I just have to be open to it. And I have to be open to it more than just once every few months come meet time....imagine a whole training period of doing it right and how the NEXT meet day will be?!

I CAN imagine it, especially after this one...and I'm up for the challenge. T-minus 10 weeks and counting till the next one. Lots of time to practice and get this right. A few bricks have been layed in the right direction.

I had an appointment with Christie today...we talked about the few days before the meet, the meet, after the meet...hahah...all about food. We talked about the realizations I'd had from the meet about the amount of food I probably need, but we also talked about last night at my last meal with my parents - I found another piece of the puzzle.

Disclaimer: if anyone's view of food is more skewed than mine, it's my dad's ;)

So we're at dinner. I had ordered a grilled mahi-mahi with veggies and a baked potato. He'd ordered fried clams, potato wedges and cole slaw, and an appetizer of clam chowder. He's about half way through his chowdah (correct spelling ;) and makes his very typical announcement, "well I'm full" as he takes another bite and then another. Then he tells me he doesn't really need to eat very much, really he needs very little and could eat just once a day, but he was raised that you always finish what's on your plate no matter what, so he just can't stop.

Sure dad. I proceeded to remind him he was an adult, and his mother was 2,000 miles away, and if he REALLY was full, to stop eating, no one here would shove it down his throat. Which he protested and couldn't do. He finished the chowdah, then his meal came and he finished almost all of it (few potato wedges left), continuing to make comments now and then about being forced his whole life to finish what's on his plate regardless of satiety.

And somehow this was a "click" moment for me. My Dad doesn't know when he's satisfied. I don't think he even knows when he's stuffed.

I've come pretty far in recognizing when I'm hungry, and I've been working on eating when I'm hungry too (but if I'm being honest I've done a crappy job at it..I essentially throw my hunger a bone and try to be all conservative..like "oh...I'm hungry, ok I think I'll have a rice cake, that'll do the trick!"), and I know from my experience last weekend that I can recognize (*when I actually eat enough*) when I'm satisfied, and that I can stop eating before I get over full. But the catch is, on a day to day basis - I never give myself that opportunity to get fully satisfied (and stop eating!) because I prepare meals that are a certain size or portion, and that's it.

This right here [--------] is my meal. And that's it. When it's gone, I'm "satisfied", because that's the portion I prepared and because at some point along the way THAT was the right portion for weight loss. "Satisfied" in this case really simply means "done," satisfied or not! It's when I stop eating because THAT is the portion, not necessarily because I've had enough to eat. And while I've been trying to eat between meals when I'm hungry - maybe it's more that I shouldn't be hungry between meals (hahah...ding ding ding!).

So I don't really know what satisified feels like on a regular day-to-day basis...I eat to a point where I'm no longer ravenous, but never to the point where I feel really good and sated.

Today's work then has been preparing larger portions than "usual" and practicing eating until I'm satisfied. Which so far has been kind of scary (trust!) but going ok. This evening I feel like some of my energy is coming back...I was pretty wiped earlier in the day.

This is allll testing my tolerance but also probably proving a point...since I went back to work and working out and more of a "regimented" eating plan (and resultant lower calories) my weight has gone up (eat less, weigh more! :P) to almost 148....reaaaallly pushing it and honestly it stresses me out and makes it very hard to trust and not restrict restrict restrict. But I'm pushing through it, and feeling better is a big help.

Writing this all out I feel a bit like an idiot..like it's all a lot of "duhhh," but at least I'm finally piecing the "duhhh" together and trying to act on it :)

It's important that I get this right! I want to be strong! And healthy! And not neurotic! Or at least, less neurotic ;) Dave sent me my new training parameters and has upped my maxes for the next meet to 205 squat (!), 125 bench, and 325 (!) deadlift. That means all of the weights I'll be training with have increased as well since they are based off a percent of max, so it's ramping up fast. Gotta get this.

Another Brick Down...

2010-11-09T07:44:00.000-05:00

You know Sunday night I promised myself not to get on the scale on Monday morning after the insane food fest of the weekend. The thing about all that was that that I knew I wasn't overeating for what I needed to do on Sunday. I mean I would make different choices obviously on a regular basis, and the overall quantity probably needs to be less - but given what I weighed in at on Saturday, and what I weighed on Monday when I did not keep my promise to myself...I was shocked. I was only up 2.4lbs to 146.6 yesterday morning...I don't think that was fat either, some sodium from eating out every single meal and I think that's about it! And even today, after I spent the day basically on the sofa doing *nada*...just about the same as it was yesterday.

Trying not to overthink it(harder than you might think, hahah) but I keep going back to how much I ate this weekend vs a "regular" day for me, and wondering how much/if at all i am undereating on a regular basis. This shouldn't be so hard and I'm probably continuing to over think and over complicate it, so I need to stop - just putting these thoughts out there though.

Right now I'm just going to keep on the same path....

I wonder how long I need to keep proving to myself, over and over, that I can do this. As long as it takes I imagine. Another brick in the path has been laid...

9 for 9: The Overview

2010-11-08T20:12:00.000-05:00

I can't tell you why or how I went into this meet feeling as confident and strong as I did - definitely more so than ever before. Was it knowing I trained my ass off? Experience maybe? Who knows, but I felt it and it was comforting to just somehow "know" that I was really ready :)

I hit all 9 of my lifts - a first for me! I hit all of the goals I set for this meet, another first! I PR'd in each of the 3 lifts, and my total (huge!) AND...my new deadlift PR actually ranks me among the Top 20 Raw/Female 148lb deadlifts!

I ate more, I ate better. I trained hard...it all came together, I had a great day :)

The nitty gritty details of the day and each lift here.

9 for 9: The Nitty Gritty

2010-11-08T20:08:00.001-05:00

Saturday morning was weigh-in. Got there at 7:30 and hopped on the scale to see 144.2, solidly within the bounds of my weight class. About 5lbs heavier than average from all prior meets, but solidly within the bounds nonetheless.

I spoke with Raphael before leaving about my food before the meet. I needed to do the weigh-in on Saturday and then nail the food to be at my best. We talked about not being afraid to eat for strength and energy, good choices of food, really taking advantage of food to go in as strong as possible on Sunday. All things I knew, but maybe I just needed to hear that I knew what to do and could trust that. Here's what he wrote, "basically just hearty food spread through the day. No macros or any of that stuff. Foods like pancakes for breakfast with eggs, a huge burger with fries or big steak with fries, maybe a big muffin at some point in the day. Just eating for strength and energy but not too the point of stuffing it down. This will have Cooth like a superwoman at the meet and probably give her a sound night of sleep too."

And so I ate. A lot. And I did it guilt and worry-free, and knowing it was going to help me on Sunday and I felt good about that :) Careful not to just load up and feel lethargic and gross, but I ate a ton. Pancakes, eggs, turkey sausage, breakfast potatoes for breakfast, a half pound burger with cheese and sweet potato fries, a 7oz steak with mashed potatoes, a VPX bar, and a big chocolate chip cookie from starbucks. Saturday night I got my foods together for what I would eat to keep me going through the day at the meet. I packed 3 peanut butter & jelly sandwiches, a banana, a chocolate bar, a sliced up apple, and 2 VPX bars (Roasted Coconut, yum), plus 2 Spike Shooters and some xTend. That night I did sleep much more soundly..I woke up a lot, but the time I spent asleep was solid and restful.

Sunday morning - it was time. I started out with a SOLID breakfast of eggs, breakfast potatoes, a muffin, and a bagel. I got there a little early knowing I needed to register my first attempts and rack heights, and be on time for the rules meeting that started at 9. I registered all my first attempts as I had planned before the meet...Squat 170, Bench 100, Deads 270, but after the rules meeting I panicked a little and dropped my squat opener to 160. It's just the first lift of the meet, I needed to know I'd nail it no questions asked, and in the Rules meeting the meet director explained that 3 people bombed out on squats the day before - that was NOT going to be me!

He also explained that he re-arranged the flights to be 2 instead of 3, but they would be large. He wasn't kidding! I'd say each had 18 lifters. That makes for a LONG day (10 - 4), and a LOT of time between lifts...IMO too long, but you adapt or you don't - so I adapted.

I was a little worried about how things would go down in the warm-up room, since I was the only chick and they were all starting their warm-ups where I was ENDING...hahah..but they were really cool, they all helped me strip down the bar when I needed, gave me tips, etc. Pretty awesome, way friendlier than a lot of the women I've met in PL so far!

Here's how the day went down:

Opening Squat @ 49:50 (160)
Down and up, easy! Got some comments from Myles and Dave that I went "excessively" deep. The rule is the hip joint needs to be below the top surface of the knee...I didn't want to leave anything open to interpretation I guess, so I was sure to nail depth on my opener. First lift of the day done, and I knew it was going to be a good day - I felt real strong.

2nd Attempt Squat @ 1:09:00 (180)
Wellllll ok then...this one almost went wrong. I got too far back on my heels and my knees came in and I started down that "pancake" road, where I just fall forward and can't stand up out of the hole...this one was a battle, but it wasn't because of the weight, it was because I compromised my form. I was able to fight through it and get it back, and I came up strong - but I could feel them moving in to grab it! Again Dave and Myles said I went "excessively deep" and they blamed the form issues on that and a too fast descent. Based on the 180 being a struggle, they were concerned about the plan to go for 195 or 200 on the 3rd. Even though I stated multiple times that it wasn't the weight that was the issue, that it was my form and I would be sure to nail it on the 3rd, I almost let Dave talk me into just going for 190 on the 3rd, which would have tied my PR. Thankfully Myles very forcefully said, "Wait..no...what do you WANT?" I said, "what do I WANT? I WANT at least 195!" And with that, I entered my 3rd attempt at 195 :)

3rd Attempt Squat @ 1:29:00 (195)
Ahead of this squat, I visualized the descent and the pop up out of the hole. I visualized how it would feel to stand up with it on my back and knowing how it would feel when I nailed it. Myles focused my attention further on the squat I had done a few weeks earlier with him in the gym during an evaluation...more controlled descent, not as deep...*deep breath* I can DO this! I unracked, waited for my command...down....UP! I was unsure about my depth as I rose, but there was nothing I could do at that point - just needed to finish it! In my head it was a combination of "OMG it's going up! and OMG it wasn't deep enough, was it?!" In the auditorium the judge yelled "RACK!" I racked it and I heard, "and it's good!" and I knew I got it! I couldn't believe I got it! YES!

Did I have another 5lbs? I might have, I dont know...but I do know that I nailed a 5lb PR and it was time to move on and hit the bench.

It was Redemption time.

Bench 1 @ 32:00 (100)
Opened way light, because why not? Down, up, done! Smooth!

Bench 2 @ 49:40 (110)
Ahhh...110lbs. A number that has haunted me from my first powerlifting meet, and one that defeated me at my last meet. It was time to own it...110 loaded on the bar and down...wait for the command...PRESS! Up it went, no doubts, no pauses, not the slightest bit slow...it was AWESOME! I can't tell you what a relief it was to have owned it! FINALLY! And then it came time to not only own it...but to put it totally behind me...a quick conference with Dave and Myles on the 3rd attempt and in it went...my final Bench attempt was going to be 120.

Bench 3 @ 1:06:30 (120)
I had no doubts, no trepidation...I'd done 122 in training. But I wasn't cocky...I had been confident in 110 in the previous meet and it completely defeated me, so setting it for 120 made sense. That and EVERYONE was spastic about the length of the pause at the bottom, the head judge was a stickler for a solid pause and she waited to the letter of the rule "until the bar sits motionless on the chest." So prudence was in order, otherwise I'd continue to be stuck with the 110. The bar was set and it was time...down with control...PRESS! And up it went. Fast! Are you kidding me? 10lb bench PR?! After nearly 2 years of 110 haunting me, and I put it behind me by a full 10lbs! YEAH!

Now on to my favorite lift....deads :)

Opening Deadlift @ 42:50 - 270
This went up fast and easy, but something in my initial set up (too close to the bar, we think) had me off balance at the top. I felt it at lockout and felt like I could have easily lost it and fallen forward. I didn't, but I knew I needed to watch the set up on the 2nd attempt. Still - no question on the 2nd attempt...stick with the plan, stay light/conservative on the 2nd so you've got something left for the 3rd....I entered 290.

2nd Attempt Deadlift @ 9:55 - 290
The plan here was to PR my total on the 2nd attempt and lock that in. By hitting 290, my official total would become 605 - 10lbs over my former total PR (it stood at 595). I walked up to that bar owning it..careful on the set up...up! No problem! Set up was better, I was more stable at the top...now it was time to seal the deal...we conference...go for 315 or 320? Everyone agreed 315 felt like the right thing to do - so that's what I entered...a big lift, 5lbs over my last PR.

3rd Attempt Deadlift @ 24:00 - 315
Again I spent the time between these lifts visualizing the lockout on this lift. How will it feel to stand up with that bar in my hands, shoulders back - totally locked out with 315lbs? I was aggressive..own it! own it! I went out again, deliberate on the setup, no mistakes, solid arch, chest up and liiiiift! As usual a slight stick on the floor and the minute it broke the floor....up! YEAH!

315!
A new total PR...from 595 now to 630 - HUGE!
A PR on every lift!
9 solid lifts! I've NEVER gone 9 for 9 in a meet!
Myles and Dave both said "you had at least 320 and I think 325 in you!" On that, I do agree!

What a day...I'm still on cloud 9. Nine for 9 lifts....

That night we had to drive back from Tampa...a minimum of 4 hour drive. We stopped at Dunkin Donuts before heading out of townand I grabbed a bottle of milk (chocolate, 1% yummmm) and a big fat blueberry muffin (and one chocolate munchkin). That held me until we got back here and we grabbed some pizza. I was pretty exhausted - dropped my folks off at their condo and came back here to crash.

My body was wiped, but my mind could not shut down (probably the caffeine from the Spike) and I didn't sleep too well - thank goodness I'm off today and tomorrow :)

Today I feel like I've been hit by a bus, but I'm happy about it. I learned that my 315 deadlift puts me in the Top 20 Female Deadlifters in my weight class...I'm now ranked 15th in the country for the Unequipped 148s! I went to the grocery store today and that's about it. Just woke up from a nap and still feeling pretty tired, so I'll continue to take it easy the next day or so.

Dave says he wants me back in the gym on Wednesday and will send me my new training program soon. I honestly can't wait :)

RAW United North American Open

2010-11-04T21:53:00.001-04:00

I'm just wrapping a few things up here and then I am OFF! 5 days of vacation...very much needed.

Tomorrow is the drive over to Tampa, Saturday is weigh-ins and then some long lost family stuff (long story ;) and then Sunday is THE day and I am SO FREAKING PUMPED for this, I can't even tell you! YEAH!

The meet will stream live on the net on Sunday, if any of you want to tune in! I love knowing you guys are cheering me on virtually so if you CAN tune in even for just a short while, I would LOVE IT!

The meet starts at 10am EST (remember to Fall Back this weekend/Saturday night) and I am in "Flight C." I am thinking my first squat will be around 10:40 or 10:45am. I'm the ONLY chick lifting on Sunday (long story #2), so you won't be able to miss me when I'm up, hahah ;)

Anyway - if you want to, you can tune in here!

I'll be back Sunday night and can update then :)

I think that's all! YEAH so ready and excited I can hardly contain myself at this point, heh heh....I feel SOLID!

The Meet Approaches...

2010-10-26T18:29:00.002-04:00

Ok here we are with less than 2 weeks to go! I'm getting that giddy kind of excited for this meet (and let's not play - the time off around it too)!

I've got 4 training sessions left between now and then and tomorrow is the LAST big deadlift day. The past few weeks I've had a tendency to lose my back positioning at the start of the lift, so tomorrow I really need to nail it. Myles suggested that it seems I've slightly altered my set-up, trying to arch and set the back and hold it while I grasp the bar where as before, I would bend over, grab the bar and THEN arch and set my back.

Usually by now I'm all going crazy with trying to figure out attempt selections, but I'm feeling confident in 5lb PRs across the board, with potential decisions to go for 10 depending on the look/feel of the 2nds.

That said...here's the tentative plan:
Squat: 170, 185, 195/200
Bench: 100, 110, 115/120
Deads: 270, 290, 315/320

With the 5lb gains across the board I'd hit a Total PR of 30lbs (the PR's from my last meet don't "count" since I bombed the bench) which would be HA-UUUUGE! But I believe I've got a 200lb squat in me today, and I know I've hit 122 in bench training *at least 3 times* so 120 is in there too. It's just going to be a matter of what I've got in the tank THAT DAY.

This meet will be live streamed on the net as have the others. I'm super stoked though that my parents won't be tuning in through the internet this time, they'll be there for all the live action! Hahah...probably much to their horror LOL ;)

As far as nutrition, weigh-ins, etc...I've been really good with my non-plan plan the past few weeks of only logging food at the end of the day, eating when I'm hungry, etc. My wt has *stabilized* (I say that begrudgingly, in all honesty) right around 145. I'm starting to feel anxious about that...like the voice in there is starting to get a little louder "you're too close it's too close" to the cut off (148) but I'm trying to stay focused on my overall health and feeling good and just being STRONG for the meet! What a concept. It's not that I don't GET the concept...I am still just not comfortable at this weight. I know, it will come...be patient, be gentle...it will come, right?

Right?! Repeating..."Everything I eat turns to health, beauty, strength and love."

I thought I ate really well before the last meet, RC says I still had a lot of room to improve. I should probably ask for some tips...

I can do this :)

Start the countdown...I'm bringin it, all of it this time - nothin' left out there!

One Step (or maybe two!) Forward...

2010-10-17T20:22:00.001-04:00

Not even sure when I last wrote, but I feel like it's been a solid 2 weeks. And wow, hahah...I feel like so much has happened! I wish I could have kept up here. I'll try to keep it mostly to summary form, but some big stuff is changing in this crazy head of mine...

Training Updates
Last week I had my last skills evaluation before the meet and it went really well. Myles came over at 4:30 in the morning (he's nocturnal, LOL) and came along with me - it was awesome to have him there again. Didn't have to try to give myself commands, got some great cues...it was really good. I hit all my lifts (and didn't go beyond what I was supposed to do: squat x 185, bench x 116, deadlift x 300) and now the plotting begins for attempt selection at the meet (3 weeks from today)! That will be another update...

My folks will be coming for that meet, and then here for the rest of the week. Really looking forward to that visit too :)

Training (the other kind!) Updates
I got my first client with Bloom (which I'm even more behind in updating)!

Work/BodyImage/Eating Update #1
When I came home from ShopNBC I really felt like *phew* ok...I can DO this now. I have this period of time when I don't have to feel the pressure of "spokesperson" and I can do for me, work on this eating/image thing. I accepted that I needed a few new clothes because everything was too tight, and sitting in too tight clothes did nothing but remind me I wasn't where I wanted to be, and I couldn't focus on the things I needed. I had just gotten comfortable with the idea of just trying to listen to me and eat accordingly, and then BAM - our (ex!) PR firm landed me/my story in Health Magazine for the January issue and they wanted a photoshoot ASAP. It caused a lot of grief, and I went spiraling down into that abyss again when I had to go out for emergency clothing shopping.

Long story short, I had an awakening sort of moment...
Wednesday afternoon in Kim's office we were trying on all different combinations of outfits when she suddenly suggested I try the jeans she had on. The little.tiny.skinny.jeans she had on.

And it was like this MOMENT...how are these tiny little things on me, these things that fit HER? My body cannot be in THESE pants. But they were, I mean I couldn't deny it, and that was when I just thought how vastly different my image/perception/understanding of myself and my body and my SPACE are from reality.

Kim kind of beamed at me with a "See?!" look :)

I told Raphael about it later, still in shock. "But I look at Kim and I see SUPER TINY..." and he said, "and she IS super tiny!"

My perception of my overall *space* is just...skewed. A lot. I don't know how to bring them closer together, but until then I know I need to appreciate that my size/space/shape is not what it seems or feels to me.

(this is not so much a summary huh? ;)

Work/BodyImage/Eating Update #2
Friday late morning I started to feel *really low* Like head down on the desk exhausted. I wasn't "hungry" in a way that I recognized..I was just super tired. RC, smart man that he is :) says..."eat!" Hah...ahhh so simple ;) So I did. I went out to starbucks, grabbed a tall coffee and a slice of very-berry coffee cake. Got myself a comfy chair and reeeelaxxxed there for a spell. WOW...what a difference that made. I felt great after that!

When I first said I was tired, that's all I was....tired, low energy. I was definitely not feeling "hungry" in my tummy. But once I ate that little something extra, I got mad HUNGRY. I would eat and be hungry again within an hour. So I kept eating! Later in the day I felt sort of strange...well, different. My legs felt HAA-UUUGE and super hard/firm. Not bad, just different! They were solid though, I could feel it IN them, and also hard to the touch...kinda crazy.

Anyway, the hunger continued, it did not let up. At the end of the day yesterday I logged my food and I had consumed approximately 2300 cals, including almost 250g of carbs. I slept well, and when I woke up I just knew I was down...yup! Down from 144.6 to 144.0! Still hungry, but I feel fantastic :) My legs were still "hard," although not quite like Friday.

I think this was a breakthrough for me in eating and listening. Well it wasn't to start, since I still had to be "told" to eat...I missed some sort of cue there. But once the ball got rolling...I went with it.

Work/BodyImage/Eating Plan
I plan to continue with this again this week. Last week was all about journaling the food at the end of the day, and observing. No judging the numbers, just *observing* and just the facts. Separate from the clothing incidents - I was *really* good about the journaling this week & keeping the emotion (and fear) out of it...I logged at the end of the day and observed how I felt the next and what changes there were if any. So 2300 was what it was, and honestly I never at one point felt overstuffed and really just continued to feel better and better as the day went on, so it made it easier to just say ok...it is what it is!

Following this "plan" (as the extent of the plan is just logging at the end of the day), my weight went from a stupid high of 147.8 (Monday, after a day of accidentally undereating ~1100 cals) to a recent low of 143.4 today. I've also "listened" more and laid off the ~~beatings~~ workouts a bit when I was feeling really tired and needed to rest.

Observation continues...I think this is all forward progress, and I feel good :)

Less Work, More...Carbs?!

2010-10-04T20:46:00.001-04:00

Ugh so this morning...hmmm...not such a hot workout. Not sure if maybe Saturday was too soon to get right back to it or what, but today I was sooo incredibly weak and not recovered enough from Saturday to have any business in the gym. My back was tight/sore still from Saturday and I could not hold a solid arch to squat.

I worked up to the 3 x 156 but bailed after that after barely putting that 3rd rep up. Didn't think going up further as the plan dictated would do me any good and I actually felt like I might hurt myself because I could just not hold a tight arch at all.

Bench wasn't much better - at least I did that full set, but I stopped after that and left the incline db presses and the remainder of the workout (including all assistance work and an entire other round of squats) for another day. I did at least get some cardio in after but even that was probably not smart.

It was hard to let go of the training, but when I reviewed the video I'd taken of my squats I thought about T and what she would tell me if she were training with me...she'd probably be like "WTF you've got nothing, cut this out" And if T were *really* there (rather than in my crazy, voices-hearing head!) she probably would have convinced me to leave it a little sooner than I actually did, and probably to skip the cardio too, but hey...small victories.

Anyway - I'm not sure I can convey the level of stress that I had leading up into last week - now that I'm through it I'm starting to feel the effects I think, so I'm well aware I need to play it smart this week. I wrote Myles and Dave and share this with them as well...I know it was the right thing.

To that end, I was STARVING today. I mean ravenous. And I've been trying to continue the "listen-then-eat" thing, and not stick so much to a "plan." And when Dorian asked me if I wanted to get out for lunch today, I heard the voice say "no you've got your food" but I also knew that I could be reasonable where she wanted to go and all would be OK, even if it wasn't 100% comparable to what I brought.

So off we went. And all day I felt perfectly comfortable with what I ate, even the tiny bit of FroYo (it was about a half serving..about 1/4 cup).

Now at the end of the day, logging everything just to see where I've ended...NOW the doubt sets in. So that makes no sense. My body was happy and satisfied with the choices I made earlier, no sense in questioning it now...theoretically, I LISTENED and I ate what I needed.

So...for the record, this morning after another total day off yesterday, I was 144.6

Today's food:
1570 cals
145g protein
171g carbs (this is of course what makes me nervous)
34g fat

Onward!

Three Days Off

2010-10-02T22:35:00.003-04:00

It's been *forever* since I've had more than one complete day off. The trip this week sort of forced it - I hit some cardio on Tuesday morning (1st day of the trip), but with the migraine and total lack of sleep anything beyond that was not a good idea.

I got home at almost midnight on Thursday night and while I had planned on getting back to my training on Friday, I decided that wasn't a good idea when I woke up with a very tired body.

I was initially worried about that choice, since I'm only 5 weeks out from the meet, but then I realized that's precisely why I should probably sit it out. I could do my deadlift saturday and start with the new week of training on Monday, and I'd be out one workout total. Not bad...so after I worked that all through I felt better about it.

I definitely made the right decision - napped some yesterday, then went to bed around 10pm and slept in until 8 this morning! EIGHT?! It's usually a banner day if if I can make it to 6:30 or 7, 8 is unheard of! I went in this morning for my deadlift/bench workout and it was solid....three days off with a lot of hearty eating paid off, felt really strong and good :) I skipped cardio ;)

Still, I came home and napped - definitely still recovering from last week and all the crazyness leading up to it!

My weight dropped from 146.8 yesterday to 144.2 this morning (that's some crack right there, wtf?). Today I continued to eat without a plan and while the calories were a bit higher (1685), I came out about the same ratios as yesterday (40/35/25). I had lots of good stuff - blueberries and strawberries, oatmeal, yogurt, pork chop, and another square of ancho chile pepper infused dark chocolate - mmmm.

And then there was the food...

2010-10-01T20:08:00.003-04:00

Because of the schedule, the travel, and the social side of things - I knew eating on this trip would be challenging for me. I'd been trying to sort of psyche myself up for it, it got hard when my weight went up from my little meal last Saturday night.

I purposefully did not weigh myself before I left, at the recommendation/strong urging of RC - common sense knew that pretty much no matter what it said I would not be happy with it and also that it didn't matter - I had the job to do. I ate my normal meals leading up to my departure time on Monday, but found myself STARVING within only about 90 minutes of that last meal, which I wasn't ready for - it was surprising. RC texted me "eat what you need to eat." Right right...that common sense thing.

So I put all the "rules" aside and tried to live this week in that way. It was easier to do with little to no structure to the days, and also knowing that there were going to be loonnnnng periods of time between being able to eat.

I ended up eating nearly every meal out, and I ended up eating pretty much just 3 meals a day (versus 6). They were big meals, definitely more rich in carbs and fat than I would normally choose. Also obviously the sodium was higher (since we were out). Both Tues and Weds night out we shared two desserts between the four of us, and Wedsnesday night I had a small glass of wine with dinner.

I found myself really hungry by the time we ate the next meal, despite the previous meal being large. I was fearful each morning of how my clothes would fit, but they continued to fit fine (well, the same as they had been prior to traveling).

This morning I debated staying off the scale completely, particularly because of all days - yesterday was the "worst." It was not bad, but relatively speaking, I ate quite "poorly." I had a large breakfast before leaving for the studio (half egg white, half egg veggie omelet w/light cheese, huge slice of toast with peanut butter, some strawberries, walnuts, and a small blueberry muffin). At the airport for lunch I had a cheeseburger and fries. I ate the entire burger (and bun) and maybe half (maybe not quite) of the fries. I got one ancho chile/dark chocolate truffle from a gourmet chocolate store and enjoyed that with a coffee while I waited for my flight. In Atlanta when I was trapped for dinner but couldn't go very far from the gate, I wound up with a grilled chicken sandwich form Chik-Fil-A - I ate the bun again and I grabbed a small cone of Freshens "Tart Yogurt" frozen yogurt. So three squares and that was it - but really...pretty far outside the norm for me.

Anyway, shockingly (hah), I did NOT stay off the scale this morning. I was totally surprised to see my weight exactly as it was last Sunday. To the decimal place - 146.8

I'm not sure why, but I had already been contemplating all of this long before i stepped on the scale this morning. Just the difference in the eating and how I was feeling and how my clothes were fitting - how that didn't change dramatically during the week. Wednesday night after the two shows - two shows of talking about how important it is to not feel deprived, to enjoy your food, to allow yourself variety (and the entire time being fully aware of the irony of my statements), and following my dinner meal of Poached Pear & Gorgonzola Salad and a faaaabulous pork loin dish that was absolutely drown in oil or butter or some sort of sauce, a glass of wine and several bites of dessert...I fleetingly thought "I can do this."

And then I got home and I see that I DID do it.

On the other hand I was relieved and happy to be back to "normal" today. It's interesting though because I didn't go completely normal - I went with what felt good but with more normal food choices. I logged it all just now, after the fact, and I came in at 1524 calories with 40% protein, 35% carbs, 25% fat (including one square of an extremely dark chocolate bar w/ chile pepper). Which is interesting, because like the week, overall it's carbier and fattier than "normal" for me.

No conclusions, no big declarations to make - just observing and feeling and trying to stay connected to me.

Back to training tomorrow :)

ShopNBC - the Run Down

2010-10-01T17:35:00.001-04:00

So I'm back from the crazy trip to Minnesota for my first TV appearance - Guest Host for eDiets Meal Delivery on ShopNBC (this was show #2).

Travel out to MN went fairly smoothly and I met some GFs from eDiets for dinner that night. Girls night out in MN! Hah..can't find one of those here, but send me to Minnesota...lol. I had met Nancy once before 3 years ago (seriously that long?!) and Pratima once just about 2 years ago. Karen I hadn't yet met although we had spoken on the phone - what a wonderful person, so genuine and beautiful :) We had a really nice time!

Tuesday was over to the mall to get a manicure just in case there were any hand close-ups! I started getting a headache in the salon, not sure if it was triggered by the smell in there, but it certainly wasn't helped by all that. Then over to ShopNBC for training...I met with their legal team to get briefed on can/can't say and then I met with the first Host I'd be working with the next day. We sort of went through the show flow, but a lot of it wasn't finalized still. Despite things still being up in the air, it did make me feel a bit better. The headache was getting worse, took a bunch of excedrin migraine and I ate a zone bar hoping maybe I was just hungry and that would help. I met up with Kim and the food stylist and the food was looking fabulous, and then we found Connie who had just finished HER meeting with legal.

We made it back to the hotel around 6 and met up with Gina then went off to dinner. The headache was continuing to worsen, food was obviously not the issue. We went back to the hotel to do "wardrobe." Connie volunteered to try to massage the headache out of me...which I gratefully accepted. It felt better for a bit but that relief didn't last. Around 2am I was in agony and had already taken well over the limit of excedrin migraine for a 24 hour period in about 12 hours, so I went downstairs to see what other drugs were available. I paid a small fortune for some advil and tylenol and popped 3 of each. That took the edge off enough to let me sleep a few more hours.

Was up early and had a solid breakfast, and then Kim and I left for the studios at 7:30 and met with Rob, our make-up and hair guy for 8am. Once my hair and make-up were mostly done, they found me a quiet room with a day bed in it and I laid down in there until about an hour before the show just trying to stay still and keep the head under control. The other girls were in hair/make-up during that time. When I finally had to get up, I downed another cocktail of excedrin migraine, tylenol AND advil and got dressed. About 30 minutes before the show Rob did hair/make-up touch-ups and "gave me lips" LOL

Sound guys came around about 20 minutes before the show to hook us all up. Had a few moments with Lynne (the host) and a pep-talk from Kim and then it was all kinds of lights, camera, action! GAAAAAAAH!

The rest is history! I did my best, and I think each time I went on I improved a little over the last. After the first show we got some lunch (much needed) and then I went and just laid down in my hotel room (with more drugs) until we had to get back to the studios.

I got some hair extensions for the 2nd show - check 'em out:

After that, I went back to bed. Kim came in and gave me another hit of the drugs and I stayed quiet a bit longer, before going back to change into my evening outfit and get more "lips" :) I was FINALLY starting to feel better! Met with the next host briefly, and the next thing I know we were all getting mic'd up again and then BOOM - ON!

Connie and Gina were fabulous for their parts - some nerves showed through for all of us. We also had some fabulous call-ins from other eDiets members who are currently on or have been on our program - Holly, Victoria and Brooke took their turns on Wednesday and they totally rocked it.

When it was over we got some feedback from the producer and then we changed and cut out of there - back to dinner and the hotel room. Early call time on Thursday.

More of the same on Thursday, I felt like the Thursday show went the smoothest, at least form my point of view. Maybe that's because I was feeling a lot better. We had Tina call in that day and Connie and Gina were even better.

When it was all over - what a relief/release! Here we are, all dolled up and DONE:

Kim and I were off to the airport. I had a bajillion travel delays and issues, but ultimately - when i got home I couldn't have been happier. Took the day off today (for the most part, a few hours from home this morning) - no training, nada. I napped. I was exhausted.

What an amazing, crazy week. Amazing, crazy life - actually. Don't really know how I'm "here" and doing what I'm doing. I feel pretty blessed.

Thoughts on food to follow.

ShopNBC Update

2010-09-28T10:04:00.003-04:00

I'm not sure if it changed or I had it wrong all along, hahah..can we say too many balls in the air?

Anyway! My ShopNBC debut begins at NOON (Eastern) on Wednesday 9/29, not 10am :)

The other shows (7pm(E) on 9/29 and 10am(E) on 9/30) remain the same!

You can view the live stream here

Our product/order page is now up too! OMG this is real hahah!

Shop & Drop

2010-09-26T17:37:00.002-04:00

Well here we are, back to one post a week! Gah.

This week I've been pretty focused on work trying to prepare for the big event, my big debut on ShopNBC next week! I'm leaving for Minnesota tomorrow early afternoon and I'll be back late on Thursday.

I'm not freaking out anymore, starting to feel comfortable with all this but I do have moments when I feel like the ground falls out from under me - or like your stomach does that flippy thing sometimes if you go over a hill juuuuust right in the car ;)

If you're interested in tuning in, you can do it in two ways:
You can go here to find the local cable channel for ShopNBC -or-
If you don't get it, or you're at work or something, you can watch it live online.

I'm on Wednesday 9/29 at NOON and 7pm, and Thursday 9/30 at 10am (Eastern).

Eeeeeeeeeek!

In Training news, last week Wednesday was my Evaluation day, and I think it went rather well!

Squat - 181 x 3
(I definitely had a 4th, and I think a 5th in me)

I stopped because I was only supposed to do 1, I knew I was pushing it but didn't want to COMPLETELY disobey hahah ;)

Bench - 122 x 1
Take that 110! For realz, with solid pause and everything :) I was supposed to stop at 105. Not an ounce left in that one tho!

Deads - 295 x 1
Totally followed my instructions with deads and only did one of the weight I was supposed to do. The guy that crept in behind me was really a little unnerving, he was super close, and after I locked out the lift I almost fell forward with it, which would have fucked up my back in a big way, thankfully I regained control! This went up FAST and easy - yeah!

So given all that, and given I did it in a calorie deficit (have been dieting for ShopNBC appearance, to little improvement - I can't win), Dave changed up my training program a bit, and I start with that on Monday. He cautioned me not to stray from the program or I risk not being at my best for the meet, so I'm going to be better about that from here on out...6 weeks baby!

I did manage to come down with the lower calories once RC and I swapped my carbs BACK to what they were from the 40p/40c Christie had wanted me on. After this training day on Wednesday - I had a tough time recovering. Needed energy to come back up so had a SMALL (and homemade I might add) cheat meal of a ~5oz burger (93/7 ground beef) on a 100cal Sandwich Round and a small serving (relative to a restaurant) of steak fries and gained back 2 of the 3 pounds I'd lost. Feeling gross and bloaty but resigned - can't fix it, it is what it is. I'm functional again, which was the point.

Right now I'm trying to just relax a bit. I have a lot of stuff to continue to review for ShopNBC, but I need to just BE for a few. I have a kitty on my lap, I'm all packed and the house is finally clean (cleaning rampage this weekend) ... maybe some yoga to try to center...

Catching Up

2010-09-19T14:49:00.000-04:00

I do hope that I can get back to this more than once a week at some point soon!

Wanted to hop in and catch up, lots going on these days...

Between trying to get Bloom Fitness up and running, training, and my regular day job - I've been burning the candle, as they say...

Training updates: new bench PR, solid paused rep (twice!) at 122lbs! I think that was Wednesday. Friday I had a *terrible* workout, i was exhausted and I had just nothing to give.

I have this TV thing coming up in 10 days - I tried to just trust and go with it and keep things as Christie asked me too, but I was not.losing and I have to for this. It's my job, and not only that but for ME to feel confident up there, I need to be comfortable in my skin. So I felt like I had no choice...consulted with RC on Tuesday and we changed things up a bit. I had been hitting 1500-1550/day with a ratio of about 40/40/20 but it had my carbs up way high..higher than I was comfortable with to begin with, but I was trying to trust that it would be ok. Basically took my carbs and my protein and swapped 'em (not quite), and carbs are down to about 140g/day instead of the 170 where they were (!!). Protein came up a bit and calories dropped by a total of only about 50/day. So since Tuesday I'm down 2 pounds after an initial loss, 3 day stall, and finally a loss this morning.

I'd like to hit it closer to 140 (who am I kidding - ideal would be 137ish), but...with my time frame that's not going to happen. I noticed the hit to energy immediately and in a big way, buuuut...for now I'm just pushing through. 10 more days, I can do it.

Relatedly - wednesday's workout this coming week should be interesting. It's the "Skills Evaluation" for this new training program I've been following, we'll see how much my strength is affected with this deficit I guess. This isn't ideal, but I shouldn't have gained so much to begin with. The plan now is to get down and STAY down (as if that hasn't been the plan all along) - so done done done with these wild swings. Once I get under that 140 that's IT - seriously. It won't go like this ever again, trust, no trust - whatever. I just can't.

Also on that note, I AM proud of me today because I am taking an off day. Given how fatigued I was on Friday and yesterday, even though part of me wanted to say "suck it up, there's wt to lose before 9/29!" I have, so far, abstained from exercise. I MAY hit up some yoga later, but just for restorative purposes (shoulders, hips especially).

Friday's Training

2010-09-12T09:46:00.002-04:00

OMG - it was amazing :) I hadn't had a workout like that in a long time, major pump action and I felt crazy strong!

I guess it's all working, although how much is the straight program I've been given vs the program + me doing some of my own thing....eh :)

I apologize for the sideways vids, I didn't have the software to flip 'em when I uploaded them.

The workout as was written, plus the stuff I added in bold:

Bench (all paused reps)
4 x 55
4 x 66
2 x 3 @ 77
3 x 3 @ 88
1 x 115

1 x 120

(don't know what the crazy head thing is, won't do it again!)
But umm....YEAH! Take that f'ing 110 (recall: the bench bomb-out)

Squat
4 x 95
4 x 114
4 x 133
3 x 4 @ 143
8 x 160

Bench (all paused reps)
4 x 61
4 x 72
4 x 4 @ 77
1 x 110:

Hah!

BB Incline Press
(this was written as DB Incline Press)
4 x 8 @ 80

BB Plie Squats
2x15 @ 75

Good Mornings
3 x 5 @ 80

Cable Crunches
2 x 15 @ 140

500 Jumps (jump rope, about 9 mins)

There's NO REASON I can't hit these in a meet, I don't do NEAR this amount of lifting/warm-ups before hitting bench, and I still hit the 110 after way more squatting (in this workout) than I would ever do in a meet. Granted - it wasn't a maximal squat, but...

This week marks the beginning of Wk 8 of my 12wk program. Meet is November 6/7...can only get better from here, right?! I'm bringin the power!

Busy...

2010-09-09T20:43:00.000-04:00

I'm so slacking here and I'm feeling like a total slacker not keeping up but...really it's just been a whirlwind few weeks!

My training continues, that is still on track. It's just been the time to get here and write it up, upload the videos, etc...not so much of that has been happening. I'd like to say that I'm making progress, and in some ways I think i very much am, but in other ways - I just plain don't know.

I emailed Dave last week (I think? Right now it all runs together) and asked how we measure progress with this training approach - how do we know it's working? No real answer...which of course makes me rather nervous. What I have found is that I don't feel this is a very balanced program, and so I've adapted it a little to better suit my needs. I understand the concept of training specificity, but I do believe there's a time and a place to for accessory/assistance work. I also strongly believe that no one program is a one-size-fits-all program, and some adaptation is necessary. I guess I was hoping that he would help me with that, but...

The bank/mortgage fiasco continues. Last week I made an attempt to get help from NACA and that totally failed for reasons that I really can't even get into without completely losing my mind and inciting myself into a bit of a rage ;)

Work is crazy busy and with this big event coming up at the end of September I do feel like it's time to kick up the wt loss...I've been trying to stay centered and calm about it but the time is ticking away now and I've made no progress since my initial loss from dropping the cals. Which...I dunno..that drop was probably solely related to stress relief not so much the calories and well..maybe that's why now I'm not losing. But at this point, I've got not even quite 3 weeks, I'd like at least 5 to go and ideally like 8 to 10 but I know that's not realistic :( So tired of this :( I've not dropped calories further from where I did a few weeks ago, and I have finally worked the macros over to those that Christie suggested (40/40/20) - so I AM learning that my body can trust the carbs (cuz holy cow I don't remember the last time i was on like 170-175g!). It still all takes constant thought and intention...if I don't plan and plan and plan and keep it at the forefront of my mind, my cals (carbs specifically) drop.

Had a conversation with my counselor (the other one, not Christie) yesterday about what defines "recovery." She says it's not that these thoughts will ever really fully go away, but they become less intense, and they don't determine my behavior and drive my choices.

Ok then.

Otherwise, things are going along. I'm slightly sleepless again these days, but doing pretty well with that.

I may have some news to share in the next week or so :) Well I will have news, the maybe part is when I can share it :)

Yay My Bits Work ;)

2010-08-29T21:29:00.000-04:00

Met with Christie yesterday and she was pleased with my choices this past week, and the observations I made about my hunger, satiety, energy, and fatigue. We spoke about options...whether I keep things as is or increase back up...

I asked if she thought there was any risk to me keeping things where they are while I'm trying to learn to better identify and listen to these cues. It's harder for me to identify them (either positively or negatively) at the higher level, and she thought as long as I actually RESPONDED to fatigue and hunger then it'd be ok.

She does still want me to try to vary my meals a little more, we talked about bringing at least one alternative meal component each day (a wrap versus brown rice, for instance). I can do that...

So....yup. Ok. I can do this.

Yesterday was squat and bench day - squats were faaaaabulous and I'm really happy with how things are progressing there. I ended my workout with one big set, 135 x 14 :) I had a few more in me I think...a big change for me...I'm actually starting to *like* squats!

This morning it was Best Body Boot Camp (Advanced Camp). Much fun :) My weight has remained the same since Wednesday until today, I bumped up a half pound, but I'm ok with that since I woke up with my period this morning. Which is sweet! Not normally something I'm super psyched about (heh) but...last time it took 7 weeks, this time 5.5 weeks...maybe I'm on my way to a more normal cycle and maybe that means all my girly bits work!

Tomorrow is another squat/bench/squat day...hope the quads are feeling a little more recovered than they are today :)

Wednesday night I've got a massage and Thursday a good friend of mine from college that I haven't seen in like...well it's been so long we can't quite tell but...a LONG time, is coming to visit through Sunday. We're gonna hit up Lion Country Safari on Friday (cuz I took a day *off* SUPAH DUPAH long weekend!) and then get some snorkeling action in on Saturday. I'm really looking forward to seeing him, I think we're gonna have a blast :)

And with that...it's pumpkin time...headed to bed.

Wow...6 Days?

2010-08-27T21:09:00.000-04:00

I don't think I've ever gone this long without a post, but things have been hectic and I needed some room to breathe and time to collect and plan. I still need that, but it's time to resurface...

Last week I mentioned dropping my calories and the whole to-do around that. The weight started coming off immediately...was it stress or the calories? Hard to tell. Probably a combination of both. Friday I was 149.4 and by Wednesday I was down to 144.2. I actually took a rest day on Wednesday - I just did about 45 mins of light yoga.

Training on Thursday....deadlifts. Yum!
Started with Rack Pulls, then on to Bench, and then some Deads.

I REALLY needed that sort of totally aggressive physical/mental release of RAWRRRRR yesterday so when I was done with my training workout, I did

255 x 10:

Not technically a PR (best was 11 while doing 5-3-1 program ). However, that was after doing only 2 sets of 5. This was after all those rack pulls, alll that benching and db pressing, and then after the regular deadlifts. I say, crazy PR! ;)

My current program doesn't appear to go higher than 6 reps for any set, and most are around 2-4. Just LOTS of sets. It's also fairly light weight, I think I max at 85% and it never gets heavier. I dunno...I just REALLY needed that, it felt incredible. A great release.

But it wasted me. Wednesday night I had actually started to feel a little tired and a little hungry, but I didn't listen to it then. I still had an amazing workout on Thursday, but really by 9am I was ready to fall over.

I thought, "ok...I need to EAT." I decided I'd go out for dinner later..maybe a steak, or nice burger with fries...Nothing too crazy, but something with more calories than I would normally consume. I knew I *needed* it.

Iactually didn't even make it to last night, I went out at lunch with a coworker and had a cheeseburger (bun and all!) and some steak fries. I felt SO MUCH BETTER after that meal, Raphael commented that my color had returned (I didn't realize it was quite that bad), I could think and focus again, and I slept like a baby last night. I also wasn't stuffed from the meal nor did I feel that gross "insta-bloat" feeling, and I still felt hunger later in the day so my snacks and later meals remained the same (in the past I'd probably have skipped them). I also slept very well last night. And felt guilt free, there were no nasty words from that voice.

I hope with time that I'll be able to identify those signals (and trust them) a little sooner than I was able to this time, but that felt like a big step in the right direction. This morning my weight was the same as yesterday, which just reinforced the goodness.

*deep breath*

I can do this.

I still have some hormone issues to figure out...the Dr isn't on the agenda yet. Christie thinks (and I agree) that it will work itself out as i get this eating thing under control.

A ways to go, but getting there :)

I rested again today, just needed a little more...no cardio, no yoga, nada.
Should make for a strong squat day tomorrow :)

August 21

2010-08-21T22:22:00.000-04:00

So Coco asked me an interesting question - if lowering my calories doesn't result in the weight loss because it's a result of stress not over consumption...what will I do?

Well the answer is really that I don't know what I'll do if it doesn't help. But just feeling like I'm doing everything I can to take care of it already has me feeling ever so slightly less stressed. Maybe that's bad, a sign of just how "distorted" my thinking is, how off my beliefs about myself are. I feel like I have to apologize for it or something, but it is what it is and it's important to me for a variety of reasons right now. I'm not doing it in secret or unsupervised, I emailed Christie and she replied to go ahead and give it a try but suggested a slight tweak to my macros (closer to 40/40/20 instead of my 45/35/20). I guess ultimately if it doesn't help (and probably even if it does), I'll have to see a Dr. to consider adrenal fatigue as Karen suggested, or at the very least to get my girly hormones sorted out.

Today we took one tiny step *away* from the 150, and the spasming in my back has been significantly less. I took other steps today - started looking ahead to what I want to do next, the ever popular "where do you see yourself in 5 years?" question. Tough to imagine since I have this house I'm stuck with, but I'm not sweating the details at this point. Can't, or I'll just be paralyzed in the "what ifs."

Hopefully the back will remain calm tonight, and another good night's sleep will bring with it a little less stress in the morning.

Hiding

2010-08-20T19:11:00.000-04:00

I've been hiding a bit. I have nothing good to say, I don't feel enlightened, I don't feel good, I feel a little ashamed and a little angry.

I saw Christie on Wednesday, I had called to move my standing appointment sooner because my weight was just skyrocketing and I thought for sure I must be eating too much. I admitted to not taking a full day off in near 3 weeks out of fear...She calmed me a bit, but said that a reduction in calories was absolutely not warranted, that it was my stress level causing "this." Work, the bank, the weight itself...she cited the muscle spasms I've been having in my back as a good indication that it is stress, that my body is so guarded, preparing for war, that it's holding on to absolutely everything, holding tight.

I wanted to believe her.

I left with an assignment to take yesterday (thursday) off - no training, no cardio. Instructions to monitor my stress level before/after workouts, and workout only if something other than the number was driving my motivation. Also she wanted me to incorporate more yoga, and if I wanted - yoga on an off day would be ok. I wanted what she said to be true.

I took yesterday off, since I said that I would. I did do about 20 minutes of gentle yoga last night, in an attempt to soothe the back.

This morning I woke up at 149.2 pounds, up TWO POINT TWO pounds from that day off, thankyouverymuch.

I can't do this. I sent Christie this email earlier this evening:

I can't be here, I can't - this isn't right! SOMETHING is wrong. This is why I can't take a day off. I wanted to trust but after that...something isn't right :( I dropped my cals today by 250, I can't keep this up - I can't.

1550 cals
180g protein (45%)
135g carbs (35%)
31g fat (20%)

Maybe I'm not ready for this...it's hard for me to understand why it's not ok for me to want to feel my best and be at a weight that I am comfortable at if that is not an unhealthy or unreasonable place. I'm sorry I can't be happy with me like this, I just can't, this isn't where I feel good, it's not how I move best - it's not even helping me lift more - I get nothing from this except bloated ankles and marks from my too tight pants and bra around my waist and chest :(

I have to fix this. No w/o vids, I can't even look at them.
But they're done.

I was off from work today (soooo very needed) and had a massage. Filled an Rx I got for the knee that I never took today, got it for the back spasms that have been keeping me up all night. Hopefully that will help. Hopefully the massage helped. I also got some biofreeze. And lots of icing. I'm not injured, because after all of these things (ice, rest, massage) the pain goes away completely. It's totally stress induced and I can feel it tighten as the day goes on. The more I tense the more it contracts and the more tense I get, etc...vicious cycle. Hopefully the Rx will interrupt that cycle and I can get some relief. And much needed sleep.

Where I Am Right Now

2010-08-16T21:01:00.003-04:00

A number of things are going on right now that are kind of big and scary and that in order for me to successfully navigate, I need to continually bring myself back to the right here, right now.

You all know what's up with me personally, and that continues. I called Christie this morning and asked her for an earlier appointment if possible (I don't see her until Saturday), but she is booked up. She reminded me early this morning to try to just stay focused on NOW. It was good timing.

This is a big week for us at work, our new commercial is going out to the stations and should be hitting the airwaves very soon. Peek:

We *finally* made the announcement of our partnership with the Biggest Loser (we filmed that commercial when we were in Portland as well but it's had to be on the down low until today).

But, even with all that good, there were casualties. We took a big loss today, we were surprised by a round of layoffs. I'm not going to elaborate beyond that, but...it was a *very* difficult day. And I'm fine, I survived (as did most anyone you are wondering about if you are reading this), but...

So where am I right now? I'm on my sofa with my beautiful Ms. Lily snuggled up by me:

From Blogger Pictures

Lots of love and support from all of my family and amazing circle of friends, safe with a job that (despite the stress) I do love, in a home that (despite the stress with the bank) I also love...

I am O.K. right this very moment. Very capable and aware. Tired, a little angry, very sad, kind of frustrated, a little anxious...but really...safe and OK.

Christie didn't have any earlier appointments for me but she will call me if something opens. I had an amazing workout this morning and I know I am getting stronger and improving my technique. I have a world of opportunity waiting to be explored.

I'm on the right path, even when I get confused and think I'm not.

Everything I Eat Turns to Health, Beauty, and Love

2010-08-15T11:10:00.000-04:00

Last week Christie asked me to start trying to say some affirmations when it was time to eat. She said I don't have to believe them, just say them out loud. She gave me a list of some to choose from, wanting me to find one I really felt and connected with. I did use them, but none of them felt good to me. Yesterday searching the web I found this one, "Everything I eat turns to health, beauty and love." For whatever reason, that one made the connection, so I'm claiming it as my own. And I think I'd like to modify it to include "strength..."

Everything I eat turns to health, beauty, strength, and love.

I don't believe it, and as a matter of fact as I say it outloud, the little voice inside my head continues on with "actually, it turns to fat and hate." But I've been saying it anyway, and trying to set the voice to the side.

The truth is I am completely out of control and I don't know why. I'm really warring with myself and I don't know how to stop it. I can't "let go" when every day the weight goes up up up. Here it is ready? Today I was 147.2 pounds. I was 138 when I came home from the commercial shoot at the beginning of July. What IS this? Everything I eat DOES turn to fat, excess unused energy getting stored away? Am I doing anything differently than I was before my last meet, after my last meet? NO..my training is a little different but WHAT THE FUCK, am I allowed to say that? WHAT THE FUCK, I feel punished. Not working hard enough? What is wrong with me? I mean seriously am I eating in my sleep? Yeah I'm ANGRY, I feel betrayed, I feel like all this is doing is reinforcing WHY I CAN'T LET GO, ever. And what makes is worse is that I haven't actually let go. I'm NOT going out to eat, I'm NOT eating crap, I'm NOT eating more or less than I should be (well apparently I am) ...

I sent Christie an email this morning, I feel desperately out of control. I can't let this keep going, I can't let it get any worse. I just asked her to please help me stop this, if we could get together sooner than next Saturday and review what I need to be eating.

So far today, I don't know what the "right thing" is, everything inside of me says STOP EATING but everything I know says KEEP EATING and I'm so tired of it. I am "just eating," saying my little affirmation in tears and just DOING it. I'm not really sure that's particularly the "right way" either.

I did overkill the workout this morning, probably. I used my new jump rope for about 15 minutes, ran for 35, jump roped another 5, and then did my new Rodney Yee "Yoga Burn" DVD that was 55 minutes. The Yoga DVD helped calm me down some...

Friday's workout was bench/squat/bench. It took a full 2 hours so once again I did not have time to fit my cardio in at the end. I was definitely fatigued and it was a real push to get through the workout. Despite that, even after all that benching, I was able to increase the weight from 35 to 40lb dumbbells for the finishing sets (4 sets of 8) of incline db presses. That was a HUGE score. I'll work on pausing those now.

Tomorrow I've got squat/bench/squat on tap.

For the rest of today I am going to focus on NOT panicking and on my newly adopted affirmation, whether I believe it or not. And I am reminding myself of why this journey started...

“It is by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life. Where you stumble, there lies your treasure.” - Joseph Campbell

Well I'm STILL down in there, but I'm coming up, and I'm coming up with my treasure...true happiness.

Everything I eat turns to health, beauty, strength, and love.

Taking Back Some Power

2010-08-09T21:02:00.001-04:00

One of the things that my little "episode" this weekend helped me to see even more clearly than before is my need to feel in control. I don't like to feel powerless (not that anyone does but...); I get restless, I feel caged or trapped, panicky.

Earlier in the week last week I received a FedEx from Bank of America. This is part of an ongoing battle we've been engaged in for months, trying to go through the Home Affordable Modification Program with Bank of America. The letter within the FedEx threatened that I could "lose my eligibility" for not having returned requested required documents.

That I returned.

In February.

I cannot tell you how in that instant I felt completely powerless. I have been at this with them for months, at their mercy, as there is no other bank that will touch my mortgage for a refinance with a 10ft pole. I'm nearly 200% upside down, for starters. Roadblocks at every turn..it's ANOTHER battle, day in and day out with them.

Today I sent this email to one of their associates who had been trying to help me navigate the process. It details the steps I took on Friday to try to take some power back from them...

On Friday I sent a letter to Bank of America CEO Brian Moynihan (I know, fat chance he’ll see it but it made me feel better) detailing the timeline that has taken me to this point. I also included a copy of the package of information that was requested and returned to BoA in February (the same packet you have), annotated to note where all of the documents were originally included that were highlighted and deemed “missing” by the latest letter I received last week, despite numerous reassurances that all documentation had been received and was complete.

I sent the same package and copy of the letter to Brian Moynihan, along with an additional cover letter asking for any assistance or intervention on my behalf and on behalf of EVERYONE, for some oversight or SOMETHING – to my Florida (D) Senator Bill Nelson.

Finally, I contacted an Evening News producer and I will be speaking with CBS Miami for an interview tomorrow (Tuesday) afternoon about this entire situation. They will be doing an “investigative report” type story.

This has been *17 months* in the making. As such, you can imagine that I am outraged, disgusted, and beyond frustrated with all of this. It is a process with no “process” in place, not one department knows what another is doing, misinformation abounds, documents are lost, all the while people are losing their homes or quite simply walking away out of frustration when, moral obligation aside - it makes NO economic sense to continue to stay. I will not just sit here and be threatened (“…at risk of losing your eligibility because you have not returned the following documents…”) or made to feel powerless over this situation one minute longer.

I may not get anywhere with this, but at least I’ll know that I’ve stood up for myself, and anyone else who’s at their wits end because of this ridiculous process. MY money, YOUR money, and everyone else’s money went into BoA for a bail out, I’ve played and asked nicely for a little help in return, and I’m getting roadblocks at every turn. I’m done playing nice, I’m done playing patient, and I’m done banging my head against the wall. At this point, I want an answer – yes or no.

I very much appreciate the help you’ve provided me so far, but I think you’ll agree that this has really gone on long enough. Thank you again for your help and understanding,

Cathy

Getting all that stuff out and dealt with on Friday was certainly a huge help, but I needed more of a control fix, so Saturday - well..I set out to control the thing that I could the easiest and fastest...control fix = ahhhhhh. It quieted all the chatter in my head, at least temporarily.

In other news: My lil' Sweetpea is high.as.a.kite! right now on catnip ;)

In OTHER other news, my training today was faaaabulous. I'm exhausted, but it went really well. Myles will probably tell me differently, but watching my form on some of these sets, I feel like I'm still making some really good progress :)

Here's one for your viewing pleasure ;) The last of a bajillion total sets!
133 x 4

Gave In...

2010-08-07T18:15:00.000-04:00

I gave in today, in a big way. I've knocked so far at least 300 calories out of my day and I did double workouts...once this morning at the gym, and just a little while ago I completed Ultimate Victory workout on my Boot Camp DVD. Physically it feels good. I feel like I did "enough" and now everything will be ok. Emotionally it feels good too...like "ahhh ok we're back in control now...we can fix this." Intellectually - I know I've given in and I know that at least on paper, it's not in my best interest.

I've been fighting this all week, really feeling completely out of control. My weight has been making me feel like I've completely lost control when it's been up for no reason that I can identify and feeling so FAT. And TRYING to be ok with it, TRYING to at last fake it through by writing those little notes and sending them back to myself, staying off the scale (even if only twice)... but it's soooo hard when I feel so uncomfortable in my skin...with my clothes being tight and feeling self-conscious like EVERYONE can see it, my weight belt...blah blah. Maybe it was work and the bank stress just pushed me over...maybe I just needed the fix :(

I know I have a problem, and my comfort is restricting. Or working out too much. Or both. Just like anyone else who eats emotionally, or drinks or uses drugs. I see that now. Christie told me today (yup, I saw her TODAY and still here I am..) that if I *did* give in, that I would probably try to convince myself that I didn't care...and I am doing just that, it feels honestly so good that I want to say I quit, I don't wanna do this anymore. That's supposed to be bad right? But it feels *good* I know how twisted that must sound. The voice is trying to soothe me too..."it's going to be ok, when we get this extra weight off it will be ok." And I know that's not true but jeez wouldn't it just be a little easier? This is so-freaking-hard. I thought I battled with myself before but this week has been so much...I'm so tired.

Feeling pretty much like a huge disaster right about now, completely in pieces and I know it was my choices today that got me here. Christie recommended today that I add a regular counselor in to my treatment, and she gave me 4 or 5 names to look into.

I don't know what this is, confession session? I just needed to get it out...there's not a lot to say I guess.

August 4 Training

2010-08-04T21:41:00.001-04:00

Maybe part of what I'm feeling is also exhaustion. My workout this morning wiped me out long before I even got to work.

Today was deads/bench/deads day.

The first group of deads were "halting" deads, or deadlifts to knees.
Basically you perform the first part of the lift and lift from the floor to the knees, pause (x 3 seconds), and then complete the lift.

Here's my last set of those:

I can't even tell you what a special kind of hell those are. The weight is relatively light, and they still totally wasted me. Many, sets of those, then bench, and then back to regular deads.

After my 2nd to last set of deads, I was unsure I'd even get through the last one. The weight was a little heavier than the last set of halting deads, but still, relative to the way I had been training, very light, and it about killed me.

Form was definitely suffering by then. Kept my back tight, solid arch, but my hips come up way high before the bar even begins to move, not sure what was going on there but I'm quite sure fatigue played a role in it.

Friday is squat/bench/squat and pretty high volume. I'm off on Friday but after I train I have to go sit for CPR recertification (for PT cert that is on the verge of expiring). If i"m not feeling recovered I'll have to move that to Saturday I think..we'll see how I'm feeling.

It's not all Roses and Lollipops

2010-08-04T20:58:00.004-04:00

I'm not feeling ME - I'm going through motions because I've been told to because it's "the right thing" for me to do. I've been 100% on board with the "fake it till you make it" train and I don't feel closer to believing that I can DO this.

I'm feeling completely out of control, I want to give in and get that control back. I haven't logged food in weeks, I'm eating the "required" added cheese, apple, and milk, but I don't want to - I'm doing it because I'm supposed to. I physically feel enormous, I want it to go, I want to cut my calories but I'm not because I'm not supposed to. I didn't weigh today, yes it was a choice, but it wasn't a choice I wanted for myself - I did it because I'm supposed to try.

The weight, I can't explain it. I don't know the WHY behind it. No I'm not logging my food, but I know approximately where I am (calories consumed, rough ratios) and I know what I'm doing for workouts and yet here I am clearly gaining. *SEVEN* pounds in one month?! Are you kidding me? How can I trust this?! My clothes are tight, I feel bloated, I feel LOST.

I've been posting OperationBeautiful.Com post it notes all week, they feel really good to leave, to hopefully bring a smile to someone else. But I don't believe them for me.

I feel shame, and anger and fear. I'm ashamed of myself for feeling this way, I'm ANGRY at something but I haven't figured out what...and well we know what the great fear is. And it's here.

I know that I want to be loved unconditionally and separate from my body, but I'm apparently unwilling to do that for myself. But I don't know how when I'm *so uncomfortable* in it...when my clothes are tight or pull or plain don't fit. When my belly gets bloated and pushes out and rubs the inside of my shirt. When my weight belt won't fit on the notch it normally fits on. When my sexy red dress isn't sexy anymore.

When does this get easier? Is there really a "natural weight?" What if mine is really high? What if I really can't trust me? What if right now what feels good and safe and right is the the very thing that I asked for help to stop?

Saturday I see Christie, and right now I'm angry at me for feeling like I NEED that. Weak. Part of me (I think we know which part) wants me to keep on so I can prove that I can't do this...it goes something like, "See? I told you it wouldn't work, now let ME back in control and we'll fix it all up and make it better." I hear that voice, it's loud and clear. Right now I'm just going to keep on doing what I'm supposed to. I'm gonna sit here and feel all of this shit for what it is and just keep doing what I'm doing, because I'm supposed to.

This is hard.

Haaaaa-uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge!

2010-08-02T21:12:00.001-04:00

I did it! Hah! Me! I voluntarily (that is *by*choice*) stayed OFF my scale today for the ENTIRE DAY. #1DAYNOSCALE

I honestly do not believe there has been a day in the past 10 years that I have not weighed myself unless it was by force (no scale available). Not a single day.

And this morning, despite the trepidation, despite wanting to cry and throw and tantrum and say "I can do it if I WANT to," I talked myself through it. And when I finally convinced myself that I could step AWAY from the scale, I quickly got dressed and ATE something (pre-gym breakfast) so as to completely ruin any chances of having a change of heart and running back upstairs, stripping down and jumping on ;)

Self-thwarted-self!

That's not to say that I haven't otherwise been freaking about it all day, but I'm dealing, I'm still here, I didn't MELT and I'm pretty sure I didn't gain 12lbs when I wasn't looking.

Tomorrow will be another day, no promises now of what tomorrow will bring. But I do know that today I did it, so I do know that I can choose to do it again.

And now for something completely different!

Training today went squat/bench/squat. Lots of squat. Lots of bench too, who am I kidding. A bajillion paused reps followed by 4 sets of 8 db incline press (also paused, gah) and my pecs are uhhhhh..let's just say *feeling*it*

Legs are too, and really I need to get my ass off the computer and right onto the foam roller, if there's any hope of movement tomorrow :)

And now for your viewing pleasure...

Last Bench - really focusing on form here, trying to keep elbows in, touch lower and keep the arch solid.

Today

2010-07-31T12:30:00.004-04:00

Training this week has gone well. Wednesday was a tough day, I was low on energy and it showed in my workout, but I got through it fine and was much better recovered for yesterdays bench/squat workout. Looking forward to some more...hopefully back to some more vids next week, I left my camera at work this week.

Otherwise, I'm focusing very inward today, no distractions. This is so much easier to do at home than during the week at work. Hoping the more I practice at home, the easier it gets away.

The intention today is to do only what my body asks as far as food, movement, rest, etc. No auto-pilot, no just doing because that's what I always do. Instead, just listening and responding. This morning it was "run," so I went out for a run. It was slow and steady, and a few years ago I would have called it a terrible run, but this morning I saw my feet moving beneath me and listened to the pace of my breath and how my knee didn't speak a peep...it was a great run and it felt fantastic.

If later it says, "nap," then I'll nap. Eat peanut brittle? Well no second guessing...eat peanut brittle. Eat when hungry, not because the clock says it's time to eat. I'm hoping this will make it easier for me to trust tomorrow and stay off the scale...more connection = more trust = less fear? That's the hope and the intention.

I haven't spoken much of it here, but I'm back on our Meal Delivery program for a few weeks. Not following it specifically, but to try all of the meals since so many are new to me. To be honest at first I freaked, it's more carbs than I'm comfortable with, and waayyy less protein(read: not enough for powerlifting), and I think higher in fat (but, if we're being real - almost ANY diet is higher in fat than what I "normally" eat). It's a solid diet plan for weight loss (as Brooke on a Diet can attest :), overall very well balanced and healthy. It's just *different* from how I eat, which as we know equals scary. But I'm trying to view it as an opportunity to trust more, try new things, and learn from it. I won't eat it straight through (3 meals + snack every day), but I will have at least one or two meals from it each day, and then supplement with enough protein to be sufficient for my needs.

Just now I had the Pancakes with Pineapple-Almond Cream Cheese breakfast and it was really really tasty. I cooked up 2 egg-whites to accompany it for some extra protein, and I feel fully satisfied, and not bloaty from the pancakes/pineapple, and ate something that's normally on the no-no list for me.

Good day :)

I'm sending shout-out vibes to one Mr. RC who's out on stage right now totally lighting it up, ferocious, with everything he's got :)

And that is where I'm at today. I feel peaceful. Stumbled on this yesterday and feel it's appropriate here today:

To use fear as the friend it is, we must retrain and reprogram ourselves...We must persistently and convincingly tell ourselves that the fear is here -- with its gift of energy and heightened awareness -- so we can do our best and learn the most in the new situation. - Peter McWilliams

Update: Body asked for "red meat" so I responded with a burger (on a toasted sandwich round), accompanied by a small glass of red wine (faaantastic), and a tomato/cucumber salad I made earlier. Yum. I'm proud of me :) I feel successful in this day of "being a human being, not a human doer." (from Christie)

From Blogger Pictures

Someone's Getting Worried

2010-07-28T18:50:00.000-04:00

I'm taking it as a sign of growth, that the past few days that the brain has been objecting loudly to EVERYTHING. Telling me I can't do this, it's too hard, it was easier the old way...the one that comes up a lot is, "you felt in control the old way"

HAH That's the dead giveaway right there. I realized that was not ME talking today when I read Calorie Restriction as Emotional Distraction by @MisheMarie.

That was WtLoss Cathy talking I guess...she feels very out of control right now. And she should, because I'm doing things differently than she'd like. I'm pushing through the fear and trying to just LIVE with it, until my body and I learn to trust again..until we get better aquainted. Every day that I get on that scale (still failing #30daynoscale challenge) and it says a number that I LOATHE and that I FEAR, and I continue to choose to eat right (not restrict) and rest (if I need it), or workout (not excessively) then I am taking a step closer to being totally front and center and SHE will be totally out of control.

Yesterday that meant going for a quick walk in the middle of the day to shake off my coworker's comments. Last night that meant just giving up on #fitblog and going to bed, because the noise in my head was too loud, because brain & wt loss Cathy were trying to gang up on me and convince me I'm weak, that I can't do this, and that I can't handle it..."you know all this stuff you're feeling right now? all this shame? All this fear? All this anxiety? It will *totally* go away if you just..." (insert: go do some more cardio, cut that apple out of your diet, banana AND milk in that post workout shake, really??)

I know I'm still going to win this...I just needed to say this out loud - this is really hard and scary.

Unrelatedly - today's last sets:

Sumos - 233 x 3

Bench - 77 x 4 (all paused)

Rack Pulls - 248 x 4

And now...I'm pooped. I think I've got to readjust to these kinds of workouts...even though this stuff isn't super heavy, it's just really heavy volume (which I love).

Dinner, then early to bed again, me thinks.

Are You Gonna EAT That?!

2010-07-27T20:29:00.001-04:00

I really need to be more creative with blog entry titles...I suck at them. AAhhh well.

Anyway, yesterday was the first day of the 30 Day No Scale Challenge and...*drum roll* I weighed myself. Today was Day 2 and...I did it again. I know I'll get this...just off to a slow start. I know WHEN the day comes that I skip it's going to feel like a huge win. I KNOW it's coming.

Also yesterday was the first day back to PL training, and I think it went rather well! I sent video of my last sets to Dave as requested, and hahah...so he writes me back and says all bench reps are paused! HAH! Whoooole different ball game now, friends! To tell the truth I was worried about the bench portion...while the volume looks considerable (bench every day I train, and some days TWICE), it was all light weight. But this changes it considerably...no worries now, that's gonna kick my ass ;)

This morning I got up thinking it was a cardio day. I had some coffee before leaving (I was fully dressed in workout gear, shoes on..ready to go) but sat for my coffee and pre-workout meal and suddenly really FELT my body and it said (yay! it really did tell me!), "is 30 minutes of cardio really going to change your life today? when was the last time you took a day off?" (Week ago, Tues) I did argue with myself - there was some name calling and some scale panicking, but I chose to hear it and set it aside, I let ME win this morning *smile* And I went back to bed for an hour and a half :) When I got back in bed I was awake for a while and I felt everything loosen after a few minutes, I think it was when I finally won the argument..I literally sank into the bed then. It was a nice sensation to realize.

Later this afternoon though, I had a few white knuckle moments. I had an encounter with a person who, as I was about to embark on a meal, said something to me that sent me spinning. Now...I KNOW this was said in jest and with a light heart, but it hit me all wrong given the circumstances of today (weighed myself & hated it, skipped cardio, keeping calories UP...all behaviors taking considerable effort and intention). He said, "Now CAAAAATHYYYYY, we can't have you *gaining!"

Ouch.

I heard, "Are you gonna EAT that? Are you sure? You didn't do cardio this morning! And you were already unhappy with the number on the scale...if you eat that it's just going to make it worse, and don't even THINK you're not getting on the scale tomorrow...you know better..Aren't you fat enough?"

A little tiny crack in the armor. I instantly felt...seized. I felt like a grip took hold in that little divide that hasn't finished healing and just started pulling apart, trying to drive a wedge in there and force the separation again. I spoke with Honu on IM just after it happened, she helped me to (quite literally) pull myself back together and recenter. Deep breaths, a quick walk...

Even still now, the voice is still pushing and pulling and trying..."you should have done your cardio, you should have at least not eaten so much!" And on and on.

On my drive home I talked to my mom about it. I did tell my mom that I was getting help with this issue...we talked about it a while back and she said she was glad to hear it, that she had been worried for a while, and she was fully supportive. Beyond that, for the most part I don't talk to my mom about it. Occasionally she asks if I think it's "working," and I tell her yes. But today I needed to talk about it...so I confided this whole scenario in mom. She either really didn't get it, or was ridiculously uncomfortable with me talking to her about it (or maybe some of both). Which made me uncomfortable, and I felt slightly ashamed. Those are my own feelings to own, but...she put her time into the conversation and then moved RIGHT on out of it. Sort of like "oh really? I'm sorry...so tonight for dinner we're having corn on the cob" Ugh. I didn't mean to make HER uncomfortable.

So for now I'm continuing to practice. I'm hearing, and setting to the side. I'm stronger than youuuuu, brainthatmakesstuffup. Starting to quiet brainthatmakesstuffup.

Tomorrow is deadlifts and bench, plus some cardio. We love deadlift day. I also get another chance to decide whether I will weigh myself in the AM, or not. Another chance for big wins all the way around. Another chance to make it a great day.

It's a Major Award!

2010-07-26T20:52:00.000-04:00

Tee-hee...from one of my fave movies, A Christmas Story :)

Alan (@Sweating_It_Off) from over at Sweating Until Happy nominated me for the Versatile Blogger Award :) A badge I will proudly display, how exciting and wonderful!

There are rules that come with the award, so here goes:

1. Thank the person who gave you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Nominate 15 newly discovered blogs.
4. Let your nominees know about the award.

Seven things! I assume they have to be new things ;)
1. I've lived in 9 states! That's (almost) an average of a new state every 4 years! If only it was that infrequent...;)

2. I was on swim team from the age of 6 to 15. I had to stop with it when I moved to NH in the middle of my freshman year in highs chool, right when I was starting to get my swim groove on.

3. I am divorced, but I always answer the "Marital Status" question as "Single" Really it's the same thing, IMO ;) (Note: in real life on dates I tell them divorced, no hate mail please!)

4. I have a freakish fondness for peanut butter and cool whip (not together ;).

5. I kinda *like* Barry Manilow, thankyouverymuch!

6. Despite sometimes feeling completely overwhelmed, conflicted, full of anxiety, and ashamed, I'm really glad that I'm working on fixing this disordered eating thing, and I'm thankful for all of you who've encouraged and helped me all along (even before I was ready to hear it).

7. I check my horoscope daily :)

New Blogs I've Found Totally Needing Some Checkin!

1. Clarity in Creation
2. Medicinal Marzipan
3. Live Your Ideal Life/Your Kick-Ass Life
4. Workout Nirvana
5. Don't Be Afraid of Your Freedom

6. Brooke On a Diet
7. Before & After: A Real Life Story
8. Voice in Recovery

9. The Jen West Quest
10. Katy Widrick

Thank you Al! :)

The Concept of Choice

2010-07-25T21:23:00.000-04:00

Sooooo excited to get back to (or "restart" may be the more appropriate word) training for my next meet. I've got a lot of work to do, gotta redeem myself after that last performance!

The knee felt great today after yesterday..I'm not even quite as sore as I expected to be..bonus :) Felt so good I was able to do a CF style workout for myself outside (hooooot out!)

I've got TWO full rest days worked into the plan for the week...they're there as an option to take, or not :)

I KNOW this will sound so very obvious as I talk my way through this right now, but I'm rediscovering "choice." For a long time I repeated "you have the choice" at each meal, each decision, etc - to make the "right choice" to get healthy, to lose the weight, to work out, etc. And that was very true. And I did that...each decision was weighed (har har) and balanced and sometimes I made the "wrong" (read: not as healthy) choice along the way, but all along, I was *living*

Somewhere along the way, I stopped seeing it as a choice, and it became a must, a have to, a one way/only way kind of situation, and I stopped really *living*. Instead of "no thank you, I'd rather have this..." it became simply "I can't" and in many cases, there was a anxiety or fear surrounding whatever the thing was I was declining.

I've made a lot of positive progress with all of this this past week. I know I have a ways to go but I'm getting there.

In that regard, tomorrow starts the 30 day "no-scale" challenge, and I am taking part in my own small way. "Today I'm making the choice to not get on the scale, but if I really really want to, I know I can tomorrow." I've heard Raphael suggest that to folks struggling to stay on their meal plan, or to get to the gym..."I choose to do X just for now, but if I still want to do/eat Y tomorrow (or later), I can." For the scale challenge, it's really the same thing that I'm trying to do with food, just sort of opposite. If that makes sense to anyone but myself ;)

These things always seem so simple when someone else gives you permission to do them ;)

ANYWAY - all that to say, I'll weigh myself tomorrow if I want, and then we'll take it day by day after that. I think this holds a lot of promise :)

For anyone waiting on the edge of their seat to hear (hah), my date last night went pretty well :) We met for drinks (I had a glass of red wine) and we talked for almost 3 hours (waaaaaaaay past my bedtime). He texted me late last night and thanked me, and called me this afternoon for a quick chat. There's definitely a second date in our future, which I think speaks for itself, since I NEVER go on second dates! Not sure when it will be, but...details. We'll work it out.

Knee, Scale, Progress...Update Grab Bag!

2010-07-24T12:03:00.002-04:00

I woke up this morning feeling good...I declared, "Today holds such promise...I fully intend to take advantage of all of it."

I was off to see Christie at 8am this morning. Last night I sat down and tried to outline how this past week unfolded, all of the big moments and uncertainties...there was so much to cover and I knew I only had 30 minutes,didn't want to skip anything.

I just got right into it with her...as I told her the story about how I discovered my fragmented self, I started to cry. I told her more about how I'd allowed myself to tear myself apart, but now that I see that so clearly I find it so much easier to put myself back together when I fear that fissure starting to tear or widen. I continued to cry through the pineapple story...at which point she just declared "YES!" and she jumped up and grabbed a tissue...she was so excited now SHE was crying! She told me she was really proud of me, and I felt proud of me too at that moment :)

I shared with her how I YEARNED for the rules when I got back to work, and started freaking at the thought of "no rules" for when I returned to training. She reinforced that the longer I stay connected to myself...the more I'm whole, the easier it will become to listen and hear the cues from my body, and the rules will be natural, not forced.

I told her I'm still terrified, she gave me permission for that to be ok...I needed to hear that I guess.

I told her about @sweating_it_off's new #30daynoscale challenge, and how I really wanted to do it, but it was giving me such anxiety. She agreed that the 30 days would be daunting..she asked me to name a smaller interval that would be more doable...I told her that I tell myself EVERY NIGHT before I go to bed that I'm not going to weigh in the morning, and EVERY SINGLE MORNING, I do it anyway.

She said to bring choice back into the equation by making it OK to weigh. She suggested instead of saying no/don't/not allowed in the evening, to instead each morning give myself permission to do it tomorrow. "I can weight myself tomorrow, today I am making the choice not to." I can do that. That doesn't make me shake with anxiety. She said in all things, to try to remember the three C's ...Consciousness, Choice, Control...that being conscious and making a choice is natural control, and not the other way around.

We also talked about my hormonal issues. My Dr suggested seeing the Gyn, but Christie thinks waiting another month or two for things to fall in line as my eating comes back together and gets better is the better option. She's hoping it fixes itself naturally, as I work on healing this other stuff.

It was an amazing session, I felt really strong and positive when I left. I AM strong, and working on the happy :)

Went to the gym after that to test out the knee...the plan was to work up to something reasonable and representative of my training plan and give it a try. I stuck to the plan for squats, and worked sets of 8 at 105, 125, and 135. Nice and deep, and the brace didn't interfere with getting to depth at all. Will still need to find some "sanctioned" braces. Will probably train/wear one on each knee. Unfortunately, I didn't stick to the plan so well with deads (they feel so good!) and went with triples, doubles and singles and pulled the last single at 300. Oops :)

Today's Squats (last set): 135 x 8 - The Comeback!

The good news is that the knee feels great! It felt stable, strong...I'll likely be stupid sore tomorrow (really stupid), but I'm confident that I can get back to training with Dave's program on Monday. I'll be repeating Week 1, and starting over :) So excited about that.

Tonight I've got a date, we're not meeting until 9:30PM so I'll be needing a nap for sure. I plan on it shortly...after my near max pulls (and honestly, today it felt like a max) I'm pretty pooped! I plan on feeling totally sexy and confident for this date, and totally present, and whole. Not sure what I'm wearing yet, but I'm going to feel good.

I'm taking advantage of all the promise today has to offer :)

#30DayNoScale

2010-07-22T21:33:00.000-04:00

Earlier today a Tweet popped up on my screen, "30 DAY NO SCALE CHALLENGE! Dont be scared! #30daynoscale"

We all know I'm scared. I've personally challenged myself to this EVERY DAY and failed EVERY DAY over and over again. I tweeted that I was scared, and got a barrage of encouragement to just try.

I wanted too, but I just couldn't say I'd join! I started going through all the scenarios in my head, about all the weight gain I would obviously experience as a direct result of not being able to SEE. And NOW? NOW along with all the other stuff I'm trying to change? No no no...too much. Too much at once, with all the other changes I'm trying to make right now.

I tried to visualize how it would FEEL to be free of that thing! I said I'm in, and that means weigh in on Monday, and then put the scale away for 30 days.

And now I'm second guessing (weird ;) I decided I'll talk it through with Christie on Saturday, I'm really not sure I'm ready. When I type that I feel like it looks like an excuse..but still, it feels daunting.

Today I just did cardio at the gym...tomorrow I'll be hitting an upper body workout, lower body on Saturday and back to the training plan Dave sent me on Monday.

Date on Saturday!

Middle of the Day-er....

2010-07-22T12:24:00.001-04:00

You know it's important to me if it's popping up NOW and not just before I pass out at the end of the day.

The other day at the Beach, Susan (@mindrightfit) asked me, "What if I told you you were going to gain 10lbs, but you would meet your soul mate?"

At that instant, about 75 questions starting spinning through my head, "What do you mean? I don't understand. Why? Why do I have to gain 10lbs to find my soul mate? What are you asking me?!"

I just looked at her as it all swirled in there. That appears to be my response when I can't logically put questions/thoughts together with words. I couldn't answer her. I wanted to say yes, I wanted to say I love ME me more than I love WEIGHT-LOSS me and if *I* would be truly happy then absolutely! But I couldn't get the words out, saying YES meant, I think...handing over too much control to ME me...you know, the wild one, the one who might let things get out of hand see...and 10lbs...well we've been there, and we hate that.

Yesterday I read about an amazing woman who was literally taking it all off for a good cause. She was overcoming that voice, and stripping down and literally becoming this image (her blog icon) for a calendar:

From Blogger Pictures

Happy, beautiful, strong, care-free...*awesome* WOW.

And with that, today she posted all of the thoughts that ran through her mind in the weeks preceding the photo shoot, I felt like I could have written them. Lots of uglyness goin' on there.

But she still did it! How great is that? She kicked the voice's ass!

But today she ALSO wrote about her progress and all of the good and the beautiful about her bod & life. One of the things she wrote really hit me like a ton of bricks (in a good way, I think):

Fact: I gained every single one of those 30 pounds, because I have fallen madly in love and have been too busy having the most romantic and wonderful dates every day for the last two years.

Fact: I wouldn’t change this last fact for all the world. My life is amazing right now. I am so very happy. To my core happy, perhaps for the first time in my life.

I want that. My goal is to be able to answer Susan's question with no hesitation - a resounding "yes." Not that I have to, and not that I will, but that if it happens it happens and YES, for "to my core happy," anything is possible.

Voice is on notice.

Day 2: Ehhhh Not so Easy

2010-07-21T20:42:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning and had a brilliant start to my day...I weighed less than a pound more than I did on Monday. I DID try to not get on the scale after eating out last night, but I promised myself I wouldn't react, I would simply observe. I was up less than a pound from the day before, which...not so bad. I always jump on rest days, and I did NADA yesterday, except lounge at the damn beach. And then there was my food.

So all in all, today I was proud of me for not REACTING to the scale.

At the gym, I did a short little circuit I made up on the fly:

3 sets of 20, no rest between exercises, 30 secs between sets:
20 burpees, chest to ground
20 box jumps (on reebok step, 7 risers plus step)
20 jumping jacks
20 squat to overhead press w/10lb med ball
40 (20/side) Vsit Twists @ 10lb med ball
20 situps @ 25lb plate

Then I did 20 minutes on the treadmill (turned off, alternating 5 minutes each direction).

Sweaty goodness :)

Got back into the office environment, and things got a lot harder. I found it hard to listen to my body, I couldn't focus on how I was feeling because I was distracted by well...*work* and I found familiar patterns surfacing.

"Well but what do I do if this? And what do I do if that?" I instantly started searching for RULES...just tell me what to do! I found myself telling myself that if left to my own devices I won't eat...even yesterday in my big breakthrough, I felt confident in the choices I made only when there was no denying I was hungry...when the tummy could be heard 3 towns away. That's well past the point I should be eating, and if I waited until I got to that point for every meal I'd probably eat 2 meals...well that's what my friend "brain" was telling me. Still...there's no denying I did find it hard to determine hunger at my desk.

** Not going for perfection
** No such thing as "perfect eating" so
** By what standard am I judging myself?

Oh, why it's the crazy standard, obviously. Alrighty then...

A few times I realized I'd left myself, and I focused and took a few deep breaths and returned.

I also started spinning on "but what about when I return to training, isn't that *different*? Won't there be rules THEN? Certainly I'll have to get the right ratios/calories.." yadda yadda obsessionobsessonobsession. But there will be right? But...

GAH.

I'm home now, and trying to stay front and center. New tapes are starting to play and trying to plant doubt.."what if you can't get back to lifting like you were, you'll certainly have to change the way you eat then..." And some doubts about my ability to just "stay" at my natural weight well...naturally. I'm afraid. All of the reaction I pushed off this morning while standing on that scale. is starting to feel like a vast, heavy blanket. They're stealthy though, they're not coming right out and saying it, but I hear things like, "well sure ok those few pounds they're PROBABLY because your period is late and you're retaining water." What that actually sounds like is "uh-huh, sure. yup, sure yeaaahhh it's *totally* the period thing..go ahead, believe all that hoo-ha and eat what you want and see what happens"

Yeah so in that semi-related news, I spoke with my Dr about my hormonal issue to see who she would recommend the type of specialist I see (Endocrinologist vs. Gynecologist) and she said Gyno. I'm still on the fence, but maybe it's the right way to start. I haven't had a period since the last one ended June 3...7 weeks. Always somethin...

I'm home tonight, fighting the good fight :)

Day 1: Re-Do-Over

2010-07-20T21:37:00.003-04:00

So when I moved to Florida, I called it my "Do-Over," I was starting over - totally fresh.

I'm taking another re-do. Can we do that? Well let's just pretend we can and move right along ;)

I had the day off. Long story, but it was a swap for another "free" (read: non vacation day) off. It started at the Dentist. While I can't say I love the Dentist, it was THE best dental visit I've ever had. After the Dentist - off to the Orthopaedist...the much awaited Orthopaedist follow-up!

YESSSSSSSSSSSSS! Got the All Clear! He just wants me to lift with the knee brace given that knee's proclivity to doing what it did. I asked him about subbing it out for a "sanctioned" one, he didn't appreciate that ;) If I must, and the one he provided cannot be used in competition, then I will train with both - alternating a competition approved knee wrap and the brace :)

That wrapped up around 10, and I spent some time by the intracoastal sipping a cup of coffee and finishing up Women, God and Food. I was driving home, I'd say around 11ish when I noticed hunger. Tummy growling, noticeable, physical hunger. This was a good opportunity! Ok...so I have essentially the world at my finger tips...focus, look inside..."You can have anything your body wants, what is it?"

Christie asked me this question on my first day with her and I just stared at her blankly. Today I focused, "fresh" was first...I wanted something seasonal and fresh and bright. Then YELLOW! And I was like YES YELLOW! Lemon? No...Banana..? No....PINEAPPLE...YES! And I said it out loud, "I'd like some pineapple!" And then I cried :) Because that is REALLY what I wanted. And not only was it what I wanted, and something that maybe 2 days ago I would NEVER have allowed, but do you realize the FIRST thing my body said was Pineapple! It did NOT say, "hey, how about a triple baconator and hot fudge sundae from Burger King...you're driving by it right now...just sayin.." I cried and I called @Fat2Figure because I HAD to tell someone how amazing it felt to say, "I'd like some pineapple!" Thanks Ms. T :)

So the plan quickly formulated. Go home, change into bathing suit (and hell YES it's going to be the bikini, screw this "skin" worry - NOT TODAY (I said that outloud too :)), stop at Publix for a) sunscreen (all out), and b) picnic lunch for the beach: cut up fresh pineapple, a turkey wrap, and some water.

At the beach, I TOTALLY splurged and spent $20 on renting the big wooden platform chairs that come with a comfy cushion and a giant umbrella, and a guy to adjust it at your beck and call! I cannot tell you how freaking fantastic that pineapple actually tasted :) I cried again. On the beach! So true ;)

My friend Susan called about 30 minutes into my beach time and I invited her to join me...she did! She had the other half of my wrap, and was uninterested in the fabulous pineapple ;) We spent the afternoon chatting and lounging...awesome. I needed a girlfriend today, and she just showed up - what a blessing :)

When I got home I looked back on my day, it felt SO GOOD, felt like a new beginning. So I decided to make it that...my re-do-over. I made it my birthday do-over too, since I spent that one in the emergency room, hahah.

I put on my lil' red dress because I FELT SEXY, and I decided to take myself out. Plus I mean, how often do I go out, right? So I was livin' it up:

From Blogger Pictures

Yup - me, myself and I. All dressed up :) I went downtown and parked, and then perused up and down the main street reading menus until I found what would continue to satisfy the "fresh" need I was still experiencing. I settled on Grilled citrus glazed fillet of Atlantic salmon served with a mango-melon salsa over field greens. The salmon was like butta, and I could taste the beautiful grilled/charred bits and the sweetness of the mango...yum. I enjoyed about 3/4 of a red Sangria with it as well. It kicked my ass...I couldn't finish it and as it was I had to walk around a bit before driving home ;) But..mmmm, I really enjoyed every bit of that.

I stopped in at a little cafe that specialized in cupcakes on the way back, and I got me a little celebratory cupcake! Ok it really wasn't little!

From Blogger Pictures

I didn't eat it all, but I put a major dent in it. It was wonderful...creamy frosting with this sort of fudgy chocolate STUFF over top..vanilla cake. A cherry on top :) I had a decaf coffee with it as well, and I ate until I was satisfied :)

A lovely couple stopped and asked if they could join me? I thought it was a little out of the ordinary but ok...so they sat with me and celebrated with me (didn't tell them what, they didn't ask..they just asked if I was celebrating "something"). She gave me a little bamboo woven fish, said she bought it from the street person who told her it meant good luck..she passed it on to me :)

And now here I am, reflecting on Day 1. I feel good. Right now, I have no regrets and no fears. Right now is a joyous place :)

The Good, the Bad, the Ugly & the Truth

2010-07-19T19:45:00.003-04:00

I spent A LOT of time with the book Women, Food and God this weekend – no TV, just me, the book, a pen, and a journal. I've had a lot of stuff flying through my head, a lot of tears, a lot of nail biting moments, but it's been doing me a WORLD of good.

I started with trying to figure out her concept that basically everything you think and believe about yourself is on your plate.

Theoretically (or not so much a theory), my issue lies in restricting my food (both in quantity and type), not feeling satisfied, ignoring hunger, not recognizing hunger/satiety cues, not enjoying food, and berating myself if I decided to take a rest from monster workouts.

So..back to the plate. The feeling is that I'm not worthy of the food, that I don’t "earn it" or I don't "deserve it," particularly on days off.

Into the "practices" portion of the book, Geneen talks about meditation and offers up the particular method she practices and teaches at her seminars. I've never been someone to meditate, and I will admit when I read that the eye rolls started. Really? I could do nearly anything else she suggested, but meditate? Gah. But ok – I'm open to this…let me try.

I tried.

And some kinda crazy shit opened up. Relatively new shit, not old shit like "when I was 8…" but stuff that hasn't been collecting cobwebs for too long. I decided to be open to this, to be "curious" about it and explore it.

Now let me be clear before I share – we all have stuff in our head that is based on experience, fear, craziness, whatever…NOT necessarily on reality. I am not deploring my weight loss and I'm certainly not deploring the company, or implying (implicitly or explicitly) that these things were ever relayed to me as fact – I'm simply sharing what I discovered in my head that I've been hiding from – rational and reality based, or not (NOT).

I discovered that I believe my only value at work lies in my weight, my weight loss, and the maintenance of those two things. As in…I wouldn't be here if it weren't for those things (the weight-loss/maintenance of it), if I lose those things…what do I have left? You are worthless without those things.

Further…I discovered that I believe that all of the good things that have come to me have only come because of the weight loss – specifically what came to mind immediately was my independence, confidence & self-esteem (ironic huh?), my ability to MOVE – run, swim, lift, my career (again) … only because of the weight loss. "The weight loss" (and maintenance of it) is therefore...everything. I am worthless without it.

*I* have become ONLY my weight loss, because that is what brought all of the "good things." I cut all of ME out of myself and became only the tiny bit of me that was the weight-loss part. Fragmented, unwhole, incomplete. I've been eating the way I have and believing that was all I needed..nay DESERVED, because I was feeding only my weight-loss self..and only very strictly, because *that* must be maintained or we're all going to hell. The REST of me..well that's the old Cathy..she doesn't get enjoyment, she doesn't deserve to eat, she doesn't get self respect, love, friends…we keep her locked away. This keeps relationships away, socializing…because if Cathy comes out, then weight-loss is no longer in charge, and she might mess everything up for Weight Loss and then we'll ALL go back to unhappy/bad/fat.

I feel like I seriously sound deranged trying to explain this, I'm not split personalities…but I don't know how else to share. Maybe "weight loss" is actually the "ED voice."

That's a lot. But it was RELIEVING.

The book talks about maybe why it's relieving. It says (in a nutshell), allowing yourself to feel the emotions, accepting them in the moment, and moving on allows you to relearn that feeling the feelings will NOT shatter you. If you don't allow yourself to feel them and stuff them away, then they hold you hostage - you begin to fear the feelings, your mind tells you that they will be so overwhelming that you won't be able to function, that you couldn't bare it. Your mind stores them away and then creates stories around them...telling you that you cannot possibly handle it, so you avoid avoid avoid, and possibly turn to food to continue that avoidance. Feeling them, accepting them...they will pass. And one 'event' at a time, you learn that in that moment, you've not been shattered, that you're able to function, that you are still beautiful you, accepting of all of you, the whole you not just pieces that your mind allows you to accept.

A few times going through all this I started down THAT spiral…just really working into that panicky feeling, negative place where the voices were just at each other's throats….that shattered place. It must've been ED voice getting nervous that Cathy was getting some attention, growing...gaining some awareness.

I was able to concentrate and focus on the right here and the right now and pull myself out of it. I was not shattered. I lived. I kept my job, my independence. I could still move! I still had 2 beautiful cats that love me and love to snuggle :)

I accepted the feelings – a LOT of fear, sadness, shame, and lonliness, and told myself that now that I'm becoming aware, I can work on the unthinking…I can start to unthink all those things…I can put the pieces of me back together and become my WHOLE self again, and replace those beliefs with their enemy – the Truth.

The Truth is…
- My value at work lies in my passion, my COMpassion, my dedication and understanding, and my knowledge and abilities. I'm a hard worker, whether I weigh 132, 138 or 141 – those things do not change. I am a whole person.

- I started this change, I (my whole-self) was the one behind the weight loss, *I* reached many goals through focus and devotion and love for my whole self I am the one who took my life into my hands and chose to find independence, to find a new career, try to learn and appreciate movement and all my body could do for her, *I* am the one who looked for confidence inside – the courage to leave and to move, the courage to stand up for herself..the strength for all those things. WEIGHT LOSS did not do ANY of them…a whole and complete Cathy started it all.

- I deserved and earned the right to eat to satisfy hunger, and yes even enjoy foods simply by being born and being alive. I do not have to annihilate myself to earn it, and I deserve to feed all of me, not only my 'weight loss.' I am a whole person accepting of all of me, allowed to share in all of life - including all of the freedoms to enjoy relationships and love and social activities. I have the right to believe that I know how to choose moderation and I know how to lead an active and healthy lifestyle without the fear of losing everything.

- I have the choice each day to remind myself that I am whole, I am NOT my weight-loss.

My weight-loss can still exist, as an achievement, something I did for my health...it probably saved my life. I do not have to let go of it. But it is NOT my entire life, it is not my value on this planet, and it is no longer completely in the drivers seat. I am aware now.

All of this may seem completely obvious to every.single.person.reading ... and if it is, very good on you. You probably tried to tell me this a hundred times over. I wasn't ready to come home yet, for whatever reason. I'm ready now. I don't know how I got here, I don't know why. I don't think a "diet" leading to a change in lifestyle necessarily puts someone on this path...others may disagree. But as the Author states, "It's not about the weight, but it's not NOT about the weight." At a certain point, and I believe I was there - it is all about it, because it impedes your ability to live. That is where I was when I started this very long journey. I ended up here on the other side, where once again it somehow became about the weight...but I believe I'm on the upswing now.

I get it.

I'm aware.

I understand being "whole" now. A few times in sharing back and forth with my beautiful and dear friend Honu, in sharing her experiences with her recovery she's mentioned "feeling whole" a few times and I honestly did not GET it.

But I do now. And it's home, and it's everything.

I know, I very very well know that there will still be tremendous struggles with this...but I've opened the door for her...for ME. It's already been a challenge to keep me front and center, but this day today - I've done it. And tomorrow I get another chance to practice that. And again, and again. I'm coming out and I'm coming home.

I feel a bit like I'm drinking the Kool-Aid. But so be it, because I feel amazing.

A Passage...

2010-07-18T09:35:00.000-04:00

I don't know how to comment on this, what to say or anything beyond just wanting to sit with this, learn from it, feel it, and BE it. It's from Women Food and God, page 74-75.

Something happens to every one of my students when they stop running their familiar programs about fear and deficiency and emptiness. I don't know what to call this turn of events or the freshness that follows it, but I know what it feels like: it feels like relief. It feels like infinite goodness. Like a distillation of every sweet fragrance, every heartstopping beauty, every haunting melody you've ever heard. It feels like the essence of tenderness, compassion, joy, peace. Like love itself. And in the moment you feel it you recognize that you are it and that you've been here all along, waiting for your return....You returning to yourself. And that hell is nothing more than leaving this. Heaven is already here on earth.

Hot Yoga

2010-07-17T15:05:00.002-04:00

*Streeetttttccchhhhhh* Yum.

I woke up feeling pretty awful this morning, migraine. I took some meds, stayed in a bed a while, then got some coffee, read a bit...

Out of nowhere my body asked me for some hot yoga this morning...it went sort of like this, "Self? How about some hot ass yoga?" And I said, "Self? You know that sounds fantastic." Mind you, I've done it exactly ONCE before, about 2 years ago, I have no idea where this "craving" came from. So I responded, made a few calls, and found an 8:30am class, and off I went. I made the instructor aware of my knee if I needed assistance, and I went in.

90 minutes of severe (no really ;) sweat, stretching, and balancing. I'm now feeling so aware of myself, and recognize what simply being "present" feels like. There's no room for anything but the present when focused on the movements and how your body feels and responds to each one (not to mention focused on not falling on yer bum :). It was the most peaceful and quiet my mind has been in ages. Coming home from that, I've been left aware of my body and it feels incredible. I feel all of my muscles were actively engaged, I was strong and flexible, and my knee did all I asked of it (save for one pose, that one was NOT happening) and, it even surprised me a few times.

I'm STILL feeling peaceful in these moments after class, and can hear myself much better right now. I know it might fade as the day goes on...but I'm enjoying it all for now. I made an incredibly fresh lunch - fresh lemon juice and chopped parsley, creamy yogurt..mmm. And I used lentils - a new food for me, and it was wonderful and not scary.

It's a really big "wow" kind of time for me right now..feels magical. Today I'm choosing again to have a great day :)

Blog Potpourrie

2010-07-15T20:44:00.001-04:00

Ok I'm admittedly getting ... we'll call it, "fidgety" about the gym and my training/workouts. Yesterday I had a fantastic upper body workout, and I tested the waters on the elliptical. Nothing intense, just testing out the motion and it felt great.

Today I went for an all cardio session - 40 mins on the elliptical (nice! testing to 40 minutes) and had no problems. I kept the brace on the entire time (um hello gross sweaty knee brace) and it was over in no time. Through the day today, I made it braceless with no mis-steps, instability or weakness. It's really feeling great all around! Honestly I can't get over it - from where I was just a few days ago till now, it's like night and day! Then and now...before and after...more on that waaay down there...

I ended up needing to reschedule my follow-up Ortho appt from next Friday to next Tuesday because of a conflict with work. Let's hope for the all clear! Obviously I'm anxious to get back to it (SLOWLY, and only if it's safe!) but that anxiousness just got cranked up a notch since the last opportunity to post a Qualifying Total for the 2011 Raw Unity Meet is the meet I had been planning on doing in November. If I can't make that one, i most likely won't be able to lift at the RUM.

In other powerlifting news...leave it to Myles to turn my PL bomb-out into something good...now my source of strength and fuel for my fire :) I was very pleasantly suprised to find a link into this article (stupid comments aside ;) the other day.

I've now had four days in a row of really good work with nutrition/listening/trusting etc. I'm starting to trust myself and my body at least a little more. Monday was HARD, but I stuck with it and in the end it was all OK :) Tuesday was really good too. Last night was rough...I was waaay down in the abyss. I came here and wrote it all out - all of the things I was feeling and I felt the tension ease as I wrote...it really did help to just accept it all and not fight it.

I was embarrassed though, I worried over it, and I wound up deleting it. So much for accepting. Next time it will be whatever it is, no shame.

"The independent polling company in my Dockers has determined that you're the hottest girl in this school" HAH...sorry - a random quote from Glee that happens to be on at the moment ;)

There's been a thread on the support board on eDiets that is encouraging everyone there to share their achievements. I go in there everyday and grin over all of the wonderful things that are happening for people. And I ponder my own. And I leave. There's a tweet each of the past few days by @VoiceInRecovery asking people to share things they are proud of about themselves. I read, and I leave without posting.

Today I got an earful from Raphael, a spontaneous, beautiful, warm soliloquy about my transformation...from where I WAS to where I AM - in so many ways, the change is enormous. I was there in tears listening...weight loss goals met of course, and obviously the physical transformation is enormous, but also the achievements and accomplishments beyond the weight loss...I definitely lost it all for a while - somehow, my appreciation, joy and passion for that in myself was lost. Perspective. The distance from THERE to HERE, before and after...it's incredible! And yet right now sometimes that distance is very small, even non-existent:

Before: When I think about all that it did for me when I treated it so badly.
Now: When I think about all that it does for me when I treat it so badly.

Before: When I knew the things I needed to do to change, and I fought myself and didn't choose to make the right decisions.
Now: When I know the things I need to do to change, and I continue to fight myself and don't choose to make the right decisions.

So I'm going to bring them even closer together in the now and celebrate it all...

Before & Now I had/have an amazing body that lives and breathes and allows me to move, touch, feel, speak, cry, smile, taste, see, hear, smile, run, lift, itch, tickle, and heal. And really...ANY action word you can think of... these just happen to be a few of my favorite.

One thing that my body does NOT do for me when I don't treat it right is allow me to rest. I track it daily (among 47 other things, sad but true) and tehre's no denying the relationship. When I don't eat right I don't sleep.

I was an insomniac for essentially the past 3 years, and I've learned that was hunger. I'm really sad about that, but just trying to accept it and learn from it.

I realize now that this path I'm on, it's the right one to continue *my* journey. It's probably not right for anyone else but for me, I'm where I need to be for whatever reason. I was ashamed that I swung so extreme...from one side to the other. Well so what..it is what it is and it all makes me... ME.

I'm good with that, so...onward :)

Today's Practice

2010-07-12T21:23:00.000-04:00

Today was practice. It was not about believing, it was not about knowing something was right, it was not about having confidence or trusting or any of that - it was about just doing.

I know one of my last assignments was to be more present, to BE, not do. But today the voice was LOUD and obnoxious, screaming all kinds of I-told-you-so's and now-look-where-you-are's, and keep-this-up-and-you-KNOW-how-it'll-end...fat-fat-fat-fat.

Today I practiced a lesson I learned a long time ago in a meeting with crazy demanding clients. "Oh, what an interesting idea, we'll take it under consideration and I'll get back to you on that!"

All. Day.

I did not manipulate the calories. I had an amazing workout this morning, but I did not push extra hard or risk the knee. In the pool this afternoon, I swam at a moderate pace for 25 minutes, and then got out - I did not push to "compensate" in any way.

I did my best to listen to me, to be present enough within myself (despite this screaming CHILD in my head!) and eat when hungry and eat to a proper level of being truly satisfied. I got too hungry a few times (waited too long to eat), but I ate to a good point (I think) each time. I just finished logging, and I came in right around 1675 cals, and my macros (this just astonishes me, it works out every time) around 45/35/20.

I think i can claim a victory today. Today, I succeeded.

The voice is still there tonight, trying to cast doubt on each of the decisions I made today, making threats towards tomorrow. But tomorrow just means another opportunity for more practice, and a step closer to believing.

Something I wondered today as I tried to acknowledge each thought and set it to the side, is what will it feel like when I can say I am better or recovered? Will it be gone completely? Just quieter? Or still there in full force, but totally disarmed and overpowered by joy and hope and health and happiness? Right now it's hard to imagine that peaceful silence..but I do hope to find it, soon.

Introspective...

2010-07-09T20:53:00.004-04:00

So this is going to make me slow down, which is something I've ~~probably~~ needed to do anyway, ignored and ignored and ignored, until it hit me over the head. Or knocked me over, literally.

If you read earlier, the Dr has given me the go-ahead for some body weight exercises and swimming, to get started immediately. I was delighted with the "go" orders, even with the swimming, something I've generally only resorted to when injured. I was rejoicing in this when Honu pointed out that even with that, I'm sort of forced (not the right word, but I can't find it) inward...it's quiet time in the pool, no music, no talking, nothing but you and your thoughts.

This afternoon after work, I went straight to the gym and hit the pool. I didn't go overboard, I'm just starting...

2 warm-up lengths
then 3 sets:
20 hip abduction, adduction
20 fwd/rear leg raises
6 lengths of the pool
2 cool-down lengths

Not a ton of time, but enough time spent to get in my head. I can't say what I pondered specifically, but there was a lot of back and forth with myself about my workouts, nutrition, my behavior when it comes to those things, and my inability to stay off the scale (I tried yesterday, and again today...there's another day ahead tomorrow).

Last night, the guy I had a date with on my birthday asked how the knee was holding up. I shared that it was improving, and I had gone for a test drive that was quite successful. He suggested we reschedule our date for that evening. Hey why not, I thought. So I knew I was going out, and I found myself "saving" calories for the possibility of having a drink and dinner out. I thought nothing of it, that was "normal" for me. I thought it was "planning ahead," a good choice. Easy to fall into comfy, "normal" behaviors...

Ahh well..dating sucks, and the date was soooo not a match. I did have one glass of wine, but that was it. I drove home hungry, made some dinner, and logged my day in my nutrition journal, including the glass of wine. 1198 calories. Ugh, really? Ugh. (on a side note, I slept like crap last night - I fully believe the two are related).

All swimming around my head...swimming.

At the grocery store after the gym it hit me, where I went wrong. I'm not on a diet! Yes I'm trying to maintain a healthy lifestyle, but that behavior, budgeting/planning/saving calories...that's "diet" behavior. That's "normal" only in the land of Cathy, and the "normal" I'm trying to get away from right now. There's nothing necessarily WRONG with it in and of itself, but that is not where I'm supposed to be. I'm supposed to be able to enjoy a dinner out once in a while. I'm supposed to LET GO and be able to go and do things like...go on a date and not be freaked out about it. Like enjoy a slice of freaking pizza (we're back to where all this started with that one) and not feel like I have to do extra cardio or starve myself to "make up for" that choice.

I always feel like I'm not articulating myself very well, I hope this is coming across as it is in my head. This was a BIG moment for me...

If I save calories, "budget," or "plan" or whatever you want to call it...I'm taking away my ability to let go and enjoy. If it's only once in a while, I have that choice, and I can make it.

I can make that choice this Saturday. I can go about my day as usual, and then meet up with the guy I rescheduled with from this past Tuesday. I can make the choice at that time to have a drink, or not. To make the healthiest choice on the menu,the worst choice on the menu, or anything in between. Maybe celebrate my birthday a little late, and get dessert...the choice? All mine...

I have the choice :)

Yay for introspection. Yay for swimming. Yay for choice :)

(And today, a respectable total of ~1450 @ 45/30/25)

***
Edit
I wrote that, and this came across Twitter. It ends with me and tears, and these words:

If you are still teetering on the brink of illness, I invite you to step firmly onto the solid ground of health. Walk back toward the world. Gather strength as you go. Listen to your own inner voice, not the voice of the eating disorder—as you recover, your voice will get clearer and louder, and eventually the voice of the eating disorder will recede. Give it time. Don’t give up. Love yourself absolutely. Take back your life.

Drs Orders :)

2010-07-09T12:25:00.000-04:00

Just back from the Ortho, no tears - he said he was surprised I didn't do more damage! I have my MRI on disk, I'm getting ready to look at my knee from the inside out, neat :) I'm sure I won't know what's up from down, but..whatever. I also know it won't be nearly as exciting as my dad with a giant f'ing screw in his femur ;)

So here goes...hopefully I don't sound like an idiot trying to explain what I was told...

"Congenital defect" lol in my knee means it's always got the potential to do what it did on Monday - the groove that the patella sits in is more shallow than a normal one, so any force sudden force applied in such an uncontrolled way (as in say, a fall down the stairs ;) has the potential to knock it out of place. Forever. But he said right now it needs help staying back in the groove because "stuff" (<-- technical ;) stretched all around trying to control it during the fall, and because being off it like I have been, those muscles have already started to atrophy. So he's given me a brace for now to wear all the time for the next 2 weeks.

I'm supposed to begin exercising right away (oh stop me, please!) - swim! Ahhh back to my friend swimming ;) Can swim all I want/can. Can do upper body workouts, and for lower body and specifically my right leg - body weight and progress to light leg extensions but more importantly focus more so on the hip adductors/abductors - body weight to start, then ankle weights, then progressing to light weight. No squatting ;) Back in 2 weeks for reassessment.

I feel good with a plan, knowing what I can/can't do and that it's all going to be juuuuust fine. With *patience* Not my strong suit... :) I think I'll swim tonight!

Can't Keep a Sistah Down!

2010-07-08T21:30:00.000-04:00

I was really down this morning, feeling really trapped that I could not drive, feeling stir crazy that I've been so stuck in the house, feeling like I wanted to LIFT...

I was sort of trapped in the thinking that since I could not get to the gym I could not do anything, but then I realized - hey! I have DB's (up to 25s), a chair, and a floor.

So I hit it circuit style...3 sets:

Lying DB Floor Press - 12 @ 25lbs
Seated DB Sh press - 10 @ 20lbs
Seated 1-Arm DB Curls - 8 @ 20lbs
Seated 1-Arm Overhead Tri Extension - 12 @ 12lbs
1 Leg Squats (with good leg, obviously, with chair by side if needed for balance) - 15
1 Leg Calf Raise (ditto)- 15
Situps - 15

With the "bad" leg i also did standing Hip Adduction/Abduction, 2 sets @ 15
Seated Leg Extensions (no wt & with limited ROM, lol) 1 set @ 15
Rear Leg Lifts - 2 sets @ 15

YESSSSSSSSSS!
AND, I went out for the test drive...total success.
Not comfortable, but completely doable.

Saturday I should be able to get to the gym for my w/o, and hopefully I'll have a list of rehab stuff to do with this bum leg :)

Today's Inspiration, and the PLAN

2010-07-08T10:32:00.002-04:00

Well hopefully I can drive tomorrow, as I've made an appointment with an Ortho at Palm Beach Orthopaedics. Theoretically I'm picking up the MRI tomorrow and then heading up there. I told them that the results showed no tissue damage or displacement, but that I needed to be sure I'm doing all the things I need to be doing so I can be confident that when it's time for me to go back to PL, I'll be safe/ready to do so. So whatever rehab, etc...I'm there.

There's a test drive session in my future this afternooon...maybe just around the neighborhood :)

Plan makes me feel better. Even if it's not even a plan yet - just the plan for a plan :)

I've also decided that I'm counting all of this as part of my training. Damn straight. Come back will be even stronger.

Also - as far as food, I'm going to try to be accountable here..."Injury is not a path back to obesity, bad choices, or anything else." I'll repeat it, until I believe it.

Here's a pic of my kitty caretaker, Lily:

From Blogger Pictures

With that in mind, last night I was proud of me...throughout the day yesterday I ate when I felt hungry and I made healthy, tasty choices - I didn't eat to a predetermined plan, just did what *felt* right. At the end of the day, I logged everything and came in right around 1450 cals at 45/30/25 :) I was pretty happy with that...it's building trust. That's the greater lesson that will come out of all of this, I feel like that was a good start :)

And today, this is my inspiration:

"And when it rains on your parade, look up rather than down. Without the rain, there would be no rainbow." - Jerry Chin

Best News in WEEKS!!

2010-07-07T11:36:00.001-04:00

OMG yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay :)

So I just got off the phone with the Dr with the results of the MRI - no "real" damage.

I've got a ton of arthritis (which I knew, old news - obesity and all - WTG Cathy!) and evidence of some subluxation. She thinks when I landed the other day, the patella temporarily/partially dislocated - but as we know from x-ray, it is NOT dislocated, and MRI shows no soft tissue damage was done in the process! I think it underscores just how much better off I am than if I hadn't lost the weight, trained, etc...I think I'd have been in deep doo-doo otherwise.

So I asked her, "why can't I move it?!" She said because the swelling is so severe (caused by the temporary dislocation), and once the swelling reduces I'll return to full range of motion and the pain should subside accordingly. It is still stupidly swollen, really I can't believe how big it is ;) But better than last night...

So continuing to RICE and immobilize with the brace when I'm up and about. I've got the anti-inflammatories going on...just need to be careful, patient, and cautious for a few weeks as I return to normal ROM :))))

Can we say it again, "yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!"

New Lesson Plan

2010-07-06T21:36:00.001-04:00

I was going down my steps yesterday afternoon, not paying attention I guess, and I missed a step, landed unsteady on the step below the one I should have landed on, then my foot/leg slid out from under me onto the landing and I jammed my leg somehow...I didn't actually fall (might have been better off falling), but I hurt my right knee. A lot.

I sat there in denial for a bit...like "I'll just put some ice on it, it'll be fine" ...maybe a good almost hour? But...it was(is) undeniably excruciating to bend or lift in any way. Straight is fine, even weight bearing, straight is fine..but any bend or lift and it's NOT.

Eventually I gave in, I called my mom and she insisted I get to the hospital, but...driving was out. Mom wanted me to call an ambulance (um no), so I had to call someone for help. I called RC (who else, the amazing RC), and he came and helped me to the hospital and stayed with me a while through all the paperwork and the sitting and the x-rays (can't say thank you enough).

The only thing they were able to tell me was that I dind't break a bone. They gave me a giant immobilizer thing and instruction to RICE and keep it straight with this thing. The giant thing actually feels good because it allows me to move my leg from the hip and NOT flex the knee and cause pain. I can get around ok with it, even up and down the stairs, but I can't drive, and going to the potty (with or without it on) is a challenge.

Humbling moments...these are moments it's really hard to live alone.

I'm pretty pissed (the STAIRS take me out?!), and kind of freaking, but trying to just roll with it..there's a) no definitive anything wrong with it at the moment, and b) even if there was the prescription remains the same. I don't know why the ER didn't do an MRI, but I was able to get one today.

I called a friend of mine who's actually on vacation right now in Portland OR (crazy coincidence!), and she got me hooked up with her mom (who lives across the street from her), who came and picked me up today and took me all around to the Dr's office, to the MRI place, and to the pharmacy. It took ALL DAY, and I was up and about way too much I'm sure, but I got the MRI and should have results tomorrow. I'm researching good Ortho peeps so I'll be ready whether she tells me it's nothing, or something.

The Dr was not pleased with the level of swelling, or the extent (or NOT) to which I could flex without pain (~10 degrees). Beyond that, the only other feedback I got was "Wow, that's really swollen" from the MRI techs. I still don't know why they didn't do an MRI yesterday, but...anyway. Got a non-narcotic rx to try tonight. Debating sleeping in the guest room (bed is lower, easier to get in/out), and I still haven't mastered the potty. Dad is ready to come down (ironic, eh? ;) as soon as I give the word. I've asked him to wait until we hear MRI results, at least.

While out I found the most FABULOUS instant-cold thing EVER. It is like a combo ace bandage/ice-pack! And it's reusable! Going to wrap it with it tonight before bed...guaranteed not to fall off :)

From Cold Wrap Thing

Soooo...that's that. I said I was ready for my next lesson in PL, but clearly the universe had a different lesson plan in mind. I suspect it is to face the food/nutrition/exercise demons head on...since my first instinct today was to not eat. I didn't eat 1900 cals (which is where the counselor had slowly inched me up to), but I think I did well. I can't say I'm not freaking about it, and I keep thinking I'm *feeling* fat already, which is nuts, but I'm aware of the battle, so I'm better prepared to fight it.

Working from home the rest of the week...only plan is to eat right and make healthy choices for recovery :)

Back to Life..

2010-07-04T19:12:00.000-04:00

I've finally caught back up on some sleep, getting back to normal here, feeling so much better :)

I've been thinking a lot about the words "deserve" and "earned." I've heard them a lot the past week or so, and each time they've made me pause and think, and the last few times I've heard them I got...not sure - irritated? I think in a good way...we learn over and over again not to use food as a reward, "if you do this, then you can eat that." That's a big no-no in the land of diet. It sets up that mindset of deserving an indulgence. These are also words that I've used AGAINST myself, I think i've written about that here. On rest days i dropped my calories because I hadn't "earned" the right to eat. Last week after the shoot, a few people mentioned I should go ahead and eat/drink because I deserved it for all my hard work. Because I earned it. I cringed inside. This week it's come up because of the holiday, and because of my birthday...."go ahead, go out, you've earned it, it's just once a year, it's your birthday!" That made me cringe too.

I haven't EARNED anything, and I certainly don't DESERVE, as if it's an expectation...to just go crazy and have whatever I want when I do a good job, stay strict for so long, workout extra hard, etc.

What I CAN do, is make a choice for myself. What I have earned, and what I do deserve, is the freedom to make a choice to let loose once in a while, a CHOICE to veer off plan and indulge a little from time to time if and when I want to. Not just "do it" as a result of something. There are of course exceptions, for instance after a meet - I do sort of NEED to take a little extra and be a little freer with my decisions for recovery purposes. But for the most part...all of this is a choice. The choice to live a healthy, balanced lifestyle. It's that balanced part I'm still struggling with :)

I've really got so much swirling around up in here surrounding this topic. I've been away for a while because I was in Portland, OR for work the past week. We flew out Monday and I got back late Thursday night. We were out there for the latest eDiets.com commercial shoot. We brought out some of our most brilliant shining stars for the occasion, with weight loss ranging from 12 to 94lbs, and incredible transformational stories that could move even the most stoic of characters...I felt so at home so far away - they, we are such a family...even the folks I was just meeting for the first time. They inspire me...they've overcome, made changes, grown and learned so much. It absolutely makes me want to be stronger and better - healthier...but this time not lose more, lift more, run more etc. I need to be stronger and better for myself..stronger than the fear and the self doubt. Strong enough to trust myself enough to overcome the fear, and make healthy, balanced choices.

That combined with some further thinking about the meet, and the depths I went to after I bombed out on bench press, and then still going ahead and successfully deadlifting. I know I didn't move the weight I had planned, but I still hit all 3 lifts, and a new PR, after the whole bench incident. I changed my thinking there, I stopped the crazy bullshit talk and I turned it around, I made the choice to get it together, and did it!

So. I can do this too. I can make CHOICES, to think one way or the other, and to behave in one way or another. I'm forgetting the notion of "deserving" and forgetting the notion of "earning." That way of thinking has not served me in the past...I simply make choices, listen to my body, and use good judgement.

A process, yes. I will stumble..this is new. But no different than when I started with weight loss. I fell off plan, I got back on. I hit plateaus, eventually made it through. This will be no different :) The current challenge is incorporating an apple and a string cheese into the daily plan. I started yesterday and have managed a half apple and string cheese...it's a step. There's fear, but I'm working it out.

The next challenge - I've got two dates lined up. One tomorrow night (yay birthday date!) and one Tuesday night. A test. I've already been stressing the birthday, with all the encouragement to "eat! you deserve it!" But I'm letting go of that, and we'll see how the day turns out. I have lots of choices ahead of me :)

BEING Human

2010-06-26T18:30:00.003-04:00

So Dave has yet to get back to me, I'm starting to worry maybe he wasn't serious when he offered to coach me. On the other hand, I'm not really ready to go until next week when i get back anyway, soo...just trying to go with the flow for now.

I am anxious to really start lifting again, so I will do a good w/o tomorrow, and will try to fit one in while I'm away, although the time is looking really tight. The hotel says it has free weights, but I called today and I think it's really just much more of your typical hotel gym. There's a gym just 2 blocks away at the guest pass price of $10 but I don't think I can swing the time even at the crack o'dawn. We do what we can...

I saw Christie today, short session but I'm glad it was there. Feeling a little crazy with this week upon me...we talked about that interview I did last week, where I remembered/realized all of the *things*

I told her I'm afraid to stop DOING. For so long I worked towards this weight goal, or that running goal, or becoming a personal trainer, or getting my master's, or moving, or finding a new job, or x, y, z, and 1, 2, 3. Somewhere I lost sight of the amazingness of how all those things felt and forgot to just BE in them, to just feel them and celebrate just where I was...pause before moving forward. So for 10 years now or so...push push push...stronger, better, smarter, farther, faster, harder...there's always MORE...she said she really wants me to focus on just being more connected to the here and now. This goes back to appreciating my body, and all the little things it does every day for me.. Nothing wrong with setting goals, but the closer I am to the here, the now, the ME TODAY, the more connected I will feel with my body and what I REALLY want, instead of just go go go go go all the time on auto-pilot, and because it was part of some plan. She said, "You're a human BEING, not a human doing."

She asked me how I thought that felt, I told her - scary. It feels a little like settling, or giving in, or becoming passive, or..I don't know what, it just feels a little scary.

She asked me if I thought about any additional foods and adding them back in to my diet. At the meet last weekend I had some apples, Fuji apples. They were *really* good, so I said apples. She thought I should think about adding them back into my diet...I hesitated, "now? before Tuesday?" (Tuesday is the shoot day). I feel like an asshole writing that, but I'm not hiding this stuff anymore...YES, I've cut apples pretty much completely out of my diet. YES I'm afraid right now to add them back in. We agreed I could try it on Wednesday, and to better balance it add a string cheese to it. And not change anything else (meaning, don't cut something else out to "make room for" the apple + string cheese snack). I was afraid of the milk, and that has worked just fine and it feels really good. I actually *enjoy* that meal...it might be the only one. So I have to just trust that this will be just fine too...

Today I got the house straightened up, did all the laundry, and got some sunshine. Tomorrow I'll need to actually start packing (ugh), and deal with the sheets on the bed and fun stuff like that. Hopefully a touch more sunshine before I go too :) I got Carol to come back and check on the kitties while I'm gone, she rocks :)

June 24 Subjectless :)

2010-06-24T21:35:00.000-04:00

Soooo sleepy tonight! I just haven't posted since my meet recap, so I wanted to try to squeeze one in.

When I got back to work, I hit the ground running and have not stop. We have a big thing going on next week, I'll be flying out to Portland, Oregon on Monday and not back until late Thursday night. It's all coming together, but right now it's a real push and I've just been slammed morning, noon and night!

I emailed Dave and let him know I'm so ready to get started as soon as i get back from Portland. Actually I told him on Tuesday the 6th. What a great way to dive right into my 35th year of life, eh? :) I ordered my fractional plates and I'm super excited for their arrival tomorrow. Haven't heard back from Dave yet, I hope he's still willing to coach me.

I got back to the gym yesterday. Monday I just went out for a light walk, just really to get some movement and try to keep from getting overly stiff. Tuesday was a good brisk walk, and then yesterday I hit the elliptical again. Today I did a really light barbell workout and some more time on the elliptical. It felt good to get back at it in the gym :)

I was super proud of myself for my food intake over the weekend..pre-meet, during the meet, and after the meet. RC asked me how I thought I did and I proudly showed him my journal...says I still need a lot of work there. Not enough carbs, not the right carbs, etc...and all along I felt like I was just shoving them down. I was really upset about that at first, but I know it's a process...*process* Not gonna be perfect right out of the gates....I have an appointment with Christie on Saturday..good timing, I feel...antsy. Today I noticed I started cutting things OUT. I haven't logged food though since Friday :)

So that's that..easing back into the workouts and building back up to some volume and intensity...not sure how being away for a week will work into that but...I'll make it work. The hotel we're staying at has a decent sounding gym, it *says* they have free weights...we'll see I guess :)

9 Minutes

2010-06-21T17:16:00.003-04:00

The Facts
(long!)

I think most of you are pretty knowledgeable these days, listening to me talk about past meets, but just in case, I'll explain a little...

There are 3 lifts in powerlifting - squat, bench press, and deadlift. At a meet, you have 3 "attempts" at each...each attempt builds on the previous and increases in weight, until your 3rd attempt is an all out maximum lift. Many times, a max attempt is some weight a lifter has never even felt before - the max attempt is decided upon by a number of things but namely training progressions, some formulas, definitely some experience (where I'm falling down), and a good feel for your energy on the given day. You give each attempt as you finish the one before it. If you miss one, you can repeat it (assuming it's not your 3rd attempt) until you get it, or you can increase the weight, but you cannot decrease it.

We'll start with a summary: It was a day of highs and lows :)

I went into the day more calm and peaceful than ever, I felt solid in my plans, I knew I had trained hard, I knew I was well rested, I knew this was going to be my big day. Just for reference, Myles had asked a friend of his named Dave to keep an eye out for me on my lifts and attempt selections. Also, I didn't have anyone there to record my lifts, but they were recorded on the live stream. I've put the link for each lift below and in parenthesis with each attempt is the time marker for that lift. The videos load quickly and for the most part you can just move the sliding bar ahead to that marker and watch :)

The goals/plan as laid out ahead of time (always subject to adjustment, based on the things I described above):

Goal 1) Hit PR's on all lifts
Goal 2) PR my total, minimum of 617 to qualify for RUM 4 in January 2011

Planned Lifts:
Squat: 165, 185, 190 (former pr: 181)
Bench: 110, 115, 120 (former pr: 110)
Deads: 285, 305, 325 (former pr: 303)

Actual Squat - 160, 175, 190
Squats are here: squats
160 (43:00): I adjusted my opener to 160 because watching earlier flights, I saw the judges were really sticklers for depth (your hip joint must be below the top of the knee for a passing lift), and I just needed to be sure I nailed it. So I went with 160 on that opener and O.M.G - it was freaking *hard* I fought it, and I got it, but it threw my confidence in my plan for 185. Dave also approached me immediately after that and said "What were you planning for a 2nd?" When I told him, he said based on how that 160 looked, he really didn't think I should go for more than 170 (I told you it was HARD!). But I felt good, I wanted to chalk that 160 issue up to nerves, first lift, etc. Based on the 160, I wasn't confident in 185, but 170? I KNEW I had just nailed 175 for SIX in training...so I put my 2nd attempt in for 175.

175 (51:00): In the video, you'll see me unrack, then rerack, and then unrack again before squatting. I felt I had set up with the bar unevenly placed on my back. I asked if I could rerack and set it up again and was given permission from the head judge. That is totally legal to do, so long as you have not already received the "Squat" command." In my head I was talking myself through it - it's ok, you are perfectly within the rules to ask, now get your sh*t together and just squat it and get it right so you don't look like an idiot now. Once I reset up, I felt it - the hunger had kicked in..that was missing from that first squat - I wanted this lift! So down I went and back up - EASY. WAYYYY easier than the 160! "OK..." I thought, that's where it started...now you're ready!" So when i went to enter my 3rd attempt, I stuck with 190 (despite Dave NOW suggesting I go for 195, hah!).

190 (1:01:00): I have no idea, honestly..you guys know how much I've struggled with squat, getting my form right in particular. Each time I went heavier I'd have to stop, knock it back again and try again. But then one day - it clicked. After much patience and work..one day it just happened. And it all came together for me in this squat...the 190 went up easy - comments later were that it looked like the leve of effort you'd see in a 2nd attempt...definitely more in the tank, could have gone to 195, etc. WOW...you have NO idea how that felt, after all this time. I was on cloud 9 and I was ready for 9 solid lifts..not only had I PR'd, I'd never made all 3 squats before, off to an *amazing start!

Actual Bench - bombed
Bench Press is here: bench press
I went back to the warm-up room and properly warmed up. I had no issues, nothing felt unsually heavy or weird or wrong, I was feeling strong, I knew my opener was easy. I did it at my last meet in January as my opener with no problem, and I'd done it in training a gazillion times since then, and done MORE than it in training as a matter of fact. It was a starting point - a means to working up to bigger things.

110 (43:00): I went out there, and I missed it. Not even close honestly. What? How can this be? It was not a matter of nerves, it was not a matter of getting my head in the right place like it was with that first squat, it was *heavy* Ok...so got a pep talk from Dave, knew I had to get this, Focus. Visualize, see myself there with the bar at lockout...you know you can do this....

110 (51:00): Miss! Same deal as the first. Panic. No...not going to panic. I went through the same process. Focus, visualize, feel it completing, see that lockout...you have one shot at this. "This is NOT how you're going down" I thought, I pleaded with myself...the hunger, it was there - I was going after it.

110 (1:01:30): No lift. That's right, not one. The fact was, yesterday, regardless of what i did 6 months ago, regardless of the training, regardless ...yesterday it was *too heavy*

What does that mean? It means I was essentially kinda disqualified. If a lifter misses all 3 attempts in the same lift, it is termed "bombing out," and you're out of the meet. Nothing counts, no records (if set) would count, no totals count..nothing in the books, nothing official - yer out. It took me a long time to wrap my head around this. In fact, I wouldn't say I'm completely there yet. It remains somewhat of a mystery as to how it is possible, given my history with this weight, that I missed it like I did. But at that moment - the fact was, I was out.

Thankfully, the meet director told me that I could still deadlift (I guess that's fairly common). But to me, that was a blessing, because what it made me do was refocus. I needed to stop analyzing how I missed it, why I missed it, what did I do wrong, etc. WHY ARE YOU HERE, you're here to do a THING. You have nine minutes to do that thing in, don't throw them away. GET YOUR HEAD ON and DO IT. I repeated that to myself over and over. I called Tara, I knew she was watching. She reminded me...helped move me on. I got a pep talk from Dave. I got a pep talk from Eric (he was the meet director from the last meet, he lifted on Saturday, and he was the head judge during my session yesterday). I got a pep talk from this guy Mike who had just made a real go at the all time record deadlift for his weight class, at 860lbs, and missed it after pulling 770 and 820 in his first two attempts. These guys had been there, the message: "it's happened to all of us, it's ok, let it go and do your job." Ok then. *deep breathe* So let's warm up for deads...

Actual Deadlifts - 285, 305, 310
Deadlifts are here: Deadlifts
285 (39:00) - this was a key lift, I *needed* this. I needed it for my confidence, honestly I needed it for my ego, I needed it to prove that I could myself together. I got it, easy, no problem. Consulted with Dave - 305 was the plan, 305 it was.

305 (47:00) - Wow...ok where did THAT come from? It was waaaay too hard for what it was, but hung in with it and I pulled until I got it. I knew then that 325 was out, so I was thinking I needed to drop that. Dave came up and said "you don't have 325 or even 320 in you today." I told him I knew that, I said - let's take it to just 310. And 310 is what I entered for my final lift of the meet.

310 (57:30) - MINE. I'm crying now even as I type it, hahah crrrazzzy. When I started this lift, I knew I was getting it, that I was not stopping, that it was going to all the way up because damn it if I was going to miss another lift this day, "out of it" or not. It was a RIDICULOUS battle, but in the end I got it! And it felt amazing. It felt like it took about 8 minutes to pull it all the way up, but I think it truly took about 8 seconds (timing via video not the most reliable way but..), but there was NO WAY I was dropping it, and I didn't.

3 white lights, and that was the only way to end that meet.

The Lessons
(also long! :)

I spent a lot of time going OVER and OVER those bench presses. I was super down on myself for a few minutes there mid-meet, and don't get me wrong, it still burns, but for a while there was a lot of self-doubt and a lot of trash talking to myself. How could you miss something so *easy* especially when you've done it a million times? Especially when you got this with no problem as your opener 6 months ago?! How, why, what...I was also embarrassed, because I had felt so good and confident going in to this and I felt like it was maybe "serving me right" for feeling that way...

But after talking to a lot of folks, revisiting the possible hows, whys, whats, talking to people with more experience than myself...none of it matters. I could analyze it to death, looking at were my fingers ON the rings or just NEXT to the rings, were my elbows too flared, my legs not driving, my concentration off, blah blah...

I'll never *know* but there are some very positive things that came out of this:

Dave offered to be my new strength coach, and he says he does not charge. He believes he can help me a great deal just by changing some things up with my training. Helping make wiser attempt selections based on how my body handles maxing out (he suspects my squat PR caused the bench failure because it took more out of me than I allowed for in my selection).

I learned that there's no reason to be embarrassed, that my confidence was not really misplaced, and to an extent is very necessary for this sport. And this experience - bringing the new training parameters and coaching, should only serve to make room for bigger, stronger lifts and more experience to make wiser choices and learn more about my body.

I learned what I'm made of when I turned that around and pulled it together for deadlift. I needed that. I got an email from Myles today after he watched the videos that helped me to see that...

Objectively and contextually, your last DL was extraordinary. I'm
not going to play down bombing out. It sucks and should piss
you off however much it pisses you off. However, to deadlift a PR
after bombing out displays such a high level of psychological resolve
that's it's hard to overestimate how meaningful and encouraging this
is. So many other lifters throw in the towel after a bomb or
sometimes just after a miss...you're the mentally
tougher lifter.

And from that, I learned that I love this and I will keep going with this. If I didn't care about it, I wouldn't be so upset about it. I do know that I gave it 100% of my everything, I started and I did not stop until they took the bar from me every time. And to the eye - it may not look like much, but I never gave up on it...and that's where I'm going to have to end on that...because that's really all I've got to show for it, right? That's what this is about - you do a thing, and you give it everything...

"You start and you don't stop. All your strength, all your power, all your love, everything you got!"

I learned that I can be proud of myself for this precisely because I can walk away with so many positives. I had some HUGE wins...the PR on squat alone was a major win, and pulling it together for the deadlift and hitting a PR there AFTER all that...huge. This is good, this is right...I'm walking away from this one with pride now :)

For a while I have been planning to take some time off. I put my gym membership on hold for the month of July and was planning on Crossfit, no PL stuff for that time. But this morning I was processing all of this stuff and I walked away thinking and feeling .. I don't WANT to stop now, i want to want to PAUSE now...I want to get better now, I want it more than ever.

So some rest this week, easy movement...next week is a long week of business travel so probably a little more rest than I'd like but..then I'm going to be ready to hit it hard. I'm emailing Dave next.

I'm ready for my next lesson :)

PL Meet Day 1 - The Warm-Up

2010-06-19T21:35:00.000-04:00

What a crazy day today. I'm currently at my hotel winding down, mentally preparing for the day ahead of me tomorrow. But since I have this fabulous webtv interface thingie, I thought I'd use it to go through the day.

Got to the airport right on time this morning, I love PBI airport, it's so....quaint ;) No line for security, but of course my weight belt caused attention and my bag was pulled for search. The TSA guy was super cool though, I told him what it was and he just sort of lifted stuff out of the way to verify and put everything back nicely - not like the last time I had bras and underwear and everything all over the place for the world to see!

The flight over was super smooth and uneventful, and we landed 10 minutes early. In Tampa, I weighed literally LONGER to get my one checked bag (food bag w/gel pack and some other liquids) than it took to fly there! That was frustrating. The hotel shuttle picked me up, my room was ready - all of that was fabulous.

My room is actually a small apartment, it totally rocks - this place was a *steal* I took a brief nap, called and arranged for the shuttle to bring me to the venue...and voila! I was there!

Weight this morning when I left home was 138.6...three days in a row it held steady, I am quite sure that is a record. And that is also a different post, but I am pleased to say I weighed in at 1:30pm at 139.0 on the nose :)

My purpose in staying the afternoon was to watch Mr. Eric Talmant lift (promoter/meet director for the Raw Unity Meet) - rumoured to be going after the all-time raw world record in the 165's at 672lbs. Myles has been assisting Eric with his form plus he's just a super nice guy. I ran into Eric shortly after weighing in and we chatted briefly, I wished him well, and took my seat.

Interestingly, the second flight of this afternoon session had LITTLE KIDS lifting. All were 14 and under and some were just TINY! I commented about one litle girls lift outloud to the woman next to me, and we ended up chatting through the rest of the meet. Turns out, she's there to support Eric! Hah...anyway, her name was Jessica and she is NOT a PL'er but now she is strongly considering it. We had a lovely time, I explained a lot of things to her, she asked lots of questions...seemed genuinely interested in trying. Very cool.

Eric's 3rd attempt squat was nothing short of*amazing* at 500 pounds. He fought for that with everything he had and he earned it, it was awesome! I hope it will be up on youtube at some point soon, it truly was that incredible!

For deads, erik opened with 575 - easy! His second attempt he made the jump to 655, which I belieeve is a 5lb pr over his current record. It looked more like a 3rd attempt weight wise, but he nailed it! He decided against trying to take the record on his 3rd and went with 660 (miss). I congratulated him, exchanged contact info with Jessica (his friend), and had the shuttle pick me up :)

I had a lovely dinner of a big cheeseburger and some fries (and a side salad), and here we are...unwinding.

Tomorrow is my time, everything I got out on that platform..it's my time :)

Remembering the Path

2010-06-18T20:14:00.001-04:00

So I think the word of the week is "appreciation." Remembering all the good over the bad, remembering where you've come from, how you've grown and changed...appreciating the journey of life you've been on....

As I mentioned yesterday, i got the reminder to first appreciate my body for all it does and all it can do, and second, to remember and appreciate where I was and all of the amazingness of the journey that I've been on. I spent some time thinking through some of the most profound...

So this post is my appreciation post, for all of those things, and maybe more, who knows. This is a good place for me to be tonight...recalling all of this.

September 2000 - I remember signing up for eDiets.com when all those first "a-ha" moments had had their way with me. I remember thinking I couldn't do it...

~September 2001 - I remember when i first thought, "well ok, maybe I can"

~January 2003 - I remember joining the gym, feeling super intimidated, wearing huge sweats and t-shirts, worrying about who was watching me sweat and look funny and uncoordinated...but going anyway, and feeling good about it after it was over.

I remember when I bought my first new clothes in a REGULAR store, and NOT in the "womens" section. Size 18, with no "W" :) Hah..pants for work, that didn't have a giant droopy crotch ;)

My first mile! I remember being on the treadmill in the gym, exactly where that was and the view I had but damn it, I can't remember the time. I want to say it was 14 and some change (that's minutes, yup! ;) But I RAN IT, all the way, no stopping. I had NEVER done that before. I ran!

Early Spring 2006 - I remember being so inspired by how absolutely amazing and good I felt, and all the new good that my body could do and feel and experience, and SO inspired by RC who helped me get there, that I decided to get certified as a personal trainer. I remember when I passed the test, and my first clients. I.Loved.It.

While I was scanning gmail to see if I could find that first mile run time, I stumbled on my first 10k time - 63:44 in June of 2006, and then my first half marathon in October of 2006! Goal was 2:15:30 (no idea why I threw that extra 30 seconds on there LOL), I did it: 2:13:39.4

July 2006 - I remember making one of the hardest decisions of my life - the decision to be happy and healthy all around in every facet of my life, and leave my marriage, go after a new job, move to a new city - to take action and actively SEEK the life I wanted to have...

June 2007..TODAY as a matter of fact, this day in June 2007, wow so funny how all of these things come together at just one time, this week for me..this remembrance post, and this anniversary...June 2007 I started working for eDiets. I so wanted to be a part of this company that was so very instrumental in helping me to achieve all of these amazing things. That helped me and my body to FEEL the way that I did, I wanted to give that back in any and every way that I could...

I remember ~September 2008 filming exercise videos..*I* was the model in nearly all of them. ME? Filming exercise videos designed to teach/show other people how to do them. I remember very clearly when it hit me what I was doing.."who *am* i? who am *I* to be doing this when just a few years ago I didn't know what 90% of those exercise were, when I could barely get off the floor for that matter?"

In April of 2009 I lifted 253lbs in the deadlift, that was my starting weight with eDiets...what an amazing high to have "conquered" that weight!

And this time last year, when we filmed the eDiets Best Body Boot Camp DVD. Helloooo...same thing, "who am I? In a workout DVD?!" That is INSANITY. And full of awesome :)

I intend to each day find something that I appreciate about what my body is doing or has done. I won't lose sight again...I don't HAVE to be more more more, I can be happy Cathy, I've made the life I wanted...more should come from a place of joyful choice, because I seek the challenge, not because I'm compelled to keep pushing. That path will never lead to a good place.

As @fat2figure reminded me, "It's a choice, and you decided a long time ago to not ever go back. Now it's time to let go and live the life you've created for yourself."

So funny how all this comes around, comes together at the same time. So brilliant and beautiful :)

This weekend, I choose to lift more weight and put all the training to the test :) I take on the challenge because I want to, not because I have to...this is one I'm sure of, and this weekend I'm planning on lots of moments to remember. I went from not even knowing how to squat less than 2 years ago, to this meet on Sunday I'll be all over that bar at 190lbs! I'm taking 325 on in the deadlift and OWNING it. I can't wait...the high is unforgettable.

I may have internet access from the business room at the hotel, but I'm not bringing my computer, so it's possible I won't be back online until Monday. I know there are so many out there standing by me, walking with me if you will, through this meet. I owe so much to all of my friends and family who have stood by cheering through ALL of this (and it's been a LONG TIME)...and they continue to do so now.

Each time I lift, it starts with a huge deep breath...That's me taking in all of the love and support from all of you. Thank you :)

And just in case - one more time...

Here's where you can find the live stream of the meet!

I'm lifting in the Afternoon Session that starts at 3pm Sunday 6/20 (the Ustream website says noon, but that is pacific time). While this session starts at 3, I've confirmed that we (women) are in the SECOND group to lift in that session, so I don't expect to make my first lift until about 3:30 or 3:40pm.

First up - Squats! Bring it!

A-Ha! Again :)

2010-06-16T20:29:00.003-04:00

We got up at 4:30 in the morning to go for a hike. I don't know about you, but I can't see a damn thing at 4:30 in the morning. But we started hiking, and by the time daylight began to break we were at the top of the hill, and then I realized, it was the Hollywood Hill! I couldn't believe how high we were. And so we hiked back down and when I got to the bottom I looked up and couldn't believe the hike I had just made. If I had seen what we were doing before we started, my mind would not have allowed me do it. And then he said, "I just wanted you to know you can do anything."

That was a very loosely transcribed story from a woman I spoke to tonight. What a powerful story, it made me think about how many times are we limited by our thoughts. How many times a day, a week, a year, a lifetime, are we held back by our own thoughts?

There was another story she had, it was similar. She was asked to do something she'd never done before, and in her mind she just thought over and over, "I've never done this before" and she doubted...but he encouraged, "you're ready to do this" and so she set out, and she did it. When she was done she was crying! He asked her why...she replied it was because she'd never done it before, and she DID it! He said, "Your body is ready for all these things, it's your mind that is holding you back."

I spoke to her more about her confidence and the changes she's seen...she's new to her body, all of the changes and the things she can do are new, still learning, still exploring...she *appreciates* and she feels absolutely empowered by that feeling.

I *had* that, that joy, that feeling that I could DO anything, and somehow something turned ugly in there. "I can't take a rest day," "I can't eat that," I"I have to do this because otherwise i will gain," or, "I can't do that because I will gain." I've reread a few other things I've written recently, I've said things like.."I don't trust my body" and "I feel betrayed by my body."

Seriously?

There's no joy in the daily "I can'ts" and "I have to's" There's a place for those things, but it doesn't have to be 24/7 & 365 - there's no joy, there's no power, there's no trust. This is supposed to be a colorful, joyful life! Not a drab black and white.

Look at all the things THIS body can do! Look at all the things this body used to NOT be able to do. And not just my body - but my mind! I was empowered, I changed my life, literally, in almost every way conceivable. And now I risk it, I truly risk it, when I don't appreciate that, when I focus on negative, when I choose to doubt all I can do, when I choose not to trust me or my body, and when I let my mind cast doubt.

Today was the day for me to have this realization. Not even a realization, this was a reminder, a wake-up call, and I heard it as recently as yesterday. Christie asked me in my session - "Do you ever *appreciate* all your body does for you?" I couldn't really answer her positively, at least not recently - but on further thinking on our discussion I realized - I *used to* Back when this change and this body was new. I needed a reminder.

But today was the day for it to come together...it actually started long before that conversation. I was at the gym early this morning for my last workout before my meet. I did some time on the elliptical, and then I went into the aerobics room (it's quiet, and dark, and empty) to stretch. I was doing a standing quad stretch when all of a sudden I was able to notice the foot I was balancing on. I noticed all of the tiniest of adjustments my foot was making each second to keep me balanced. I was not thinking about it, I was not (to my knowledge) controlling it - my body was just making it happen. It was a really striking moment for me. Ahhh...LOOK at what my body can do, and I'm not even consciously asking it to do it for me. Cool :) Go foot! Go tiny fine-tuning muscles!

And then this evening, I had this conversation with this person..an amazing person.

The more I thought on this, the more I realized...I *can* trust my body, IT can't trust me! It doesn't know what to do when I work it so hard and I feed it badly. I'm not betrayed by my body...I am betraying IT! With my mind and these thoughts...I'm the one allowing them. This is my mind at work,this is a matter of changing that mind.

I need to recenter, and go back to that center place and remember why I'm here, and where I came from, and everything else I chose to change in the name of my HAPPINESS and my HEALTH, not to mention, remember to love me and trust me, for all my body does for me and for all I need to do to continue to live and love and find that joy again.

I know this is a lesson I will likely have to learn again, I'll probably have this very moment a few more times as a matter of fact. But right now, right this moment, I declare that I am re-empowered - taking it back. I am DONE with the negative and working toward the positive. They might creep in, but the plan is to acknowledge them ("oh! how interesting.."), visualize setting them to the side ("thanks for your input, I'll have to get back to you on that one"), and move on (hahah yeah ok, when pigs fly"). That's the plan.

To cap it off, at the end of this conversation tonight, I went to the support boards and there I found Raphael's Daily Motivator...also an amazing story, but the end summed it up...

"Size up and break through the confining ropes in your mind. When you're faced with change, change your perspective. When you're overwhelmed with something new; change your view. Eradicate limitations and nothing will be impossible for you!”

Streaming Info!

2010-06-14T21:41:00.004-04:00

Found it! You'd think it was top secret...

The Raw United Mike Whitmer Memorial Open will be streamed LIVE, right here!

There are 2 sessions each day - morning(9am)/afternoon(3pm) on both Saturday and Sunday. I am lifting in Session 4, which is 3pm on Sunday 6/20. The Ustream site says 6am/12pm for times, but that is pacific time...9am and 3pm if you're east coast :). We (women) will be in the second group to lift in that session, so i don't expect my first lift to be until around 3:30 or so.

The Raw Unity Meet that I lifted in in January was broadcast live, and I can't tell you how awesome it was to know that I had friends tuning in to cheer me on that otherwise would not be able to be a part of that day with me. I definitely drew on that...so I'd be super excited if you could tune in :)

Nearly 6 months of training...less than 1 week away!

Then eventually, it will be on Fox Sports, as this blurby talks about (and reveals that, unbeknownst to me, I'm apparently a "ranked lifter" hah! Cool :)

Feeling...Together

2010-06-14T08:23:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was pretty bad, the last time I felt that sort of panicked and out of control was the pizza day, when I made the call for help. Not every day is that bad, I guess I just need that outlet when it gets that way.

Thanks to all who were there - via email, via phone, via comments and twitter. I really do have the best friends all around.

This is my Power - when I don't have it, I have you. I'm up again today, but I gave nothing to that voice, I had a job to do this morning and it was to go hit my opening attempts, no doubts, nothing but strength and confidence.

Squat Opener: 165

When I first reviewed this, I was concerned on depth - I think it's solid now that I can see it on something other than the tiny lcd on the camera. Still, depending how I feel that day I may change it up to 160. The opening weight is not what matters, the opening squat is simply to set the tone of confidence and capability, it must be nailed. So the difference between 160 and 165 is really irrellevant.

Bench Opener: 110 paused

Solid :)

I did 2 sets of super light seated rows, and 20 minutes of super easy elliptical. I may go for a walk at dusk tonight when it's a little cooler.

I am strong this week.